The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2016—October 28: Your Election update in five

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pops-election-reporter

Welcome to Your Election Update in Five Points

As of today, this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • The Park Museum will host its first pop-up exhibition from October 31-November 17. Entitled “Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt,” the multimedia exhibit will “honour the POPS election process as well as this year’s unconventional campaign.” The exhibit will showcase material related to the 2003 decision by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to open the position of POPS to elections. It will also feature memorabilia from past campaigns, including posters, flyers, buttons, newspaper interviews, television and radio interviews and recorded speeches
  • Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System, said in an interview today that “hundreds” of POPS candidates are anti-sortitionists and have entered the race in order to destroy our current political system. So far, no candidate has responded to her charge
  • The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations continues to take flack for their decision to hire Fleck + Stone to design what is now being called the “posh pad.” Other prognostication pad designers are said to be banding together to fight the decision
  • Celebrity Chef Tab Tricolore has made an ad warning Animals not to vote for Yannis Tavros. The two fought for months over Tricolore’s policy of allowing only striped Animals into The Tabby Club until Tricolore opened the pub up to all during the five days of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)
  • Rumour has it that psychotherapist and Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff member Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon is at work on a book called, “POPS Psychology.” The book analyzes the psychological makeup of a Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) and discusses the toll the stress of the prediction takes on the successful candidate

OTD in 2012—A call for calm as Archons outlaw Noon Nuttiness rioters

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The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace called for calm this morning, after a special meeting of the Archons resulted in the outlawing of the group responsible for the Noon Nuttiness violence on October 4.

In a statement read at a hastily-convened press conference, Raymond H. Mink, Chief Officer of Peace, asked all Park residents to respect the decision of the Archons to outlaw membership in Realidad Incorporated.

“Our governing body has seen fit to take action against those who, in an ongoing way, seek to disturb the peaceful ambience of our Park. I would ask that all Park residents respect this decision and that those who take issue with it do so in a peaceful and calm manner, as per the laws of The Park,” the statement read in part.

The Archons’ decision comes four days after GooseBook announced that it has filed a suit for damages against the group, whose members destroyed hundreds of the cackle™–enabled devices the company had lent to a film festival audience. The audience members had assembled at the Park Cinema to view the comedy, Kribbles, which was screened as part of the Noon Nuttiness component of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF). Just as the film began, members of Realidad Incorporated grabbed the devices from audience members. The group later issued a statement explaining that their actions had been a protest against cackle™, a new “happy only” social networking site that is owned by GooseBook.

In a written statement released this afternoon, the Archons cited a number of factors that influenced their decision, including what they termed “an unprecedented degree of tension among Park citizens” and “the need to preserve peace at all costs throughout The Park”.

OTD in 2016—October 25: Your election update in five

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pops-election-reporterWelcome to Your Election Update in Five Points.

As of today (October 25), this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • Yannis Tavros has hired Raimundo Zorro as his campaign manager
  • Millicent Hayberry announced that she will run her own campaign
  • Park Election Office says it’s overwhelmed by applications
  • Gunnar Rotte takes his “unfit to predict” campaign to The Park’s commercial district tomorrow
  • Douglas Cheetah announced today that he is filming the entire campaign for a documentary to be screened at PIFF 2017

OTD in 2016—PEO head says he’s “bracing for a wild ride” in run-up to POPS election

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ballot-boxGerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office (PEO), says he’s “bracing for a wild ride” in the run-up to this year’s election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

In a short interview yesterday afternoon, Wezel lamented that some “high-profile candidates” had thrown his office into a tizzy.

Taking a short lunch break at one of the two offices occupied by the PEO, Wezel opined that the POPS elections were getting out of hand and “straying from the original intent” set forth by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in his landmark ruling in 2003.

The PEO head estimates that his office is likely to process more than a thousand registration forms before the deadline of November 5, which is an increase of more than one hundred and fifty percent over last year.

Wezel’s concerns about the POPS elections aren’t new, nor are they only his. Two years ago, he met with the Archons to suggest ways in which they might keep the numbers down and focus on candidate appropriateness. His suggestion that candidates meet specific qualifications was met with resistance, but even at the time they acknowledged they would have to find a solution to the ever-increasing number.

“I try to stay impartial, but I do believe that they’ve stirred the pot once too often,” Wezel said. “Now, all Animals believe they’re qualified to become POPS and make a Groundhog Day prediction.”

In case you are thinking about standing as a candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), this is what you should know:

JUST THE FACTS

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

OTD in 2016—ZEAL, Stinktier make peace at Snowbird Farewell

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zeal-stinktier

Zeal and Faramund Stinktier at Snowbird Farewell

Popular Park singer ZEAL and Faramund Stinktier of the SCENTient Beings duo set aside their differences yesterday to play an emotional set together at the annual Snowbird Farewell.

It was an intense few minutes, not only for the two musicians but for all the celebrants at the annual gathering in honour of The Park’s Avian migrators. A few seconds after concluding the duo’s greatest hit, “Beings and Nuttiness,” the father of Reekabilly music ushered his singing partner Harimann Stinktier off the stage and invited ZEAL to come up and perform with him.

A very surprised ZEAL graciously accepted the invitation, and they sang three songs—two of ZEAL’s and one of the Beings’—before they left the stage.

Asked later by a reporter whether he’d planned the move, Stinktier said he hadn’t.

“I saw him [ZEAL] standing there in the audience and, you know, we haven’t spoken since he backed out of performing at the Winter Solstice celebrations because of my decision to transition to a Zebra. But when I saw him, it just made sense to me to give it a try. I didn’t ask him for understanding and we have no plans to sing together again. It was just a moment and that moment seemed right for us to bring harmony to the event,” he said.

ZEAL has not said anything about his performance yesterday.

OTD in 2016—Yannis Tavros grabs the spotlight by announcing his candidacy for POPS

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tavros-poster-sans-wallOn a day when many thought it would be Millicent Hayberry who would be announcing her candidacy for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), it was, instead, radio talk show host Yannis Tavros who bulldozed his way into the headlines by announcing that he will stand for the position in November.

At what he called a “press rally” outside the law courts this morning, Tavros handed out postcards, flyers, and brochures before making his official announcement.

“As many of you know, I have taken a leave of absence from my job as talk show host at Toro Talk Radio. The reason for that is simple: I have just added my name to the list of contenders for the position of 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring,” he said.

The crowd that had gathered behind members of the press cheered him on, as he promised to make “the most accurate and the best prediction ever” come Groundhog Day.

“I am the most qualified, most astute Animal of all those who are running for this position. And I’m also the most sensitive to the weather, so there is no doubt in my mind that my prediction will not only be accurate, but it will be the best prediction ever made in the history of Groundhog Day predictions,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Less than three weeks left to confirm your eligibility for Archon selection: DPA

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Do your duty: Confirm your eligibility for Archon selection by the end of October

The Department of Political Administration (DPA) has issued a reminder to all Park citizens: you have until the end of October to confirm your eligibility to stand as a candidate for Archon.

“The department wishes to remind all adult Park citizens that, by law, they must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon and they must do so by the end of October,” says the reminder.

According to the rules of zoocracy, illness constitutes the only exception to this rule. Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the department of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Since sortition is the method by which we select Archons, we depend on the full cooperation of adult citizens,” DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi said in a radio interview this morning.

And lest you consider withholding your name for any reason, Fourmi reminded listeners that last year, one citizen did just that and found himself charged and convicted  of “Cease to Care.”

“Because all of this was established at the time of zoocracy as an obligation of citizenship, we take it very seriously when Animals refuse to participate,” she said.

OTD in 2016—On the docket: these are the trials to follow this October

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Mr Justice Augustus Dindon

The law courts will be busy this month, dealing with a number of high-profile cases scheduled to be heard by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon.

Below is a list of trials to watch in October.

October 17: The Park v Gunnar Rotte: charged with disturbing the peace and inciting violence at a Stereotype Sunday event in August.

October 19: The Park v The Gang of Twenty-One: charged with committing crimes of a specist nature in connection with throwing spitballs at the director and other attendees at the premiere of the movie, WINK.

October 24: The Park v Paulus Koer: The police officer was charged with two counts of biting resulting in injury at a PIFF after-after party on October 5.

October 27: The Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), Runaway Rovers, Home to Roost, et al. v The Park and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations: In the matter of Rule #7 and the restriction of the right to assemble and the right to exercise free speech at the annual Harvest Festival, the aforementioned groups request the overturning of the rule.

OTD in 2015—Groups cry foul as “politics” nixed at 2015 Harvest Festival

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Harvest Festival

No politics allowed at Sunday’s Harvest Festival

The Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) and the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) are crying foul this morning, after the announcement that their plans to host information booths at Sunday’s annual Harvest Festival have been nixed by the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In a terse communiqué dated yesterday, the Department reiterated its longstanding rule against promotion or lobbying of any sort at the festival. This year, however, a paragraph explicitly forbidding the dissemination of any kind of information was added to the communiqué and that is what has enraged the two groups.

“We’re not playing politics here,” said SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet in a TMD Radio interview this morning. “We are trying to inform all Animals about their food and their food growers. This is information about our very survival…information we all need to have,” he said.

In a press release issued this morning, the Weather Makers were more forceful in their opposition to the ban:

“We are used to being shut out. We’ve been shut out of every sort of meeting or activity when we believed we had something of value to bring to the table. But this is something else. We are being shut out of a public event and a public place. How can we say that we have freedom of expression in The Park when we have been told to keep quiet?”

WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear confirmed later via email that she has scheduled a meeting with the group’s legal representatives to discuss launching a formal challenge to the new rule.

“This is outrageous behaviour on the part of the department. And it’s a slippery slope. We need to stop it right here before more of our rights are taken away,” she said.

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