The Department of Well-Being and Safety is putting a positive spin on this year’s long, cold Winter.
The way the DWBS sees it, the longer the weather stays cold, the less likely it is that Park Animals will contract Small Ball Fever.
“It’s all a matter of numbers,” said Cornelius Kakapo, the DWBS Director of Public Relations, in an interview with The Mammalian Daily this morning.
“The later the arrival of Spring, the smaller the number of small balls that will enter The Park. Hence, the lower the number of cases of Small Ball Fever that we will have to treat,” he said.
Every year, the DWBS monitors the influx of small balls. This year, Kakapo says, the number has decreased significantly and the Department believes this is due to the late onset of warm weather.
The balls, which are known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms of the infection include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.
Despite repeated attempts and the use of a variety of methods, he DWBS has been unable to contain the number of balls that enter The Park each year.
“Small balls are the bane of our existence. We can contain them inside The Park, but there is nothing we can do to restrict their number outside our borders,” Kakapo says.