The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2012—Doves of Peace stage strike; “heavy-handed” tactics blamed

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The Park’s Doves of Peace announced today that they have initiated a strike in protest against what they call the “heavy-handed” tactics used recently by Park Police.

In a statement that was published in all major print media and read on all radio and television stations, the Doves declared that they had decided to withdraw their services to The Park for an unspecified length of time “in order to bring to light the change in attitude and decorum of Park Police and, by implication, the 2012 Archons.”

In the statement, the Doves complained about being “shut out” of events this year. They also cited the recent presence of Park Police at celebrations such as the annual Harvest Festival and Snowbird Farewell as evidence of a changing attitude of the Archons toward Park residents.

“These are events that we are, usually, sent to…not as peacekeepers, but as the symbol of interspecial harmony and peace,” said Georgina Golub, spokesBird for the Doves. “The decision, this year, to send police in our stead marks a change in attitude that we consider ominous.”

Historically, the Doves, who are a fully autonomous sub-group of Park Police, have been sent to attend all Park celebrations and days of significance. After a disruption during the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF), however, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations took the decision to send Park Police, instead.

“We wanted to restore calm and order to our celebrations,” Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department, said in a telephone interview. “After the Noon Nuttiness surprise [violence], we felt we needed to be careful, at least for a while.”

But SpokesBird Golub called police presence at the Surrender of the Nut “the last straw.”

“On one of our most solemn occasions, the very symbol of peace, harmony, and trust, celebrants looked around and saw police everywhere. But when they looked up at the sky, they saw nothing,” she said.

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SEE ALSO:

Hundreds jailed after Noon Nuttiness protest turns violent

Park celebrations “joyous” despite heavy police presence

 

OTD in 2013—”Hibernation Nation” enjoys its half-day in the sun

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Giuliana Lontra

The sun shone brightly this morning as Malinda L. Hamster, president of The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), surrendered the symbolic nut to 2014 Keeper of the Nut, Giuliana Imelda Lontra. “On this solemn occasion, I entrust this nut to you and entreat you to guard it and to keep it safe until such time as the hibernating community requests its return,” the Hamster said as she offered the nut to Lontra.

Lontra clutched the nut, and spoke the traditional oath of the Keeper of the Nut:

“I swear to keep this nut from harm and to preserve it intact until such time as the hibernating community requests its return. And I do so with respect for all Park citizens.”

With that, the solemn portion of the day was done, and the crowd began to enjoy its half-day holiday.

While attendees partook of the vast array of goodies supplied by The Compost Heap, Provisions by Petrounel, Ants in Your Pantry and Florette’s Fine Edibles, talk turned to memories of past Surrenders and to the evolution of the occasion.

“Historically, the Surrender of the Nut was a solemn occasion. It was a recognition of the trust that Animals place in each other for their very survival and the Keeper of the Nut is a symbol of that. It has always been a very powerful moment for us,” said Beatrice Zilonis, Professor of History at the University of West Terrier.

Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces agreed.

“The Return of the Nut is also very powerful… the idea that it is returned unharmed and intact, no matter what the Winter was like, that no harm has come to it, even if there was a shortage of food, it wasn’t eaten. I find that very moving. The nut is sacred and so few things are anymore. To me, there is also so much symbolism in both occasions being half-day holidays. The two parts come together to make a whole. The symbolism in that is amazing,” he said.

OTD in 2014—Okapi quits Archon Transition Team, citing “philosophical differences”

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Blandine Okapi

Blandine Okapi joined the Archon Transition Team in 2007.

Blandine Okapi has resigned from the Archon Transition Team.

In a statement released this morning, Okapi thanked her Team members for their “generosity” in welcoming her to the Team and said that she had learned an “unfathomable” amount during her tenure.

Nevertheless, she wrote, her political ideas had evolved over the last few years to the point that she felt continuing on the Team constituted a “conflict of interest.”

“I cannot, in all conscience, perform my duties on the Archon Transition Team when, deep in my heart, I no longer feel that sortition is the best method for choosing our Archons,” she wrote.

Since the establishment of zoocracy, sortition or the lottery or allotment method, has been the only method used to select The Park’s 35 Archons.

Calling the last three Park governments “unwieldy and ineffective,” Okapi said she had felt forced to “seriously consider” the other side of things and last month she joined the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP).

“I think zoocracy has matured to the point where it would be appropriate for us to take matters into our own hands and elect our governing officials and I intend to work, along with other members of CASP, to make that a reality,” her statement concluded.

Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin has made no comment thus far on Okapi’s resignation.

OTD in 2013—As hibernation date draws near, pressure mounts on Park Election Office to declare POPS winner

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Official hibernation date, November 17

“No one envies me right now,” says Gerritt Wezel, as he scoots off to work well before dawn today. The head of the Park Election Office is feeling the heat, so to speak, even in the face of temperatures that are below the freezing mark.

This is the fourth day that Wezel has had to face the press outside his den and the fifth day since the election was held. Still, he has no results to relay and he says he has given up on making promises.

“It is what it is and it will be what it will be,” he says, almost shyly, as he makes his way to the scene of counting, sorting, and re-counting the hundreds of thousands of votes that were cast last Thursday.

As the official hibernation date of November 17 draws ever closer, pressure is mounting on the Park Election Office and its head to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election. But Wezel says that cannot be done in a hurry.

“Animals want to be secure in the knowledge that the winner we declare is the actual winner…the Animal who won the most votes,” he said in a radio interview over the weekend.

“And with the Animalpower we have, that is going to take time. But I can assure you that when we do announce the winner, it will be after a meticulous count and re-count and there will be no question as to the accuracy [of the count] and who the winner really is,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Heavy police presence at polling stations disturbing to voters

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Polling stationThe heavy police presence at polling stations around The Park during last week’s POPS election was disturbing to a large number of voters, according to a survey conducted by The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

The results of the survey, which were intended for internal use only, were leaked to The Mammalian Daily last night by a source who wishes to remain anonymous. The source attended a special meeting called to discuss the election results. That meeting included representatives from the DWBS, Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel, and members of an ad hoc committee whose duty it was to oversee the election. Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros was also present at the meeting.

According to The Mammalian Daily’s source, the purpose of the meeting was to ascertain the reason for the delay in determining the winner of the election and to discuss any irregularities in the voting or vote-counting process that may have occurred.

The source told The Mammalian Daily that the DWBS commissioned the survey in order to gauge Animals’ reaction to the presence of police during elections. Historically, police have not been present at POPS elections. They are usually peaceful events, as was the case this year. But the decision made by the DWBS to send police to the polling stations may have less to do with keeping the peace and more to do with plans to hold more elections in the future, the source said.

The election results, which were expected to be announced on November 8, are still pending.

OTD in 2016—”We don’t count votes by species,” Park Election Office head tells media

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vote-by-speciesMembers of the media drew ire this morning from Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel when they pressed him on the subject of Groundhog participation in Monday’s election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

The media inquiries were made at a short press conference which Wezel had called to issue an update on the counting of votes and the estimated time of announcing the election winner.

But when the conference was opened up to questions, it became obvious that most media representatives were more interested in whether The Park’s Groundhog population had exercised its franchise in this unusual election.

After a few failed attempts to move past the question, a visibly annoyed Wezel issued a terse response: “We don’t count votes by species.”

The answer, though, seemed not to satisfy the media, who then pressed Wezel on the reason for the three polls the PEO conducted before the election, two of which indicated that The Park’s Groundhog population had become disenchanted with the present system.

Wezel did not directly answer that question, but he did confirm that the Archons and the PEO were looking at that polling information “very carefully.”

“All I can tell you right now is that there are going to be changes made to the POPS elections,” he said. “We are rapidly outgrowing this system and we need to take action as soon as possible.”

OTD in 2011—Book Review: Shaken But Not Stirred

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When violence broke out between Park Police and protesters at an otherwise peaceful anti-amalgamation rally in August, many Animals (both in attendance and at home) assumed that The Park’s court system would deal with the fallout. After an open investigation into the matter, which relatively few Animals attended and which was only covered superficially by Park media, the event receded into memory. Never mind that one Goose was killed and several others were injured at the event; there was The Park’s film festival to attend and hibernation preparations to be made, among other (seemingly more important) things.

Contrast this with the intense reaction to the murder of the Tartan Crab, the Groundhog Day violence, and the Mongoose weather trial and you might think you see a growing trend toward apathy among Park residents.

That is, in fact, what is happening, says veteran psychoanalyst Dr. Berthilidis Strix, who is best known as co-author of the book, The Silent Cluck.

In her new book, Shaken But Not Stirred, Strix discusses the two distinct lines that she sees forming in The Park: growing prosperity alongside growing apathy. In Strix’s view, it is at the point at which these lines intersect that they become a threat to our way of life.

Unlike many analysts, Strix believes that these two seemingly independent streams feed each other and that, in fact, our growing apathy is responsible, in part, for our growing prosperity:

“Without this new-found ability to ignore the plight of others, it would be next to impossible for us, in good conscience, to amass these great quantities [of food and other material goods]…and, now, the pursuit of same has become the foundation of our growing economy.”

Strix is highly critical of what she calls this “new division of consciousness” and warns that unchecked apathy will have dire consequences for Park Animals in the future.

“We need only look to other species to see the end result [of apathy]”, she writes.

While Strix emphasizes in Shaken But Not Stirred that she can offer no solutions, one suspects that these may appear before long in a follow-up book. Her insights are far too important to serve only as philosophical fodder.

OTD in 2012—2012 Archons to make public education their legacy

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With a little more than two months to go before their term ends, the 2012 Archons announced plans today for “swift action” on their initiative to establish standardized public education in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt unveiled the official plan for the establishment of a system of “dedicated venues” across The Park “to fulfill the burning need for a standardized system of education for our young.”

The plan, which bears the name “Harmony Through Education” has been years in the making, but the 2012 Archons felt the need had become urgent.

“After we read the results of the [education] study that was commissioned by the 2011 Archons, we knew we had to act,” Newt said.

The Archons explained their decision in a statement released prior to the press conference. It read, in part:

Interspecial harmony is a cornerstone of The Promise of The Park and it is under threat. Several studies have shown a growing lack of knowledge of and lack of exposure to other species among our young. This, we believe, has contributed to the increase in incidents of interspecial violence over the past few years. At the same time, we are seeing dwindling knowledge of The Park’s history among all species, as the oldest Park citizens die off and the young turn their attention elsewhere. We can no longer afford the luxury of leaving education to the family; we must accept the responsibility of educating The Park’s young in a organized fashion. If we do not, we put the future of The Park at risk.

Newt concluded the press conference by affirming the outgoing Archons’ commitment to The Park’s future.

“To us, the future is now. Let this be our legacy, then, that we said enough studies have been done, enough opinions have been expressed. We need to take action and swiftly,” he said.

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OTD in 2015—The polls are open, the race is on. May the best candidate become POPS 2016

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POPS 2016

The polls are open.

At sixteen different stations around The Park, the ballots are neatly stacked and election officials stand at the ready to assist voters as they file in.

“The race is on. All that’s left is for Park Animals to tick whichever box belongs to the candidate they think will perform the duties of POPS best,” said an exhausted-looking Gerritt Wezel this morning.

If voter turnout is as high as it has been over the past few years, the Park Election Office head estimates it will take at least three days to count the votes and determine which of the 207 candidates will be 2016’s Park Official Prognosticator of Spring.

“However long it takes, though, you’ll know almost as soon as we know,” Wezel says.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TODAY’S ELECTION

  • The polls will be open until 11:00 pm
  • All adult resident Animals are eligible to vote
  • ID is recommended but not mandatory

OTD in 2016—As POPS mega rally begins, Tavros gets support from 2016 Keeper of the Nut

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tavros-poster-sans-wallIn what many are calling a “November unnerving,” 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf announced late last night that he will attend today’s POPS All Candidates’ mega rally in support of Yannis Tavros.

Girraaf, who last year became the first large Animal elected by The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) to serve as Keeper of the Nut, says it’s “high time this position became more inclusive.”

In a radio interview this morning on Toro Talk Radio, Tavros’s home station, Girraaf said that Tavros’s candidacy is not only groundbreaking, but “the logistical extension of what Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon put in place in 2003, when he opened up the position to elections with candidates from all species.”

But SAHC president Malinda L. Hamster, who last year expressed great joy at her community’s decision to elect Girraaf, says she herself has reservations about electing Tavros to the position.

“It isn’t his species that bothers me; it’s his temperament. He fluctuates wildly in both opinion and mood and I know that it takes a more steady temperament to be POPS,” she says.

“It isn’t just about the prediction, which arguably any Animal of any size or species could do. It’s about dealing with the pressures, before, during, and after. Predictions are disputed, those elected POPS in the past have been vilified and threatened. I don’t believe Yannis Tavros has the temperament to withstand such criticism. And I know he doesn’t have the discipline to stay quiet while his prediction is disputed.”

Despite her reservations, Hamster says that should Tavros win the election, she will abide by the decision of The Park’s Animals.

“It is an election, after all. And we must have faith in our fellow citizens,” she says.

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