Original Publication Date: 20 August 2014

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) announced today that it is moving ahead with its plan to track Human foot traffic in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed that the 2014 Archons had signed off on the controversial plan after several weeks of intense debate.

“This is a major milestone,” said Kakapo. “We are moving in the direction of ensuring the safety and security of Park Animals.”

The monitoring plan, which is scheduled to commence in mid-September, was originally proposed by an ad hoc group after the publication of what they called “disturbing” statistics surrounding the number of accidental deaths of Park Animals that occurred due to “trampling” and other types of collisions with Humans. The leader of the now-dissolved group was Fatima Formiga, great-great granddaughter of the renowned Park poet Aubrey Ant. Ant, a seventh generation Park citizen, was best known for his poem, “If the Shoe Fits.“ 

In a statement issued this morning, Formiga said she was “extremely pleased” to hear the news. She also wrote that it was “an honour for me and my family to have played a part in the solution to this devastating problem. It shows the power that poetry can have.”

To read Aubrey Ant’s famous poem, click here: If the Shoe Fits.

Original Publication Date: 8 July 2014

Crimes of a “specist nature” are on the increase, according to a report compiled by Park Police.

The report, which was presented yesterday at an ad hoc meeting of the Department of Well-Being and Safety, was compiled by Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU). It includes raw crime statistics as well as an analysis of expressed attitudinal changes. The data cover the period between 2010 and 2013.

In a joint statement today, Cornelius Kakapo, the DWBS Director of Public Relations, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit, and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit called the report “alarming” and “a call to action.”

“We cannot afford to ignore what we are seeing,” Kakapo wrote in the statement, confirming that his department has noticed an uptick in the reports of danger and perceived danger to body and dwelling.

In a radio interview this morning, Inspector Addax concurred.

“For the first time since the establishment of zoocracy, the threat to our safety appears to be coming from within The Park and not from outside. The increasing hostility among our different species is most disturbing ,” he said.

Original Publication Date: 15 August 2012

One of The Park’s most controversial musical groups, The Feral Four, has announced that it will donate the proceeds from its new song to the CatsCare Foundation, in aid of formerly domestic Cats who have found their way to freedom in The Park.

The song, which will be released as a digital download in the late Autumn, is titled, “I Saw Your Collar in the Hall”. No other information has been released, either by the group’s manager or by its record company, Colony Records.

The group, who is set to release a new collection of songs next year, is also working with The Canary Cousins, Eggie and The Pigs, The Beasts of Burden, Les Chiens Débraillés, Scentient Beings, The DomEstyx, The Endeka Elephant Band, NIML, and rapper Will.o.be. on The Park’s first interspecial song.

Original Publication Date: 27 July 2011

The recent call by the governor of the Central Bank of The Park to unify Animal currencies has given rise to what some have called an “unlikely alliance.”

Members of a number of advocacy groups, including APIC (Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies), Lizards for Liberty, The Monotreme Alliance, the Confederation of Ground Squirrels, the Small Animal Reform Group, and IHOP (the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park), have banded together in an effort to block any legislation the Archons plan to enact regarding currency amalgamation.

The newly-formed alliance has chosen Rowena Goose as its spokesBird.  The Goose, who has been fighting currency amalgamation for almost a decade was elected President of APIC in 23 AZ (2003).

“We won’t take this lying down,” said the Goose in an interview on CLucK RADIO early this morning.  “We’re going to fight until [currency amalgamation] is defeated.”

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 4 August 2015

The Park Museum announced today that it will host a major exhibition dealing with the rôle of sport in Park life.

In a post on its web site, the museum said the exhibition, entitled, Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals, will feature more than five hundred works including oil and watercolour paintings, photographs, sculpture, works in metal and glass, and textile impressions, “all celebrating balls and the way they inform Park life.”

Co-curated by The Park Museum’s resident curator, Dorika Pumi, and Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and sports historian, Bailey, the exhibition is scheduled to open in the Spring of 2016.

“This is the first exhibit of its kind anywhere in The Park and I am honoured that we have been invited to assist in its assembly,” said Clark Cascanueces, president of the Park Historical Society, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Cascanueces praised the museum for its “foresight” and called the upcoming exhibition a “major breakthrough.”

“For the most part, we have ignored the importance of sport—and of leisure activities— in the lives of Park Animals, “he said. “We’ve chosen to focus on survival and prosperity, but sport has great historical importance to Animals and, I would venture to say, is a necessary component of a good life.”

More information on the exhibit will be available in the new year.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication  Date: 9 April 2014

One of The Park’s oldest and largest Data Trees has been hacked, according to Park Police.

In a statement issued at ten o’clock this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed that his team is investigating the “extensive damage” to the tree that is estimated to have occurred between midnight and seven o’clock this morning.

The Oak Tree, which is believed to be at least 70 years old, was last visited at eleven o’clock last night by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners.

“We keep a lot of our raw data in that particular tree,” said the Squirrel, whose company has held long-term leases on several Park trees since 2004.

The Squirrel said he was at the tree “no more than five minutes,” which was enough time for him to check on his stored data.

“It was all there when I arrived and it was all there when I left,” he said.

But this morning, the Squirrel was shocked when Police arrived at his office to tell him that it no longer was there.

“None of it,” said Squirrel, who is now facing the daunting task of informing his clients that their information — and their savings — have been compromised.

Although Chief Inspector Addax would not reveal details of either the evidence or the investigation, he did confirm in a telephone interview this morning that he had spoken with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU), an independent division of the SHCU, and that she had agreed to lend some of her unit members to the investigation.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 17 July 2013

Park Animals are fuming over rumours that the 2014 budget includes an increase in funding to promote tourism.

The rumours, which were published this morning in several Park newspapers, have added fuel to Park residents’ anger about the budget and about the Archons’ push to make The Park a popular tourist destination.

“The Park Finance Office should be ashamed of itself for even considering it, and so should the Archons,” Emmanuelle Musaraigne told reporters at a hastily-called press conference this afternoon.

Musaraigne, who is president of the recently-formed anti-tourism group, NoPARKing, managed to assemble her membership within minutes of hearing the rumour. Some even came prepared, carrying signs that simply said, “NO!”

“We will protest and we will protest until this thing is removed from the budget,” Musaraigne declared at the end of the conference.

“And we will boycott this ill-conceived three-prong tourism plan entirely unless the Finance Office and the Tourist Office show some respect for Park citizens,” she said.

The plan, which was introduced last year as a scheme to open up a new revenue stream for The Park, has continued to be controversial and unpopular among Park residents. Last year, some particularly infuriated members of the group, Keep Your Paws out of Our Ponds, set up barriers in the new tourist areas in the hope of discouraging return visitors.

Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) says that while there is no proof that tourists benefit The Park’s economy, there is ample evidence that they are destroying our pristine environment : ”It’s not as if they buy anything from our shops or even from our restaurants,” he says. “They insult us by bringing their own food and drink and leaving the garbage behind for us to clean up.”

But The Park’s immigrant aid groups say they fear an even more devastating possibility: that funds that have previously gone to assisting refugees and new immigrants might be diverted to this new tourism plan.

“We are a Park of immigrants and refugees, some of whom have fled the very creatures we are now being told to welcome and to serve. This is a very dangerous path for us to follow,” says Inez Gallina of Home to Roost.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 20 July 2016

It’s been almost a month since Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) wrapped up and the statistics are now in.

In a short statement that accompanied their release this morning, the Departments of Well-Being and Safety and Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations expressed their “heartfelt gratitude to all who participated in the event, and especially to those who worked tirelessly to make it the most comprehensive and inclusive EDAM so far.”

According to the statistics, attendance at the event was up by twenty-seven per cent, with attendee satisfaction at an all-time high.

But there is one statistic that is alarming: thirty-eight per cent of Animals who answered the exit survey said they thought domestication wasn’t always a bad thing. That number is up significantly from last year’s twenty-two per cent and experts believe it reflects our economic struggles.

“Animals are tired,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic. “I think we underestimate the work that is involved in zoocracy and the toll that looking after ourselves takes.”

Dr. Gibbon says it’s “only natural” that the fantasy of domestication would, from time to time, appeal to Park Animals.

“They have a fairytale view of the domestic world, replete with an abundance of food, cozy beds, and non-stop playtime. That’s the view that Humans have given us but it isn’t the reality,” she says.

Despite domesticity’s occasional appeal, Dr. Gibbon doesn’t believe Park Animals would either seek it out or allow themselves to be domesticated.

“Park Animals are smarter than that. I have faith in Park Animals,” she says.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 05 June 2015

It didn’t take long for The Park’s most notorious radio talk show host to find himself at the centre of another controversy.

During the call-in portion of his weekday talk show on Thursday, Tavros interrupted a caller who was talking about Enforced Domestication Awareness Month to put forth a theory that not all his listeners, nor all Park Animals, liked.

“What is happening here seems so simple to figure out,” Tavros opined. “Park life is just too difficult for a lot of Animals. And I think that’s the reason so many who have escaped domestic situations return to them. I call them ‘temptsters’. Tempted by the freedom that Park life offers, but only temporary residents because they are either unable or unwilling to do the work that zoocracy demands. What we have here is a case of temptsters stirring up the teapot,” he said.

When the caller on the other end hung up, Tavros saw it as a green light to continue:

“And I think we need to rethink our immigration policy and put a cap on the resources we use helping the formerly-domesticated to adjust to Park life. It may not be for all Animals,” he concluded.

No sooner had the words exited his mouth than the radio station’s phones lit up, social media went wild, and Tavros found himself involved in yet another imbroglio.

Within ten minutes of his uttering the remark, Toro Talk Radio had taken Tavros off the air and filled the remaining hour with “The Best of Yannis.”

Soon thereafter, an online petition began circulating, calling for both an apology from Tavros and his resignation. The petition was initiated and signed by a number of The Park’s immigrant aid groups and charities, including Runaway Rovers, Cats Care, Home to Roost, the Tortoise Immigrant Aid and Mentor Programme, and LynxLink.

The radio station, thus far, has made no formal statement regarding the incident.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 24 June 2014

The effects of enforced domestication are often felt several generations down the road, say experts who participated in a panel discussion yesterday at the University of West Terrier’s Medical College.

Entitled “Acquired Misery: The Effects of Enforced Domestication on the Offspring of Survivors,” the event marked the first time that such a group has gathered to share their knowledge of the after-effects of enforced domestication and the toll it takes on Animal families.

Panel members included psychotherapist Dr. Berthilidis Strix, author of Shaken But Not Stirred and co-author of The Silent Cluck, Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, psychoanalyst Dr. Elinore E. Owl, UWT researcher Dr. Chloris Cougar, known for her work in the area of Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), and Dr. Simon Crow, director of Avian Medicine at UWT. The panel also included representatives of The Park’s many aid groups, including Home to Roost, Runaway Rovers, and the Tortoise Immigrant Aid and Mentor Programme.

The panel’s honorary guest participant was novelist Hercule Parrot, winner of a 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Award and part-time mentor at BirdBrains, The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme. A domestication survivor himself, Parrot gave a very moving speech at the concluding ceremonies at last year’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

Yesterday’s full-day discussion centred on the psychological and physical effects of enforced domestication on the offspring of survivors.

“This is an area that has rarely been discussed openly, but we see the effects of it every day,” said Angus Deerhound, a representative of Runaway Rovers, an aid group that assists formerly domestic Canines.

“These Canines make a life for themselves in The Park and then they respond to messages that they should reproduce…[they are told] that they can make better lives for their offspring and, somehow, right a wrong. But they can’t do that without our help. They end up just making another wrong,” Deerhound said.

Statistics presented by the UWT’s Medical College, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic underscored the need for a plan of action to help those born to domestication survivors.

“When more than half of these Animals end up with some kind of anxiety disorder, some of them with debilitating ones, we cannot afford to look the other way. We must recognize the gravity of the situation,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost.