The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2011—Inktvis and Krake perform at annual Snowbird sendoff

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Inktvis and Krake, the current darlings of The Park’s musical scene, performed before a packed crowd at last night’s Snowbird Farewell. The pair played alongside The Canary Cousins and the rap group, The Tweeters, marking the first time in Park history that non-Avian musicians have been invited to perform at the annual festival.

“We were delighted that they accepted [our invitation],” said Arabella Hawk, spokesBird for the yearly event.  “The more species that come out to participate in our celebration, the more the Avian citizens of The Park feel the love. It helps us to know that we’ll be welcome when we return in the Spring.”

The aquatic pair performed a selection of songs and instrumentals from their earlier recordings as well as their current hit, 3 Hearts, 1 Head. As the festival drew to a close, they returned to the stage to sing backup for The Canary Cousins during their encore of Life is Tweet.

 

OTD in 2016—Stan the Spitman speaks out about the use and misuse of his product at PIFF

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalLess than a week after the end of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF), Stan the Spitman is speaking out about the unlawful use of his product at PIFF events.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Burro Beacon, Estanislao “Stan” Gonzalo de Llama condemned in no uncertain terms what some Animals did with his product at the film festival. And he let it be known that he intends to put a stop to it.

“I am proud of what I make and I don’t make it to be used to attack others, particularly others whose species or politics differ from my own,” he wrote in the newspaper.

The second generation SpitMeister (master of the art of spitmaking) was referring to the repeated use of spitballs at the screening of WINK, which opened the festival on October 1. Police charged twenty-one Animals with crimes of a specist nature after they threw spitballs at the director and other attendees as they entered the Park Cinema.

Although Stan has never condoned that sort of behaviour, he expressed a different view about it in Searching for the Spitman: A Journey Through Foam, Froth, and Fun, a film about his life that premiered at PIFF 2015.

In that film, he estimated that ninety per cent of his products go toward humiliating other Animals.

“It’s a fact of life in the profession,” he said. “But it doesn’t keep me up at night.”

In today’s o-ed piece, however, he said he’d changed his mind after witnessing events at this year’s festival.

“I can’t stand by and watch Animals use my product that way anymore,” he wrote. “It needs to stop.”

OTD in 2016—Harvest Festival organizers issue edict: no woes allowed

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Harvest FestivalIt’s official. The organizers of Tuesday’s Harvest Festival have issued an edict barring the advancement of any political or other agenda at this year’s event. And, in doing so, they claim to have the full backing of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

The edict is in keeping with last year’s decision not to allow The Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) and the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) to host information booths at the Autumn celebration.

In a statement released late yesterday afternoon, the organizers said the festival “forbids any Animal or organization of Animals to “establish a presence at the Festival for the purpose of disseminating information unrelated to the Festival and/or of advancing a political or social agenda.”

The statement concludes by saying that the Harvest Festival is meant to be a “happy” event, a “celebration of our work and of our bounty,” and that all Animals are entitled to feel “joy and safety there, no matter what their beliefs are.”

OTD in 2016—Officer charged with injuring Doe of Peace at PIFF after-after party

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Police Officer charged

FCSW officer Paulus Koer

A Park Police officer has been charged with two counts of biting after a member of The Park’s peacekeeping force was injured during an outbreak of violence at last night’s PIFF after-after party.

Witnesses say that Doe of Peace Rozmonda Ricke, was “just doing her job,” separating the crowd at The PurrBoy Café, when a member of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) approached her from behind and pulled her tail.

According to Ricke, who has been a member of the Does since the group was founded in 2014, there was “no time” to look around to see what was happening.

“I was focused on my job, which was to de-escalate the violence that suddenly had erupted at the café,” she said in a sworn statement early this morning.

When she did not respond to the tail-pulling, Paulus Koer, the FCSW officer, allegedly bit her on the back in an attempt to stop her from walking through the crowd. According to his statement, the second bite was necessary because the alleged victim “paid no attention to my first warning.”

The FCSW officer will appear in court today, where a date for trial will be set.

FCSW president Gareth Shepherd is expected to hold a press conference later this afternoon.

OTD in 2013—Review: Shoot the Messenger

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TMD Backstage Pass PIFF 2013

DETAILS

Director
George Angus Doo

Actors
Eamon Colm
Gerlinde Taube
Natalia Paloma
Agostinho Pombo
Cynthia Offam (Human)
Derek Columbo (Human)
Winston Blackman (Human)

Screenings
October 1, 8:00 pm, Park Cinema
October 4, 5:00 pm, Park Cinema

Runtime
85 minutes

THREE minutes into George Angus Doo’s latest film, Shoot the Messenger, the screen goes dark. In the silence, the viewer is left to ponder what has just occurred: a shot fired into the brightly lit sky, the loud thumping noise that follows, the sound of boots running across grass and fallen leaves in the swamp-like environment.

When light and action return to the screen, we face six Humans at trial, recalling those elements from the witness stand. To his credit, Doo reveals little about the location of the court and the crime; the alleged perpetrators, plaintiff, judge and jury stand as EveryHuman or AnyHuman. But the trial is not an indictment of that species; rather, it is an examination of the complicated relationship between Doo’s own species — the Pigeon — and Humans. In many ways, as Doo said earlier this year, that relationship is “one of mutual respect and dependence.” But this film is less celebratory of that aspect than it is revelatory of the conflict, fed by ignorance, that is an integral part of the interactions between Pigeons and Humans.

The sportsmen at trial know very little, if anything, about the species they shoot at for sport. They have read no history and, therefore, feel no moral obligation to a species that has saved countless Human lives. As a result, they are puzzled by their obligation to appear in court and angered by the charges of wrongdoing.

“What kind of world is this now?” one of the accused asks aloud. It is not a rhetorical question. The world in which he grew up, he tells the court, was one in which shooting and hunting were respected activities.

“Now, what is it that we’re supposed to do?” he asks earnestly.

The film does not answer this question or any others; instead, it presents the accused and the viewer with even more questions as it explores not only the fraught relationship between the two species but that among Humans, themselves.

In this 2013 Winkie Award-winning film, Doo does a remarkable job of preserving the dignity of the characters while indicting and convicting the real perpetrator of the crime: ignorance.

OTD in 2014—One last assignment: Noreen to cover Frankfurt Book Fair before leave starts

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Noreen official badge portraitNoreen will be taking a short break from her work here at The Mammalian Daily in order to promote her book, Lovely To Look At.

But before her leave starts on November 1, she has accepted one last Mammalian Daily assignment: covering the Frankfurt Book Fair in early October.

In a press release dated today, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed both Noreen’s six-month leave from the paper and her last assignment:

It is with great pleasure that we announce today that our advice columnist Noreen will be taking a six-month leave of absence commencing November 1. She will be spending that time promoting her book, Lovely To Look At.

Before she leaves us, though, Noreen has accepted one last assignment. She will be covering the Frankfurt Book Fair between October 8 and October 12. We take pride in being the only Park newspaper to be sending a correspondent to the largest book fair in the world.

Although we will miss her come November, all of us at The Mammalian Daily wish her great success in this and in her future endeavours.” 

Stay connected to Noreen by following her Twitter: Noreen reporting from the Frankfurt Book Fair

OTD in 2012—PIFF 2012: Festival frenzy grips Park

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The Park is in a party mood, as anticipation mounts on the eve of the opening of the 8th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

“It’s game on! We’re ready!” announced PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot at the final pre-opening press conference this afternoon. “This is going to be the biggest and best film festival The Park has ever seen,” she said.

Festival goers appear to agree. Tickets were snapped up earlier than in previous years, with new events such as Noon Nuttiness and PIFF Pockets attracting a younger crowd.

“It [PIFF] is no longer an adults-only event,” said Ocelot, who confirmed that twenty-five percent of tickets were sold to those under five years of age.

“They bought up Noon Nuttiness and also went for the PIFF Pocket Films. We didn’t expect that at all,” she said.

Meanwhile, adult film fans were busy primping and preening in anticipation of five days of screenings, celebrity sightings and top-secret social events.

“We haven’t had an opening in days,” said Amoltrud’s Aesthetics’ groomer Elspeth Rinder. “We have a waiting list the size of a Python,” she said.

The Park’s other grooming houses reported the same situation.

“We had to lock our doors and pretend we were closed,” said stylist Tano Pagun of The Pluming Room. “We were afraid that, otherwise, we’d see fur and feathers fly.”

The festival will open tomorrow night with “I Love a Man in a Collar”, the much-anticipated documentary about Thisbe and the Barkettes. All eyes will be on the front row, as film goers attempt to catch a glimpse of The Park’s most famous singing group, who have confirmed they will attend the documentary’s debut. The five members have not been seen together for a number of years.

Other highly anticipated events include the opening night gala at Clowder and the Cackle-ary hosted by GooseBook.

The Mammalian Daily plans to publish full details of events in the coming days.

OTD in 2014—Phoebe to read from award-winning book at The Squeakeasy on Tuesday

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Phoebic verses

“The Shy Poet” will read her from work Tuesday

Tuesday night is poetry night at The Squeakeasy but this coming Tuesday will see something unique: Phoebe will be reading from her award-winning book, Phoebic Verses.

“This is a first for Phoebe, and we’re thrilled that she’s agreed to do it,” says Kezban Aslan, manager of Kynikos Press, the book’s publisher.

Known in The Park as “The Shy Poet,” Phoebe did not even attend this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards, at which both she and her work were awarded all three of the prizes for which they were nominated.

Phoebe, herself, won the prize for Most Promising Newcomer, while the book won the award for poetry. The surprise came when Phoebic Verses was awarded the prize in the humour category.

“We were thrilled enough with the nomination because it was the first time in the history of the awards that a book of poetry had been nominated for humour. But winning sent us over the Moon,” Aslan says.

While the growing popularity of Domestic Canine poetry may have aided Phoebe in her sweep, Park readers unanimously endorse her gift for poetry and for expressing  “what many feel but few can say.”

Phoebe’s reading at The Squeakeasy will begin at 8:00 p.m. on Tuesday, September 23, 2014. Doors open at 6:00 p.m.

OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

OTD in 2016—The Endeka Elephant Band plays on without its beloved bassist

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Tembo bass

Zuberi Tembo’s bass stood in front of the band last night at the Beats of Burden Music Festival

The ten remaining members of The Endeka Elephant Band took to the stage last night for the first time since the death this past July of their beloved bassist, Zuberi Tembo.

In an emotional mid-set tribute during the first night of the Beats of Burden Music Festival, each member of the band placed a rose at the foot of Tembo’s bass, which stood at the front of the stage for the entirety of their set.

It was a fitting acknowledgement of the Elephant they described as “a gentle soul who loved music and valued freedom.”

“Even though we miss him terribly, we know that Zuberi’s spirit is with us now and will live on forever in the music he made, in the work he did, and in his tireless fight for freedom,” band member Árvakur Fíl said.

The band followed that with a sweet and tearful rendition of “Recollections” and ended their set with “Seismic Connections.” They returned for only one encore: Tembo’s rousing, “Food For All.”

The Endeka Elephant Band returns tonight to play one last set at the festival.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival continues until midnight 18 September 2016.

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