The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2019—Dewi Rhinoceros: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animal of the Year

By

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen former Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros as its 2018 Animal of the Year.

At a press conference at noon today, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour Rhinoceros because of her “tireless commitment to interspecial harmony, and her ongoing work to foster awareness of the effects of enforced domestication.”

During her term as Chief Archon, Dewi Rhinoceros and her fellow Archons established our weekly Stereotype Sundays, in an effort to “promote the kind of peaceful coexistence among species” that Jor [The Park’s first leader] had hoped to achieve when he established modern zoocracy. Now in their seventh year, these highly successful weekly gatherings play an important part in the peace and stability of life in The Park.

As Chief Archon, Dewi Rhinoceros also established June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month. In announcing the first of the annual events, Rhinoceros said, “we are finally acknowledging the dangers of enforced domestication and committing to a strategy to overcome those dangers.” Many Park residents have credited the month-long event with saving their lives. Now in its seventh year, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month has expanded to encompass not only awareness and prevention, but ongoing treatment of the effects of enforced domestication,

After she left office, Rhinoceros fulfilled a lifelong ambition and opened the Centre for Interspecial Harmony. The Centre runs educational programmes, hosts events, and funds research projects in association with the University of West Terrier.

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of Dewi Rhinoceros and the Centre for Interspecial Harmony and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2019.

OTD in 2016—The lives we lost in 2016

By

We remember some of the friends and family we lost in 2016:

RIPZuberi Tembo
Endeka Elephant Band bassist and passionate supporter of equality among the species

RIPEmma-Elizabeth Cheetah
Sports enthusiast and avid supporter of The Park’s Interspecial Games

RIPGumpert Mullet
Faithfully served as Archon in 2008

RIPArienne Marcelline Tuna
Faithfully served two terms as Archon in 2010/2011

RIPAbdullah Arthur Camel
Clean water advocate and volunteer at Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds (KYPOOP)

RIPWilbur Gibbon
Education advocate

RIPBreckinridge Gastrostrich
Teaching assistant, University of West Terrier

RIPAbílio Girafa
Volunteer, Extinction Anxiety Clinic

RIPFrançois Tigre
Volunteer at CatsCare

RIPAlicia Abeja 

RIPMikhail Eagle

RIPSamuel Swordfish

RIPGracia Cheetah

RIPThomas Gastrotrich

RIPNausikaa Newt

RIPMariana Mayfly

RIPMagda Albatross 

RIPSusannah Mayfly

RIPDarius Anaconda 

RIPConchita Firefly

RIPFrançoise Adèle Canard

RIPGloria Butterfly; Xanthippe Butterfly; Zoê Butterfly; Frank Norman Beaver; L.L. Barry Hedgehog; Albertino Bee; K.W. Bee; Santiago Jacinto Bee; Zachariah Bee; Bronwyn Bee; Adam Gastrotrich; Dyson Cougar; Irina Whistlepig; Zara Baboon; Irving Kodkod, and many more.

OTD in 2016—Chief Archon Raymond Mink: “We leave office with so much left to do.”

By

r-minkEXCERPT
In his only exit interview, The Park’s Chief Archon, Raymond Mink, whose term ends on January 16, 2017, tells The Mammalian Daily he believes that longer terms for Archons might serve us better. 

We sat down with Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink in early December to discuss his views on zoocracy, the direction The Park is going, and other important aspects of governing this vast space and its diverse population. This is an excerpt from that interview.

TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon, for sitting down with us today.

RM: Thank you for having me. I’m delighted to be talking to you today.

TMD: Let’s get this out of the way first: how would you evaluate your term as Chief Archon?

RM: I knew you would ask me that, and it’s a very difficult question to answer, even though, of course, I’ve thought about it. The reason it’s difficult is not just because, as the the cliché goes, history will make the final judgment. The truth is, it won’t. No matter what we [the Archons] did, whether we were effective or not, whether we believed we were effective or not, our policies will be viewed differently by different citizens at different times over the course of history. So, our decision to, for example, offer more support to immigrant Animals, may be regarded as a good decision, as a prescient decision, or as bad decision or a destructive one. I would posit that it will be regarded, as time marches forward, as all of the above, depending on the circumstances. I hope that answers at least part of your question.

TMD: It does. Thank you. Next question: if you could enact one thing that would make governing The Park better, what would it be?

RM: Enact, as in unilaterally?

TMD: Yes.

RM: I think I would make the Archons’ terms longer. One year is not nearly enough time to settle into the job, to understand what is required at that particular time and then to act on it. I would say we need at least three years. Two would be better, but if it were a unilateral decision, I think I might agree with that new group, Park Citizens for Long Haul Government. They want five years. Four might be better. But, one year isn’t enough. The frustration we feel—and I’ve talked about this to former Archons and Chief Archons—the frustration is enormous. The push to get things accomplished within a one-year period…before you know it, your time is up. It’s very stressful for us. We leave office with so much left to do.

The full interview will be published in early January, 2017.

OTD in 2013—Hieronymous Hedgehog: TMD’s Animal of the Year

By

Hieronymous Hedgehog

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen veteran Park citizen Hieronymous Hedgehog as its 2013 Animal of the Year.

In a press announcement this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff was impressed by “the demeanour he displayed in the face of what seemed like never-ending controversy.”

“Hieronymous Hedgehog became the model of a calm, loyal Park citizen. When faced with a barrage of criticism, he refused to strike back, waiting for the dust to settle. Then, he decided to meet his most fervent critic on his own turf, secure in his view of himself and in his loyalty to The Park,” she said.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who is currently in hibernation, is expected to acknowledge the honour when he appears at the 2014 Groundhog Day celebrations.

OTD in 0216—Bedfellows’ backing singer on bed rest after near-fatal attack outside Park

By

Hugo PercevejoHugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, is on bed rest today after he suffered a near-fatal attack yesterday outside The Park.

According to Kalervo Lude, the group’s manager, Percevejo left The Park yesterday afternoon to visit friends in their new home. Their visit was interrupted by a gang of Humans who threw them out of the home after spraying them with some kind of toxic substance.

Lude said Percevejo told him he was “left to die” on the sidewalk but he managed to crawl back to The Park, where he was taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Unfortunately, Percevejo’s friends were not as lucky.

After spending the night in the hospital, the singer was sent home and told to remain on bed rest for a week.

The group’s members issued a statement early this afternoon, confirming that Percevejo will not be performing with them at Wednesday’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

“We are devastated by this event and its consequences to our beloved colleague and his friends. We are heartened that Hugo will recover, but our hearts are heavy with sorrow for those who will not,” the statement said in part.

According to Lude, the group will not be replacing Percevejo at Wednesday’s performance

OTD in 2016—Archons unveil logo of “Zoocracy 35”

By

zoocracy-35The 2016 Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations (DHFC) have unveiled the official logo of this year’s celebration of the founding of zoocracy in The Park.

At a press event this morning, DHFC director of public relations Aintza Kanariar introduced Chief Archon Raymond Mink, who spoke for a few minutes about Park history and the struggle for Animal self-rule. Then, assisted by his fellow Archons, he pulled the cover off a picture of the official logo.

Commissioned for the occasion by the 2014 Archons, the logo was designed and produced by slow artist Heike Slak, whose painting, “Beacon,” hangs in the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA).

The year-long celebration in The Park, which will begin on 1 January 2017, will be called “Zoocracy 35,” Mink told the press.  Slak’s “Zoocracy 35” logo features Animals of different species standing together above the words “Zoocracy/35/1982-2017.”

Slak, who spoke briefly at the unveiling, answered reporters’ questions about his colour choices for the logo.

“In many ways, I believe my choices regarding colour make the logo accessible to all,” Slak said. “The use of green, of course, symbolizes The Park. And gold seemed like the best colour to portray the value of Park life.”

Chief Archon Mink said the logo would appear on all official Archon correspondence, as well as on all Park letterhead, and announcements about Zoocracy 35 events. In addition, he confirmed that Park shops would be selling official Zoocracy 35 merchandise, including clothing, bowls, sportswear, and collectibles. A portion of all proceeds will go to a special Zoocracy 35 Fund, which will support The Park’s most needy residents.

OTD in 2012—Caution is key to safety this holiday season: DWBS

By

Beware of Humans: The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued its annual safety alert for the holiday season.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its annual seasonal advisory, warning Animals to beware of Humans who display certain characteristics that “might prove dangerous down the road.”

The advisory, which was issued on December 20, warns Park Animals against associating with Humans who display overly-friendly behaviour toward them or who take an “interest in their life circumstances that goes beyond normal friendship.”

“We are advising Park Animals always to be aware, to listen carefully and be observant of Human behaviour, especially during the holiday season,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

The advisory warns Animals to be on the lookout for Humans who say they are seeking “animal companionship” and who try to entice them with food, or who make cooing noises at them or call them by names such as “cutie” and “sweetie.”

“The sentimentality of the season makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans. Especially at this time of year, Humans seem to lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny. They sincerely believe they are doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642

OTD in 2015—”Think Safety” the theme of this year’s travel advisory, say police, DWBS

By

The theme of this year’s travel advisory is “Think Safety.”

As they issued their annual advisory for travel both inside and outside The Park, the police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) warned Animals to be “extra-vigilant” when interacting with Humans this holiday season.

“As usual, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans. But be aware that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals,” the advisory warns.

In particular, Animals are warned against interacting with Humans who exhibit sentimental behaviour or who appear to be seeking comfort through association with other Animals.

“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship,’ ‘snuggles,’ or if say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

“The sentimentality of the season has always affected Human behaviour and made them more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“But this year, that urge may be stronger, with many more Humans having been combatants in war or having been displaced from their homelands. Under normal circumstances, Humans easily lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny and believe they’re doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families. Under even more strained circumstances, they can begin to believe that Animals exist for their own benefit and comfort,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

OTD in 2016—DWBS adds sensitivity to endangered species to annual safety advisory

By

safetyThe police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) have added a little something to their Winter travel advisory: the suggestion that we be sensitive to our endangered species.

In their annual statement, which was issued today, they repeated the warning to Park residents to be “extra-vigilant” when interacting with the Human species during the holiday season, but they also emphasized that Humans are not the only species that can hurt Park Animals.

“It is important at this time in the history of the world that we be sensitive to the anxieties of members of our fellow species, particularly those who face extinction,” the advisory warns.

“In our day-to-day dealings with members of endangered species, it is of paramount importance that we exhibit sensitivity and caring and that we not cause them more anxiety than they already are feeling.”

The advisory goes on to warn Park Animals about the dangers of interacting with Humans, both inside and outside The Park:

“Be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans. Keep in mind that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals,” the advisory warns.

In particular, the advisory warns Animals that they should refrain from interacting with Humans who exhibit sentimental behaviour or who appear to be seeking comfort through association with other Animals.

“Be on the lookout for suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If they attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship,’ ‘snuggles,’ or if say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

The advisory listed a number of reasons for the Human behaviour it warns about, including the sentimentality of the season and the fact that many more Humans have been combatants in war or have been displaced from their homelands.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

OTD in 2016—2017 will be the year of the political book, say Park publishers

By

Pile of booksA slew of books dealing with politics and zoocracy is set to be released in 2017, according to the Association of Park Publishers (APP).

Inspired by the upcoming celebration of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary, some of The Park’s most esteemed thinkers began toiling in secret a few years ago, setting down their analyses and ideas about Animal self-rule. Their work will be released in published form beginning in January.

“This is definitely the year of the political book,” says Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

“We realized that back in 2014, when we started getting manuscripts dealing with zoocracy and Park history. Some of them could have been published earlier, but we decided to wait and make it a literary celebration of this political phenomenon. We feel very privileged to have the opportunity to release twenty-five books this year on the subject.”

Other Park publishers agree. Marcellin de la Griffe, who owns and manages Marcellin de la Griffe Publishers, says his company has been working on the same theme for a couple of years. The publisher says that after wooing historian and University of West Terrier professor Pieter Paard away from Birch Bark Books, he managed to convince other prominent writers to publish their books with his company.

“Our authors— who are historians, political philosophers, scientists, psychologists, and artists—represent some of The Park’s greatest thinkers. We’re going to have an incredible year-long launch party,” he says.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

January 2026
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031