The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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September on our minds

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The Park is a busy place in the Autumn, so The Mammalian Daily is giving you a heads-up on some of what’s in store for September 2021.

Ready, set, mark your calendars!

Official end of estivationEnd of EstivationMouse and balloons
It’s time to welcome back our friends and fellow Park residents!

Let the celebrations begin on September 14!

Beats in the Bar
Formerly known as the Open Mic, the now annual Beats in the Bar takes place this year at The Draft from September 2-10. Come out and play! Who knows—you may find yourself performing at the Beats of Burden Musical Festival!

The Beats of Burden Music FestivalBeats of Burden logo
The sixth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival promises three days and three nights of continuous music-making, with all our great bands and singers performing in aid of The Park’s refugees. Expect some surprises (as well as surprise appearances) along with the great sounds. And don’t forget the fabulous food and all sorts of other fun!
September 18-20.

Park ART Walk (PAW)
Now on a new day that allows our estivators to take part, the annual Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 12th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, September 25, 2021 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas.

The Park’s Semi-Annual “Shakeoff”
The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" have changedIt’s all about Animals helping Animals at The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff.” The event encourages Animals to donate their hair in aid of those whose coats can’t protect them from the harsh elements. In addition to helping others, you can also partake of free refreshments and get a new hairstyle from our on-site groomers (gratis, of course!). September 27
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”  

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Wednesday Rewind: Security breach at LynxedIN leaves hundreds vulnerable

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Original publication date: 26 July 2012

A security breach at the network run by the LynxLink charity has left hundreds of The Park’s immigrant and refugee Lynx and their families vulnerable to abduction, incarceration, and murder.

A spokesAnimal for the charity, which assists immigrants to The Park through its LynxedIN network, told The Mammalian Daily that the charity discovered the breach late last night.

“We became aware of a problem with our systems and immediately shut down our network.  IT experts from the University of West Terrier arrived within an hour to help us,” she said.

Unfortunately, the IT help came too late for The Park’s Lynx. Experts discovered that the identities of hundreds of Lynx were stolen from the charity’s systems.

“It’s a worry, to be sure,” says LynxLink spokesAnimal Lucia Castilla. “Some very sensitive information has been stolen from our database, including the names and addresses of Lynx who have escaped from zoological parks and so-called ‘nature reserves’. The Humans who run these are very aggressive; they’ve been looking for these Lynx and they will stop at nothing to find them. Unfortunately, this has made it easier for them to do so.”

LynxLink confirmed that it has advised all Park Lynx of the problem and the charity has assured them that it will assist them in all ways possible to maintain their security within The Park.

“The safety of The Park’s Lynx is of paramount importance to everyone,” says a message on LynxLink’s web site this morning.

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Look what’s coming up in April

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April will shower you with special events, so mark these dates on your calendar!

April 8-10: The Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual “Broopee Days”
Are you a Broopee? We’re all Broopees during the Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual Broopee Days! Try the super-specials in April and don’t forget to enter the instant win contests!

April 15: Footpad Heaven Clearance Sale
Don’t be a slave to style! Even though it may be last year’s stock, Footpad Heaven’s Toepads, Footpads and other clearance accoutrement are brand new. Indulge yourself at half the price!

April 11-12: Spring Shoots Mini Feral Roots Festival
Let celebrity chef Tab Tricolore be your host at this new Spring event! Enjoy fresh bulbs, shoots, and other feral delicacies fresh from the ground at grassRoutes. 

 

April 20: Happy 5th Birthday, KwikLiks!
There’s gonna be a party! Come celebrate #5 with proprietress Maitea Behi and her team! There’ll be free flash grooming, music, prizes, and lots of treats for the whole family!

 

April 26-27: University of West Terrier Update: Results from the first two phases of the Paper Bag Project
In 2017, Dr. Luule Aednik and his team of researchers from the Department of Psychology‘s Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division began a formal investigation into Human intelligence and behaviour. Data from the first two phases of study will be presented in this two-day update.

Migrating Home
For the whole month of April and beyond, we’ll be celebrating the return of our Avian population. Keep your eyes and ears open for special events at The Literary Apothecary, LeTwiggery, The Pluming Room, and more.

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Look what’s coming up in March!

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There’s always a lot going on in The Park come Springtime and the action starts in March. Mark these Park events on your calendar so you don’t miss a thing!

March 1-31: The Park Museum celebrates its fifth birthday
Come and celebrate the fifth anniversary of the opening of The Park Museum!

Stop by for treats or spend the whole day at the museum. There’s plenty to see and do and eat and drink and it’s all free of charge.

Can’t make it during the day? No problem! Reserve your place at one or all of the birthday concerts on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, starting at eight o’clock. Post-concert parties begin at ten o’clock. See you there!

March 1-31: Museum Month
In 2015, the Archons proclaimed March to be Museum Month in The Park. That means that all Park museums and galleries offer free admission throughout the month. Take advantage of this great opportunity to learn about our history and appreciate our rich culture by visiting The Park Museum, The Park Museum of Contemporary Art, The Ewe and Moo Gallery, The Tortoiseshell Gallery, The Kipos Gallery, The Knochen Kunst Gallery, Fusion Ceramics Studio, The Park Museum of Contemporary Art, the art gallery at the University of West Terrier, and the small museum at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life.

Otter Slide participant
March 13: Closing date for the Otter Ice Slide
Yes, we’re all looking forward to Spring, but some of us just can’t shake that Winter feeling. If that describes you, get over to the Otter Ice Slide while the weather still permits. There’s no feeling like it, but that feeling won’t last past March 13.

March 16-18: UWT hosts three-day symposium on on Human Error
For the first time in its history, the University of West Terrier will host an academic event that focuses on Humans and Human behaviour. The multi-dimensional symposium will bring together researchers from all UWT schools and departments to discuss the aspects of Human behaviour that lead to error. Among the topics to be discussed are the effects on other Animals of Human Error (HE), how to determine when a problem has been caused by Human Error, how to mitigate the effects of Human Error in order to prevent disaster, and the rôle of technology in predicting and preventing Human Error. The symposium will include a discussion open to the public on March 19.

Noreen, adjunct professor of Human Studies, will chair the symposium.

March 24: Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic
The Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic is one of our most beloved seasonal and artistic events. Now in its twenty-fifth year, the Picnic has expanded to include haiku and rap, but the format of the day remains the same. Don’t forget to check the weather forecast so you know how to dress to avoid either frozen nose syndrome or soggy bottom.

The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" will now be called "The Shakeoff"March 29: The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff”
Formerly the “Shake for Charity,” this semi-annual event aids those who have no coat. The Shakeoff also offers free grooming and refreshments to participants.
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”

March 30: Tulip season
Yes, it’s that time of year already. Tap your apps to find the latest emerging bulbs. If you need any technical help, our resident experts at The Mammalian Daily will be on hand to aid you in locating your favourite Springtime snack.

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Mark your calendars for these very important February 2020 Park events

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IF you thought January was a busy month, you’ll have to fasten your seatbelt for February! It’s a busy and emotional time in The Park and this year will be no exception. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

 

February 1: Get up! Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day!
Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until after the weekend, with all the partying you’re going to do! And make sure you look your best, at least at the start of the celebration, by booking some time at any of The Park’s finest grooming houses.

 

February 2: Groundhog Day
This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear 2020 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) Ermentrude Mayella Murmeltier tell us what the weather has in store for us and then we’ll hear from the new Archons about what our government has in store for us! Festivities start at 7:00 a.m. and go on forever and ever, with the food stations open a full twenty-four hours (8:00 a.m. on February 2 until 8:00 a.m. on February 3). Click on the schedule to the right for a full view.

And don’t forget the Early Risers’ after-party and the after-after parties after that!

February 2-9: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales
Whether or not our 2020 POPS, Ermentrude Murmeltier, predicts an early Spring, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1, as well as all day on Groundhog Day, too!

 

3d-tabby-king-croppedFebruary 14: Anniversary of the birth of Jor
He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.

 

Hieronymous Hedgehog February 19: Official End of Hibernation
Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.

Keeper of the NutFebruary 20: Return of the Nut
This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year, it will be 2020 Keeper of the Nut Maaaike Abagael Lemming, who will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!

Have a great February, everybody!

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Names of 2020 Archons announced

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The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2020 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2020
Bustard, Aristokles Euphranor   (Chief Archon)
Boophis Ankarafensis, Edmé Manouelle (Deputy Chief Archon)

Alligator, Humphrey Bartholomew; Black Rhinoceros, Adjoa Mudiwa; Bumblebee Bat, Myitzu Hayma; Chameleon, Fiona Miary; Chub, Ewald Felix; Cricket, Rupert Stanley; Crocodile Lizard, Mai Phuong; Eekhoorn, Kasper Meine; Flowerpecker, Kavya Aaradhya; Gharial, Deenath Rohan; Hoverfly, Eudora Jane; Hydra, Zachary Theodore; Jellyfish, Croia Adele; Kestrel, Iseabail; Kokopu, Manaaki Ihaia; Mary River Turtle, Lucas Henry; Panda, Baozhai Lanfen; Pangolin, Abioye Emeka; Peacock, Reyansh Arav; Pink Velvet Worm, Florence Eustasia; Pupfish, Mateo Jorge; Salamander, Berenice Agape; Saola, Shirley Marguerite; Shrew, Timothy Barnard; Snail, W. George Oliver; Squatina, Angela Martina; Squid, Anakoni Lono; Suckermouth, Rosamie Jasmine; Toad, Amelia Freya; Turtle, Angus Cameron; Wallace’s Flying Frog, Hilmi Ashraf; White-Bellied Frog, Liam Maxwell; Wren, Francisca Adriana.

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Mark your calendars for these important January 2020 events

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January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January 5: “The Nature of Zoocracy/The Zoocracy of Nature.”
 This one-day symposium on the subject of zoocracy and nature will be hosted by the University of West Terrier’s departments of history, political philosophy, and psychology. Faculty members and other experts in those fields will discuss the reciprocal relationship between natural behaviour and zoocracy. Keynote speakers: Magnus Marmoset, holder of the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy and BirdBrains directors Gwendolyn Goose and Henry Gander, authors of “Zoocracy After Thirty-Five: A New Avian Era.” Location: University of West Terrier.

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic
Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2020 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For only the third time since its opening in August 2012, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome Park residents from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, including the newest treatment options. Refreshments will be served.

January 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-first. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

Until March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

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Hermione Hippo: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animal of the Year

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BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen head nurse Hermione Hippo as its 2019 Animal of the Year.

TMD managing editor Orphea Haas made the announcement at a press conference at noon today.

“For her work with patients suffering from Small Ball Fever to Tulip-Related Illness, her passionate advocacy of proper nutrition and her study of nutrition’s rôle in emotional and mental health, and for her genuine concern for the welfare of Park Animals, The Mammalian Daily has chosen head nurse Hermione Hippo as its 2019 Animal of The Year,” Haas said.

Haas also praised Hippo for inspiring new generations to enter the healing professions and to take up the cause of good nutrition and balance in life.

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of Hermione Hippo and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2020.

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Look what’s coming up in October!

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The Park really heats up in the Autumn, with celebrations, migrations, and hibernation preparation. Mark your calendars so you don’t miss a thing! Here’s just a taste of what’s in store for October 2019.

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again! Time to screen some great films by Park Animals. PIFFPockets and Noon Nuttiness films are back, as are the parties, the after-parties, and the after-after parties! Not to mention the inevitable claw-biting before the awarding of the Golden Cougar. Again this year, the festival has paired with celebrity chef Tab Tricolore to bring you “PIFF Experience Packages,”, so you can pair the great food at his restaurants with the PIFF 2019 films!
October 1-5

Park Harvest Festival
Let’s celebrate! Our cultivators and growers have been working hard since the Spring, and now they share their bounty with us! With loads of great food to eat and lots of music and entertainment for all ages, it’s bound to be a memorable celebration.
October 11

Annual Snowbird Farewell
It’s always bittersweet to say goodbye to our migrating friends and wish them well on their journey. But let’s enjoy this one last party before takeoff! See you in the Spring, migrators!
October 19

 

Annual Account of the State of The Park
It all comes down to this: how are we getting along? Economically? Socially? What is the state of interspecial harmony? Are we there yet? We’ll know for sure on October 27.

POPS go the candidates:
This month, candidates will begin to pop up to vie for one of The Park’s few elected positions—Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. It’s your chance to prove you’re “fit to predict,” so go for it. November 5 is the last day to have your name officially entered as a candidate. Remember: Groundhog Day is only four months away!

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What’s up in May is bound to be merry!

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Spring is busting out all over, so there’s plenty to look forward to in The Park in May. Put these events on your calendar:

May 1-31: Park Media’s Month Without Metaphor
If you care about language and the way media use it, follow Month Without Metaphor. Now, in its sixth year and under the direction of The Serangga Star Adviser’s Priscilla Weevil, the month-long check on media has expanded to include spotlighting our own use—and misuse—of language and the effects thereof. Keep up with MWM every day here on Twitter or grab a KartalTech VerifyzerMHM™ and start your own search for metaphor, hypberole, and manipulation.

May 1: Toe-Hair Contest
We’ve been waiting all Winter and now we finally get to see who grew the longest and thickest toe-hairs. Have fun, argue about the outcome, and get inspired for next year!

May 5: Annual Park Mating Dance
It’s the most important mating event in The Park and the ongoing partnership with gewper, the only scented social networking site, will make finding your perfect mate simpler and quicker! Registration opens on May 2.

May 20: Anixi Agrarian Jubilee
Come celebrate Spring in The Park, and the cultivators, planters, growers, and farmers who produce our Summer and Autumn bounty!

May 30: Otter Mud Slide Opens
It’s that time of year again! Slip and slide your way to fun in The Park. There’s no doubt: you “otter” do it!

May 31: The Fowl Ball
The most important event in The Park’s Spring social season, this charity gala raises funds to aid The Park’s Avian Community. It’s also a great opportunity for Park Animals to show off their new coats and Spring finery. Be sure to make your grooming appointment early!

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