The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Millicent Hayberry eulogizes superfan at Saturday’s memorial service

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Millicent Hayberry

Hayberry eulogized superfan Xanthippe Porcupine at Saturday’s memorial service

Outside the Burrow Theatre yesterday, Millicent Hayberry acknowledged the contributions of Xanthippe Porcupine, her “greatest fan,” and held court afterwards, signing autographs and mixing with the crowd at what some in attendance called a “bizarre combination of memorial service, self-promotion, and lovefest.”

At times unusually restrained and at others downright effusive, Hayberry spoke almost lovingly of an Animal whom she had at first feared.

“I was young, inexperienced, and unused to such focused attention,” she told the crowd of mourners standing under the bright sun. “Xanthippe changed all that for me.”

Hayberry said she’d found that one of the consequences of having a superfan was that she had to fight to maintain a more objective view of herself and her work. But, at the same time, Porcupine’s recommendations provided a balance.

“Xanthippe was never critical, even when she made suggestions, which other actors would have found outrageous and presumptuous. But she had a good ear and was particular about cadence and, in the end, I believe that made my performances better,” she said.

Among the others who spoke at the memorial was Porcupine’s daughter Carys, who thanked Hayberry for agreeing to give the eulogy, while gently teasing her about never feeling as important to her mother as Hayberry was.

“I was, in fact, my mother’s only daughter, but I always felt as if I were her second and Millicent Hayberry was her first,” she joked. “My only regret is that my mother wasn’t able to hear the wonderful things you said about her today.”

Porcupine was laid to rest in a private burial Saturday evening.

OTD in 2016—Flyball Finals take on new significance

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Flyball DogSunday’s Flyball Finals will be exciting, for sure. But those attending the annual sporting event will feel a particular sense of pride this year. And a poignancy, as well.

“There is no doubt that Flyball has come a long way in The Park,” says Adrià Lebrel, president of the Park Flyball Association (PFA).

“It took years for us to accept it, and that goes for all ball sports. But it’s taken even longer for us to take pride in our abilities in that area. We’ve been far more willing to show reverence toward our athletes who wrestle, tunnel, race, or swim. Our ball athletes have had to work much harder for recognition and that’s a shame,” he says.

But, Lebrel says, it’s a testament to our ability to expand our minds that ball sports have finally gained our respect. And he credits Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and Park sports historian, Bailey, with helping to bring about the change in our attitude.

“Bailey worked hard to build respect for the ball. Before he started writing his column, none of us knew anything about ball history or its importance in the life of Canines and other Animals. He taught us about ourselves, and this year, with his work with the Park Museum on the flyball exhibit (Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals), he’s brought that full circle. We owe him a great deal of thanks.”

Still, come Sunday, we’ll also be feeling some sadness, due to the theft of Bailey’s basketball, which he’d lent to the museum for the duration of the exhibition.

“When he stands up to open the games, we’ll be feeling for him. There’s no doubt about that,” says Lebrel.

OTD in 2013—Rumoured increase in tourism funding fuels Animals’ anger

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The 2014 budget is due to be presented at the end of the month

Park Animals are fuming over rumours that the 2014 budget includes an increase in funding to promote tourism.

The rumours, which were published this morning in several Park newspapers, have added fuel to Park residents’ anger about the budget and about the Archons’ push to make The Park a popular tourist destination.

“The Park Finance Office should be ashamed of itself for even considering it, and so should the Archons,” Emmanuelle Musaraigne told reporters at a hastily-called press conference this afternoon.

Musaraigne, who is president of the recently-formed anti-tourism group, NoPARKing, mnaged to assemble her membership within minutes of hearing the rumour. Some even came prepared, carrying signs that simply said, “NO!”

“We will protest and we will protest until this thing is removed from the budget,” Musaraigne declared at the end of the conference.

“And we will boycott this ill-conceived three-prong tourism plan entirely unless the Finance Office and the Tourist Office show some respect for Park citizens,” she said.

The plan, which was introduced last year as a scheme to open up a new revenue stream for The Park, has continued to be controversial and unpopular among Park residents. Last year, some particularly infuriated members of the group, Keep Your Paws out of Our Ponds, set up barriers in the new tourist areas in the hope of discouraging return visitors.

Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) says that while there is no proof that tourists benefit The Park’s economy, there is ample evidence that they are destroying our pristine environment : ”It’s not as if they buy anything from our shops or even from our restaurants,” he says. “They insult us by bringing their own food and drink and leaving the garbage behind for us to clean up.”

But The Park’s immigrant aid groups say they fear an even more devastating possibility: that funds that have previously gone to assisting refugees and new immigrants might be diverted to this new tourism plan.

“We are a Park of immigrants and refugees, some of whom have fled the very creatures we are now being told to welcome and to serve. This is a very dangerous path for us to follow,” says Inez Gallina of Home to Roost.

OTD in 2011—Star’s illness shuts down set of “Mixed Nuts”

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Lodgepole Productions has halted filming on the set of “Mixed Nuts” due to the ongoing health problems of its star, Millicent Hayberry.

In a press release issued this morning, the film’s Executive Producer, Victoria Sciurini, announced that filming had ceased “for the forseeable future” due to the hospitalization of the project’s star.

There has been no official announcement about the actress’s condition since she was bitten on the set by a fan and rushed to The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.  Initial reports stated she was in stable condition and under observation.  Later, rumours began to circulate that she had contracted a deadly disease from the bite.  The actress’s representatives refused to comment on the rumours.

One source close to the actress said she was experiencing a high fever and tremors and that doctors had commenced a course of pharmaceutical therapy that would “take several weeks to complete”.

A spokesanimal for film company said they are committed to completing the project with Millicent Hayberry and that they eagerly await her return to good health.

OTD in 2013—Beasts of Burden unveil new song for upcoming music fest

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Beasts of Burden new song

Last night, in a rare appearance at their own pub, the Beasts of Burden unveiled their newest song, “Llego Con Tres Juguetes” (“I Arrive With Three Toys”). The band has dedicated the song to the victims of enforced domestication.

Last night, in a rare appearance at their own pub, The Beasts of Burden unveiled their newest song.

As he ascended the makeshift stage at The Draft, lead singer Alfredo Ox motioned to the crowd and asked for silence. Then he took the microphone and made a short speech in which he said he’d dedicated his new song to the survivors of enforced domestication.

“I was moved by the many stories I read about Animals who escaped enforced domestication,” he said. “They’re a different kind of refugee, one that maybe doesn’t get as much attention as others. But since we established our new music festival, the Beats of Burden, to aid all Park refugees, I thought it was appropriate that I write a song about their struggles.”

Then, joined by the other band members, Ox sang “Llego Con Tres Juguetes” (“I Arrive With Three Toys”):

Llego con tres juguetes (I arrive with three toys)
Un muñeco de peluche (A stuffed toy)
Una pelota  (A ball)
Un hueso falso (A fake bone)

The song is the story of a Canine refugee who arrives in The Park with no food, family, or friends. His only possessions are the three toys his captors gave him: a stuffed toy, a ball, and a bone.

When the band was done, the cheering crowd clamoured for an encore. But Ox said they couldn’t oblige.

“We’re saving the rest for the fest,” he said, leaving the band’s manager, Ignatius Herder, to reassure the crowd.

“They’ll be back…just not tonight,” said Herder.

Herder also confirmed that all proceeds from the song’s sales will go to charities that assist The Park’s refugees.

OTD in 2014—”Mongoose Summers” threaten Park life: coalition

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Another mongoose summer

“Mongoose Summers” are a threat to our way of life, Animals say

A series of “Mongoose Summers“ is threatening our way of life in The Park, say the members of a coalition that has formed to fight for better weather.

The coalition, which is made up of the members of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), and the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), says that Park weather finally reached a crisis point this Summer.

“There’s no turning back. We have to do something right now or our population will not be able to feed or house itself within a decade,” declared A.P. Civet, of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

In an interview with Mammalian Daily Radio,  Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), confirmed that she has scheduled a meeting with Chief Archon Buckminster Moose on July 22.

“Our coalition will be putting together a statement…an ultimatum of sorts,” she said. “We are going to petition the Chief Archon to have the Archons take over the weather budget from the Park Finance Office. In our considered opinion, the PFO is not fit to make decisions regarding the purchase of weather,” she said.

The Park’s weather has been a contentious issue for some years now, ever since the Park Finance Office, in an effort to conserve funds, made the decision to purchase weather from outside The Park.

“From day one, that weather was of inferior quality,” Sun Bear said in the interview.

“And the result has been that what we didn’t spend on weather we paid dearly for in reduced crops and damage to our abodes. And that has to end right now.”

OTD in 2011—Expense Projections show high cost of Park security

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Park Expense Projections 2012The release of The Park’s Expense Projections for the coming year has put into sharp focus the high cost of securing the safety of Animals in The Park.

The budgetary figures, which were released this morning by The Park’s Finance Office, offer a window into the challenges faced by administrators when it comes to guarding the lives and property of Park residents.

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand,” said Park Finance Officer, Milton Struts, when questioned about the high cost of security at a press conference following the release of the figures.

“We live in a turbulent world…in which the mood can change in a flash. That is the new reality, and we have to be prepared for the consequences of that reality,” he said.

The “new reality” that The Park faces is expensive, and accounts for a projected increase of 25 per cent over this year for services such as The Park Police, the Ant Security and Intelligence Agency, and The Park’s Guard Dogs.  While some increase in security may be warranted, many of those poring over the figures at the press conference worried openly about the effect the increase will have on the quality of life in The Park.

“Our resources are limited and if so much goes to the Guard Dogs, what will be left for the enjoyment of life?” asked one Park resident at the conference.

OTD in 2012—”Weightless Whiskers” boost Park’s Q2 retail sales

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“Weightless Whiskers,” the newest product developed by Park-based accessory manufacturer I.E. Baffolungo, S.A., has boosted sales in The Park’s retail sector over the last quarter.

According to figures reported by the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the product is responsible for a 100% increase in sales during the second quarter of the year.

“We’ve seen a phenomenal rise [in retail sales] over the first quarter,” says Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current PASS president. “It’s obvious a great deal of it is related to this new product.”

Baffolungo’s Chief Marketing Officer, Darina Yak, attributes some of the product’s success to the company’s marketing strategy and, specifically, to the timing of its release.

“The release in late Spring worked perfectly,” said Yak.

Footpad Heaven, The Park’s oldest shop, was the first retailer to stock Weightless Whiskers, giving them a prominent place in the shop’s windows and on its shelves.  Manager Adamma Bandicoot, who traces her ancestry back to the shop’s founder, expressed high praise for the product.

“Nothing could be more welcome in the heat than a set of whiskers that doesn’t weigh you down and that’s something that hasn’t been available until now,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Is “long haul” government the way of the future? New political group says yes

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Park ArchonsAre longer terms for The Park’s thirty-five Archons the solution to our current governmental stagnation?

A newly-formed political group thinks so.

The organization, which calls itself, “Park Citizens for Long Haul Government (PCLHG) released its first statement of principles and objectives today. And one of its most notable objectives is to change the length of Archons’ terms.

“We advocate lengthening the term of Archonship from one year to three to five years,” the statement says.

According to the group’s president, Stéphanie Musaraigne, the bold move would enable Archons to make a “full commitment” to governing over the long haul, instead of concentrating on short term goals and things that can be achieved within the one year mandate.

While the PCLHG’s statement stopped short of criticizing sortition, the current method of selecting Archons, it did imply that while the lottery method ensures a degree of fairness, it brings with it a certain amount of instability.

“There are many problems with sortition, which a Park of varied species and lifespans must address,” the statement said.

The PCLHG plans to hold a press conference later this week to further outline its objectives.

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