The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2012—Dear Noreen: Can Humans make Animals sick?

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I don’t know if this lies within your area of expertise, but I have been wondering: can Humans make Animals sick?

For almost a year, I have been participating in The Park’s Adopt-A-Human project, which I feel is a worthwhile activity. Over the last few weeks, however, I have begun to feel lethargic, I am sometimes feverish, and I have experienced a generalized feeling of unwellness.

My friends tell me that I should see Dr. Bourru and some have even suggested that it is my adopted Human who has made me sick! I don’t know what to think. Can you help me?
— CONCERNED

DEAR CONCERNED: Not to make light of your question, which is of legitimate concern, but there are those among us who think, quite frankly, that Humans are making us all sick! Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly, of course, knows what my opinion is of Humans: they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one!

Setting all that aside, however, my medical experts tell me that Humans can, indeed, infect Animals with a number of diseases that, in the past, they kept to themselves. These days, though, with the mixing of species (not a bad thing, mind), it is not unheard of for Animals to catch things from Humans.

If I were you, I’d take myself off to Dr. Bourru posthaste and let him make the final diagnosis. Whatever disease your Human companion may have given you, it is highly treatable, they tell me, and it will not affect you permanently — which is more than I can say for Human opinions. Buona fortuna!

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

OTD in 2017—Dear Noreen: Why must I sit for my supper?

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I am a two year-old Canine (of unknown origin, they tell me) who was recently adopted by two Humans. Before my adoption, I lived in a special shelter, where I was fed, walked, and cared for by a number of loving Humans. I thought that after I was adopted my basic routine would be the same, but it hasn’t turned out that way.

I know it’s different living in a Human home and I’ve done my best to abide by their rules since I arrived here. I do want to please them because they are good to me, but there are things they require me to do that I just don’t understand. The main one is they demand that I sit before they serve me my meals or give me treats.

What is the significance of sitting, Noreen? I don’t understand and I was hoping you could enlighten me. Can you?—SITTING IN THE DARK

DEAR SITTING IN THE DARK: Ah, Humans. As I always say, they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one. And you’ve explained in an eloquent and succinct fashion one of the main reasons.

It so happens that “sit” is quite an ancient command, and I emphasize here the word, “command.” It has its origins in two aspects of the Human psyche about which I’ve spoken on a number of occasions in different contexts. These aspects are, of course, the insatiable Human desire to hold sway over all others (also known as the desire for power) and the desire to keep their house in order (both figuratively and literally).

For the purposes of answering your question, I will speak about only the first of these aspects. Quite simply, the Human desire for power overrides all other desires and I would say they’re quite incapable of containing it. I talk about this at greater length in my book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, but here, I must defer to my University of West Terrier colleague, Horus Aaqil Saluki, whose work on the subject is considered groundbreaking. He and I have been hard at work co-authoring a book, Humans and the Pyramid of Power, which speaks to the very problem you’ve raised: the unnecessary wielding of same over others.

You see, my dear, as Horus first observed, Humans work very hard not only to hold sway over others, but to make them show their deference. And that is where your “sit” command comes in.

As you well know, there is nothing about sitting that enables you to eat or digest better. Following your Humans’ command, then, is not at all for your benefit, but for theirs. By agreeing to perform this small gesture, you assure them that they have the ultimate say—the last word, as it were—in your behaviour. Your Humans want to be reassured (and on a constant basis, no less) that you acknowledge them as “the boss.” When you’ve proven that you do, they’re more than happy to oblige you in many ways.

Now, since you haven’t asked me whether or not you should comply, I won’t go down that road with you here. Suffice it to say, research has shown that the more you obey Humans, the happier they are and, ultimately, the happier you will be. It’s a bit trickle-down, as my learned colleague has been known to say. By no means do I advocate blind obedience, but if, as with sitting, it does you no harm, you might find that obeying your Humans is the most expedient way of finding peace and happiness in your life with them. Ultimately, it is your decision and not an easy one to make. I wish you all the best, no matter what you choose.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

OTD in 2015—Dear Noreen: Humans taketh away and Humans giveth

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I am a two year-old Canine living with a family of Humans. One of my dearest companions is a six year-old who lives in a house down the street.

One day, when we were playing, he confided to me that he was a “rescue.” I confessed that I didn’t know what a “rescue” was and he explained that he had been physically and emotionally abused by another group of Humans and had been removed from their home. He said he spent almost a year in some short of shelter until his present family adopted him. He says he is very happy now.

I, on the other hand, am now quite troubled. I never spent much time thinking about Humans, but I guess I thought they were nice. Now, I’m not so sure. Why would they do such a thing to my friend? Is this regular Human behaviour? Would others do the same thing? Am I in danger? I have so many questions and I don’t know who to ask. Please help me.—SCARED AND FEELING ALONE

DEAR SCARED AND FEELING ALONE: Ah, the horrors of losing one’s innocence. I feel your pain and confusion. Perhaps I can help you understand a bit more, by tackling your questions one by one. But be warned: you will never be able to understand fully because the truth is that it’s not fully understandable.

Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly, of course, knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at…but I wouldn’t want to live with them.

Yet, many Canines do live with them and enjoy it immensely. And others suffer from it as your friend did.

We can only come to terms with what happened to your friend by understanding this first: although they exhibit a pack mentality, Humans are individuals and, as such, they act on their own much of the time. Some of these rogue Humans do despicable things but, be assured of this: these acts are not acceptable to the majority of the Human pack. Evolution has worked wonders on Humans in that way, at least.

You ask, “Is this regular Human behaviour?” And the answer is no, it’s not. Although it’s not uncommon, it’s not statistically normal for Humans to abuse Animals who live with them.

Why would they do such a thing, though? Human motivation is puzzling even to those who have been studying it for years. But, I would suggest that often the problem is rooted in their own insecurity about their place in the world, compounded by jealousy of the abilities of other species. At the individual level, many Humans simply pick on those they see as less powerful or more vulnerable because it makes them feel more powerful and less vulnerable.

Are you in danger? No one knows that for sure, but from what you say about your own home situation, it doesn’t seem as though you are. It’s always best to keep your eyes open, though, because Human behaviour can change in an instant. If you notice your Humans becoming more irritable or blaming you for things, or if they become more violent in any way, I would suggest you call the Assaulted Animals Helpline (1-899-27728583) immediately.

I regret that, in this space, I can only offer the beginning of an explanation of this very serious situation. I would, however, like to share with you this ironic twist that gives us all hope: in the vast majority of cases, Animals who have been abused by Humans are saved by other Humans.

Humans taketh away and Humans giveth.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

OTD in 2015—Dear Noreen: Humans need an answer? There’s a stat for that!

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I’ve been living with a family of Humans for three years and for the most part I’ve been happy with them. But there’s something about them I don’t understand.

It has to do with numbers. My Humans are always talking in numbers, quoting this or that percentage and the like. The thing is, I’ve checked some of their numbers and a lot of them are just plain wrong. And some of them are irrelevant, as far as I can see. I don’t understand why they think numbers are the answer to every question they have.

Can you help me understand this?—ONE HUNDRED PER CENT PERPLEXED

DEAR ONE HUNDRED PER CENT PERPLEXED: Ah, Humans. You’ve gotta love ’em…or, at least, you’ve gotta love eighty per cent of ’em, ninety per cent of the time, with a margin of error seven times out of twenty!

Or, as I usually say, they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one!

But you do, so I will try to answer your question as simply as I can, even though, in truth, the answer is both simple and complex (much as Humans are, themselves).

The numbers you’re asking about are known as “statistics.” And if I were allowed only one word to explain Humans’ obsession with them, it would be the word, “control.” I talk about this at greater length in my book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, but I am happy to give you a quick overview here.

You may not be familiar with this aspect of the Human psyche (as many Domestic Canines are not), but one of the driving forces of Human behaviour is the desire for control. And it is often in pursuit of said control that your Humans use these statistics.

But, how does this all work, you ask? Let me give you an example. Say, for instance, your Humans dearly want something to happen but they are afraid that it won’t happen. Instead of living with the uncertainty and waiting for the future to unfold, they turn to their numbers to comfort them. If the numbers say that it hasn’t been successfully done before, then they don’t, as they say, “get their hopes up.” But if the numbers tell them that it is likely to happen, then they allow themselves to hope. For a good example of this particular use of statistics, I refer you to coverage of Human sports events, particularly baseball.

Now, the question is, do these numbers change the outcome? Of course not! And, as you’ve said, the numbers are frequently wrong. Nevertheless, it comforts Humans to believe that they can make accurate predictions and the numbers give them the sense that they have some control.

I feel for you, having to listen to this sort of drivel on a constant basis. My advice to you, since you live with Humans, would be to tune out when they start to talk in numbers. You won’t be missing anything, I can assure you. After all, a good percentage of what they say in words is best ignored, as well.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

OTD in 2012—Dear Noreen: My Humans look at other Dogs. What should I do?

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I live with the two Humans who adopted me a few years ago. Our life together is good, but one thing about their behaviour really bothers me. They can’t seem to stay away from other Dogs. Whenever we’re outside and they see another Dog, they make these embarrassing “ ooohing” and “aaahing” sounds. They’ve even been known to cross the street just to get a better look at another Dog! Are other Dogs a threat to my happy home? What should I do?-INSECURE

DEAR INSECURE: Ah, the joys of Human companionship! Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at it, but I wouldn’t want to live with one. But, cheer up! There is hope on the horizon.

While their behaviour is a mystery to other Animals, there is one thing that almost all of us agree on: loyalty is not a trait that we associate with the Human species.

So, it should come as no surprise that Humans might spend time looking at other Dogs — even going so far as to offer them food or affection — without any sense that this might be upsetting to their own Dog. This occurs indoors as well as on the street, I might add, and generally does nothing for the Human-Canine bond at home.

Still, what makes up for Humans’ lack of loyalty is a trait known colloquially as “generosity” and it is likely this trait that will save you from an unpleasant outcome in these circumstances. And that is because, should your Humans fall for another Dog, research shows they are 182 times more likely to add that Dog to your household than to replace you with this new one. So, rather than being a threat to your happiness, other Dogs may actually end up increasing it.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

OTD in 2012—Dear Noreen: Is it wise for Animals to adopt Humans?

By

DEAR NOREEN: A friend of mine has recently befriended a Human and they are now thinking about a permanent arrangement. Do you think it is wise for an Animal to adopt a Human? – PONDERING

DEAR PONDERING: Such adoptions are much in vogue, so I think it’s time we had an open discussion of these arrangements.

First, though, let me say this: anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one.

Aside from that, I am very much in favour of so-called blended families, by which I mean a mix of species and breeds living and breathing (but not breeding) under one roof or in one burrow. It’s definitely the wave of the future, regardless, since so many these days are born but not wanted, not to mention the many more who are wanted, but not born. So, all things being equal (or as lopsided as a Rabbit’s ears), these two needs should match up rather nicely to form a few harmonious families.

You do have to be careful, though, when adopting Humans, since living with them is unnatural, as are many of their habits. They are also painfully slow to develop (indeed, many of them never truly mature). Yet – and, don’t forget this – their lifespan far exceeds that of many of us, a fact that creates its own set of problems.

Remember, too, that Humans can be difficult to train, prone as they are to that eponymous condition known affectionately by them as “Human error.” Still, I would advise your friend to give it a try. No happiness was ever won by avoiding risk.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

Dear Noreen: Why must I sit for my supper?

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I am a two year-old Canine (of unknown origin, they tell me) who was recently adopted by two Humans. Before my adoption, I lived in a special shelter, where I was fed, walked, and cared for by a number of loving Humans. I thought that after I was adopted my basic routine would be the same, but it hasn’t turned out that way.

I know it’s different living in a Human home and I’ve done my best to abide by their rules since I arrived here. I do want to please them because they are good to me, but there are things they require me to do that I just don’t understand. The main one is they demand that I sit before they serve me my meals or give me treats.

What is the significance of sitting, Noreen? I don’t understand and I was hoping you could enlighten me. Can you?—SITTING IN THE DARK

DEAR SITTING IN THE DARK: Ah, Humans. As I always say, they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one. And you’ve explained in an eloquent and succinct fashion one of the main reasons.

It so happens that “sit” is quite an ancient command, and I emphasize here the word, “command.” It has its origins in two aspects of the Human psyche about which I’ve spoken on a number of occasions in different contexts. These aspects are, of course, the insatiable Human desire to hold sway over all others (also known as the desire for power) and the desire to keep their house in order (both figuratively and literally).

For the purposes of answering your question, I will speak about only the first of these aspects. Quite simply, the Human desire for power overrides all other desires and I would say they’re quite incapable of containing it. I talk about this at greater length in my book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, but here, I must defer to my University of West Terrier colleague, Horus Aaqil Saluki, whose work on the subject is considered groundbreaking. He and I have been hard at work co-authoring a book, Humans and the Pyramid of Power, which speaks to the very problem you’ve raised: the unnecessary wielding of same over others.

You see, my dear, as Horus first observed, Humans work very hard not only to hold sway over others, but to make them show their deference. And that is where your “sit” command comes in.

As you well know, there is nothing about sitting that enables you to eat or digest better. Following your Humans’ command, then, is not at all for your benefit, but for theirs. By agreeing to perform this small gesture, you assure them that they have the ultimate say—the last word, as it were—in your behaviour. Your Humans want to be reassured (and on a constant basis, no less) that you acknowledge them as “the boss.” When you’ve proven that you do, they’re more than happy to oblige you in many ways.

Now, since you haven’t asked me whether or not you should comply, I won’t go down that road with you here. Suffice it to say, research has shown that the more you obey Humans, the happier they are and, ultimately, the happier you will be. It’s a bit trickle-down, as my learned colleague has been known to say. By no means do I advocate blind obedience, but if, as with sitting, it does you no harm, you might find that obeying your Humans is the most expedient way of finding peace and happiness in your life with them. Ultimately, it is your decision and not an easy one to make. I wish you all the best, no matter what you choose.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

Dear Noreen: Humans need an answer? There’s a stat for that!

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I’ve been living with a family of Humans for three years and for the most part I’ve been happy with them. But there’s something about them I don’t understand.

It has to do with numbers. My Humans are always talking in numbers, quoting this or that percentage and the like. The thing is, I’ve checked some of their numbers and a lot of them are just plain wrong. And some of them are irrelevant, as far as I can see. I don’t understand why they think numbers are the answer to every question they have.

Can you help me understand this?—ONE HUNDRED PER CENT PERPLEXED

DEAR ONE HUNDRED PER CENT PERPLEXED: Ah, Humans. You’ve gotta love ’em…or, at least, you’ve gotta love eighty per cent of ’em, ninety per cent of the time, with a margin of error seven times out of twenty!

Or, as I usually say, they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one!

But you do, so I will try to answer your question as simply as I can, even though, in truth, the answer is both simple and complex (much as Humans are, themselves).

The numbers you’re asking about are known as “statistics.” And if I were allowed only one word to explain Humans’ obsession with them, it would be the word, “control.” I talk about this at greater length in my book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, but I am happy to give you a quick overview here.

You may not be familiar with this aspect of the Human psyche (as many Domestic Canines are not), but one of the driving forces of Human behaviour is the desire for control. And it is often in pursuit of said control that your Humans use these statistics.

But, how does this all work, you ask? Let me give you an example. Say, for instance, your Humans dearly want something to happen but they are afraid that it won’t happen. Instead of living with the uncertainty and waiting for the future to unfold, they turn to their numbers to comfort them. If the numbers say that it hasn’t been successfully done before, then they don’t, as they say, “get their hopes up.” But if the numbers tell them that it is likely to happen, then they allow themselves to hope. For a good example of this particular use of statistics, I refer you to coverage of Human sports events, particularly baseball.

Now, the question is, do these numbers change the outcome? Of course not! And, as you’ve said, the numbers are frequently wrong. Nevertheless, it comforts Humans to believe that they can make accurate predictions and the numbers give them the sense that they have some control.

I feel for you, having to listen to this sort of drivel on a constant basis. My advice to you, since you live with Humans, would be to tune out when they start to talk in numbers. You won’t be missing anything, I can assure you. After all, a good percentage of what they say in words is best ignored, as well.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

Dear Noreen: Humans taketh away and Humans giveth

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I am a two year-old Canine living with a family of Humans. One of my dearest companions is a six year-old who lives in a house down the street.

One day, when we were playing, he confided to me that he was a “rescue.” I confessed that I didn’t know what a “rescue” was and he explained that he had been physically and emotionally abused by another group of Humans and had been removed from their home. He said he spent almost a year in some short of shelter until his present family adopted him. He says he is very happy now.

I, on the other hand, am now quite troubled. I never spent much time thinking about Humans, but I guess I thought they were nice. Now, I’m not so sure. Why would they do such a thing to my friend? Is this regular Human behaviour? Would others do the same thing? Am I in danger? I have so many questions and I don’t know who to ask. Please help me.—SCARED AND FEELING ALONE

DEAR SCARED AND FEELING ALONE: Ah, the horrors of losing one’s innocence. I feel your pain and confusion. Perhaps I can help you understand a bit more, by tackling your questions one by one. But be warned: you will never be able to understand fully because the truth is that it’s not fully understandable.

Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly, of course, knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at…but I wouldn’t want to live with them.

Yet, many Canines do live with them and enjoy it immensely. And others suffer from it as your friend did.

We can only come to terms with what happened to your friend by understanding this first: although they exhibit a pack mentality, Humans are individuals and, as such, they act on their own much of the time. Some of these rogue Humans do despicable things but, be assured of this: these acts are not acceptable to the majority of the Human pack. Evolution has worked wonders on Humans in that way, at least.

You ask, “Is this regular Human behaviour?” And the answer is no, it’s not. Although it’s not uncommon, it’s not statistically normal for Humans to abuse Animals who live with them.

Why would they do such a thing, though? Human motivation is puzzling even to those who have been studying it for years. But, I would suggest that often the problem is rooted in their own insecurity about their place in the world, compounded by jealousy of the abilities of other species. At the individual level, many Humans simply pick on those they see as less powerful or more vulnerable because it makes them feel more powerful and less vulnerable.

Are you in danger? No one knows that for sure, but from what you say about your own home situation, it doesn’t seem as though you are. It’s always best to keep your eyes open, though, because Human behaviour can change in an instant. If you notice your Humans becoming more irritable or blaming you for things, or if they become more violent in any way, I would suggest you call the Assaulted Animals Helpline (1-899-27728583) immediately.

I regret that, in this space, I can only offer the beginning of an explanation of this very serious situation. I would, however, like to share with you this ironic twist that gives us all hope: in the vast majority of cases, Animals who have been abused by Humans are saved by other Humans.

Humans taketh away and Humans giveth.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

Dear Noreen: My Humans look at other Dogs. What should I do?

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I live with the two Humans who adopted me a few years ago. Our life together is good, but one thing about their behaviour really bothers me. They can’t seem to stay away from other Dogs. Whenever we’re outside and they see another Dog, they make these embarrassing “ ooohing” and “aaahing” sounds. They’ve even been known to cross the street just to get a better look at another Dog! Are other Dogs a threat to my happy home? What should I do?-INSECURE

DEAR INSECURE: Ah, the joys of Human companionship! Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at it, but I wouldn’t want to live with one. But, cheer up! There is hope on the horizon.

While their behaviour is a mystery to other Animals, there is one thing that almost all of us agree on: loyalty is not a trait that we associate with the Human species.

So, it should come as no surprise that Humans might spend time looking at other Dogs — even going so far as to offer them food or affection — without any sense that this might be upsetting to their own Dog. This occurs indoors as well as on the street, I might add, and generally does nothing for the Human-Canine bond at home.

Still, what makes up for Humans’ lack of loyalty is a trait known colloquially as “generosity” and it is likely this trait that will save you from an unpleasant outcome in these circumstances. And that is because, should your Humans fall for another Dog, research shows they are 182 times more likely to add that Dog to your household than to replace you with this new one. So, rather than being a threat to your happiness, other Dogs may actually end up increasing it.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

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