The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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September on our minds

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The Park is a busy place in the Autumn, so The Mammalian Daily is giving you a heads-up on some of what’s in store for September 2018.

Ready, set, mark your calendars!

 

Official end of estivationEnd of EstivationMouse and balloons
It’s time to welcome back our friends and fellow Park residents!

Let the celebrations begin on September 14!

Beats in the Bar
Formerly known as the Open Mic, the now annual Beats in the Bar takes place this year at The Draft from September 1-9. Come out and play! Who knows—you may find yourself performing at the Beats of Burden Musical Festival!

The Beats of Burden Music FestivalBeats of Burden logo
The sixth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival promises three days and three nights of continuous music-making, with all our great bands and singers performing in aid of The Park’s refugees. Expect some surprises (as well as surprise appearances) along with the great sounds. And don’t forget the fabulous food and all sorts of other fun September 15-17.

Park ART Walk (PAW)
Now on a new day that allows our estivators to take part, the annual Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 12th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, September 22, 2018 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas.

The Park’s Semi-Annual “Shakeoff”
The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" have changedIt’s all about Animals helping Animals at The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff.” The event encourages Animals to donate their hair in aid of those whose coats can’t protect them from the harsh elements. In addition to helping others, you can also partake of free refreshments and get a new hairstyle from our on-site groomers (gratis, of course!). September 27
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”  

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Mark your calendars for these important February 2018 Park events

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February is a busy and emotional time in The Park and this year will be no exception. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

 

February 1: Get up! Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day!
Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until the weekend, with all the partying you’re going to do! And make sure you look your best, at least at the start of the celebration, by booking some time at any of The Park’s finest grooming houses.

 

February 2: Groundhog Day
This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear 2018 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) Sauville Otave Marmotte tell us what the weather has in store for us and then we’ll hear from the new Archons about what our government has in store for us! Festivities start at 7:00 a.m. and go on forever and ever, with the food stations open a full twenty-four hours (8:00 a.m. on February 2 until 8:00 a.m. on February 3). Click on the schedule to the right for a full view.

And don’t forget the Early Risers’ after-party and the after-after parties after that!

February 2-9: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales
Whether or not our 2018 POPS, Sauville Otave Marmotte, predicts an early Spring, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1, as well as all day on Groundhog Day, too!

February 4: Spend an afternoon at The Park Museum with Karlheinz Beaver
The designer of the 2018 prognostication pad will formally add his blueprints to the museum’s current exhibition, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads.” Afterwards, he’ll host a Q&A session with attendees regarding the pad’s design and functionality. Refreshments will be served courtesy of The PurrBoy Café.

Don’t miss this event at The Park Museum on Sunday, 4 February 2018, from 1:00 p.m. until 5:00 p.m.

3d-tabby-king-croppedFebruary 14: Anniversary of the birth of Jor
He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.


Hieronymous Hedgehog February 19: Official End of Hibernation
Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.

Keeper of the NutFebruary 20: Return of the Nut
This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year, it will be 2018 Keeper of the Nut Armas Jänis who will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!

Have a great February, everybody!

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Full schedule of events released for 2018 Groundhog Day celebrations

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The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations (DHFC) has released the Official Schedule of the 2018 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a short press conference this afternoon, DHFC Director of Public Relations Aintza Kanariar used the word, “stupendous,” as she rhymed off the names of the performers, games, acts, and more that will make up what some in The Park consider the most important event of the year.

“There is not only something for everyone to enjoy at this year’s celebration,” she said, “but almost too much.”

Kanariar went even further, saying it was not just the quantity of the “non-stop fun,” but the quality that will make this year’s Groundhog Day memorable.

“After more than thirty-five years of zoocracy, The Park can truthfully say it has an unrivalled depth of talent,” she said. She also joked that the official celebration would “give the Early Risers a run for their money.”

For the past few years, The Park’s Early Risers, who end their hibernation on Groundhog Day instead of on the traditional date of February 19, have hosted legendary after-parties.

Kanariar also announced an addendum to the official schedule, which was released a few days ago.

“We will officially acknowledge the life and work of Egerton Vole, who died on January 25, after serving only nine days as Archon. The Archons’ Address, which will be read by Chief Archon Iolana Camira Whooping Crane, will also include some words about Vole, she said. And a tribute to Vole during the Groundhog Day parade will include a performance by the All Rodent Marching Band, but Kanariar would not say whether a new float would be part of that tribute.

For the first time since their bassist Zuberi Tembo died, the Endeka Elephant Band will play during the parade, as well. There will only be nine band members playing, however, because Árvakur Fíl, the band’s drummer, is serving as Archon this year.

Kanariar said we can expect the parade to include a “host of new floats,” several of which will acknowledge The Park’s endangered species.

New this year will be a poetry reading by members of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony.

In addition to the special appearance by Thisbe and the Barkettes, the following musicians will participate in the event:

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
Persistent Sisters
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
BHR (Big Hearts Rule) formerly NIML (Not In My Lifetime)
Fish Rap

As is always the case, one of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations will be the food. Renowned Chef Tab Triolore will reprise his “feral buffet” and supply delicious non-perishables from his newly-opened restaurant grassRoutes.  Other food purveyors include The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will serve a full breakfast just after the Archons’ Address. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

And, again, this year, food will be served for twenty-four hours straight.

“We’re going through from eight in the morning on the second [of February] until eight in the morning on the third,” Kanariar said.

And, don’t forget: the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.

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Mark your calendars for these important January 2018 events

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Put this on your calendarJanuary is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic
Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the first time since its opening in August 2012, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome Park residents from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, including the newest treatment options. Refreshments will be served.

January 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his nineteenth. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

Until February 14: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

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Winter Solstice 2017: A warm welcome to Winter and a celebration of life in The Park

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The biggest bash of the year is about to begin.

The 2017 Celebration of the Winter Solstice kicks off at sunrise—7:48 to be exact—and will continue on, officially, until 3:00 in the morning on December 22.

“This will be a special celebration…one of a kind and definitely one to remember,” director of public relations Aintza Kanariar said yesterday, as she announced the official schedule as per the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

This year’s festival will have two themes: the celebration of the Winter Solstice and the celebration of Animal self-rule.

“We deliberated on it a long time but we decided that celebrating Animal self-rule was worth breaking rules for,” Kanariar said, referring to longstanding regulations that prohibit anything political to be a part of the annual celebration.

In fact, Kanariar confirmed, the programme for the event will even include the reading of passages from “George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert: The Tabby King,” Yoshita Tigru’s bestselling biography of The Park’s first leader.

A highlight of this year’s event will be a performance piece called, “Ελευθερία (Eleftheria).” The piece is a collaborative effort of the Herman Stoat Dance Company and the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company. A celebration of Zoocracy35, the 20-minute performance combines music, dance, pantomime, gymnastics, poetry, and rap.

Also on the schedule is the screening of a special video by renowned actress Millicent Hayberry, who is currently in hibernation. She left the video, in which she reportedly waxes lyrical about zoocracy and Park life, with the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations before going into hibernation.

Other highlights of the celebration include:

  • Jugglers, clowns, and three Human imitators will provide entertainment throughout the celebration
  • Students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will be providing free tail-painting and whisker-twisting for young participants
  • Costume dress-up events will be hosted hourly by the Park Historical Society
  • Storytelling
  • Harmonious Hannah and Humphrey will be on hand for selfies throughout the festivities

The list of Park music makers who will perform appears below in order of appearance. Kanariar would not confirm rumours that Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte will join the All Rodent Marching Band in a celebration of the involvement of The Park’s Rodent community in zoocracy.

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
Persistent Sisters
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
BHR (Big Hearts Rule) formerly NIML (Not In My Lifetime)
Fish Rap

As ever, a major component of the celebration will be the food. This year, celebrity chef Tab Tricolore will be preparing “food of the feral world” on site at a “feral buffet,” as well as supplying non-perishables from his newly-opened restaurant grassRoutes.  Other food purveyors include The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will be once again be serving a full breakfast just after the solstice occurs. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at 7:48 a.m. (sunrise) on December 21. Food will be served throughout the event. The Solstice will occur at 11:48 a.m. Local Park Time (LPT).

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“The Park Before YOU:” Zoocracy 35 mega project aims to inspire youth with a year-long romp through Park history

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zoocracy-35What began as a casual conversation between two University of West Terrier professors has grown into a mega project that they hope will arouse curiosity in young Animals about The Park’s past and inspire them to think more deeply about their own rôle in its future.

Called “The Park Before YOU,” the project is the brainchild of historian Beatrice Zilonis and Domoina Fossa of the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education. The multi-faceted, multimedia project was developed with funding from the Archons’ Zoocracy 35 Grant Program.

Using audio, video, live theatre, stand-up comedy, and even a half-hour original musical, the project will trace life in The Park from its very beginnings to the present day.

“We want this to be a rich, multidimensional experience for the young,” Zilonis said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning. “We want to pique their interest and nudge them in the direction of curiosity, instead of herding them into a classroom to hear a lecture on the wonder of Animal self-rule.”

Although the project had its impetus in that casual conversation more than a year ago, the idea had been brewing in the minds of both professors, after results of several studies indicated that The Park’s young lacked historical perspective and weren’t very interested in zoocracy or politics.

“Delia Quagga [head of the UWT Barnaby School of Government] did a study that showed Park citizens are not as politically savvy as in previous decades and we both thought we wanted to nip that in the bud,” Zilonis said in her radio interview. “The last thing we want is for that lack of interest to be passed down to the next generation.”

The Park Before YOU will run an entire year and talks about a permanent installation are underway with both The Park Museum and the University of West Terrier, Zilonis said.

Tomorrow night will mark the project’s beginning, with the screening at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre of a series of animated short films about Animal self-rule.

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Archons expected to announce funding for Barkettes museum by end of month

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barkettes-all-the-hair-i-left-behindThe 2017 Archons are expected to announce funding for a Barkettes museum before the end of this month, a source close to the governing body has told The Mammalian Daily.

According to the source, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu put the project to a vote last week and it was unanimously passed. Funding for the museum is expected to be spread out over time and allocated in the next five budgets. Thisbe and the Barkettes were not consulted by the Archons, but they were made aware of the impending vote.

In October of 2015, the Canine Music Association teamed up with the Park Historical Society to push for a museum to honour the beloved group, who just this month donated a new song to the cause of enforced domestication awareness. CMA president R.F. Aarrf and Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces  called it a “travesty” that the Barkettes had not been honoured properly in The Park.

“The Barkettes broke the species barrier when it came to music and they paved the way for the success of all other Park musicians. We are long overdue in honouring them by keeping their accomplishments alive for the next generations,” Cascanueces said when he and Aarrf launched a petition to pressure the Archons to establish the museum.

Currently, the Barkettes retain possession of most of their memorabilia, but in April of 2015, they donated the original sheet music and some early drafts of the lyrics of “Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed” to The Park Museum.

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For EDAM: June 10 Aracari performance to be free of charge and for Avians only

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MillicentHayberry NewsBit
For the first time in the history of Park theatre, a scheduled performance of a play will not only be free of charge to patrons, but those patrons will all be from one particular group: Birds.

In an announcement today on Twitter, Millicent Hayberry confirmed what she called the “big news” about her new mystery play, Aracari, which opened to rave reviews this past weekend and which marked her directorial début.

Tickets for the evening performance on June 10 will be on sale at The Burrow Theatre box office only, beginning at noon today.

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All The Hair I Left Behind: Barkettes to donate new song to EDAM cause

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barkettes-all-the-hair-i-left-behindOnce again demonstrating their generosity of spirit, Thisbe and the Barkettes have donated the proceeds from their newest song to the cause of Enforced Domestication Awareness.

In an open letter published today, The Park’s most famous Canine singing group said it would be “their great honour” to donate the proceeds of the song, “All The Hair I Left Behind” to the cause of preventing the enforced domestication of Animals.

“As you know, some of us in the group spent our youth as domestic Animals and although we were lucky enough not to have suffered in that situation, we are well aware of the plight of others,” the letter begins.

The new song, which was recorded in studio just a month ago, will be available for purchase at stores throughout The Park, as well as at all EDAM events. Sources also say a pop-up shop will open during June, but The Mammalian Daily could not confirm that with Rotunda Records, Iglu Entertainment, or the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft.

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Hayberry drops diva demeanour, plans pre-gala meet and greet with fans

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MillicentHayberry Renowned actress Millicent Hayberry will not be leaving the building early. In fact, she’ll be there well ahead of schedule.

In an open letter that was published media-wide today, the actress issued an invitation to her loyal fans to attend a meet and greet event with her at The Burrow Theatre on Friday, June 2—one day before the gala opening of her new play, Aracari.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, is not only the star of the second play of Gianfranco Colocolo’s three-part mystery series, but she is also its director.

Tickets for the gala opening were quickly snapped up after going on sale Monday and, according to Hayberry, she wanted to respond to the disappointment of many of her fans. After The Burrow Theatre gave its permission, she decided to host a pre-gala event to thank her “beloved fans” for their continuing loyalty.

It is a bold and somewhat dangerous move, and one that few actors would make.

“Had I been her director this time around, I would have forbidden it,” says Jean-Luc Briard, who directed Hayberry last year in Godwit, the first of the Colocolo mystery series.

“It’s too risky,” he said. “Too many things can go wrong. Actors need to keep themselves focused on the play and avoid all distractions.”

Nevertheless, Hayberry says she’ll be greeting fans at The Burrow Theatre from ten o’clock in the morning until “the last of my fans returns home.” No tickets are required, but be prepared for a long lineup.

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