Human diet “deadly” for all: Park nurse


Stay far away from Human food if you want to be healthy, says Park Hospital’s head nurse

Whether or not, as has been alleged, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Humans, health care specialists are issuing a stern warning to Animals who might be tempted to try the food of The Park’s two-legged visitors.

Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage. — Hermione Hippo, Head Nurse, Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm

“The Human diet can kill you,” says Hermione Hippo.

The veteran health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm spoke bluntly and honestly in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

“Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage and eating it will likely result in a number of health issues, not all of which are treatable,” she said.

The well-respected nurse went on to describe the processes that result in what she calls “barely recognizable forms of food” and “ingredients that are so filthy and ugly that I hesitate to mention them on-air.”

Hippo said problems arising from the consumption of Human food have been documented not just by health care workers, but by The Park’s top groomers and aestheticians, as well.

“We are even looking at the possibility that certain conditions, such as Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease, are caused by Human food [consumption]. Our fellow citizens should take care not to graze in areas that may have been used as picnic lands by visitors,” she said.

Hippo offered this advice to those who believe they inadvertently may have ingested Human food: go directly to your physician or to the hospital, she said.

“We have ways to treat this type of poisoning in the early stages, so don’t wait. If you believe you may have eaten Human food, seek help immediately.”


Controversial new “game” lets Animals experience capture, domestication

New Park game

Groups blast game that lets players experience capture, domestication

A new game that bills itself as “the extreme Animal experience” is being criticized by many, including some of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

The game, which is called Kokemus!, was created by KartalTechSolutions, S.A. in association with Geoffrrey’s Cat Entertainment. This is the first time that Geoffrey’s Cat Entertainment, best known for their award-winning film, Black Cats Can’t Jump, has ventured outside the world of film.

In a statement released today, leaders of the majority of The Park’s immigrant and refugee aid groups came down hard on the game, saying it “traumatized the young, caused and promoted fear, and made light of the real experiences suffered by Park Animals.”

Angus Deerhound, media relations representative for Runaway Rovers, a group that assists formerly domestic Canines, called the game “despicable” and suggested that it be outlawed as soon as possible.

“If the creators of this game knew anything about the situations they depict as fictional, they would never have produced such a thing. It is an insult to any Animal who has survived enforced domestication,” he said.

Inez Gallina, President of Home to Roost, echoed Deerhound’s sentiments this morning in an interview on CLucK Radio.

“They [the creators] must be heartless to suggest that it’s fun to put Animals through the kind of trauma that we see every day,” she said.

But Talia Katsikas, Founder and Director of the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company, praised the game.

“Anything that raises awareness of the plight of those who have experienced enforced domestication or suffered the pain and loneliness of immigration, is a positive thing, in my view. The more they play that game, the greater will be their understanding of many of our fellow citizens. We should all welcome any opportunity to spend some time in another Animal’s coat,” she said.


Park Repertory Theatre to raise funds from tours of Aardeekhoorn’s burrow

The Park Repertory Theatre will host tours of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn’s burrow

The burrow of the late playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn will be the subject of a series of guided tours hosted by the Park Repertory Theatre, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

The tours will help the theatre raise much-needed funds, according to Chief Executive, Valencienne Castor.

“We struggle to make ends meet and Imogen was well aware of the situation. I believe that was one of the reasons she left the burrow to the theatre,” Castor says.

Aardeekhoorn, who died this past July, willed her burrow to the theatre on the condition that it remain as it was found after her death. Castor is adamant that “nothing has been touched or moved” since the will was probated by the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg.

Before the probate, there was talk of opening a second stage in the burrow or a studio space for students of the Millicent Hayberry Centre for the Study of Drama and Performance at the University of West Terrier. Those plans have been shelved, at least for now, said Castor, in part due to funding issues.

“We are not able, at this time, to contemplate opening a second space and we do not want to enter into a competition with the Burrow Theatre,” Castor told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our goal is to honour Imogen’s wishes and we know that she wanted the Park Repertory Theatre to survive.”


Tavros calls Kanariar “foolish, traitor”


Yannis Tavros: in trouble again over remarks made after interview with Aintza Kanariar

Toro TalkRadio talk show host Yannis Tavros has found himself in hot water once again over remarks he made about Aintza Kanariar of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Following an interview that he conducted last week with the Public Relations Director, Tavros called her “foolish,” “a traitor,” and “lacking in insight.”

The radio talk show host, who is known for his candid talk and less than flattering view of Park officials and celebrities, has refused to respond to queries regarding the remarks.

A spokesAnimal for the radio station says they are “investigating the matter.”

“Naturally, we take its seriously, but I want to stress that whether or not he made the remarks, he was not at any time speaking on behalf of Toro Talk Radio,” the spokesAnimal said.

While even some of Tavros’s staunchest supporters have called it “tactless” and “counterproductive,” others say that it’s high time Animals stopped acting as if Park employees were beyond criticism.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who was himself criticized quite harshly by Tavros almost two years ago, came to Tavros’s defence earlier this afternoon.

“I say, I think he has a point. Is she acting in our best interest or her own?” he asked.

Kanariar has not responded to the alleged remarks, nor has the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.


Park Finance Officer goes AWOL amid calls for his resignation


Park Finance Officer Milton Struts has not been seen since Wednesday

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts has not made any public appearances since last Wednesday, when he allegedly made a number of specist remarks during a massive budget protest.

“We need new blood, that’s for sure. – Oliver S.P. Franklin, head, Confederation of Ground Squirrels 

As a result, a number of Park citizen groups are calling for his resignation, saying he has “lost his way” and become “too entrenched” in the budget process.

“We need new blood, that’s for sure,” says Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS) and a long-time critic of Struts.

Small Animal Reform Group (SARG) head Mason L. Tortoise agrees.

“If he can’t face us and defend what he calls a budget, then it’s time for him to go and for us to have an Animal who understands Park life,” he says.

Meanwhile, Sylvana Rana, president of the pro-sortition group Save Our Political System (SOPS) calls the budget “a threat to our way of life.”

“I don’t know what Struts was thinking when he put this thing together,” she says. “It’s as if he was panic-stricken and couldn’t make a decision.”

Rana says Struts’s seeming indecisiveness and what she calls the “total inappropriateness” of the budget might serve as fodder for those who advocate moving to an elected system of government. Presently, the lottery system known as sortition is used annually to select the 35 Animals who serve as our government. The Archons, who are the de facto heads of the Park Finance Office, have not as yet made any statement regarding the 2015 budget.

“To say that I’m disappointed in their silence is a gross understatement,” Rana says. “If they can’t defend our political system by supporting their choice of budget head, they are effectively handing us over to the other side.”


Ready, set, go! The Shakeoff starts now!

The Park's semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.

Our semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m. at locations across The Park

The Shakeoff (formerly known as the “Shake for Charity”) is in full swing in The Park today.

The semi-annual charity event “is all about Animals helping Animals” in the lead-up to Winter, says organizing committee head Andras Yak.

“Our goal is to enable those who cannot grow an adequate coat, for whatever reason, to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

Last September, the event yielded one tonne (yes, you read that correctly!) of hair, all of which came in handy during the unusually cold Winter.

“Our senior residents, in particular, were very grateful for the yield,” Yak says. “And we’re hoping to surpass that this year.”

Also making a return appearance are the on-site groomers who are offering free, new hairstyles to participants and, of course, lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Florette’s Fine Edibles, The Nut Bar, Ants in Your Pantry, and Clowder.

So, remember:  “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”

The Shakeoff runs today from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park


Data Tree hacking was likely the result of “Human error,” says Noreen

Official Noreen

April’s Tree hacking was likely “human error,” says Noreen

The hacking in April of one of The Park’s largest data Trees was likely the result of “Human error,” rather than malicious intent, Noreen says.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies was participating in a panel discussion on Toro Talk Radio when she made the comment.

“Humans act as much out of ignorance as they do out of self-interest,” she said.

“And, often, the two go hand-in-hand. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to discover that the Humans who did the hacking had no idea whatsoever that the Tree was being used to store precious data.”

In fact, the Tree had been used for years by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The company’s long-term lease allowed the Squirrel to store his raw data in the Tree. Much of that data was recovered during the investigation into the hacking, but a significant amount was lost.

“I would bet the Humans thought that the Tree was ill or interfering with other vegetation,” she said. “I can’t imagine any other reason that they would deliberately hack the Tree.”

Noreen also cautioned the panel to remember the limitations of Humans’ senses.

“There are many things that Humans are not able to see and often they misinterpret the things they do see. And we shouldn’t forget, either, that the majority of them lean toward taking a negative view of things they do not understand,” she said.


lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, will be published in October.
For more information or to place a pre-publication order, please use this email address:



PIFF 2014 takes the political high road with choice of opening film

Park Interspecial Film FestivalDirector-turned-producer Ulla Kojootti’s engaging collage film, 32 Short Films About Zoocracy, has been selected to open the 10th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) on October 1.

PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot made the announcement at a brief press conference this morning.

“We screened the film about a month ago and thought it would be perfect for the opening,” Ocelot said.

“It is a fine celebration of our struggle to establish and maintain Animal self-rule and it fits nicely with our own celebration of a decade of showcasing the work of Park filmmakers.”

The film is an unusual project for Kojootti, who is better known as a “lone Wolf” in the industry than as a collaborator. Her best known films, such as Coexistence, were written, directed and produced by her with no assistance from any other Animal.

Even so, Kojootti said in an interview recently, she was drawn to the subject “because I had been thinking about our life here in The Park and I wanted to know what others thought about it.”

She invited The Park’s film community to a discussion and, she says, “the idea began there.”

Kojootti invited 32 directors (one for each year of zoocracy in The Park) to make a short film about the subject either from their personal point of view or from that of their species. The result is what those who have seen it call a “brilliant, maddening, engaging, thought-provoking” film.

Ironically, Kojootti produced the work but did not direct any of the films. She has no regrets, though.

“Maybe we’ll do it again in a few years,” she says. “Then I will definitely save one [film] for myself.”


September on our minds

2014_calendar_for_septemberThe Park is a busy place in the Autumn, so The Mammalian Daily is giving you a heads-up on what’s planned for September 2014.

Ready, set, mark your calendars!

Official end of estivation

End of EstivationIt’s time to welcome back our friends and fellow Park residents!

Let the celebrations begin on September 14!


The Beats of Burden Music Festival

Beats of Burden logo

The 2nd annual Beats of Burden Music Festival promises three days and three nights of continuous music-making, with all our great bands and singers performing in aid of The Park’s refugees. Expect some surprises (as well as surprise appearances) along with the great sounds. And don’t forget the fabulous food and all sorts of other fun. September 13-15.


The Park’s Semi-Annual “Shakeoff”

The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" have changed

It’s all about Animals helping Animals at The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff.” The event encourages Animals to donate their hair in aid of those whose coats can’t protect them from the harsh elements. In addition to helping others, you can also partake of free refreshments and get a new hairstyle from our on-site groomers (gratis, of course!). September 27
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”  



Park ART Walk: Saturday, August 16

PAW logoThe organizers request the honour of your presence at the following event:

Park ART Walk
Saturday, August 16, 2014
10:00 am – 7:00 pm

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. Showings will take place at participating art galleriesshopstheatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Kipos Gallery.

The 2014 Park ART Walk will focus on the art of The Park’s refugees.


The Park ART Walk wishes to thank its sponsors:

  The Nutbar       LeTwiggery     Amoltrud’s Aesthetics

       Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations

                                         The Tabby Club
Marine Mammal Bank    Sapsucker Savings and Loan             You’ve Earned Your Stripes™