The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2014—Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Human: rumour

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headsNtales

Gossip site says Struts accepted food from a Human last month

Beleaguered Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is in the news again, this time for what may be a major indiscretion on his part.

The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site headsNtales is reporting that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget accepted food from a Human less than a month ago.

According to the site, Struts was strolling through The Park when he encountered a pair of adult Humans carrying a picnic basket. The site alleges that Struts “willingly” accepted an offer of food from the basket.

“This did not appear to be a case of coercion,” headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said in an interview on CLucK Radio this morning.

“From what we can tell, Struts was free to decline, but he chose not to.”

While Guacamayo claims the gossip site is in possession of photographs that prove the story, no hard evidence has appeared on the site since the original story was posted on Saturday.

If, in fact, it can be proven that Struts accepted the food, he could be found in violation of Section III.iv.vii of The Park’s Employee Conduct Act, which stipulates that no Animal currently employed by any branch of The Park’s government “shall request or accept from any Animal any form of remuneration, including currency, food, shelter, entertainment or other, inside or outside The Park.”

OTD in 2015—Noreen in talks with TMD to curate new section of newspaper: gossip site

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headsNtalesAccording to the gossip site headsNtales, Noreen is presently in negotiations with The Mammalian Daily to expand her rôle with the paper beyond that of dispensing advice.

In a post dated yesterday, the site claims that the advice columnist, best-selling author, and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier has pitched the idea of creating and curating a new section of the newspaper called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.” The new section would shine a light on Humans who have done good works for Animals.

“Let’s face it; it would be a natural fit for Noreen,” says headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo.

“Given that she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both informally and formally… and add to that her newspaper and academic credentials…who better to do this sort of work than Noreen? I think it’s a brilliant idea and only Noreen could have thought it up!” she says.

Although no formal announcement has been made by the newspaper, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas has been known as a champion of Noreen ever since she brought her to the paper over fifteen years ago.

“Haas encouraged Noreen from the get-go and she’s blossomed into a very powerful force in The Park. I can’t imagine her denying Noreen’s request. This new rôle will be good for her [Noreen] and for all of us,” Guacamayo says.

OTD in 2015—Barkettes announce collaboration with Noreen on new song called “Yield!”

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YIELD

The Barkettes’ will base their new song “Yield!” on Noreen’s 2015 UWT commencement address

BREAKING NEWS
Less than a week before the final Park performance of their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour, Thisbe and the Barkettes have thrown us a bone of our own: the announcement that they plan to collaborate with Noreen on a song based on her 2015 University of West Terrier commencement address.

In a press release issued this morning, The Park’s most beloved singing group confirmed that they have entered into an agreement with the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct professor of Human Studies for the creation and production of a new song called, “Yield!”

“Every bit of Noreen’s speech was so moving and showed so much wisdom,” the group writes in the release, “but the part called ‘Yield’ touched us like no other. It echoes what we–individually and as a group–have believed in and stood for all these years. It cried out for recognition and we felt we could not refuse it.”

The press release did not offer any time frame for the creation or production of the song but, according to the gossip site headsNtales, the group has booked a recording studio in The Park for the last two weeks of November.

OTD in 2016—Millicent Hayberry “seriously considering” POPS bid : rumour

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MillicentHayberry BREAKING NEWS

Renowned actress Millicent Hayberry is “seriously considering” running for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said Hayberry is still “conferring with those in her inner circles, both personal and professional, and likely will announce her decision in October.”

Best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, the beloved actress currently can be found onstage at the Burrow Theatre starring in Godwit: A Mystery.

If Hayberry does decide to take a run for the office, it will not be the first time that a Chipmunk has made the attempt. In 2012, Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk thew his hat in the ring and although he did not win, many credited him and Zachariah Skunk, who ran in 2011, with broadening the field and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

Hayberry still has a lot of time to make her final decision. Park Animals have until November 5, 2016 to put their names forward as candidates for POPS.

OTD in 2014—Barkettes planning reunion: gossip site

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headsNtales

Gossip site headsNtales claims the Barkettes plan to reunite

Gossip site headsNtales says it is standing by a story it posted on Thursday night, claiming that a Barkettes reunion is in the works.

The site’s co-founder, Hortencia Guacamayo, confirmed that she has two sources with connections to Estelle, one of the Barkettes, who have guaranteed the veracity of the story.

“Without that, we wouldn’t have gone ahead with it,” Guacamayo said in a telephone interview this morning. “What would be the point?”

The Barkettes, along with Thisbe, their lead singer and the founder of the legendary group, have not performed together since 2007 (25 AZ). The previous year, the group embarked on its farewell tour but the tour was cut short due to Thisbe’s ill health. She has since kept a low profile, appearing only once with the Barkettes, on the occasion of the debut of “I Love a Man in a Collar,” Rauf Wiedersehen Shepherd’s documentary about the group that opened the 2012 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

R.F. Aarrf, President of the Canine Music Association (CMA), said he wasn’t surprised to read of a possible reunion, but he would need more details to take it seriously.

“In the last five years, there have been at least ten stories claiming that a reunion or a new tour was being planned. When I see a date, or when Thisbe confirms, or when they start to sell tickets, then I’ll know it’s really happening,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Gossip site: “We have official special invitee list from Park Museum opening.”

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headsNtalesThe gossip site headsNtales claims to have in its possession the names of all the Animals who were specially invited to Saturday’s opening of The Park Museum.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says that headsNtales will be publishing the full list on the site later this week.

“It’s our right to know which Animals the Board of Governors felt were special enough to invite to their exclusive opening,” Guacamayo says. “Their slogan says that it’s our museum, but on Saturday it was a little bit more their museum than ours.”

OTD in 2017—Chief Archon Kuttu said to be “very involved” in Groundhog Day planning

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Groundhog Day celebrationsNewly-selected Chief Archon, Klarissa Kuttu, is reportedly “very involved” in the planning of this year’s Groundhog Day celebration.

According to a post on the gossip web site, headsNtales, the Chief Archon, who was sworn in on January 16, called a meeting the same afternoon to discuss plans for the upcoming event.

The post, which was dated January 22, quotes an unnamed source “close to the Archons” as saying it was “more of a summoning than a meeting.”

According to the source, those present included all 34 new Archons, staff from the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the event’s chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., Fleck + Stone’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, historian Clark Cascanueces and University of West Terrier history professor Beatrice Zilonis, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), and representatives of the Park Police and the Does of Peace.

To date, very few new Chief Archons have been involved in Groundhog Day planning. George Frederick Grouse, who served as Chief Archon in 2008, said he was surprised when he read the post.

“The plans and budget are usually in place before the new Archons are selected,” he said. “There is very little time to get involved with the event and I don’t know why she [Kuttu] would want to. I’d think she’d be involved in writing her address and setting out the Archons’ plans for the year,” he said.

The Mammalian Daily has reached out to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations for comment, but thus far she has not responded.

OTD in 2015—Whistlepig sidelined this year by effects of 2014 premature awakening: rumour

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This year's enhanced Groundhog Day celebrations came as a surprise to festival organizers and Park citizens alikeWyatt Whistlepig, Jr. may not be well enough to attend this year’s Groundhog Day ceremonies, according to a recent post on the gossip web site headsNtales.

The site quotes a friend of Whistlepig, who claims the chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations has not been well since last year’s shadow controversy occurred.

“He was forced to stay awake in order to deal with the whole mess surrounding the prognostication. He meant to return to hibernation, but it dragged on too long. His health has been fragile ever since,” says Elmo Sopuli.

According to Sopuli, Whistlepig had been seeing Dr. Bourru on a regular basis for thermal therapy until he went into hibernation in November. Sopuli says that Dr. Bourru did not think it wise for Whistlepig to be awakened for the ceremonies this year.

“Wyatt shivered through most of the year and experienced a good deal of confusion in the Spring. I wouldn’t want to see him go through that again,” Sopuli says.

Despite his troubles, Whistlepig managed to organize what Sopuli and others are predicting will be the “greatest Groundhog Day celebration ever.”

According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, this year’s event will be the most jam-packed one yet, with more floats, more music, more food, and even a new dance choreographed by Herman Stoat.

“We’re going to make history this year,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department.

OTD in 2014—Gossip site reports Tab Tricolore sighting at Park’s west entrance

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headsNtalesDEVELOPING STORY
Gossip site headsNtales is reporting that renowned Park chef Tab Tricolore was sighted at The Park’s west entrance on Thursday, December 25.

The site’s co-founder, Hortencia Guacamayo, confirms that she has three separate sources who claim they saw Tricolore scurrying across the western border and into The Park on the evening of December 25.

The sources, who are known to the site but whose names have not yet been released, tell the same story, Guacamayo says.

“They say they saw a pair of Humans opening the door to a mobile prison cell … the description each [source] gave was the same and it sounded like the kind of thing that [Footpad Heaven manager] Adamma Bandicoot described when she saw Tab arrested,” says Guacamayo.

All three sources say they saw Tab run out the door of the prison cell, cross the border and enter the Park at the western end. None of the sources has seen him since.

Guacamayo says the three are “one hundred per cent certain” that the Animal they saw was Tricolore.

The Humans, according to the sources, picked up the prison cell and walked away.

“They were out of sight within a few minutes, but they turned around once to watch Tab scurry away,” Guacamayo reports.

“And according to one source, they looked sad. But another said they were smiling,” she says.

OTD in 2013—Gossip site hints at new Mammalian Daily rôle for Noreen

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headsNtales logo

Popular columnist Noreen may not be dispensing advice at The Mammalian Daily for much longer, if a popular Park gossipmonger’s sources are correct.

According to headsNtales, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site, Noreen is currently in talks with several Park newspapers to expand her rôle beyond that of counselling Animals on how to live happily with Humans.

In keeping with her present position as adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, Noreen is said to be keen on bringing her academic credentials to her newspaper writing.

“Noreen would like to share the knowledge of Humans that she has acquired over her lifetime with more of the general public,” says a source close to the columnist.

“Rather than answering Animals’ questions, she would like to offer something more substantial in a regular column or essay. She believes that many Animals are lacking knowledge of Human history, for example, and she would like to fill that gap so that Animals can better understand the world around them and make better-informed choices.”

If these are indeed Noreen’s wishes, they may well fall in line with the intentions of the University of West Terrier. While there has been no final word on the subject from the UWT Board of Governors, rumours have suggested the school is considering a major expansion of its Department of Human Studies.

Meanwhile, Noreen remains silent on her plans for the future and has declined to comment on any rumours.

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