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OTD in 2015—Groups cry foul as “politics” nixed at 2015 Harvest Festival

October 9, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Harvest Festival

No politics allowed at Sunday’s Harvest Festival

The Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) and the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) are crying foul this morning, after the announcement that their plans to host information booths at Sunday’s annual Harvest Festival have been nixed by the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In a terse communiqué dated yesterday, the Department reiterated its longstanding rule against promotion or lobbying of any sort at the festival. This year, however, a paragraph explicitly forbidding the dissemination of any kind of information was added to the communiqué and that is what has enraged the two groups.

“We’re not playing politics here,” said SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet in a TMD Radio interview this morning. “We are trying to inform all Animals about their food and their food growers. This is information about our very survival…information we all need to have,” he said.

In a press release issued this morning, the Weather Makers were more forceful in their opposition to the ban:

“We are used to being shut out. We’ve been shut out of every sort of meeting or activity when we believed we had something of value to bring to the table. But this is something else. We are being shut out of a public event and a public place. How can we say that we have freedom of expression in The Park when we have been told to keep quiet?”

WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear confirmed later via email that she has scheduled a meeting with the group’s legal representatives to discuss launching a formal challenge to the new rule.

“This is outrageous behaviour on the part of the department. And it’s a slippery slope. We need to stop it right here before more of our rights are taken away,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: food growers, freedom of expression, harvest festival, weather makers

OTD in 2016—Stripes two ways: groomer offers “WINK coiffure” in honour of PIFF premiere

October 2, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Zebra two wayIf you blink, you could miss it.

But if you wink, you could be rewarded with a new coiffure, which emphasizes the two directions of Animals’ stripes.

In a video advertisement that will run every day of October, the proprietor of one of The Park’s most popular grooming houses says that, in honour of The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)—and, in particular, in honour of its opening film, WINK—she has created a new “do,” which she’s dubbed the “WINK coiffure.”

That proprietor, known as Amoltrud, made headlines earlier this year when she announced that her shop would no longer be offering stripe and spot removal services. The year before, she’d been quoted as saying that although she advised her clients against the procedures, she’d been forced to offer the services “in order to keep up with the competition.”

But Amoltrud changed her mind and, breaking with traditional retail behaviour, decided to challenge the competition by doing exactly the opposite of what it was doing.

“I led with my mind—and my heart,” she said in an interview with The Mammalian Daily last night at the gala opening of G.D. Zebra’s WINK. “At some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing what I believe in or am I just doing what everybody else is doing?”

Amoltrud says she’s steadfastly against stripe and spot removal and vows never to offer the service again at her shop, even though some of her competition has called the procedures “a growth industry.”

“You have to decide what you stand for and then stand for it,” Amoltrud said last night. “And I stand for equality among the species, no matter what their coats look like.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life, PIFF Piffle, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: Amoltrud's Aesthetics, stripe and spot removal, WINK Coiffure

OTD in 0215—The new face of GoUnderground: Hieronymous Hedgehog

September 24, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

HGoUnderground

A series of “Hieronymous Hedgehog for GoUnderground” ads will commence next month

Hieronymous Hedgehog is the new face of GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest and largest hibernation outfitter.

The company announced today that it has signed an agreement with The Park’s much-beloved Hedgehog to produce a series of advertisements that will appear in Park newspapers, magazines, and on television. The ads will commence in October and will run until the end of November.

“We are pleased to announce that Hieronymous Hedgehog has agreed to be the spokesAnimal for our company,” today’s official press release said.

In a short radio interview this afternoon, Hieronymous said he was “pleased as punch” to have been invited to do the ads.

“I’ve been a regular customer of GoUnderground for years, as have most members of my family. I trust them to outfit me for the long Winter, and I’m not being paid to say that,” he laughed.

While this may be Hieronymous’s first commercial venture, it will not be his first encounter with fame. The Hedgehog appeared as a character in the famous Park novel, “The Way to Dr. Bourru,” and he is a regular contributor to The Mammalian Daily’s annual live coverage of The Park’s Groundhog Day events.

GoUnderground’s Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, praised the company’s move, calling it a “perfect fit.”

“We all trust Hieronymous and we believe him when he says something. He’s as honest as any Animal can be. He says what he thinks, even when he doesn’t think,” Bongo said. “I’m confident that he will be good for our company and great for our bottom line.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life Tagged With: business, GoUnderground, hibernation outfitters, Hieronymous Hedgehog

OTD in 2014—Park’s grooming houses gear up for PIFF

September 18, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

The Pluming Room

Grooming houses are banding together to prevent a stampede

Vowing not to repeat the mistakes that led to the stampede before last Spring’s Fowl Ball, The Park’s grooming houses have banded together to ensure that all clients are cared for as they prepare to attend The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

“We want to assure our clients that they will be seen, no matter what. To that end, we will honour all appointments in the order in which they were made and all last-minutes will be seen, though they may have to wait a bit,” says Tallulah, owner of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which the Spring stampede occurred.

Tallulah confirmed that at a meeting held in late August, the owners of all The Park’s grooming houses voted in favour of establishing an ad hoc coalition to meet the needs of Park residents during the busy PIFF season. Last week, that coalition, which they call the Association of Registered Grooming Houses (ARGH), appointed nurse Hermione Hippo to triage the last-minute appointments, as well as to keep the groomers on schedule.

“It will require a military-like precision to ensure that all are groomed properly and Hermione is the best one to effect that,” says Tano Pagun, co-owner of The Pluming Room.

“I can’t imagine having to deal personally with fly-ins,” he says. “But we are committed to preventing the frustration that led to the Spring violence. In our view, once is too many [times]. We must learn from our mistakes.”

In addition to all their usual staff, the grooming houses will have a number of extra “paws and beaks on deck,” to assist because ARGH has drafted all members of the first graduating class of the School of Aesthetics.

“Even those who moved on to other careers will be using their knowledge and expertise in this field come early October,” Tallulah says.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: film festival, grooming house, stampede

OTD in 2016—The Beats gets bigger: lineup for music festival’s fourth year announced today

September 12, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Beats of Burden logo“Bigger” and “better” were the words most often uttered this morning as Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox announced the lineup for the fourth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“We know that bigger isn’t always better, but in this case it is,” Ox told the throng of reporters outside The Draft, the pub that he and his Beasts of Burden bandmates own.

“We asked ourselves, what could make this event better? How do we stay true to our purpose without this becoming just another music festival?”

The answer to that question, Ox said, was to bring the musical and other acts closer to that purpose.

“We want The Park’s refugees, who are the festival’s raison d’être, to always be within your sight or hearing. We want you —no matter what you’re listening to, no matter what you’re watching, no matter what you’re eating—to have our refugees front and centre in your mind. Yes, we want you to have a Whale of a time, and that’s no pun. NIML will be at the festival, down by the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. But we also want you to remember that this is a charity festival, a festival with a purpose, not just a Porpoise,” he said, as the crowd groaned.

As far as the music lineup goes, many of these groups have performed at the festival before: Inktvis and Krake, Eggie and The Pigs, The Feral Four, The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, Spontaneous Generation, NIML, rapper Will.o.be., The Cynics, The Tweeters, Les Chiens Débraillés, GHC, Jargohead, Fish Rap, and The DomEstyx.

But there are newcomers, such as Belles and Whistles and Memes of Production and up-and-comers, including Erdferkel!, plucked just past Friday from the Beats in the Bar (formerly the Open Mic at The Draft), as well as last year’s pick, The Crumb Seekers.

Even bigger musical news comes in the form of Last Stand, the band whose members all hail from endangered species, and ZEAL, who begged off last year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice because he refused to play at the same event as the SCENTient Beings’ Faramund Stinktier. The Beats will feature both, though they’ll play at different venues.

As well, Ox said he personally invited The Endeka Elephant Band, whose bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed this summer on a trip home to Africa. The band agreed to play on two of the three days of the festival, and Ox said he took that as a compliment.

“Zuberi Tembo was a refugee and I think the band wanted to honour that,” he said.

This year’s festival will introduce a new category, Spoken Word Extemporaneous (SWE), which Ox said he’s particularly excited about. And the comedy portion will feature Dalmanik and Woodruff Dalmatio, with a few “surprises” in store for Saturday.

Another first for the festival is the Rodent gymnastic troupe, “Out of the Box.” Ox was also proud to announce that the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk had agreed to resurrect their 2014 exhibit, “From Fear to Freedom,” which highlights the art of The Park’s refugees.

As usual, the Beasts of Burden will take the stage every day and night and they’ll be acting as auctioneers during Saturday night’s gala auction.

With all that, and the “long list of surprises” that Ox boasted about, it’s hard not to believe that this bigger Beats will be even better.


The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place at venues throughout The Park 16-18 September 2016.

All proceeds from the festival go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: art, beats of burden music festival, charity, music, Refugees

OTD in 2014—Data Tree hacking: Police issue update

September 9, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

tree hacked

Tree hacking update: Humans responsible, say Police

At a press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued an update on the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

Flanked by Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Addax confirmed that data Retrievers working for the private firm AROO had recovered enough data to confirm that Humans were involved in the hacking.

“The data, in combination with the debris that was recovered from the site by my team, confirm beyond any doubt that Humans were the perpetrators of the crime,” the ASIS head told reporters.

Also in attendance at the press event was Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The Squirrel’s firm stored most of their data in the Tree, which is believed to be more than 70 years old.

“They [the data Retrievers] were able to retrieve much of our client data and for that we are extremely grateful, but this has been a very challenging few months for us and for our customers,” the Squirrel said after the press conference.

When asked whether the investigation was now considered closed, Addax admitted that options were limited, but denied that Police had formally closed the investigation.

“No, we consider the investigation to still be open, but the sad fact is that we have no control over Humans. We cannot prosecute them, either inside or outside The Park and we cannot recover damages from them. Our only options are to try and prevent such things from happening again and to that end, we are working to develop new security policies. The investigation will remain open until we have these policies in place,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life Tagged With: data, hacking, Noreen, police

OTD in 2014—Hibernation and estivation benefit the economy in many ways: PASS

September 4, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Economy going up

Hibernation, estivation are good for the economy, say business leaders

Hibernation and estivation are good for The Park’s economy, according to a report released today by the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

PASS released the report less than two weeks before our estivating population is scheduled to return to full participation in Park life.

“The timing is not insignificant,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Association.

“They’re a beleaguered bunch [estivators] and we thought we could use the findings in this report to offer them a proper welcome back to life.”

Whistlepig, who is himself a hibernator, said the last few years have been difficult for Park Animals who hibernate or estivate.

“We and our way of life have been under siege for a number of years, ever since the economic downturn, in fact,” he says. “There seems to be less tolerance these days for the differences among us.”

That was the one of the main reasons that PASS decided to commission a report on the subject.

“Some of our numbers were used in another report that was released in the Spring. It showed some gains in the fourth quarter of 2013 which were attributed to the delay in the official hibernation date and that led to the conclusion that hibernation was a drag on the economy.

As Association president, I felt that our numbers had been misconstrued, so I asked for a full accounting from our members. They were very enthusiastic in their agreement to participate,” he says.

Whistlepig says the new report, which analyzes figures from 2008-2013, demonstrates definitively that hibernation benefits The Park’s economy.

“First of all, it creates jobs on a regular basis. Every job a hibernator or estimator holds has two Animals performing it,” Whistlepig says.

“Now, to those who consider that a drag on the economy, we say ‘think again.’ That’s two Animals who have currency to spend in our shops and for our services. And one of those two Animals needs to prepare for say, hibernation, before and after. Those are purchases that wouldn’t be made, otherwise. There are shops that cater to hibernators and estivators and they wouldn’t exist without those customers,” he contends.

Whistlepig says our hibernating and estivating citizens should be seen for what they are: a stimulating presence, both economically and culturally.

“We hope this report puts this foolishness to rest,” he says.

The Association’s full report will be made available to the public next week.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life

OTD in 2014—Park Finance Office releases “streamlined” budget for 2015

August 30, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

2015 projectionsPark Finance Officer Milton Struts looked confident yesterday as he addressed members of the Park’s media community.

After releasing the PFO’s expense projections for 2015, otherwise known as The Park Budget, Struts boasted that this was the best budget his office had configured in more than a decade.

“It’s slim, trim, and to the point,” he said before taking questions from members of the media who had seen the budget on Tuesday but had been told to keep details about it under wraps.

Some of the financial reporters present seemed cynical about the figures while others were downright hostile to the “new formula.”

Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register was the first to question the 45% figure for “resident requirements.”

“How can you put everything that Park citizens require into one basket? Surely something will be left out, either by design or mistake,” he pressed.

While Struts tried to reassure him, The Salamander Evening Post’s Camlin “Cayuga” Newt broke in with criticism of the decision to lump both arts and sports events together with “Special Events.”

“You’re not fooling anybody with that figure,” he said. “Any way you look at it, we’ve lost 2% of the budget. We just don’t know where, exactly.”

The lack of transparency in the budget drew the ire of even seasoned political analysts such as Ronald Grouse. Speaking on a special edition of Yannis Tavros’s Toro Talk Radio show yesterday, The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst called the budget “the most disorderly, disorganized, and potentially dysfunctional budget” he had ever seen.

“There is almost nothing there,” he said. “There are almost no specifics. If you add up the Miscellaneous category with Residents’ Requirements, you’ve allocated more than half the budget to … what? We may never know.”

Meanwhile, advocates for better growing conditions in The Park seemed pleased by aspects of the budget.

In a joint statement released this morning, the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) and the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) praised the doubling of funds for the purchase of weather.

“It’s taken a long time for us to get our message across, but we believe we’ve finally been heard,” the statement said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life

OTD in 2012—Archons, PFO blasted over Human Direct Investment in Park

August 27, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Human giving the boot to the food requirements of Park Animals

An investigation has concluded that Human Direct Investment (HDI) in The Park is responsible for some of the food shortages that Animals have experienced over the past year.

The investigation, which was conducted over a twelve-month period by The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU) revealed that, in January of 2011, the sitting Archons, in conjunction with the Park Finance Officers, agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. The agreement explicitly allowed for use of the land for the purpose of growing food for the exclusive consumption of Humans.

“There was no stipulation as to sharing the harvest or any discussion, as far as we know, of their [the Humans’] reinvestment in The Park,” said UOU head B.N.L.Valerian Beetle at a news conference held this afternoon.

“This was a bad deal, all around,” said A.P. Civet, President of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio following the news conference.

“These so-called allotment gardens were given over for cash only, without any thought to the consequences,” she said.

It is because of those almost certain consequences that Park Animals find themselves in a state of fear this Summer, as they look at the likelihood of a truncated harvest and face the possibility of not being able to feed themselves from Park lands alone.

“Importing food is something we try to avoid at all costs…and primarily because of the cost of doing so. But, with our growing population and with the Archons not looking out for Animal welfare, it’s almost a certainty that we will have to do just that this year,” Civet said.

See also: Food production scandal rocks Park

Others in The Park, even more critical of the agreement, have turned their anger toward the Park Finance Office.

“I don’t know what they were thinking,” said A.J. Babirusa, president of the newly-formed activist group, Take Back The Park (TBTP). “You can’t eat money. They should know that,” he said.

Babirusa’s group has launched a lawsuit against the PFO, accusing it of illegally selling the rights to farmland without the consent of Park citizens.

“Archons come and go,” Babirusa said. “But the PFO should know better. They’re in charge of our welfare…or so we thought,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life

OTD in 2015—Budget 2016: Analysis and commentary

August 21, 2025 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Since their unveiling on Tuesday afternoon, The 2016 Park Expense Projections have been met with an enthusiasm not seen in the past few years. Many citizens have praised PFO head Valentina Abeja for presenting a “thoughtful” budget, while others, who may have had unrealistic expectations, have said they’re satisfied, if not outright pleased.

The Mammalian Daily had the opportunity to speak with Abeja after her Tuesday afternoon press conference. Since then, our financial, social, health, weather, and education experts have pored over the figures. We present here a point form scoring, as well as analysis and commentary:

budget 2016

  • Overall Score: 7
  • Business Support: 7
  • Research Support: 7
  • Healthcare: 4
  • Immigration and Refugee Support: 4
  • Safety and Security: 4
  • Education: 8
  • Quality of Park Life: 8
  • Environmental Impact: 10
  • Look to the Future: 10

It was a difficult budget to score fairly since, to Abeja’s credit, it took into consideration many important items for which, in the past, expenditures have not been allocated.

The Mammalian Daily gave a score of seven to items such as support for business and for research. This may seem harsh because, heretofore, there has been no budget allocation for either. We are mindful, as well, that funds are limited and we have high praise for Abeja for setting aside any funds at all. Within that framework, then, a score of seven should be seen as an overwhelmingly positive one.

Abeja said on Thursday that scrapping budget funds for tourism was high on her list and that she met with little opposition to the idea. We agree completely with this decision. Those funds have found their way into other areas that will surely benefit Park citizens more than tourism ever can.

We were alarmed at the reduction in funds for healthcare. No longer a big ticket item, Abeja has designated only eight percent of the budget for what is now termed “health and well-being.” This is an eleven percent reduction from the 2014 budget. Abeja explained that some of the healthcare funds have been re-allocated to the areas of research, food production, weather, water, and business support. After extensive consultation with health professionals and with The Park’s food and weather makers, Abeja said she decided that spending now on items that will prevent illness in the future was the best route to take. The wisdom of that decision remains to be seen, but with a constantly growing population, we are somewhat skeptical and, therefore, gave the budget a score of four for healthcare.

We were puzzled, as well, at the two percent reduction in funds for immigrant and refugee support. Abeja pointed out to us that she had doubled the funds for education, which she believed would relieve some of the burden on I and R services. She also claimed that support for Park businesses would help new Park residents support themselves financially. Once again, that remains to be seen, but since some immigration services, such as the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, receive healthcare funding, we are dismayed at the reduction of both. We, therefore, gave the budget a score of four for immigrant and refugee support.

Most notable to some in The Park was the reduction in security funding. While the 2014 budget allocated a full twenty-three percent, Abeja has reduced this to fifteen percent. Many feel she has taken a big chance by making this move. Abeja seems to be counting on her spending in other areas, such as education, arts funding, and special events, to produce peace in The Park. Recent statistics have proven, however, that certain kinds of tensions are escalating and we question whether Stereotype Sundays will be enough to keep them at bay. As well, we believe the reduction will likely over-burden volunteer peacekeepers such as the Doves and Does of Peace. For this reason, we gave the budget a score of four for safety and security.

On its own, the doubling of funds for education seems a wonderful and timely idea. While we gave the budget a score of eight for education, we remain cognizant that some of that funding came from areas that should not have seen their funds shrink. The results of this re-allocation remain to be seen.

Abeja adjusted the figures for arts and sports funding this year, equalizing them at four percent and allocating six percent for special events. We cannot quibble with this and, therefore, gave the budget a score of eight in this area for overall quality of life in The Park.

In terms of environmental impact, this budget works very well. By allocating funds directly to weather, groundskeeping, water, research, and food production, Abeja has managed to use over a third of the budget to ensure The Park’s environmental health and longevity. For this, coupled with the de-funding of tourism, which had a detrimental effect on our environment, we offer high praise and a score of ten.

Finally, whether all the changes that come with the 2016 budget work in the long run, Abeja has made every effort to ensure that this a forward-looking budget and for this reason, we have given it a score of ten in this regard. She has supported research and the environment and looked to secure a future in The Park for our citizens and residents. For this we commend Abeja and her team at the Park Finance Office.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, On This Day, Park Life Tagged With: 2016 budget, government spending

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