The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—Prepare for all-out food fight as farmers and app makers engage in war of words

By

Bulb Beacon with borderHistorians may look back on it and jokingly call it the “Tulip War,” but at present it’s a tense situation that could cause irreparable damage to The Park’s food and technology sectors.

It started last month, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained in a print advertisement that The Park’s technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food in favour of letting apps do the searching for them. The SCPCPGF maintains that this negatively affects what it calls the “natural pacing” of food finding and will inevitably lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages.

The Park’s technology sector laid low for a short time, hoping to wait out the controversy. But when the SCPCPGF refused to give up, SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava took to the airwaves to vigorously defend her company’s app, Bulb Beacon, and assert that SINCAP and other technology companies make it their business to support access to food in The Park.

“We all take access to food very seriously. I know from personal experience that it can be very frustrating and terrifying not to be able to find enough food, or to forget where you stored your food over the Winter. I’ve had relatives who almost starved and that was the impetus for me to develop our app,” she told Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros in an interview.

But that did not placate SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet, and a few days later, he called for a moratorium on the development of food-related technology.

Now, the anger that has been brewing for weeks threatens to spill over. As both sides begin to issue threats and accusations, experts say the issue could come to blows in May, as planting begins and the Park Finance Office turns its attention to the 2017 budget.

“What’s at stake here is not just peace in The Park, but the food supply itself,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“We all should be very scared.”

OTD in 2016—Civet calls for freeze on development of all food-related technology

By

A.P. Civet

SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet called for a moratorium on food-related technology

In a bold move that is sure to spark controversy, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) has called for a moratorium on the development of all food-related technology.

Society president A.P. Civet took to the airwaves this morning to announce that his members had voted unanimously last night to make the call for a temporary halt to the development of food-related technology and food-finding apps in particular.

The hastily-arranged vote came in response to remarks made yesterday by Peppi Orava, president of SINCAP Technologies, the company that released the food-finding app Bulb Beacon last year.

As a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show, Orava disputed the Society’s claims that her app encouraged Animals to abandon their natural ways of finding food.

“The SCPCPGF claims that our technologies are meant to displace the old ways. Quite the contrary. What we were aiming for—and what we’ve succeeded in doing—is allowing Animals to do what they do naturally, but without expending as much time and energy doing it,” she told Tavros.

Orava went on to say that she believed technology would enable Animals to become more efficient at finding food.

“But if we do discover a shortage of food, that is not the fault of the technology; it is the fault of the farming community. It is their job to provide for the needs of Park Animals.”

It was that last comment that so incensed Civet that he immediately arranged the SCPCPGF membership meeting that resulted in the call for a moratorium on food technology development.

Today, on the radio, Civet was unapologetic about his hasty response.

“We believe these technologies have a use, but they’ve been made available too soon. They set up expectations that can’t possibly be met by any food provider,” he said.

“There are so many factors that go into the cultivation, planting, and growing of foodstuffs. It’s as impossible to blame one group for shortages as it is to praise one group for bounty. Peppi Orava spoke out of ignorance, and I’m here to say that ignorance will feed neither the stomach nor the spirit.”

OTD in 2016—Food growers, app makers at odds as Tulip season begins

By

TT3The Park’s technology sector has come under fire from what seems like an unlikely source: the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

In a paid advertisement, the SCPCPGF accused the makers of apps such as TulipTracker, Bulb Beacon and FoodFinder™ of working against them by setting up expectations that food growers can’t possibly meet.

In the ad, which appeared in all print media yesterday as well as on three billboards, the Society made a plea for slower adaptation of technology as it relates to food production and consumption.

“As you know, the goals of our Society include ensuring the autonomy of Park farmers and preserving our food-growing lands for the nourishment of our population. These goals are difficult enough to reach without the interference of those outside the farming community. But now, the makers of food-finding apps are encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The natural ways are paced and allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park. That would be devastating to the economy, as well as to our health,” the ad said.

Neither SINCAP Technologies, the developer of Bulb Beacon, nor TulipTracker developer GVC De-Techt has publicly commented. on Civet’s accusations.

What you need to know:
The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons interfered with farmer autonomy on The Park’s food-producing lands. In 2012, an undercover investigation revealed that the 2011 Archons and the Park Finance Officers had agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. At that time, the Society broadened its mission to include being a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

OTD in 2015—Park innovators to watch: FoodFinder™

By

Second in a series

From the companies that brought you gewper, the social networking site that allows users to smell “those they know and those they might wish to know” and the popular scent-masking product FeralNoMore™, comes this new app that is sure to appeal to every species of Park Animal.

FoodFinder™, described at its launch last month by RhinoTech CEO Aldrich Nashorn as “the ultimate service tool for Animals,” claims to be able to find “any edible imaginable anywhere, anytime, at any place above ground or below in the natural or unnatural world.”

The secret ingredient in FoodFinder™ is a dash of what Nashorn calls “intuitive olfaction.” The exact algorithm is a secret, of course, but Nashorn admits there is a GPS component involved. But even more important is the ingredient that Enterprises Moufettes, the inventor of FeralNoMore™ has added.

“Under the direction of our Chief Olfactory Officer, Agnetha Muldvarp, our company created a database of odours that includes almost every possible item in the world,” says the company’s president, Aabu Koiperhonen.

“We are certain that we’ve included everything Park Animals need to sustain themselves.”

The app, which will be available for download in early April, is sure to be a success, says Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok.

“I can’t see how it could miss, especially in Winter, when food is scarce and many of us suffer from Frozen Nose Syndrome (FNS),” she says.

“I expect to hear by this time next year that both companies’ earnings have quadrupled.”

See also:
Five Park innovators to watch

OTD in 2016—Director Douglas Cheetah to head fundraising at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

By

Extinction AnxietyRenowned film director Douglas Cheetah will join The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic in January as its head of fundraising, it was announced today.

Cheetah and EAC head Dr. Berthilidis Strix made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“The need for fundraising underscores the seriousness of the situation,” Strix said, as Cheetah fielded questions from reporters about the dire situation faced by his own species.

In an emotional response to the question of why he decided to take the job, for which he will not receive a salary, the director said he thought it was time he did his part in the fight against extinction and extinction anxiety.

“For too long, I turned away from the reality of the situation. I convinced myself that I wasn’t threatened. But I see now that that was extinction anxiety at its worst and least productive. Now that I am facing it head-on, I want to do my part to help others who suffer from this debilitating condition,” he said.

Cheetah added that no fight against extinction anxiety would be effective unless it was paired with a fight against extinction, itself.

“There’s no point in just telling members of endangered species to calm down. We have to give them a reason to go on. We have to give them hope for a future,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Hieronymous Hedgehog to tweet during hibernation via Keeper of the Tweets

By

Hieronymous twitter account

Click image above to follow Hieronymous on Twitter during hibernation.

Move over, Keeper of the Nut. Hieronymous Hedgehog has a Keeper of the Tweets.

The Hedgehog, who was sworn in November 2 as The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador, left little to chance, it appears, when he went into hibernation on November 17.

In fact, what he left was eleven weeks’ worth of tweets on the subject of hibernation, including the details of preparation and what life underground is really like.

“He took his duties very seriously, particularly those related to educating non-hibernators, and he was dismayed that the position was created so late in the year,” said Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo, who appointed the Hedgehog in late October. The position carries a term of five years.

The Chief Archon said they spoke on a number of occasions about the time crunch and the need for Hieronymous to prepare for his own hibernation while leaving time to attend to his new duties, including hosting Q&A sessions on Twitter.

“I told him to resume his duties full-time in the Spring and not to worry about it. But he wanted a more concrete solution to the problem,” she said.

Enter The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitters, GoUnderground, for whom Hieronymous is a spokesAnimal.

“He was facing a deadline in every sense of the word and I told him that whatever we could do to help, we would,” says Nafari Bongo, GoUnderground’s Director of Sales.

The solution they came up with was for Hieronymous to take a few days and dictate everything he wanted to say about hibernation this year. Then, they’d hire another Animal to send the info as tweets throughout the Winter.

“Hieronymous was thrilled with that solution. He kept saying, ‘Brilliant! Brilliant!’ And his enthusiasm was infectious. We all got into it and made suggestions about topics and questions that non-hibernators might have,” Bongo says.

The hibernation outfitter then discreetly placed an ad for a non-hibernator to take over the Twitter account for twelve weeks.

“We found the perfect tweeter and we’re almost ready to go live,” he says. But the identity of that tweeter will be kept under wraps until the Spring.

As for Hieronymous, we wish him a happy hibernation and we look forward to seeing him again on Groundhog Day.

“Under and out, as he might say,” laughs Bongo.

OTD in 2012—Gewper finds scents make good financial sense

By

Executives at RhinoTech, Inc. had a hunch they were onto something four years ago, when they partnered with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, to create gewper, a social networking site with a difference.

That difference—the opportunity for users to “smell those they know and those they might wish to know”—has made all the difference in RhinoTech’s bottom line.

Now just a year old, the site dubbed “the ultimate Animal experience in the virtual world” accounts for more than half of its developer’s real income.

“Earnings are up 175% over this time last year,” said a RhinoTech spokesAnimal at a tech conference held in The Park last week. “And we’re putting them to good use.”

That “good use” may well turn out to be the project the company says every Animal has been waiting for. In an interview last year, RhinoTech Chief Executive Officer Aldrich Nashorn confirmed that his company, which uses all its profits for research, was working on a site that would allow members to touch each other across cyberspace.

“We’re working on it, that’s all I can tell you,” Nashorn said.

The company has kept mum about the project ever since, but those in the know say they expect an announcement to be made within a year’s time.

“With all the money that gewper is making, they’ve got enough to hire the best and the brightest,” says Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok. “And that’s what it’s going to take to get this one off the ground,” she says.

See also: New social networking site to offer scent option

OTD in 2016—Farmers threaten to boycott Friday’s Agrarian Jubilee over food-finding apps

By

Crow in coverallsThe Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) says it will boycott Friday’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee unless The Park’s technology sector comes to the table to discuss its concerns over the proliferation of food-finding apps.

In a statement released to media this morning, SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet called on tech companies to listen to what his group has to say about the future of food and its availability in The Park.

“The issue is not whether technology should be involved in the production and distribution of food. Of course it should. The issue is where and when, under what circumstances and for what purpose,” Civet says in the statement.

The dispute between the two sectors dates back to the beginning of Tulip Season in March, when apps such as Bulb Beacon and TulipTracker became available. The SCPCPGF expressed its concern that the apps had been released too soon and Park farmers hadn’t had a chance to amp up food production in order to meet the growing expectations of our population. Civet contended that the “natural” ways of finding food allowed for a more even distribution of food.

“If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park,” he said.

In the media statement released the morning, Civet expressed his disappointment that technology companies hadn’t responded to his many invitations to discuss the issue.

“We are all in this together. I don’t understand why they’re not willing [to discuss the issue].

As of this morning, none of The Park’s technology companies that produce food-finding apps has responded to the threat of the boycott.

OTD in 2012—New device may help distinguish news from entertainment

By

Is it news or is it entertainment?

That is the question that many Park Animals are asking, as the boundary between the two, in both broadcast and print media, becomes increasingly blurred.

Enter KartalTechSolutions, S.A. and their revolutionary new device, the Verifyzer™, which company executives claim solves this “modern dilemma” almost instantly.

“This new instrument will tell you, within five seconds, whether what you’re reading or watching is news or entertainment,” said President and CEO, Fikret Kartal, at the product’s launch this past weekend.

On hand at the outdoor launch, which doubled as a pop-up Verifyzer™ retail store, were many representatives of The Park’s media community, as well as some faculty members of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier. Many were eager to voice their skepticism of KartalTech’s claims about the new device.

“The company bases the success of this device on a number of assumptions, the most important of which is that there is an objective — and detectable — difference between so-called news and entertainment,” said Journalism Professor and author, Ludwiga Saimiri. “This is something that journalists strive to define every day of their working lives, but it is not something about which, as yet, anyone can make a definitive pronouncement.”

Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP) was even more adamant:

“There is no such thing as anything [being] objective in the newspaper business,” he said. “These definitions are fluid, they change with the seasons…with the generations; unfortunately, one Animal’s news is, sometimes, another Animal’s entertainment. And vice-versa.”

Also present at the launch was Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP). Among other things, he took issue with the company’s guarantee of an accuracy rate of 92 per cent.

“The only thing any device can do, as far as I know,” said van de Gier, “is detect the presence of, for instance, celebrities’ names in a print or voice report. But that isn’t necessarily an indication of the nature of the report. Whether you want to admit it or not, celebrities can be involved in ‘real’ news and, sometimes, ‘real’ news can be enormously entertaining,” he said.

In response to van de Gier’s remarks, a KartalTech spokesAnimal, issued this statement:

“With due respect to the AMOP President’s remarks, technology has come a long way from merely detecting names. I invite Mr. van de Gier to attend a full demonstration of our device and to see, for himself, what our new age has to offer.”

While van de Gier has, thus far, made no reply, the Verifyzer™  is scheduled to hit Park stores at the beginning of May.

OTD in 2015—Park innovators to watch: abSCENT

By

abSCENTFourth in a series

Can abSCENT make the heart grow fonder?

Perhaps not, but it definitely can help it stay stronger and more faithful, according to its maker, DoftTek, S.A.

A relative newcomer, DoftTek specializes in scent-related products and was voted The Park’s most promising company last year by The Cosmopolitan Pest. The abSCENT app is the company’s first foray into wearable technology.

The innovative app, which DoftTek launched on Monday, works like a “virtual locket,” allowing users to store the scents of their loved ones so that they can access them at any time.

“Physical absence need never be a barrier to relating,” said DoftTek spokesAnimal Lars Myskoxe, who demonstrated the app outside the Reek ‘O Rama yesterday.

The crowd oohed and awed as Myskoxe showed the potential users how easy the app makes it to retain a “dynamic memory” of their loved ones.

“It’s authentic,” said Keeva Moffatt, President of the Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol and a Reek ‘O Rama regular.

“It does what it says. The scent is pure and, from what I could tell, it doesn’t degrade. This is something every Park Animal will want,” she said.

Myskoxe claims the uses for the app are “unlimited,” and will grow in number as more and more Animals “make it their own.”

“In its present form, it can store up to ten scents. We are planning to expand that within the next five years,” he said. “I can see it eventually becoming a necessary tool for all stages of life,” he said.

The app is currently available only through the company and at the Reek ‘O Rama, which intends to offer it at a discount on May 5 only, the date of the annual Mating Dance.

“That will be its biggest test so far,” said Myskoxe.

See also:
TulipTracker™
FoodFinder™
gaggle

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

April 2026
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930