The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2014—Noreen confirms upcoming appearance at book fair for Humans

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Official Noreen

Noreen will appear at a book fair aimed at the Human market

BREAKING NEWS

It’s official: Noreen will be appearing this Autumn at a book fair aimed at the Human market.

After weeks of rumour and speculation, Noreen has confirmed that she will be participating in a book-signing event at the Toronto International Book Fair.

In a press statement released this morning, the long-time Mammalian Daily advice columnist and Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier acknowledged the controversy surrounding her decision.

“This decision was not taken lightly, but after much thought and reflection. It is my considered opinion that sharing my views with other species, which in this case means the species that is the subject of my book, can only lead to better understanding,” she said.

Noreen, who will be one of many hundreds of exhibitors at the fair, will be promoting and signing her first book, entitled “Lovely to Look At: Twenty Things You Should Know About Humans.”

The book will be released early this Summer by The Park’s Marcellin de la Griffe Publishers, S.A. and is expected to be a strong contender for the non-fiction prize at June’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

The Toronto International Book Fair will take place November 13-16, 2014.

OTD in 2014—Mammalian Daily signs on to media’s “Month Without Metaphor”

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Month Without Metaphor

It’s a bold idea that is sure to make waves. And, this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that The Mammalian Daily is coming on board.

“That is music to our ears,” said Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of The Park’s “Month Without Metaphor.”

The media-wide initiative, which is set to run for the entire month of May, promises to shake up what many regard as a moribund industry. And as of yesterday, almost ninety percent of The Park’s newspapers and magazines had agreed to participate in Tinamou’s “Grand Resuscitation.” The Mammalian Daily is the largest and latest to do so.

“We’re thrilled about it,” said Tinamou in an interview this afternoon. “The Mammalian Daily is such an influential paper in The Park and their participation gives us another quiver in our arsenal.”

The idea of the initiative, Tinamou says, is to “tell it like it really is…no embellishments, no idiotic comparisons, no ridiculous painting of pictures for the reading public. Just the facts. We think they’re enough. And not only do we think the facts are enough, we think all this metaphorical reporting is obscuring those facts and distracting our readers’ attention from the important issues. What we need is clarity, particularly during these challenging times, and we very much look forward to seeing how our readers react to being offered a month of just plain facts.”

The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor” will run from May 1-31, 2014.

OTD in 2010—Association pulls Cynics’ song from airwaves

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The Association of Park Radio Stations (APRS) has pulled one of the Cynics’ most controversial songs from the airwaves of its member stations.

The APRS, whose members include CLucK Radio, Marine Mammal Radio, Reptile Radio, Radio Drone, bRraydio 4, and Chitter, issued a memorandum early this morning, ordering the stations to cease play of The Cynics’ song, “Mothers don’t let your puppies grow up to serve Humans.”

The song, which was originally recorded as “Bitches, don’t let your puppies grow up to serve Humans,” formed part of the group’s debut collection, Eat Your Food. First released in 24 AZ, the collection was re-released in digital form in January of this year. Since then, it has set sales records in The Park, beating out Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed, by the popular group, Thisbe and the Barkettes. The song has been controversial for years, but has garnered significantly more interest in the last few months.

At a press conference held following an ad hoc meeting at the offices of the Canine Music Association, CMA president, R.F. Aarrf, expressed dismay at the APRS decision.

“This [directive] is censorship, plain and simple,” he said. “And there is no room or reason for this kind of censorship in The Park.”

Aarf went on to challenge the APRS to a public debate on the song, in particular, and on censorship, in general.

“We want to receive a clear statement of what our radio stations believe to be sounds that are acceptable for the delicate ears of Park citizens,” he said.

In a terse reply, the APRS stated that songs it deems to “incite hatred or violence among Animals” will continue to be monitored and/or pulled from the airwaves of member stations.

“Our mandate is to bring to the attention of Park citizens music and lyrics that are born of Park talent. This mandate does not extend to censorhip, per se, but it does include a responsibility to all Park Animals to protect them from music that incites hatred and/or violence or that could, in some way, threaten our peaceful co-existence in The Park. Despite protests from some quarters, we have no intention of shirking this responsibility,” the statement read.

The Cynics, meanwhile, have remained mum about the controversy. But, in a note on their web site, posted 23 January, the group acknowledges that it has lent its support in the past to an unnamed anti-Human group in The Park. The musical group claims to have decided, however, to “leave politics to the politicians” and to expend “100% of its energy” on music.

OTD in 2016—Yannis Tavros threatens to reveal names of Mammalian Daily reporters

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YannisTavros BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has its lawyers poised to file a cease and desist order if Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros makes good on his promise to reveal the names of all of the newspaper’s journalists.

In a tweet this morning, Tavros said he planned to reveal the name of one journalist per day until he has named them all:

Tavros tweet

In an earlier tweet, the talk show host asked his followers if they agreed that it was time for the newspaper to reveal the names and species of its reporters. Tavros also claimed last week on his radio show that ninety per cent of Park Animals think it’s time for the paper to make the move toward transparency. He claimed the figure of ninety per cent came from a poll that he commissioned in February, just after Groundhog Day.

“The Animals of this Park have spoken and The Mammalian Daily should listen,” Tavros said in closing his show last Thursday.

In a statement issued an hour after the tweet was posted, TMD Managing Editor Orphea Haas said she would not be bullied into changing the paper’s longstanding policy of anonymous reporting.

“The Mammalian Daily will not bow to pressure from outsiders, particularly those who demonstrate a profound lack of journalistic integrity. When and if our editorial team decides to change our longstanding policy of anonymous reporting, it will be as a result of deep thought, full discussion, and conviction, It will not be the result of bullying,” the statement said.

Tavros has thus far not responded to Haas’s statement, nor has he indicated when he intends to begin naming the reporters.

OTD in 2016—Gunnar Rotte, Douglas Cheetah to debate tomorrow on Yannis Tavros show

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YannisTavros Two days before The Park celebrates the Return of the Nut, Gunnar Rotte and Douglas Cheetah will face off against each other on the Yannis Tavros show in a debate on the merits of sortition.

In a press release issued this morning, Toro Talk Radio, Tavros’s home station, confirmed the debate, which will be broadcast live an hour after his usual call-in show.

In an advertisement that ran in both social and traditional media, the radio station invited listeners to have their say “ahead of time and ahead of the pack,” by calling into the Tavros show tomorrow.

The debate is sure to be a heated one. Rotte will argue for maintaining sortition, the lottery that selects The Park’s government every year. Cheetah, the renowned director and vocal critic of sortition who joined the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) last year, will argue not only for the abolition of sortition, but for the establishment of free elections in The Park.

OTD in 2013—Archon’s nephew blasted over Groundhog Day remarks

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The nephew of a former Archon is being criticized for remarks he made this month in an interview during The Mammalian Daily’s live coverage of The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who has been described as one of The Park’s great citizens, had been out of hibernation for only three hours when he consented to an interview with Mammalian Daily reporters. When asked his impression of the festivities, the Hedgehog was openly critical of some aspects of the celebrations, including the Park Historical Society’s film tribute to zoocracy.

“I don’t know about this movie…That sounds a touch…Human,” he said. He went on to express a number of other controversial opinions, including his belief that Humans’ interest in The Park is restricted to “our natural resources, our wealth,” and that running The Park is a job that even its resident Animals were hesitant to do.

“Nobody wants to take over The Park,” he said. “Look how long it took us to accept the responsibility.”

These last remarks were quoted yesterday by Yannis Tavros in the opening essay of his popular talk show on Toro Talk Radio.

“It seems as though even the nephew of an Archon can be anti-Animal at heart,” Tavros began. He continued his tirade against the Hedgehog, accusing him of being “openly un-zoocratic, given to delusions of grandeur, and a phony” before he ended by calling the Hedgehog “part of a family that isn’t even smart enough to know when to come out of hibernation.”

This last remark was denounced as being “over the top” and “gratuitously cruel” by a spokesAnimal for The Park’s hibernating communities. Hieronymous Hedgehog’s uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, died as a result of premature awakening from hibernation on February 3, 2008. Deaths from premature awakening have risen substantially over the past few years. Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog served as Archon in 1998.

For his part, Hieronymous Hedgehog has not had a chance to respond to Tavros’s tirade. He returned to his burrow late on Groundhog Day and is not expected to surface until February 19, the official end of the hibernation period. In his absence, though, his friends and compatriots have taken up his cause, calling for Tavros’s resignation and threatening to boycott not only his show, but his radio station.

OTD in 2017—Tavros scores interview coup with zoocracy founder’s biographer

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3d-tabby-king-1Yannis Tavros has scored a major media coup by booking an exclusive, pre-publication interview with the author of a new biography of The Park’s first leader.

Yoshita Tigru will join Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show on Friday, February 10, to discuss her book, George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert: The Tabby King. Four days later, The Park will celebrate the anniversary of Jor’s birth.

In the new biography, which is bound to spark controversy when it hits the shelves on February 15, Tigru claims that The Park’s revered first leader considered establishing a form of monarchy before he fixed on the idea of  zoocracy, or complete Animal self-rule.

Tigru, who was allowed full access to all the extant papers of George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert (Jor), including the entirety of his sister’s diary, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, cites his sister as a “major force” behind both his political aspirations and his political decisions.

“There is no doubt that her rôle went far beyond that of a sounding board or even an advisor,” Tigru has said in the past.

This view aligns with that of another of Jor’s biographers, Daphne D.S. Katze, whose 2014 book, Jor: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Cat, claims that it was Jor’s sister who turned his attention away from “simple Feline pleasures” to the idea of promoting harmony among the species in The Park.

Katze, who had only limited access to Zoë’s historical tome, has said recently that she was envious of Tigru’s unfettered access, but would “absolutely” trust her interpretation of what she read.

Free tickets to Tigru’s February 26 book launch are available at The Literary Apothecary. The launch will begin with a short reading at two o’clock, followed by a Q&A session and paw printing.

OTD in 2011—TMD reporters to blog live from Groundhog Day celebrations

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In a statement released today, The Mammalian Daily confirmed that it will be sending some of its reporters to blog live from The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations on 2 February.

“The Mammalian Daily is seeking to amplify the amount of fun for Park residents at the annual Groundhog Day Festival by hosting a live blog to report on events as they happen in different areas of The Park. This should allow our residents to enjoy virtually everything the Festival has to offer this year,” part of the statement read.

This is the second year that the newspaper has committed a part of its staff to reporting live from the annual celebration.

OTD in 2014—Tavros to host third annual “Pundits’ Parlour” on Monday

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YannisTavros


Yannis Tavros will host another “Pundits’ Parlour” on Toro Talk Radio this Monday

For the third year in a row, Yannis Tavros will host Toro Talk Radio’s “Pundits’ Parlour” on Monday, February 3.

Manfred Stier, spokesAnimal for the radio station’s programming director, confirmed today that The Park’s best known political pundits will again have the chance to express their views on our incoming government on Tavros’s popular show.

“Yannis [Tavros] will once again relinquish his usual talk show format to moderate what has become a very popular annual forum,” Stier said.

This year’s guests include Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier, historian and author Pieter Paard, Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, UWT Law Professor Fionnula L. Fox, Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces, UWT Professor of History Beatrice Zilonis, and Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Other participants include Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register, Camlin “Cayuga” Newt of The Salamander Evening Post, and Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct Professor of Human Studies.

OTD in 2015—Gunnar Rotte to break silence this week on Yannis Tavros’s radio show

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YannisTavros After almost two months of relentless criticism, scrutiny, and defamation, Gunnar Rotte will break his silence in an interview this week with radio host Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio.

The Rodent Commoner reporter confirmed through his representative this morning that he has accepted an invitation from Tavros to “tell his story” in a live interview.

“After a period of serious consideration, Gunnar Rotte felt it was time for him to speak for himself and, perhaps, change some minds about the reality of Animal life in The Park. Rotte feels very strongly that he has been misrepresented and he would like to set the record straight on a number of things,” the representative’s statement says.

The interview has not yet been scheduled, but media and advertising experts say it will prove a windfall for the station.

“It’s a big get and I don’t know how he got it, but kudos to him,” said J.J. Chanticleer, manager of CLucK Radio.

Although seen as controversial and extremely hot-headed, Tavros has offered his show as a forum on a number of occasions to allow others to tell their story, starting with The Cynics in April of 2010.

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