The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Mating Dance to offer pre-registration, free counselling to endangered species

By

Golden Mantella Frog

Meet me at the Mating Dance!

Organizers of the 2015 Mating Dance will be offering members of The Park’s endangered species a pre-registration package that includes free genetic and psychological counselling services, it was announced today.

In a communiqué issued to all media this morning, the organizers of the event said that the unusual move comes as a response to the results of a number of population and attendance studies conducted at the University of West Terrier over the past five years:

“Based on the results of these studies and after a series of consultations with the Department of Well-Being and Safety, we have taken the decision to offer these special services to members of The Park’s endangered species.”

A spokesAnimal for the Dance said that all eligible Animals will have the opportunity to pre-register for the dance as of April 20.

“Let us be clear: this is not a pre-selection service that we are offering,” the spokesAnimal said.

“The pre-registration is meant to enable these Animals to make early contact with those who may be interested in meeting them at the Dance. We hope that this will raise the attendance level of our endangered species.”

Studies indicate that members of The Park’s endangered species have the lowest level of attendance at the Mating Dance.

According to Dr. Berthilidis Strix, head of The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, many Animals in the endangered community have “psychological and other problems” that lead to difficulties in relating to other Animals.

“This may seem ironic, since they are the ones who most need to reproduce, but there is a good reason for these low attendance levels. These Animals experience tremendous psychological barriers that they must overcome in order to procreate. I think this [pre-registration package] is the least we can do to help them in this endeavour,” she says.

Pre-registration for the Mating Dance will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, April 20 at the offices of the Department of Well-Being and Safety. All Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP).

OTD in 2017—Back by popular demand: PMoCA’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY” returns Sunday with special guest Ingolf Ewald

By

pmoca-1The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) made a surprise announcement this morning: its ARCHONOGRAPHY installation, which broke all attendance records during its initial two-month run, will reopen this weekend. And, it will host a special guest: renowned artist Ingolf Ewald.

Ewald, who is known for his painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat,” last visited The Park in August of 2015, when he opened the PMoCA’s “Art of the Domestic Feline” exhibition.

The ARCHONOGRAPHY installation, which the museum describes as “ultra-live,” is a tribute to the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy. It honours those who’ve served in The Park’s government over the past thirty-five years by having Park artists paint portraits of Archons chosen by museum-goers. All twelve hundred portraits completed thus far hang in the museum and they will do so until the end of the year.

This second iteration of the installation will differ slightly, according to head curator Aamuun Maroodiga’s announcement today. The artists will be on-site only eight hours a day instead of the previous twelve, and the installation will run from Sunday, April 16 until May 1, after which the museum will close to make preparations for its next major exhibition. Ingolf Ewald will be painting portraits of Archons from April 15 until April 21.

The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY” will reopen on Sunday, April 15 and run until May 1, 2017. Admission to the event is free. 

OTD in 2016—Raimundo Zorro strikes again: new web site violates conditions of sentence

By

Raimundo Zorro

DEVELOPING STORY

Raimundo Zorro has struck again.

Zorro, who was convicted last August on two counts of inciting hate by owning and operating the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch,” appears to have violated the conditions of his sentence by starting a new web site.

Zorro’s sentence, which was handed down on September 11, 2015 by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, prohibited him from hosting “any web sites of any nature and pertaining to any subject for the next three years.”

But today, police confirmed the existence of a new web site hosted by Zorro.

“It appears that Zorro is up to his old tricks,” Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said at a press conference early this morning.

“We were alerted to the existence of the new site by Hortencia Guacamayo of headsNtales, and we would like to express our gratitude to her for demonstrating a commitment to interspecial harmony,” he said.

Addax offered only scant details about the site, which is called, “BANDland.” He confirmed that the site uses technology to track the movements of The Park’s striped community but would not say what he believes Zorro intends to do with that information.

“No matter what his intentions, the site is a violation of the privacy and security of our striped citizens and a violation of the conditions of his sentence,” Addax said.

The SHCU Chief Inspector also confirmed that police initiated steps this morning to have the site taken down. A warrant has been issued for Zorro’s arrest.

OTD in 2014—Our late Spring may mean fewer cases of Small Ball Fever: DWBS

By

The Department of Well-Being and Safety is putting a positive spin on this year’s long, cold Winter.

The way the DWBS sees it, the longer the weather stays cold, the less likely it is that Park Animals will contract Small Ball Fever.

“It’s all a matter of numbers,” said Cornelius Kakapo, the DWBS Director of Public Relations, in an interview with The Mammalian Daily this morning.

“The later the arrival of Spring, the smaller the number of small balls that will enter The Park. Hence, the lower the number of cases of Small Ball Fever that we will have to treat,” he said.

Every year, the DWBS monitors the influx of small balls. This year, Kakapo says, the number has decreased significantly and the Department believes this is due to the late onset of warm weather.

The balls, which are known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms of the infection include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

Despite repeated attempts and the use of a variety of methods, he DWBS has been unable to contain the number of balls that enter The Park each year.

“Small balls are the bane of our existence. We can contain them inside The Park, but there is nothing we can do to restrict their number outside our borders,” Kakapo says.

OTD in 2017—What’s the buzz? Mumblebee to perform at today’s Stereotype Sunday

By

MumblebeeMumblebee will perform at today’s Stereotype Sunday, it was announced this morning.

In a short press release, the popular artist’s representatives confirmed that she will join Belles and Whistles and rappers The Tweeters for two sets during this week’s event.

Mumblebee, who performs a combination of spoken word and lyrical music, does not call herself a “singer.” Rather, she refers to herself as an “artist who performs in different musical styles at the same time.” Her distinct sound has been compared to the Human “vocal fry,” though her fans dislike the comparison, apparently for good reason.

“What Mumblebee does is very different and far more challenging than anything any Human has ever done,” says Telma Abelha, music critic at the Serangga Star Adviser.

“Quite frankly, to perform in the style of Mumblebee requires vocalization that Humans are not physically capable of. And it’s by no means easy.” Abelha says.

Mumblebee arrived on The Park’s music scene last year and with her breakout recording of “Rumor,” captured the imagination and the hearts of music fans. Translated into the languages of one hundred and forty-two different species, the work has broken records, but because of the artist’s refusal to define herself as a singer, those sales statistics do not appear on The Park’s lists of top selling songs.

Mumblebee will perform today at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre at two o’clock and again at four-thirty.

OTD in 2017—Domestic Animals have no control over their estates: UWT study

By

dog-toysAt a time when Park residents are amassing greater amounts of wealth and material goods, a new study shows that Animals who live outside The Park have no legal control over their possessions during their lifetime and even afterwards.

The study, out of the University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law, shows that ninety-nine percent of Animals who live in domestic situations with Humans have to relinquish control of their possessions—including toys, food, beds, clothing and other accoutrements, and even trophies and awards—after they die and, in some cases, even before that.

The study was conducted by UWT Law Professor Fionnula Fox and a team of Chittenden research assistants. After extensive and multiple interviews with three thousand, five hundred domestic Animals of seventeen different species, the researchers concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions during or after their lifetime, even if those possessions had been purchased or won by the Animals themselves.

“It is a dismal situation for the domestics,” says Fox, an expert in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“We heard the same stories, over and over, from these poor creatures, some of whom had to witness their own possessions being handed over to other Animals right in front of them. Others told of witnessing the dying wishes of their friends and families ignored by Humans, sometimes resulting in the very possessions they had most treasured becoming trash,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

The conclusions drawn from these heartbreaking interviews will be published in the Journal of Extra-Hortulanial Law (JEHL) in June, coincidentally the same month that The Park has designated as Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

OTD in 2017—Month Without Metaphor executive committee names new director

By

mwm-posterThe executive committee of Park media’s annual Month Without Metaphor has named Ronald Grouse as director of the annual initiative.

The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst will take the reins on Monday and begin by expanding MWM’s reach through social media, says an announcement issued this morning.

A graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier, Grouse has been a frequent guest of Yannis Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show and a regular commentator during coverage of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations. He has worked at The Avian Messenger for the past eight years.

Grouse replaces Alvin Tinamou, who was one of the founders of Month Without Metaphor and who served as its director the past three years.

OTD in 2016—Civet calls for freeze on development of all food-related technology

By

A.P. Civet

SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet called for a moratorium on food-related technology

In a bold move that is sure to spark controversy, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) has called for a moratorium on the development of all food-related technology.

Society president A.P. Civet took to the airwaves this morning to announce that his members had voted unanimously last night to make the call for a temporary halt to the development of food-related technology and food-finding apps in particular.

The hastily-arranged vote came in response to remarks made yesterday by Peppi Orava, president of SINCAP Technologies, the company that released the food-finding app Bulb Beacon last year.

As a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show, Orava disputed the Society’s claims that her app encouraged Animals to abandon their natural ways of finding food.

“The SCPCPGF claims that our technologies are meant to displace the old ways. Quite the contrary. What we were aiming for—and what we’ve succeeded in doing—is allowing Animals to do what they do naturally, but without expending as much time and energy doing it,” she told Tavros.

Orava went on to say that she believed technology would enable Animals to become more efficient at finding food.

“But if we do discover a shortage of food, that is not the fault of the technology; it is the fault of the farming community. It is their job to provide for the needs of Park Animals.”

It was that last comment that so incensed Civet that he immediately arranged the SCPCPGF membership meeting that resulted in the call for a moratorium on food technology development.

Today, on the radio, Civet was unapologetic about his hasty response.

“We believe these technologies have a use, but they’ve been made available too soon. They set up expectations that can’t possibly be met by any food provider,” he said.

“There are so many factors that go into the cultivation, planting, and growing of foodstuffs. It’s as impossible to blame one group for shortages as it is to praise one group for bounty. Peppi Orava spoke out of ignorance, and I’m here to say that ignorance will feed neither the stomach nor the spirit.”

OTD in 2013—Museum of Contemporary Art to unveil first art installation

By

The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) is set to unveil its newest exhibit this weekend. The live art installation is entitled, How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?

The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) is set to unveil its newest exhibit to the public this weekend and it promises to be one of the most talked-about artistic events in Park history.

At a gala opening tomorrow evening, patrons finally will be able to view the Museum’s — and The Park’s — first art installation. But that’s not all: the installation, which is entitled, How Much Was That Doggie in the Window? is a live art installation.

“It’s been a long slog for all of us, but we’re finally ready. All systems are go and we couldn’t be more excited,” says Aulikki Norsu, president of PMoCA’s board of directors.

The live exhibition, which depicts the sorry life of the domestic Canine, was curated by Dorika Pumi, whose previous work for the Museum includes the K-NONical Kismet exhibit and the controversial but well-received series of sketches entitled, Better To Be Lost Than Loved.

But this new exhibit is not just another one-dimensional criticism of Canine domesticity, Pumi insists.

“This is a living, breathing, depiction of one of the least-discussed but most horrifying aspects of domestic Canine life,” she says.

According to Pumi, thousands of Canines are bought every year (“purchased” is the word that Pumi uses) on the open market outside The Park, then housed in apartment complexes that are sometimes hundreds of feet in height, and left there to languish while their Human companions — the ones who profess to love them — stay away for hours on end.

“These Dogs have no idea whether those Humans will ever return,” says Pumi. “They don’t know what’s going to happen to them. They can’t get out of there on their own and every day they wonder whether they will die there, distraught and alone.”

To get her message across, Pumi enlisted the services of those who know whereof she speaks: The Park’s Canine refugees.

“These are the Dogs who have received assistance from Runaway Rovers, the immigrant aid group that helps formerly domestic Canines establish a better life in The Park,” she says.

Four different groups of these formerly domestic Dogs will work in the exhibit. Their shifts will be four hours long and two different groups will work on the installation each day. They will need a break after four hours, Pumi says, because they will have spent the entirety of that time howling while hanging out of the window of a wall that was specially constructed for the exhibit.

“It’s a tough job, but there was no shortage of Dogs who were willing to take it on when they heard about the project,” says Pumi. “They’ve lived the life and we’ve given them the chance to show us what it’s like.”

How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?  will be installed at the Park Museum of Contemporary Art until November, 2013.

OTD in 2016—Mammalian Daily becomes first Park newspaper to ban Human jokes

By

BanDEVELOPING STORY

“A guy walks into a bar on two feet…”

So begins the most popular twenty-minute set at The Howler, The Park’s only comedy club.

The joke was written and is performed weekly by Dalmanik, who is widely considered to be the king of The Park’s “new comedy.” But as of today, Dalmanik will not be able to make that joke on the pages of The Mammalian Daily.

That’s because so-called “Human jokes” have now been officially banned by the newspaper.

In an “urgent memo” sent to all employees of The Mammalian Daily on Friday, managing editor Orphea Haas declared that poking fun at Humans, “our fellow Mammals,” is not appropriate in a modern Park.

“While it would be foolish of me to suggest that we in The Park have no issues with Humans, it would be equally foolish to suggest that making fun of them, denigrating and disparaging them, either in comedy, poetry, prose, or news coverage, is appropriate,” the memo says.

As a result, Haas has banned all of the above from The Mammalian Daily’s news pages, web site, radio, podcasts, and all other enterprises connected to Mammalian Daily Associated News Services.

This is the first time any kind of ban on joking or comedy has occurred in any Park media, according to Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

“I don’t believe we’ve seen anything like it since the establishment of zoocracy,” he said in a radio interview this morning. “I thought zoocracy valued a free and open press. I think Haas is moving in a very dangerous direction by closing the paper rather than opening it up. What with refusing to name her journalists and this, she is taking a few steps backward and that is very disturbing.”

Not all media experts agree with Akita, though. Ludwiga Saimiri, UWT Professor of Journalism and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ), issued a statement this morning in which she said she thought this was a positive move on Haas’s part.

“I support Orphea Haas in her determination to keep the news free of frivolous commentary and damaging and reprehensible jokes. Interspecial values demand that we attempt to understand and accommodate those who are different from ourselves. We have a duty to treat every Animal with respect,” the statement said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

April 2026
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930