The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—Budget 2017: A year when words might speak louder than numbers

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Since presenting her 2017 Budget yesterday morning, Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja has embarked on a media tour that will see her visit most of The Park’s radio and television stations in the coming weeks.

This will be the first time that a Budget Chief has taken to the airwaves to discuss the financial decisions she’s made on our behalf. Yet, this year, it may be entirely appropriate, since the words in the budget say far more about Abeja’s intent than the numbers do.

One example of that is an expense category that has seen not only a three percent increase over last year, but a name change, as well. “Refugee Support” is now listed as “Refugee Aid,” and that’s a change that, not surprisingly, The Park’s refugee aid groups are welcoming.

“We were thrilled to see the change in the name. It signals a real shift in the way the PFO is thinking about helping these Animals, going from indirect support to direct aid,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, one of many groups that assist refugees and new immigrants.

The Mammalian Daily’s full analysis of the budget will be published next week.

2017 Park Budget

OTD in 2012—UWT, Park Hospital to open first Extinction Anxiety Clinic

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In a statement released yesterday, the University of West Terrier School of Medicine announced that it will collaborate with The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm to establish The Park’s first Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

The clinic, which will be housed within the University of West Terrier, is the first of its kind in The Park. The Clinic’s mission is to diagnose and treat the symptoms of extinction anxiety in all species of Animals and to educate the public with regard to the effects of extinction anxiety on the health and well-being of Animals.

“Extinction anxiety is one of the fastest-growing psychological conditions in The Park. Every day, we see at least a hundred new cases,” says Dr. Berthilidis Strix, who was appointed as the clinic’s head last month. “It is essential that we address the problem now, before it becomes a threat to our collective health and prosperity,” she says.

The clinic will also be staffed by Drs. Gudrun L. Gibbon and Elinore E. Owl and other faculty members of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, as well as doctors, nurses, and community support workers from The Park Hospital.

In addition to diagnosing and treating Animals, clinic staff hope to conduct research on the effects of extinction anxiety on The Park’s economy, as well as on Animal behaviour.

The Extinction Anxiety Clinic is scheduled to open in January 2013.

OTD in 2016—”I smell a Rat,” Stinktier cries, as Rotte jailed after Stereotype Sunday stunt

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GunnarGunnar Rotte was hauled off to jail yesterday afternoon, after what he calls a “social experiment gone awry.”

According to a spokesAnimal for Park Police, The Rodent Commoner journalist was arrested for disturbing the peace and jailed for inciting violence at The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday.

The charges stem from Rotte’s actions yesterday, when he arrived at the weekly event disguised as a Skunk, claiming he was visiting family. Rotte contends he was trying to prove that Skunks receive more hospitality in The Park than Rats.

What he failed to anticipate, however, was that his “experiment” would offend Park Skunks.

It didn’t take long for him to find out, though. After about half an hour of walking around the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, tasting snacks and questioning other attendees, Faramund Stinktier, of the SCENTient Beings, outed him, declaring for all to hear, “I smell a Rat!”

The singer and composer, who was born a Skunk but now identifies as a Zebra, spoke to The Mammalian Daily by telephone this morning. He says he was incensed by the idea that a Rat would pose as a Skunk for the purpose of claiming that Skunks’ lives are easier than those of Rats.

“I may not feel in my heart as though I’m a Skunk, but I have experienced my entire life as a Skunk and I know it isn’t easy. We are are shunned by many, including Humans, and we suffer the same trauma as any other Animal in that position. I take offence to what Gunnar Rotte did and I believe he should apologize to the entire Skunk population of The Park,” he said.

Rotte will appear before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon. He will be represented by Pernilla Varghund, junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

OTD in 2015—Don’t forget: Park ART Walk’s “Art Against All Odds” is on tomorrow

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PAW logoThe organizers request the honour of your presence at the following event:

Park ART Walk
Saturday, August 15, 2015
10:00 am – 7:00 pm

Entitled, “Art Against All Odds,” the 2015 Park ART Walk will focus on the art of The Park’s endangered species. The organizers of PAW 2015 wish to thank its partner and collaborator, the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, for its support.

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Tortoiseshell Gallery.

————————————————————————————-

The Park ART Walk wishes to thank its sponsors:

         
  The Nut Bar       LeTwiggery     Amoltrud’s Aesthetics

       Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations

 

FF
 Founding Families Financial Corporation
ASCCBAll Species Credit and Commercial Bank
  The Tabby Club
You’ve Earned Your Stripes™

OTD in 2016—Weekend shocker: Gossip site says Rapper’s father is also his brother

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Rapper Will.o.be.

Rapper Will.o.be.

The gossip site headsNtales says it has evidence that Rapper Will.o.be.’s father is also his brother.

In a post dated today, the site’s owners claim to be in possession of documents that prove it to be “an irrefutable fact” that the popular Park musician is the product of his mother’s liaison with her son, Philippe Sauvage.

Sauvage, who is the lead singer in the Feline band, The Feral Four, cut off contact with his brother three years ago, after the rapper was convicted of defacing a Tree at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

The gossip site claims that Will.o.be, whose original name was Sebastian, was one of six kittens born to his mother, Kiki, and Philippe Sauvage. The kittens were not all born at the same time, the site says, but all share the same two parents.

Will.o.be. is currently on tour, but his legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, released a statement on his behalf this morning, calling the claim “a ridiculous fabrication aimed at hurting Will.o.be. and his career.”

“Will.o.be. knows who his father is and it definitely is not his brother, Philippe Sauvage,” the statement said.

OTD in 2015—Fur flies at UWT journalism conference

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UWT COATThe fur was flying this past weekend as The University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism hosted the largest print media conference in Park history.

Virtually all print media organizations and associations were represented at the conference, which was jointly chaired by the Cuthbert School’s dean, Gertrude C. Owl, and journalism professor Ludwiga Saimiri, the former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ).

Attendees pinpointed a baker’s dozen of hot button issues, ranging from ensuring fair coverage, recognizing equality of species, maintaining journalistic integrity, and finding new tools for recruiting the young, to financial issues, opening up new revenue streams, and more. But most agreed that the number one issue at this year’s conference was transparency. And, in that respect, The Mammalian Daily came in for some heavy criticism, particularly from the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

Nathan R. DiPressa, Editor-in-Chief of The Reptile Register and the Association’s Executive Director, spoke at length about the need for Park newspapers to be transparent in their coverage and asserted that certain major outlets had failed miserably in that regard. As an example, he cited The Mammalian Daily, whose reporters have been working, as he called it, “undercover in plain sight.”

“The era of anonymous reporting is over,” DiPressa declared. “If you are hiding your journalists’ identities, you are hiding their biases, and you are not being forthright with your readers. We can smell your fear [of transparency] and it is turning us off reading your newspaper,” he declared.

Priscilla Weevil, Editor-in-Chief of The Serangga Star Adviser, not only agreed with DiPressa, but went further by issuing a challenge to The Mammalian Daily:

“We call on you to open up and start including the names of your reporters in your bylines by the beginning of 2016. We can think of no valid reason to obscure them.”

Although Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas was in attendance, she declined to comment on the accusations, nor has she given any indication that she will consider adding names to TMD bylines.

The conference wrapped up late Sunday night with a celebratory dinner at which both Owl and Saimiri spoke candidly about the practice of journalism in The Park.

“This has never been an easy profession and it is not an easy one now, but I know no journalist who would not say that the rewards far outweigh the challenges,” said Saimiri.

OTD in 2014—The more things change, the more Humans stay the same: Noreen

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Noreen

“Humans are unable to incorporate lessons from previous generations.” – Noreen

The more things change, the more Humans stay the same.

So concludes Noreen in her second academic article due to be published in the November issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

In the article, which is entitled, How Dubious Wisdom Leads to Human Folly, the Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and Mammalian Daily advice columnist shares new insights into “what makes the Human world go around.”

“Around is the key word here, my research showed me,” says Noreen.

“After spending the better part of two years studying Human history, I had to conclude that their [Humans’] tendency to end up where they started is the fault of their inability to learn from their predecessors. They cannot seem to incorporate lessons from previous generations,” she says.

“They are a tenacious species and there is much to be admired in that. But they appear to be true catalysts. They change the world, but they remain unchanged. And, as we have seen, that can lead to long-term problems for all species.”

Noreen said she found the research very difficult to do, “because there were so many places along the way that cried out for a change of course, but that change of course was never taken.”

 

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverBuy Noreen’s book, Lovely to Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans here.

OTD in 2012—New photographs of Jor surface on gossip web site

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Previously unpublished photographs of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, have surfaced on the gossip web site, headsNtales.

The pictures, which show Jor in some compromising positions, were posted on the site early this afternoon, according to PotWatcher, The Park’s foremost web-watching organization.

PotWatcher says the pictures appeared “without warning and without any mention of their provenance” on the headsNtales site.

“They were just…suddenly there,” said Rufus Gordon Gaupe, President and CEO of PotWatcher.

Posting the pictures is not technically illegal, though it is, in the words of a spokesAnimal for Park Police, “in poor taste”.

Many of the pictures were taken when George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert, known to Park citizens as “Jor”, was living as a domestic Cat.

“There are pictures of him with Humans, pictures of him playing with small toys and sleeping and eating with what appears to be another domestic Feline,” Gaupe says.

Political analysts have been quick to weigh in on who might be responsible for the posting.

“I think we can safely say that anti-zoocratic forces are at work here,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger. “It’s obvious this is meant to be a blow to Jor’s reputation…a way to discredit him and what he stood for, which is the concept of Animal self-rule.”

Despite requests for clarification from a number of Park newspapers, including The Mammalian Daily, headsNtales has refused to comment on the posting.

OTD in 2015—PMoCA offers sneak peek at its new exhibition, “Art of the Domestic Feline”

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The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) offered the public a sneak peek at its new exhibition, “Art of the Domestic Feline” today in the above slide show.

The museum will host a gala this evening. The exhibition will open tomorrow.

OTD in 2012—”INtegration through ART” theme of Park Art Walk 2012

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In a statement released today, the organizers of the annual Park Art Walk (PAW) announced a major change in the event’s focus.

“Thanks to funding from The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, in conjunction with a one-time gift from The Archons’ Initiative Fund, the 2012 Park Art Walk (PAW) will showcase art as it relates to the theme, INtegration through ART,” the statement read in part.

The new theme, which will be known as INtRT, will add a new dimension to the one-day, juried art exhibition, supporters say.

“For the past five years, PAW has done a wonderful job of showcasing the artistic expression of Park residents, but the art has had no defining thread. We believe that INtRT will give us a deeper understanding of ourselves and of our experiences…in life and in art,” said Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

At a press conference, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said the one-time gift from the Archons’ Initiative Fund was made “to encourage Animals to learn more about species other than their own, so that we can understand our differences and our similarities.”

INtRT’s emphasis will be on similarities rather than differences, according to Alouatta. “We are celebrating 30 years of Animal self-rule. It is a great achievement that could only have been brought about by some degree of integration. We want to celebrate that integration in the Park Art Walk,” he said.

The 6th annual Park ART Walk (PAW) will take place on Saturday, August 18, 2012 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, retail establishments, and at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. This year’s jury will include curators from the Tortoiseshell and Kipos Galleries.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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