The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2017—Bedfellows’ singer pleads at Mating Dance: “Help me save my family!”

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bedbug-1 Hugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, has asked for our help to save the members of his family who reside outside The Park.

In an impassioned plea at yesterday’s Mating Dance, the singer explained that a large contingent of his family has lived outside The Park for decades, but that a recent “war” on his species had made that choice untenable.

“They are under constant siege, having to move from house to house, often in the middle of the night,” he said, moments after the group concluded their set.

Percevejo, who was, himself, attacked last December while on a short trip to visit friends outside The Park, said his species has become subject to violence and chemical attacks on a regular basis.

“My species is fighting a battle against Humans and I fear it’s one we cannot win,” he said. “We have no choice but to leave our homes. But we need your help to do that.”

The singer’s plea was met with cheers of support and promises of aid, but as of this morning, there had been no official word from either from the Archons or from the Department of Well-Being and Safety. Many of The Park’s aid groups have stepped up to offer their assistance, however, and some prominent members of The Park’s musical community have done so as well. Most  notably, the Endeka Elephant Band has offered to travel outside The Park to bring back Percevejo’s family members.

“We know the situation they’re in and we will do our best to save them,” said Árvakur Fíl, a member of the Endeka band, whose  bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed by Humans last year while visiting his family in Africa.

OTD in 2013—Funding cuts, ignorance threaten Barkettes’ legacy: CMA

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Canine Music Association

The Canine Music Association is pulling no punches in its most recent criticism of The Park’s underfunding of cultural endeavours.

In the latest issue of its newsletter, which is sent to CMA members and affiliates, the Association voiced its strongest attack yet on The Park’s Finance Office (PFO) and its policies. Calling PFO officials “incompetent and ignorant,” the Association stopped just short of accusing the PFO of corruption.

“We’re howling mad about this,” said CMA president, R.F. Aarrf, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“It seems as though the PFO and related departments, such as Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, only care about Park culture when it can hire it for a day or two as entertainment. Other than that, they provide very little support for educating our young about The Park’s cultural heritage,” he said.

Aarrf went on to discuss the results of a recent survey conducted by the CMA.

“One out of four Animals in The Park under the age of 20 has no idea of The Barkettes’ role in breaking the species barrier,” he said. “One or two more generations of Animals who are not taught about this…that’s all it takes to wipe out their [The Barkettes’] legacy completely and kill what we’ve all worked so hard for.”

Aarrf says he’s sounding the alarm now lest Park Animals become so complacent that they lose everything their ancestors fought for.

“If we lose sight of our hard-won accomplishments, it won’t take very long for us to discover that we have to do it all over again. And, next time, the world may not be so accommodating,” he says.

See also:

History and Legacy of The Barkettes
Canine Music Association announces award

OTD in 2015—Gecko credits “stick–to–itiveness” for victory in 2015 Toe-Hair Contest

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TH contest winner

S. Irving Gecko stands with prize from Friday’s Toe-Hair Contest

Not all of us have what it takes to win first prize in the annual Toe-Hair Contest.

But according to this year’s winner, it takes more than just long toe hairs.

S. Irving Gecko, who took first prize in The Park’s 20th annual Toe-Hair Contest on Friday shared his “winning formula” with a radio audience the night after his victory.

“Winning the prize is 90% stick-to-itiveness and 10% toe hairs,” Gecko said in an interview on Reptile Radio.

Gecko confessed this was not his first attempt to win the contest.

“It’s not easy,” he said. “I can scale a vertical wall and even hang upside down, but to get to the top of the toe hair pile, it takes what I call stick-to-itiveness,” he said.

Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear would agree. The first prize winner in 2012, the Bear had lost five times before the prize was his. “But it was all worth it in the end,” he said later.

Past judges of the annual event confirm that it’s not unusual for a winner to have entered many times before.

“It happens more than you think,” says Oskar Sloth, who was one of the judges of the 2012 contest.

Gecko thinks that may not be such a bad thing.

“I don’t know how other winners feel, but I think maybe it’s a bit sweeter for me because I had to try that much harder,” he said.

The second and third prize winners in Friday’s contest were Bruno T. Orso and Francesca Leone.

OTD in 2012—Polar Bear finally scoops first prize in Toe-Hair Contest

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Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear finally managed to scoop top prize in The Park’s Toe-Hair Contest.

After five previous attempts, The Bear was declared the winner of the 17th annual Contest at 11:56 on May 1, after a unanimous decision was handed down by the judges.

At the awards presentation, Rufus di Rafineschi, the Contest’s head judge, said it had been a difficult competition to adjudicate.

“The quality and range of toe-hairs this year was extraordinary and, happily, it made our job that much more difficult,” he said.

In the end, though, it was the “perfect formation” of the Bear’s toe-hairs, along with their “exceptional length and quality” that won the Bear top prize.

At a press conference after the prizes were awarded, the Bear fielded questions about his tenacity.

“I wasn’t going to let this one go,” he said, finally, after a fourth reporter asked why he had entered the Contest for the sixth time.

The  Bear also praised his fellow competitors, heartily congratulating second and third prize winners, Richard “Rocky” Jerboa and Salamanca Q. Sloth.

OTD in 2015—The Barkettes at the Wishing Well: tickets go on sale today!

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Barkettes at The Wishing Well

NEWS FLASH!
Tickets for the second concert in Thisbe and the Barkettes’ ” Bring Your Own Bone,” tour go on sale this morning at both the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre and the Wishing Well.

In a text sent early this morning, the band’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that tickets will be available for purchase at two locations as of this morning.

“Happy to announce tix for 2nd concert on May12@WishingWell. Tix on sale@AOAT+WW@10:00,” the text read.

Tickets for the first concert, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre on May 8, sold out within two days, according to the event’s promoter, Iglu Entertainment.

The tour includes four concerts in The Park: two at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, one at the Wishing Well and one at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. The Tartan Crab Memorial Pond concert will be free of charge.

Dates for the remaining two concerts have not yet been announced.

OTD in 2015—Park Historical Society calls for new, mandatory census within two years

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CensusposterThe Park Historical Society is calling on the 2015 Archons and the Park Census Office (PCO) to institute a new census by the end of 2017.

In an interview this morning on Toro Talk Radio, PHS president Clark Cascanueces told host Yannis Tavros that The Park is “way overdue” on an official count.

“Our last census was held in 2007, the year we knew as 25 AZ, because calendar harmonization hadn’t even been discussed yet,” he said.

“And that voluntary count was all but useless, in my opinion. There was too much ignorance surrounding the process and Animals over-reacted to the idea of a head count.”

Cascanueces says the idea has support from some former as well as current Archons and from faculty members at the University of West Terrier. He also counts The Park’s healthcare providers as avid supporters of a new census.

“They’ve told me we have to get a grip on what our needs are, not even just in their own area, but in every area. At this point, we’re flying without a net, providing ad hoc assistance and hoping that will suffice. Well, it won’t,” he said.

The PHS president said he has a meeting scheduled with the Archons for mid-May and that he intends to tell them that a new, mandatory census is as urgent as a new budget.

“All mature societies have some idea of who makes up their population, who needs what, where, when, and why. We are well behind in this respect,” he said.

OTD in 2016—Prepare for all-out food fight as farmers and app makers engage in war of words

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Bulb Beacon with borderHistorians may look back on it and jokingly call it the “Tulip War,” but at present it’s a tense situation that could cause irreparable damage to The Park’s food and technology sectors.

It started last month, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained in a print advertisement that The Park’s technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food in favour of letting apps do the searching for them. The SCPCPGF maintains that this negatively affects what it calls the “natural pacing” of food finding and will inevitably lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages.

The Park’s technology sector laid low for a short time, hoping to wait out the controversy. But when the SCPCPGF refused to give up, SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava took to the airwaves to vigorously defend her company’s app, Bulb Beacon, and assert that SINCAP and other technology companies make it their business to support access to food in The Park.

“We all take access to food very seriously. I know from personal experience that it can be very frustrating and terrifying not to be able to find enough food, or to forget where you stored your food over the Winter. I’ve had relatives who almost starved and that was the impetus for me to develop our app,” she told Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros in an interview.

But that did not placate SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet, and a few days later, he called for a moratorium on the development of food-related technology.

Now, the anger that has been brewing for weeks threatens to spill over. As both sides begin to issue threats and accusations, experts say the issue could come to blows in May, as planting begins and the Park Finance Office turns its attention to the 2017 budget.

“What’s at stake here is not just peace in The Park, but the food supply itself,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“We all should be very scared.”

OTD in 2017—Not just for the Birds: April’s Stereotype Sunday theme will be Avians

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flock-birdsThe theme of this month’s Stereotype Sunday will be Birds.

The announcement was made this morning in a joint press statement issued by the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“On April 30, we’ll have the opportunity to flock together at our monthly themed Stereotype Sunday. We look forward to seeing you there to gain new understanding and express our appreciation of The Park’s Avian population,” the statement said.

The statement also confirmed rumours that The Feral Four had accepted an invitation to speak at the event. The Feline band, who made a moving speech at the first annual Fowl Ball, has worked tirelessly over the past few years to rehabilitate the reputation of Felines vis à vis Avians, including donating a set of their song lyrics to the Feline charity, CatsCare.

Performances by The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, The Tweeters,  SCENTient Beings and Belles and Whistles were also confirmed in the announcement. Rapper Jargonhead, however, confirmed his own performance via social media.

OTD in 2015—Police launch early morning raid on Sneak-a-Snuggle outside Park

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BREAKING NEWS

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) took to the podium to confirm reports of an early morning raid on a Sneak-a-Snuggle that recently opened outside The Park.

Flanked by Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Inspector Addax revealed details of the raid, in which more than one hundred Animals were liberated.

“Under cover of darkness, members of the ASIS Select Undercover Brigade (SUB) were deployed in a covert action that involved infiltrating the Sneak-a-Snuggle and liberating the Animals held therein,” he said.

The crack team of more than a thousand received assistance from other members of the police force in the execution of the raid, Inspector Addax told reporters.

“All went as planned. The operation went smoothly and we do not anticipate having to return to that location,” he said.

The Animals who were liberated come from “a variety of different species” and, Addax told reporters, they will be spending a few days at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm before they are released and able to function on their own.

“They will receive counselling from a number of The Park’s refugee and immigrant aid groups and they are welcome to establish a life here, should they so desire,” he said.

The Inspector also confirmed that Park Police have no intention of laying charges against the Human owners of the Sneak-a-Snuggle.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” he said.

OTD in 2015—KwikLiks: The Park’s first “flash groomer” opens its doors

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KwikLiks

Park’s first flash groomer: KwikLiks

The Park’s newest grooming house has opened in a flash and that’s not just a metaphor.

As its name suggests, KwikLiks offers quick grooming or, as its proprietress Maitea Behi says, “Flash grooming for the fast set.”

At the grand opening yesterday, Behi beamed as she offered treats to the steady stream of new customers.

“In our business, we like to say, ‘A treat is worth a thousand licks,'” she joked, as she directed Animals of every species toward the house’s bank of groomers.

With five full-time and eight part-time groomers, Behi says she can service over five hundred Animals an hour.

“A few licks should do it for most Animals. Larger Animals, of course, will take a bit more time. And for important occasions, we’re happy to take those extra few seconds to make you look your absolute best.”

While Behi’s establishment is the first of its kind in The Park, she says that flash grooming has taken off elsewhere.

“We scoped out a few venues outside The Park and even considered opening there,” she said. “But my heart belongs here. My loyalty is to The Park.”

KwikLiks’s opening at this time of year is no coincidence, either. While Behi hopes to cash in on The Park’s upcoming social season, she understands that this year the established houses may win out.

“I’m going to need to gain the trust of Animals in a flash,” she said.

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