Satirical fiction in newspaper form
As of September, visitors to The Mammalian Daily’s main web site will be able to enjoy our Wednesday Rewind along with our Facebook and Twitter followers.
Every Wednesday, we’ll post an article from a bygone era. You’ll know it’s a Wednesday Rewind article when you see the symbol on this article.
So, enjoy your weekly blast from the past, compliments of The Mammalian Daily’s chief archivist. See you in September!
The coach of one of The Park’s most popular Avian teams has lashed out at critics who branded him “ineffectual” and his team “unworthy” of competing.
At a press conference held at dusk, Charles “Chuck” Nightjar, coach of the Poorwill Commoners, directly addressed the recent spate of criticism that has resulted in a call for his resignation and a complete overhaul of the team membership. In a speech aimed directly at the media, Nightjar countered accusations that he was ill-suited to lead the team and that the team was, somehow, “unstable” and unreliable.
The team has come under fire recently for being a no-show at several daytime training events and, more importantly, for allowing reservists to play in the regular season. The club has also been criticized for allowing members of other species to play for the team during hibernation season, when team members traditionally go into a state of torpor, and for allowing these players to train with the team during the regular season. Coach Nightjar has vigorously defended this policy, saying that all team members benefit from practice and that there is no way to compete during hibernation without bringing in team members from other species.
“The fact that we invite members of other species to play on our team [during hibernation season] in no way signals that we are less-than-serious competitors,” he stressed. “All our members are loyal to the team and focused on winning.”
The coach also took the opportunity to make a plea for fan restraint.
“We appreciate our fans. They’re very zealous…but they can be overly-zealous, too, sometimes,” he said, referring to a recent incident in which a group of passionate supporters painted their feathers and tails the colour of team members and flew out on a destructive nocturnal spree, trashing the nests of rival teams.
“This sort of thing has no place in sport,” Nightjar said.
Original Publication Date: 22 July 2014
Veteran playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn has died, The Mammalian Daily has learned.
In a communication sent to managing editor Orphea Haas, Aardeekhoorn’s publicist confirmed that the author of “Mixed Nuts” died at her burrow sometime between Saturday evening and last night. Her body was discovered this morning by a friend, the publicist said.
Aardeekhoorn was born in The Park to an immigrant Chipmunk family. A prolific writer, she was the author of two novels, a book of poems, and three plays, as well as her “Chronicles,” upon which the one-Chipmunk show, “Mixed Nuts,” was based. Last year, Aardeekhoorn received the Chitter Radio Literary Award for her last work, ”Truffles.” She was also honoured at that event for her efforts on behalf of the Park Repertory Theatre.
Aardeekhoorn was nine years old.
Original Publication Date: 18 June 2013
The power is in the understatements in “Mixed Nuts,” the compelling one-Chipmunk drama that opened for a short time in Alepou (November) and is scheduled for a return engagement this Barnabus (February) at the Park Repertory Theatre.
This should come as no surprise, given that the author is Imogen Aardeekhoorn, who has adapted her now famous chronicles for the stage. Understatement is the hallmark of Chipmunk literature and Aardeekhoorn ranks among the best of her species, drawing on the tradition as if she were sucking sand from a straw. Take, for example, the line with which she concludes the story of her harrowing escape from a trap that was set in the backyard of a house outside The Park:
“It wasn’t my time.”
A lesser writer might say more but Aardeekhoorn, played by the lovely and lively Millicent Hayberry, need not explain. We know, from the get-go, how she will react to the many challenges of modern Chipmunk life. We are also privileged to be her confidantes as she lays bare her feelings about herself, her ancestors, and her species as a whole, in this deeply personal account that lasts only sixty-five minutes but sweeps across the terrain of some fifty generations.
The struggle of Park Chipmunks has not gone uncharted; as a founding family, they have experienced the best and the worst of The Park. But it is a rare occasion on which a member of this secretive species speaks openly about the struggle for survival, the trials of colonial life, and the emotional burden that is placed on a generation born and raised in a world unfamiliar to its parents.
The strength of the piece lies in this rarity; the operative word here is “speak.” Having read the original chronicles in hardshell, I wondered whether Aardeekhoorn’s voice could translate faithfully to the stage. I needn’t have worried; a seasoned performer such as Millicent Hayberry could not do otherwise but bring authenticity to the rôle. She does so brilliantly, all the while infusing it with an “everyAnimal” sensibility that draws us closer to her with every revelation.
And it is here that Hayberry reveals the full range of her dramatic and vocal artistry. Few of the “great secrets” that she is given to impart are, in fact, unknown to the audience. Aardeekhoorn’s life is legendary in The Park; the secrets of this “twitching teller of tales” are, at once, shocking, familiar, and predictable. Yet, in mining the depths of her own emotions, Hayberry conveys Aardeekhoorn’s own sense of shock and dismay and jolts the audience out of its complacency. No longer predictable, she disarms and charms her captive audience for the full sixty-five minutes. It is a performance well worth studying for her technique alone.
A good deal of credit for the play’s vigour must go to director Donald Merriami, whose fluid style marries well with Hayberry’s vocal dynamism. Praise must also go to set designer, Roland Xerus, whose faux burrow is exquisitely lit by Constantine Lampris, and to costume designer, Oberon Pavo, whose “over-the-top” stripes add an extra dimension to the drama.
MIXED NUTS
By Imogen Aardeekhoorn, based upon her chronicles; directed by Donald Merriami; sets by Roland Xerus; costumes by Oberon Pavo; lighting by Constantine Lampris; sound by Marit Chauna; production stage manager, Burkhard Shepherd; associate director, A.S. Tami. Presented by Hudson Meerkat and Anthony Abert, executive producers. At the Park Repertory Theatre, 2-13 Alepou (returning 14 Barnabus-32 Varrah). Running time: 65 minutes.
Original publication date: 26 July 2012
A security breach at the network run by the LynxLink charity has left hundreds of The Park’s immigrant and refugee Lynx and their families vulnerable to abduction, incarceration, and murder.
A spokesAnimal for the charity, which assists immigrants to The Park through its LynxedIN network, told The Mammalian Daily that the charity discovered the breach late last night.
“We became aware of a problem with our systems and immediately shut down our network. IT experts from the University of West Terrier arrived within an hour to help us,” she said.
Unfortunately, the IT help came too late for The Park’s Lynx. Experts discovered that the identities of hundreds of Lynx were stolen from the charity’s systems.
“It’s a worry, to be sure,” says LynxLink spokesAnimal Lucia Castilla. “Some very sensitive information has been stolen from our database, including the names and addresses of Lynx who have escaped from zoological parks and so-called ‘nature reserves’. The Humans who run these are very aggressive; they’ve been looking for these Lynx and they will stop at nothing to find them. Unfortunately, this has made it easier for them to do so.”
LynxLink confirmed that it has advised all Park Lynx of the problem and the charity has assured them that it will assist them in all ways possible to maintain their security within The Park.
“The safety of The Park’s Lynx is of paramount importance to everyone,” says a message on LynxLink’s web site this morning.
Retired Archon Wyndham Seahorse refuses to retract his comments regarding The Promise of The Park
Original Publication Date: 14 June 2012
Retired Archon, Wyndham Seahorse, plunged headlong into renewed controversy yesterday, when he refused to retract a statement he made two weeks ago about “The Promise of The Park.”
Speaking at the 2012 commencement ceremony at the University of West Terrier, Seahorse called the concept “a sham” and told the graduating class, “You’ve been had.”
Asked point blank by a Park Aquatic Animal Television (PAATV) reporter whether he regretted his comments, Seahorse replied, “Not at all,” and began to elaborate further on his theme.
“I think it’s important for our young to know that they’re not headed in the direction they’ve been led to believe,” he said.
Seahorse continued in that vein for approximately a minute and a half before the reporter cut him off. Visibly frustrated, the 2008 Archon continued to talk, saying later that he believed he had a very important point to make, whether Animals wanted to hear it or not.
“I served as an Archon for one year and I saw what was going on in The Park and in the wider world. I would think the value of that would be recognized, but I see that, sadly, it is not,” he said.
Original Publication Date: 04 November 2011
The University of West Terrier announced today that it has secured the services of award-winning author, Pieter N. Paard, to write the definitive history of The Park’s oldest institution of higher learning.
In a statement released to all Park media, the President of UWT, Angus Abhag, said that this will be “a no-holds barred, complete history of the institution, from its foundation to the present day.”
The statement also said that UWT hoped all present and past faculty and staff members, as well as the university’s students, friends, and benefactors, would cooperate with Paard and be “completely honest about their experiences at the University of West Terrier.”
Pieter Paard is best known for his book, From Slavery to Freedom: A History of Pack Animals. A five-part television series, based on the book, aired on PBC Television this Autumn.
In their continuing effort to foster interspecial harmony in The Park, the Archons have instituted a weekly series of gatherings, which they are calling “Stereotype Sundays.” They hope these gatherings will enable residents to discuss their ideas and misconceptions about other species.
Original Publication Date: 20 June 2013
In their continuing effort to foster interspecial harmony in The Park, the 2013 Archons have instituted a series of public gatherings that will take place every Sunday at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.
“Stereotype Sundays,” as they will be called, are the latest in a long list of administrative efforts to promote the kind of peaceful coexistence among species that Jor hoped to achieve when he established modern zoocracy in The Park 31 years ago.
But, as the Archons admitted this morning when they announced this latest venture, “almost every success in this area has been hard-won. Worthwhile…and a major step forward, but hard-won.”
This new idea, which was unanimously approved by the Archons in April, differs in its approach in that it is meant “to encourage Animals to be open about what they think and how they feel,” said Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros this morning.
“Free is the operative word,” she emphasized.
“We want all Animals to feel free to bring something to these gatherings. And by that, I mean, to bring their beliefs, their ideas about other species. We want to hear what they think, what their ancestors taught them. We are going to try not to judge, but to educate…to illuminate. After all, we are a community of thousands of different species…there is bound to be an abundance of misinformation,” she said.
The gatherings will begin on Sunday, June 23. For the first event, the Archons have requested that those attending bring a “stereotype” of their own species to the forum.
“An idea, a picture, a quotation…anything…as long as it will spark discussion. That is all we need,” said the Rhinoceros.
The 5 Ws of it all:
Who: All Park Animals, including citizens, residents, regular visitors, and their friends and families
What: “Stereotype Sundays”
When: Every Sunday, 1:00 pm until 6:00 pm
Where: Ancient, Open-Air Theatre
Why: To foster harmony among all the species that live in The Park by dispelling myths and understanding others’ beliefs
Original Publication Date: 30 March 2014
After experiencing delays, underfunding, and the resignations of two of its directors, The Park’s new Centre for Interspecial Harmony (CIH) finally opened its doors yesterday afternoon.
The CIH is the brainchild of Dewi Rhinoceros, who is now the Chair of its Board of Directors. It was her 2013 term as Chief Archon that was partly to blame for the opening’s delay.
“Once I found out that I’d been appointed [Chief Archon], I knew I wouldn’t have the time to put into the Centre that I wanted to,” she said yesterday.
While she put the project on hold for the year, she and her fellow Archons instituted “Stereotype Sundays” as a way of achieving the goal that is most dear to her heart: fostering harmony among all the species of Animals in The Park. This is, not coincidentally, the mission of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony.
“‘Stereotype Sundays’ was just the beginning and more of a foundation,” Dewi said. ” With them, we introduced the notion of openness and our willingness to look realistically at what we might be thinking about each other.”
The CIH plans to build on that foundation by running educational programmes, hosting events, and funding research projects in association with the University of West Terrier.
“Now that we’ve achieved self-government, we might think we can just sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labour. But there is so much work to be done to ensure the health and well-being of zoocracy and, I believe, attending to interspecial harmony may be the most important work of all,” said Dewi.
The Centre for Interspecial Harmony is open seven days a week from 10:00 to 21:00.
The Mammalian Daily will participate in The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor.”
Original Publication Date: 11 March 2014
It’s a bold idea that is sure to make waves. And, this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that The Mammalian Daily is coming on board.
“That is music to our ears,” said Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of The Park’s “Month Without Metaphor.”
The media-wide initiative, which is set to run for the entire month of May, promises to shake up what many regard as a moribund industry. And as of yesterday, almost ninety percent of The Park’s newspapers and magazines had agreed to participate in Tinamou’s “Grand Resuscitation.” The Mammalian Daily is the largest and latest to do so.
“We’re thrilled about it,” said Tinamou in an interview this afternoon. “The Mammalian Daily is such an influential paper in The Park and their participation gives us another quiver in our arsenal.”
The idea of the initiative, Tinamou says, is to “tell it like it really is…no embellishments, no idiotic comparisons, no ridiculous painting of pictures for the reading public. Just the facts. We think they’re enough. And not only do we think the facts are enough, we think all this metaphorical reporting is obscuring those facts and distracting our readers’ attention from the important issues. What we need is clarity, particularly during these challenging times, and we very much look forward to seeing how our readers react to being offered a month of just plain facts.”
The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor” will run from May 1-31, 2014.
