May 25, 2013

Immigration rules to favour those with short lifespans

TMD Exclusive

A Mammalian Daily investigation has revealed that some of the “modernization” ideas presented to the 2013 Archons include a new immigration policy that would favour Animals who have shorter lifespans.

An investigation conducted by The Mammalian Daily has revealed that proposed changes to The Park’s open immigration policy include a plan to favour shorter-lived species for citizenship.

The ideas for a new immigration policy form part of the “modernization initiative” that the 2013 Archons committed themselves to upon assuming office on January 16, 2013.

According to Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the Archons used the term “modernization” 67 times in their Groundhog Day address.

“The only word that was used more often was ‘economy’ and the phrases ‘economic crisis’ and ‘economic distress’ were, together, used 294 times in a speech that lasted for less than twenty minutes. I think we can assume from this that changes in policy [this year] will be economically-driven,” she said.

Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, agrees.

“There is no doubt in my mind that such a drastic change to the immigration policy would have its foundation in the desire to save money. But I think, if that is the case, that it’s a short-sighted and backward-looking policy and I say that fully aware of the possibility that my community might benefit from such a change,” he said.

If, in fact, the idea for the policy change were economically-driven, it is generally assumed the reason would be the Archons’ desire to cap the amount of money The Park spends on each immigrant Animal in terms of readjustment counselling, health care, establishing a home, job training, etc. But, says Grouse, the short-sightedness of that is “glaringly obvious.”

“The longer an Animal lives in The Park, the longer she or he has to contribute in a myriad of ways to our life here. It is plainly stupid to favour a short-lived population over a balanced mix of species for any reason at all,” he said.

Still, says historian and author Pieter Paard, there are historical precedents for this kind of action, “all of which prove it is a terrible move to make and something that will have a negative effect on a society such as ours for a long time.”

As for the 35 Archons with whom these policy decisions rest, they remain silent on the subject. According to their press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta, the Archons are “looking at all ideas and will make announcements regarding any decisions in the coming months.”

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It’s official: Beasts of Burden to kick off Agrarian Jubilee

Beasts of Burden

The Beasts of Burden will re-enter the world of live musical performance tomorrow when they open The Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

BREAKING NEWS

It’s official: The Beasts of Burden will open The Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee tomorrow.

The confirmation came late this afternoon in a short statement from the band’s manager, Ignatius Herder:

“The Beasts of Burden are pleased to announce that they have accepted the invitation to open The Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee on May 20, 2013. They are humbled by this honour and look forward to this wonderful event,” the statement said.

The six-Animal band, whose hits include “Donkey Hot,” “Pack of Lies,” and “The Day the Oxen Rose,”  have not performed in The Park since their sold-out Summer concert in 2006. Last Autumn, they opened a pub called The Draft and they are rumoured to be recording a collection of songs to be released later this year.

One of the largest and most popular festivals in The Park, the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season. Other musical acts scheduled to perform at the event include The Feral Four, The Endeka Elephant Band, Eggie and The Pigs, Banded Brothers, The DomEstyx, and Spontaneous Generation.

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Critic’s Notebook: Impressed at the Feline fiction fest

murderfishbowlFrom the Vault (Issue #116, 2007)

It had been a long week here in your critic’s den and the thought of attending a festival dedicated to Feline fiction made me want to hiss, growl and, perhaps, even spit. But I had my assignment and my press badge and who was I, anyway, to argue with the powers that miaow? So, off I trotted (see how I mix those Animal elements so that you cannot guess my species? Read more about that in the “hard news” section…) to the Wishing Well for four days (14-17 June) of non-stop purring over and pawing of the latest imaginative tails and wanderings of that standoffish set.

The first day got off to a rather slow start, with much being  made of this being the ONLY Feline fiction fest around and our being SO forward-thinking and interspecially harmonious. Save all that, I say, for the press release. Humans will just lap it up. As far as I’m concerned, we’re here to appreciate (and, later, of course, to judge) the best writing offered this year by those whiskered ones.

Still, with all the stretching and preening that I saw (and much of it in front of the judges), one could have sworn that this was a beauty contest and not a writing festival at all. Someone should tell these Cats that you can’t fool all of us most of the time and that charm (or even stripes, for that matter) is no substitute for a good day’s work.

By the second day, however, the spotlight was squarely on those who both produce and value good writing. The mystery category this year overflowed with quality fiction that was driven, for the most part, by strong characters and great plot lines. So much Feline fiction in the past has been “atmospheric” (smoky salons, catnip-induced dreams), that one can forget how well the species can actually spin a tale or weave complicated pathways around multi-dimensional characters. They don’t call it Cat’s cradle for nothing, I suppose.

Nevertheless and notwithstanding, I, personally (not to mention, professionally), was disappointed in the quality of some of the entries this year, particularly in the Humour category. While I do believe that the winner (Cat’s Up!) could have beaten out any competition in any year, one does have to wonder under what bush that competition has been hiding. I know there are good Feline humorists out there. So…Come out! Come out! Wherever you are!

The other item of note was the introduction of non-fiction titles to the 2007 Fiction Fest – a move that was sure to spark controversy. I was not, in the least, offended by this, though, as I think it added a much-needed perspective to an otherwise one-dimensional event that is always on the verge of turning into a full-out egofest. Who says that Cats rule the world? Well, for 4 days in June, Cats do. So, it was particularly nice to see titles that offered a look at the seamier and seedier side of Feline life, even though it is disconcerting for some of us to read stories in which the victims and vanquished are the Cats, as realistic as that is. The tie-in this year, too, with the charity auction (four tickets to the Feral Four concert in 2008) was a spark of genius on the part of festival organizers.

After four days of fêting Felines, I found myself craving solitude (was I becoming Cat-like?), so I crept back to my den, where I lay down for some much-needed R&R, but not before declaring the 2007 Fiction Fest a tour de Feline force. Kudos to all who were involved. Looking forward to 2008.

That’s all, folks.

This article originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily

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DWBS to endangered species: use or lose your benefits

The Department of Well-Being and Safety is reminding members of endangered species to take advantage of the benefits that are offered to them by The Park's administration

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has embarked on a campaign to remind members of endangered species, such as the Golden Mantella Frog above, that they are eligible for a number of benefits in The Park.

If you or someone you know is a member of an endangered species, 1 The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety has an important message for you: sign up for your benefits within the next six months or risk losing them, forever.

“We’re not meaning to be harsh or hard-hearted about this,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“But it is becoming increasingly important for us to have an accurate figure [for benefits] to present to The Park’s budget committee. Since benefits under the Endangered Species Benefit Programme (ESBP) are one of the the biggest items in our budget, we are asking Animals who qualify but who have not applied, to please do so before the end of the calendar year.”

Kakapo says that when the DWBS established the programme seven years ago, nearly two hundred species of Park Animals were eligible for the benefits.

“That number has grown exponentially. It is almost impossible for us to keep up with the growing number of species [that become eligible for the programme], let alone the number of new eligibles who have come to The Park through our refugee, re-homing, and other programmes,” he said.

In a report presented earlier this year at the University of West Terrier’s Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science, Kakapo noted that over the last year, the DWBS had hired an additional five full-time and seven part-time workers just to deal with endangered species issues.

“I suppose you might say that means that our programmes are working,” Kakapo joked at the time.

Neither he nor the rest of the DWBS is joking now, though.

“It’s a matter of great importance to all of us in The Park, so make sure you sign up for what’s coming to you before it’s too late,” he says.

Benefits under the Endangered Species Benefit Programme include the following:

• Entry into the The Park’s Endangered Species Registry (ESR)

• Official Endangered Species Photo Identity Card

• Health and Dental Insurance (medicaments included)

• Longevity check-up (once per year)

• Legacy photographs of your family taken by official Park photographer

• Family tree plotting (1 copy per resident)

• Estate planning service

• Taxidermy/Cryopreservation/Burial consultations and services

• Free admission to all Park museums and attractions

Notes:

  1. The term “endangered species” is defined as any species that has been designated as “officially endangered” by both The Park’s administration and the Department of Well-Being and Safety.
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Canine Music Association announces award

In recognition of the pioneering efforts of Thisbe and the Barkettes in the field of Canine music and Canine music awareness, The Canine Music Association has announced the establishment of the Thisbe and the Barkettes Honorary Award for Excellence in Music and Musical Citizenship.

halcyondaysAt a press conference held at his office, R.F. Aarrf, President of the CMA, said the award will recognize those Canines who have achieved success, not only in their own musical careers, but also in the promotion of Canine music and interspecial understanding and acceptance.

“This is where our future lies [in global recognition] and no one has made a more important contribution in this area than Thisbe and the Barkettes,” said Aarrf.

Citing their 19 AZ world tour in support of universal peace and interspecial harmony, Aarrf noted that the Barkettes had forged friendships with musicians who belonged to a wide variety of species.

“I think they have been an inspiration to many musicians,” he said. “I think a lot of young singers [of any species] look at the Barkettes and think that, maybe, it is possible to achieve their dream, and it is largely because of the Barkettes that this is so.”

The prize, which will be awarded annually at a dinner hosted by the CMA, will include a recording contract as well as a cash payment and gold tag.

The Barkettes, on hiatus after the cancellation this year of their farewell tour, issued a statement saying they were “humbled” by the naming of the award.

This article originally appeared in Issue # 114 of The Mammalian Daily.

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Snout to Snout: Hieronymous and Yannis to meet on air

Hieronymous Hedgehog will sit down with Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros to discuss the controversy over Tavros’s remarks after Groundhog Day.

Calling to mind the hit song by Eggie and The Pigs,Toro Talk Radio announced today that it has signed a deal with Hieronymous Hedgehog that will have him meeting “snout to snout” with talk show host Yannis Tavros.

According to the announcement, the two will discuss “the entire controversy, from beginning to end”  on Wednesday, 08 May, during the airtime that is usually devoted to Tavros’s talk show.

Until now, Hieronymous Hedgehog has remained silent on the subject of the insults hurled at him by Yannis Tavros, which led to the talk show host’s suspension. He has also kept mum about the group that calls itself Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronmyous or LAdeH) but, through his supporters, he indicated that he has no association with the group.

A SpokesAnimal for the radio station said the fact of the meeting and any subsequent discussions the two may have will have no effect on Tavros’s suspension from his job.

“This [meeting] in no way implies that Tavros will be returning to his job and that all is forgiven,” he said. ”What we are trying to do here is clear some time and space for the two to meet each other on neutral ground and to discuss what really happened. If they can come to an understanding, that will be an important first step. But our ultimate goal is reconciliation and peace among Park citizens,” he said.

The “neutral ground” referred to will, in fact, be The Park’s Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. Toro Talk Radio will be selling tickets to the event from April 27 on. Tickets will be on sale at the radio station and the theatre, as well as at Footpad Heaven. All proceeds from the sale of tickets will go to The Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening, the affliction from which former Archon and Hieronymous Hedgehog’s uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, died in 2008.

See also:

Archon’s nephew blasted over Groundhog Day remarks
Radio station suspends Tavros over Hedgehog remarks
Founding Families, Petrounel pull ads from Toro Talk Radio
Tavros “Bullish” on The Park, say his supporters 

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POPS remains in seclusion as snow blankets Park

2013 POPS, The Right Honourable Bastiaan Groundhog, remained in seclusion this weekend as snow blanketed The Park and temperatures failed to rise to seasonal levels.

The 2013 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) remained in seclusion at an undisclosed location this weekend as snow blanketed The Park and temperatures failed to rise to even near-seasonal values.

As Bastiaan Groundhog, The Park’s tenth zoocratically-elected POPS looked to his own safety after receiving threats against his life, Park citizens began to demand answers regarding the Groundhog’s prognostication abilities. Some have even accused the POPS of deliberately misrepresenting himself on his résumé and in the pre-election debates held this past Autumn.

“I had reservations about him from the beginning, but no one would listen,” said W.H. “Skipper” Skunk, who also ran as a candidate for the position. “They said I was raising a stink for no good reason.”

Malka Eekhoorn, a 2013 candidate as well, says she experienced the same reaction when she expressed her opinion.

“Everyone turned away when I said I thought he was too young, too inexperienced. But he was. He was zealous for sure, but it takes more than passion to be a good prognosticator. You have to have what my grandfather used to call a ‘weathered nose for weather’ and you don’t get that until you’ve seen a few seasons,” she said.

Still, the POPS has his supporters, many of whom blame  the cutbacks by The Park Weather Office for this year’s troubles.

“With a decent, straightforward purchase [of weather], Bastiaan would have been correct,” said his longtime friend Dylan “Diesel” Weasel. “But with all this cost-cutting, how’s a Groundhog to know, from one day to the next, what will be thrown at him? He saw what he saw on February 2, but how was he to know that they bought better weather for February than they did for April? You can only predict based on what you see on the day,” he said.

The Park Weather Office has not commented on the Groundhog’s prediction, but it issued a statement this morning saying that warmer weather would arrive in The Park by the end of the month.

See also:

Threats force POPS to flee to “undisclosed location”
Mixed reaction as Bastiaan Groundhog wins POPS election
Focus on: Groundhog Day 

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ISML confirms discovery of ancient “shedding” song

Archaeologists at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life have determined that the words that are carved on a stone tablet that was discovered last Summer are the lyrics of an ancient shedding song.

The Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life has confirmed the discovery of an ancient shedding song. The lyrics of the song were inscribed on a stone tablet that was found near The Park’s Wishing Well during a routine dig last Summer.

At a press conference held this afternoon on the grounds of the Institute, ISML Chief Archaeologist Catriona Cairn-Terrier characterized the find as “significant” and described the tablet as “basically in good shape, with a few breaks here and there at the ends, but nothing that prevented us from reading the letters on it.”

She credited a team of musicologists from the University of West Terrier’s Zedrich School of Music with helping the Institute’s staff determine the nature and meaning of the inscription on the stone.

“We knew from the way the words were arranged that it was some type of poem or poetic structure, but it wasn’t until we worked with the musicologists that we were able to comprehend its true essence,” she said.

According to Cairn-Terrier, shedding songs (as well as molting songs) were a popular genre many thousands of years ago.

“They celebrate the natural order of things…moving from one season to another…and especially the rebirth that occurs in the Spring,” she said.

The language of the inscription found on the tablet is known as “Mammalian XII,” an ancient language that is related to Mammalian VII and, according to archaeologists, one that was in use during the Hairy Mammal Era (HME). And although the entire song has yet to be transcribed, Cairn-Terrier offered up what she believes is the song’s chorus:

Spring is sprung!
The winter’s done!
The sun’s come out to play!
Let’s shed the old,
Don something bold – 
For summer’s on its way! 

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Police reinstate Shepherd, charge six LAdeH “members”

Gareth Shepherd, FCSW President and a 17-year veteran of the Park Police Force, was reinstated today.

Park Police announced today that they have reinstated FCSW President Gareth Shepherd as a member in good standing of the security force. The move comes after an investigation cleared Shepherd of all charges of misconduct made by six Animals who posed as members of a group that calls itself Les Amis de Hieronymous (LAdeH) or The Friends of Hieronmyous.

At a press conference held this morning, Park Police spokesAnimal Serge Malinois said their “intensive” investigation concluded that the charges against Shepherd were made “falsely and with malicious intent” by the six Animals.

The Animals, who are currently in custody, are facing trial on a number of charges, including making false statements about a Guard Dog, inciting violence at a Park gathering, giving false personal information to police, and impersonating members of a Park association. They also have been charged with several counts each of bodily assault, stemming from the violence that they are alleged to have incited and in which they participated at the 2013 Return of the Nut.

The six, whose names have not yet been released, will likely remain in The Park Jail until their trial, which is expected to occur in the Summer. According to Malinois, the group poses a “significant” flight risk since none of the Animals is a Park resident or citizen.

“If they were to flee The Park, they would have no motivation to return for the trial and we would have no legal recourse. We would not be able to haul them back, since we have no jurisdiction over Animals once they have left The Park,” said Malinois.

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“Shake for Charity” has changed its name but not its aim

The Park’s semi-annual “Shake for Charity” has become “The Shakeoff”

The Park’s “Shake for Charity,” which takes place today, has undergone a name change. But the charities that sponsor it want you to know that its purpose remains the same.

“We remain committed to our original goal, which is to enable those who cannot grow an adequate coat, for whatever reason, to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons,” explains organizing committee head Andras Yak. ”We changed the name because we wanted to keep up to date and add a little pizzazz to the event.”

So, the event will be known from now on as “The Shakeoff,” but in every other way, it will be the same …only better, says Yak.

“The Shakeoff has grown substantially and every year more Park businesses participate. We are very appreciative of that, as we are appreciative of those who choose to return. Their services make the event what it is,” he says.

For only the second time in its history, The Shakeoff will benefit from having a team of grooming professionals on hand to assist participants. Those seeking a fresh look or who just want to “tame their mane” will be able to take full advantage of the talents of groomers from Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, The Mane Event, Tallulah’s Toilettage and En Garde Hair and Skin Salon.

Refreshments will be available on site as well, courtesy of The Compost Heap, Florette’s Fine Edibles, and Clowder.

But Animals won’t be coming to The Shakeoff for the perks, Yak says.

“I think our slogan, “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t,“ says it all about Park Animals helping each other,” he says.

The Shakeoff takes place today from 9:00 am until midnight at the Wishing Well. Volunteers from The Park’s various charities will be on hand to collect hair until then.

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