Park ART Walk: Saturday, August 16

PAW logoThe organizers request the honour of your presence at the following event:

Park ART Walk
Saturday, August 16, 2014
10:00 am – 7:00 pm

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. Showings will take place at participating art galleriesshopstheatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Kipos Gallery.

The 2014 Park ART Walk will focus on the art of The Park’s refugees.


The Park ART Walk wishes to thank its sponsors:

  The Nutbar       LeTwiggery     Amoltrud’s Aesthetics

       Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations

                                         The Tabby Club
Marine Mammal Bank    Sapsucker Savings and Loan             You’ve Earned Your Stripes™                             



Follow Noreen wherever she goes!

Official Noreen

Noreen is on the move!

The longtime Mammalian Daily advice columnist and Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier will take to the road this Autumn to promote her book as well as the causes she’s passionate about.

Don’t miss a moment of her journey!

Follow her on Twitter at and join our email list at for updates on her book. And keep your eyes open for contests, draws, auctions and more.


The more things change, the more Humans stay the same: Noreen


“Humans are unable to incorporate lessons from previous generations.” – Noreen

The more things change, the more Humans stay the same.

While Human tenacity is admirable, in the end we had to conclude that it is a barrier to necessary change. — Noreen

So concludes Noreen in her second academic article due to be published in the November issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

In the article, which is entitled, How Dubious Wisdom Leads to Human Folly, the Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and Mammalian Daily advice columnist shares new insights into “what makes the Human world go around.”

Around is the key word here, my research showed me,” says Noreen.

“After spending the better part of two years studying Human history, I had to conclude that their [Humans'] tendency to end up where they started is the fault of their inability to learn from their predecessors. They cannot seem to incorporate lessons from previous generations,” she says.

“They are a tenacious species and there is much to be admired in that. But they appear to be true catalysts. They change the world, but they remain unchanged. And, as we have seen, that can lead to long-term problems for all species.”

Noreen said she found the research very difficult to do, “because there were so many places along the way that cried out for a change of course, but that change of course was never taken.”
Noreen’s book, Lovely to Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, will be available this Autumn. For updates on publication and distribution, join our email list at:


Doves of Peace to host recruitment event last weekend in August

Doves of Peace

Get your résumés ready! The Doves of Peace are hiring.

Get your résumés ready!

The Doves of Peace will be hosting a two-day recruitment event during the last weekend in August.

In a “beaks-up” communication released today, spokesBird Georgina Golub confirmed the rumour that for the first time in six years the Doves are hiring.

“Recent events in The Park, including the grooming house stampede of May 31, have driven home the need for us to widen our scope in terms of the number and types of events we attend. And, in order to do that, we must increase our numbers,” she said.

The Doves, who are a fully autonomous sub-group of Park Police, traditionally have been sent to attend all Park celebrations and days of significance. After consultations with regular Park Police, the Archons, and the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the Doves decided it was time to expand their list of duties.

“We do not produce peace nor do we restore it,” Golub said in an interview on Chitter Radio.

“But we do encourage it and our presence at events does help to promote a sense of calm. We can’t underestimate the need for that these days and whatever we can do, we wish to do,” she said.

Golub said details of the recruiting event, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will be released next week.


Jargonhead “raps up” tour, signs on to headline Beats of Burden Music Festival


Jargonhead to co-host and headline 2014 Beats of Burden

Legendary Park singer Jargonhead confirmed today that he has “rapped up” his Ducks in a Row tour and is on his way home to The Park to prepare for a co-hosting and headlining gig at the second annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“He is primed and ready,” the rapper’s manager Jukka Ankka told The Mammalian Daily.

Jargonhead, who signed on last year to perform at the inaugural event, is said to be a “huge fan” of the music festival.

“The concept suits him to a T,” says Ankka. “He’s all about helping the disadvantaged and pointing out the hypocrisy in our world.”

The Beasts of Burden, who founded the annual music festival last year to aid The Park’s refugees, released a statement of gratitude this morning.

“We extended the offer [of co-hosting] and were hoping for the best, but we were overwhelmed by his enthusiasm. We are very grateful to Jargonhead,” the statement said.


Beats of Burden logoThe Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place in The Park 13-15 September 2014.


Millicent Hayberry releases statement on death of Imogen Aardeekhoorn


Actress Millicent Hayberry has released the following statement on the death of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn:

IT was my honour and privilege to portray Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of “Mixed Nuts,” the adaptation of her brilliant memoir.

An actress could not have asked for more. Imogen’s brilliant lines, deep insights, and both her sense of humour and her sense of tristesse made my job an absolute delight every afternoon and evening.

Imogen and I first became friends in 2007, on the set of “Mixed Nuts” at the Park Repertory Theatre. As members of one of The Park’s founding families, we found we had much in common and we remained friends throughout the years. She visited me on the set of the film adaptation of her work and she later visited me in hospital when I fell ill during the shooting. It is my deepest regret that I was not at her side when she died. 

As all of us in The Park were, I was shocked and saddened when I heard the news of her death. The Park has lost a great figure, wrapped in a tiny package. Her voice was strong, but her will and her spirit were even stronger. The truths she told in her work will live on and provide solace for many generations, but she will be greatly missed by those who knew her personally. Au revoir, Imogen. Until we meet again.



Humans implicated in Data Tree hacking: investigators

tree hacked

Humans may have been involved in April’s Data Tree hacking

Humans may have been involved in the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

At a press conference held this morning, C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), confirmed that members of her team had witnessed a scene that some now see as foreshadowing the events of April 9.

“Some members of my team, while at work on a different case, witnessed a scene that we now see as suspicious and could well have been related to the hacking,” Ant said.

“On the morning of March 31, a group of Humans arrived in a small open truck and stopped at the Oak Tree. My team reports that two male Humans exited the vehicle while a third, the driver, continued driving until he stopped at the edge of The Park. The two male Humans stood staring at the Tree, examining its trunk and taking measurements of it. This went on for approximately five minutes, after which the two in question went to join the driver in the truck.”

According to Ant, her team members lost sight of the Humans after they joined their driver and they have not seen them since. Ant could not confirm whether the small truck carried weapons of arboreal destruction (WAD).

Ant was joined at the press conference by Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), who said Park Police had taken the ASIS team’s statement and were working some other leads together with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU).


“Snag, land, dive in, sniff out”: Month Without Metaphor’s mid-month results

sheep_006So, how is your favourite publication doing?

The mid-month figures are in for May’s Month Without Metaphor and, if we do say so ourselves, The Mammalian Daily is not doing badly at all. But, we wouldn’t want to blow our own horn brag.

The number of infractions thus far total 1,427, with the Dingo Boomerang leading the pack taking in first place in terms of transgressions, with 88 metaphors published over the past two weeks.

While The Marsupial Messenger published the fewest metaphors overall, in an ironic twist, The Eagle Star was caught using one while reporting on a mistake in The Messenger’s May 12 issue: The Star ran a headline that read “Did The Marsupial Messenger fail its readers? The jury is still out on that one.”

Here are the mid-month results:

Publication          Number of Infractions
The Dingo Boomerang                                88
The Mollusk Messenger                                83
The Salamander Evening Post                                81
The Burro Beacon                                78
The Noodlefish News                                77
The Canary Courier                                76
The Halibut Herald                                74
The Equine Cho                                70
The Eagle Star                                69
The Robin Reporter                                67
The Galliforme Gazette                                66
The Kaluga Register                                65
The Cosmopolitan Pest                                62
The Bluebird Free Press                                60
The Polar Bear Post                                57
The Avian Messenger                                55
PRANCE Magazine                                52
The Blackbird Informer                                51
The Ornis Interpreter                                47
The Mammalian Daily                                44
The Raccoon Reporter                                38
The Simian Spectator                                35
The Marsupial Messenger                                32



Toe-Hair Contest winners have “bright futures,” while losers struggle: study

dog with gold medal and cupA week after The Park hosted its 19th annual Toe-Hair Contest, a new study out of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine confirms what many have observed, but few will admit: winners of the unique competition go on to have, as one researcher put it, “bright futures,” while contest losers experience abnormally difficult struggles in their lives.

There is what we call a ‘spillover effect’ that causes others to view winners in a more positive light. And, so, win begets win… – Dr. Chloris Cougar

“It’s perplexing, but our numbers confirm our long-held suspicions, which were based on observation,” said the study’s head researcher, Dr. Chloris Cougar.

Cougar, who is best known for her groundbreaking study of Feline depression, “Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” says she sees a similarity between the feelings and behaviour displayed by Toe-Hair Contest losers and that of the subjects she studied some years ago, who suffered from Mating Dance Blues.

“I believe that, in both cases, the cause is partly due to the raising of expectations to a ridiculously high level. When this happens, obviously, the fall is far greater than it would be under normal circumstances,” Cougar says.

As for those few who do, in fact, win the contest, Cougar found their ongoing success isn’t necessarily linked to their toe-hairs or to any other physical attribute.

“As with all competitions, a win affects both the winner and those around the winner. The combination of winning, with the attendant boost in confidence, and being seen as a winner, is very potent. There is what we call a ‘spillover effect’ that causes others to view winners in a more positive light. And, so, win begets win, whether or not it is deserved,” Cougar says.


Mammalian Daily signs on to media’s “Month Without Metaphor”

Month Without Metaphor

The Mammalian Daily will participate in The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor.”

It’s a bold idea that is sure to make waves. And, this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that The Mammalian Daily is coming on board.

“That is music to our ears,” said Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of The Park’s “Month Without Metaphor.”

The media-wide initiative, which is set to run for the entire month of May, promises to shake up what many regard as a moribund industry. And as of yesterday, almost ninety percent of The Park’s newspapers and magazines had agreed to participate in Tinamou’s “Grand Resuscitation.” The Mammalian Daily is the largest and latest to do so.

“We’re thrilled about it,” said Tinamou in an interview this afternoon. ”The Mammalian Daily is such an influential paper in The Park and their participation gives us another quiver in our arsenal.”

The idea of the initiative, Tinamou says, is to “tell it like it really is…no embellishments, no idiotic comparisons, no ridiculous painting of pictures for the reading public. Just the facts. We think they’re enough. And not only do we think the facts are enough, we think all this metaphorical reporting is obscuring those facts and distracting our readers’ attention from the important issues. What we need is clarity, particularly during these challenging times, and we very much look forward to seeing how our readers react to being offered a month of just plain facts.”

The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor” will run from May 1-31, 2014.