The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—Coalition calls emergency meeting at Cackling Goose to discuss budget

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Cackling Goose TavernBREAKING NEWS

A coalition of groups whose interests range from weather, food production, education, and healthcare to business and technology has called an emergency meeting tonight at The Cackling Goose Tavern to discuss key elements of The Park’s upcoming budget.

The coalition’s members hail from a number of the Park’s citizen aid and action associations, as well as from other alliances and federations. The Park’s technology companies, including SINCAP Technologies, GVC De-Tech, DoftTek, S.A, and RhinoTech, also form part of the coalition.

According to a communication obtained by The Mammalian Daily, the purpose of the meeting is to begin the process of making a joint proposal to PFO head Valentina Abeja for increased funding for weather purchases, food production, education, and business support. The 2016 budget allocated a total of thirty-three percent of the budget for the above and the coalition believes this funding is insufficient.

Some of the groups that make up the coalition are:

Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF)
Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP)
Produce for Progress
Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds
Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol
Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS)
Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band
Skunks Against Gunk
Park Education Working Collective  (PEWC)
Park Citizens for Education (PCFE)

OTD in 2016—Holstein Fashion honours Zuberi Tembo

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One day before The Park holds its official memorial for Zuberi Tembo, Holstein Fashion’s charity EQUALSS has released a design in his honour.

At a short press gathering this morning, the company’s president and CEO Balbina Ko explained her personal and professional connection to the Endeka Elephant Band’s bass player, who was murdered two weeks ago in his native Africa, while on a trip home to visit his family.

“Very few know this, but when my company decided to establish a charity to ensure that striped and spotted Animals achieved equality in The Park, Zuberi Tembo was the first to congratulate me and to offer his support,” she said.

According to Ko, Tembo was a “passionate supporter of equality among the species” and he was distressed at the statistics regarding the treatment of striped and spotted Animals in The Park.

“Not just because of what he had suffered, but because he was a gentle, loving, and intelligent Animal, Zuberi understood that there was no such thing as equality for some,” Ko said.

She also said he offered to write a song for EQUALSS and the band has promised her that “the work on that song will go on.”

The Park will honour the fallen musician at one o’clock tomorrow afternoon at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, where a flag emblazoned with the new Tembo design will fly at half-mast.

OTD in 2013—Autochthonous art to take root at Park ART Walk 2013

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PAW logoThe 2013 Park ART Walk will highlight the art of The Park’s autochthonous Animals, it was announced today.

In a joint statement released this morning, the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk (PAW), the Society of Autochthonous Artists (SAA), The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, and the Founding Families Financial Corporation, confirmed the theme of The Park’s 7th annual Park ART Walk.

“We are extremely pleased that we have been able to work together to bring this focus to the 2013 Park ART Walk,” the statement began.

“While The Park is extremely proud of its immigrants and values the contributions in all areas that they have made and continue to make, we believe that it is time to shine a light on the artistic endeavours, both past and present, of our autochthonous population. These are the Animals without whom there would be no zoocracy and no Park as we know it, the Animals who foraged here first, then forged out of this place a society for others to live in peacefully, based on the values that we all have come to share,” the statement concluded.

Underwritten in part by the Founding Families Financial Corporation, The Park-wide exhibition will be entitled, “From the Ground Up.”

This is only the second time in its history that the Park ART Walk has had a distinct theme. Last year, thanks to a one-time gift from The Archons’ Initiative Fund, the event showcased art as it related to the theme, “INtegration through ART.” The stated goal of that themed exhibition was to “encourage Animals to learn more about species other than their own, so that we can understand our differences and our similarities.”

The 2013 theme, however, appears to have a much less ambitious goal.

“Our exhibit of autochthonous art has no goal beyond appreciation,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

The Park ART Walk (PAW) is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 7th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, August 17, 2013 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, retail establishments, and at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. This year’s jury will include curators from the Ewe and Moo and Knochen Kunst Galleries.

OTD in 2012—Bad Boy Chef to open new restaurant at Park Museum

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Bad Boy chef Tab Tricolore will open the PurrBoy Café at The Park Museum

Bad boy chef, Tab Tricolore, will open his next restaurant at The Park Museum, according to a statement released on July 15 by The Museum’s Board of Governors.

The new restaurant will be called the PurrrBoy Café and will serve formal lunches and dinners, as well as take-away meals for those on the go. The restaurant will commence service approximately two weeks before the museum’s opening ceremonies take place.

Insiders speculate that Tricolore will engage the services of Tagma Design for the new café’s décor. Tagma Design is the firm Tricolore has used for each of his four restaurants.

“Tab trusts them completely. I think he has definite ideas about what he wants for this restaurant. I think he wants it to be not only different, but special,” said a source who wished not to be named.

Tricolore has made headlines over the years for his penchant for wild scenes and sudden staff firings, as well as for occasionally pouncing on customers who complain about his food.

“Tab has little patience for customer complaints,” says his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “He’s a perfectionist and he figures if you’re complaining, you just don’t get it,” he says. “He’s the same way with staff.”

To his credit, Tricolore says he will be hiring staff for the new restaurant “from within The Park”, as he has done for each of his restaurants. According to his web site, training will begin three months after all staff members are hired.

The Park Museum is scheduled to open in 2013.

OTD in 2016—Body of Zuberi Tembo interred in Africa; memorial service to be held in Park

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Zuberi Tembo

The late Zuberi Tembo (Photo taken last year)

The body of bassist Zuberi Tembo was interred in his native Africa yesterday, his cousin Thwayya Tembo told The Mammalian Daily.

The Endeka Elephant Band member was killed ten days ago on a trip home to visit his family. His cousin, who is acting as the family’s spokesAnimal, said they continue to mourn the loss of their loved one but are grateful for the outpouring of support from The Park.

“We are all devastated by the loss of Zuberi. His murder was made all the more painful by the irony that he had escaped the danger of Humans by defecting from the circus so many years ago and had lived peacefully in The Park. But we want to express our appreciation to the Archons and to all Park citizens for the outpouring of support for his family and friends. It is gratifying to know that there are so many who were touched by Zuberi during his lifetime.”

In a related statement released this morning, The Archons confirmed that a memorial service for the fallen musician will take place on July 26 at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Details will be available shortly.

OTD in 2015—Millicent Hayberry eulogizes superfan at Saturday’s memorial service

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Millicent Hayberry

Hayberry eulogized superfan Xanthippe Porcupine at Saturday’s memorial service

Outside the Burrow Theatre yesterday, Millicent Hayberry acknowledged the contributions of Xanthippe Porcupine, her “greatest fan,” and held court afterwards, signing autographs and mixing with the crowd at what some in attendance called a “bizarre combination of memorial service, self-promotion, and lovefest.”

At times unusually restrained and at others downright effusive, Hayberry spoke almost lovingly of an Animal whom she had at first feared.

“I was young, inexperienced, and unused to such focused attention,” she told the crowd of mourners standing under the bright sun. “Xanthippe changed all that for me.”

Hayberry said she’d found that one of the consequences of having a superfan was that she had to fight to maintain a more objective view of herself and her work. But, at the same time, Porcupine’s recommendations provided a balance.

“Xanthippe was never critical, even when she made suggestions, which other actors would have found outrageous and presumptuous. But she had a good ear and was particular about cadence and, in the end, I believe that made my performances better,” she said.

Among the others who spoke at the memorial was Porcupine’s daughter Carys, who thanked Hayberry for agreeing to give the eulogy, while gently teasing her about never feeling as important to her mother as Hayberry was.

“I was, in fact, my mother’s only daughter, but I always felt as if I were her second and Millicent Hayberry was her first,” she joked. “My only regret is that my mother wasn’t able to hear the wonderful things you said about her today.”

Porcupine was laid to rest in a private burial Saturday evening.

OTD in 2016—Flyball Finals take on new significance

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Flyball DogSunday’s Flyball Finals will be exciting, for sure. But those attending the annual sporting event will feel a particular sense of pride this year. And a poignancy, as well.

“There is no doubt that Flyball has come a long way in The Park,” says Adrià Lebrel, president of the Park Flyball Association (PFA).

“It took years for us to accept it, and that goes for all ball sports. But it’s taken even longer for us to take pride in our abilities in that area. We’ve been far more willing to show reverence toward our athletes who wrestle, tunnel, race, or swim. Our ball athletes have had to work much harder for recognition and that’s a shame,” he says.

But, Lebrel says, it’s a testament to our ability to expand our minds that ball sports have finally gained our respect. And he credits Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and Park sports historian, Bailey, with helping to bring about the change in our attitude.

“Bailey worked hard to build respect for the ball. Before he started writing his column, none of us knew anything about ball history or its importance in the life of Canines and other Animals. He taught us about ourselves, and this year, with his work with the Park Museum on the flyball exhibit (Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals), he’s brought that full circle. We owe him a great deal of thanks.”

Still, come Sunday, we’ll also be feeling some sadness, due to the theft of Bailey’s basketball, which he’d lent to the museum for the duration of the exhibition.

“When he stands up to open the games, we’ll be feeling for him. There’s no doubt about that,” says Lebrel.

OTD in 2013—Rumoured increase in tourism funding fuels Animals’ anger

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The 2014 budget is due to be presented at the end of the month

Park Animals are fuming over rumours that the 2014 budget includes an increase in funding to promote tourism.

The rumours, which were published this morning in several Park newspapers, have added fuel to Park residents’ anger about the budget and about the Archons’ push to make The Park a popular tourist destination.

“The Park Finance Office should be ashamed of itself for even considering it, and so should the Archons,” Emmanuelle Musaraigne told reporters at a hastily-called press conference this afternoon.

Musaraigne, who is president of the recently-formed anti-tourism group, NoPARKing, mnaged to assemble her membership within minutes of hearing the rumour. Some even came prepared, carrying signs that simply said, “NO!”

“We will protest and we will protest until this thing is removed from the budget,” Musaraigne declared at the end of the conference.

“And we will boycott this ill-conceived three-prong tourism plan entirely unless the Finance Office and the Tourist Office show some respect for Park citizens,” she said.

The plan, which was introduced last year as a scheme to open up a new revenue stream for The Park, has continued to be controversial and unpopular among Park residents. Last year, some particularly infuriated members of the group, Keep Your Paws out of Our Ponds, set up barriers in the new tourist areas in the hope of discouraging return visitors.

Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) says that while there is no proof that tourists benefit The Park’s economy, there is ample evidence that they are destroying our pristine environment : ”It’s not as if they buy anything from our shops or even from our restaurants,” he says. “They insult us by bringing their own food and drink and leaving the garbage behind for us to clean up.”

But The Park’s immigrant aid groups say they fear an even more devastating possibility: that funds that have previously gone to assisting refugees and new immigrants might be diverted to this new tourism plan.

“We are a Park of immigrants and refugees, some of whom have fled the very creatures we are now being told to welcome and to serve. This is a very dangerous path for us to follow,” says Inez Gallina of Home to Roost.

OTD in 2014—”Mongoose Summers” threaten Park life: coalition

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Another mongoose summer

“Mongoose Summers” are a threat to our way of life, Animals say

A series of “Mongoose Summers“ is threatening our way of life in The Park, say the members of a coalition that has formed to fight for better weather.

The coalition, which is made up of the members of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), and the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), says that Park weather finally reached a crisis point this Summer.

“There’s no turning back. We have to do something right now or our population will not be able to feed or house itself within a decade,” declared A.P. Civet, of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

In an interview with Mammalian Daily Radio,  Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), confirmed that she has scheduled a meeting with Chief Archon Buckminster Moose on July 22.

“Our coalition will be putting together a statement…an ultimatum of sorts,” she said. “We are going to petition the Chief Archon to have the Archons take over the weather budget from the Park Finance Office. In our considered opinion, the PFO is not fit to make decisions regarding the purchase of weather,” she said.

The Park’s weather has been a contentious issue for some years now, ever since the Park Finance Office, in an effort to conserve funds, made the decision to purchase weather from outside The Park.

“From day one, that weather was of inferior quality,” Sun Bear said in the interview.

“And the result has been that what we didn’t spend on weather we paid dearly for in reduced crops and damage to our abodes. And that has to end right now.”

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