The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2014—Centre for Interspecial Harmony opens

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Centre for Interspecial Harmony

After experiencing delays, underfunding, and the resignations of two of its directors, The Park’s new Centre for Interspecial Harmony (CIH) finally opened its doors yesterday afternoon.

The CIH is the brainchild of Dewi Rhinoceros, who is now the Chair of its Board of Directors. It was her 2013 term as Chief Archon that was partly to blame for the opening’s delay.

“Once I found out that I’d been appointed [Chief Archon], I knew I wouldn’t have the time to put into the Centre that I wanted to,” she said yesterday.

While she put the project on hold for the year, she and her fellow Archons instituted “Stereotype Sundays” as a way of  achieving the goal that is most dear to her heart: fostering harmony among all the species of Animals in The Park. This is, not coincidentally, the mission of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony.

“‘Stereotype Sundays’ was just the beginning and more of a foundation,” Dewi said. ” With them, we introduced the notion of openness and our willingness to look realistically at what we might be thinking about each other.”

The CIH plans to build on that foundation by running educational programmes, hosting events, and funding research projects in association with the University of West Terrier.

“Now that we’ve achieved self-government, we might think we can just sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labour. But there is so much work to be done to ensure the health and well-being of zoocracy and, I believe, attending to interspecial harmony may be the most important work of all,” said Dewi.

The Centre for Interspecial Harmony is open seven days a week from 10:00 to 21:00. 

OTD in 2012—Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park

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The sluggish economy is taking its toll on the professional and personal lives of Park citizens.

“The situation is dire,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier and author of a new report on the economy entitled, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able.”

The report, which analyzed economic and employment data gathered by The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, paints a gloomy  picture of the future unless immediate action is taken.

According to the report, recent statistics show that a record number of Animals have had to leave their homes and families in the past year to seek work outside The Park.

“The Park is simply not generating a sufficient number of jobs for its population,” says Dr. Cissa. “As a consequence, we are losing our best and brightest…the skilled and the most diligent. And Humans are the ones who are benefitting.”

Indeed, figures cited in the report indicate that, out of financial necessity, a great many Animals have been forced to take jobs as “domestic companions” to Humans outside The Park.

“This is tragic on so many levels,” says Cissa. “These are Animals who were trained and educated at institutions in The Park, Animals who were promised a better life than their ancestors had. These are Animals who believed in the Promise of The Park, and who believed that Animals would never have to serve Humans again. They’ve been betrayed by the economy and they are starting to question their commitment to The Park, itself. It is a very challenging situation.”

Dr. Cissa’s report is scheduled to be presented to the Archons’ full assembly on Tuesday.

OTD in 2013—Threats force 2013 POPS to flee to “undisclosed location”

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2013 POPS Bastiaan Groundhog

Bastiaan Groundhog, the zoocratically-elected 2013 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) has been removed from his burrow and will remain at an “undisclosed location” for an extended period of time, his handlers said today.

At a hastily scheduled press event, spokesAnimals for the 2013 POPS confirmed that threats made on the Groundhog’s life were the reason for the hasty exit from his burrow.

“On seventeen separate occasions, Bastiaan Groundhog, Park Animals’ choice for 2013 POPS, has received threats against his life,” said Klazina Woodchuck, one of the Groundhog’s handlers.

The threats began late in February and continued until a few days ago, Woodchuck said. It is believed that they were brought on by the slow growth of vegetation in The Park and the unseasonably cold temperatures and grey skies. The 2013 POPS had predicted an early Spring on Groundhog Day. The threats imply that the Groundhog either deliberately lied to the public or that he misrepresented his prognostication abilities. In either case, whoever is making the threats believes the POPS to be personally responsible, in some way, for the delay in Spring’s arrival.

“The threats carry strong wording and we are taking them very seriously,” said Park police spokesAnimal Serge Malinois, who also attended the press event.

And while Malinois was tight-lipped about the possible perpetrators of the threats, he did confirm that Park police had a number of suspects under investigation.

“All I can tell you at this point is that our list of suspects is a long one,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Archons lambasted over commissioning “official” Park song

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The 2013 Archons are feeling the heat from Park citizens just days after announcing that they commissioned the composition of an “official” Park song.

Their intention was to have a song created “that would evoke feelings of pride and loyalty in Park Animals…something stirring that would excite all of us and make us feel appreciative of living in The Park.” That was the explanation given by the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta when he met with media representatives on March 5 to announce the commission. The song will be played or sung at all official Park functions, he said, as well as at artistic and sporting events.

While the Archons may have believed the song would please Park Animals, the opposite appears to be the case. In a sendup of the announcement, the popular Park newspaper, The Equine Echo, ran a headline yesterday mocking the idea. Presenting it as if it were an advertisement in the “personals” category of their classified section, Echo editors wrote this headline: “2013 Archons seek song singing Park’s praises for use at celebrations.”

On a more serious note, a number of academics as well as Park political commentators have weighed in since the announcement of the song, and all are of the same opinion: it’s a bad idea and it should be scrapped.

In a radio interview yesterday, beloved Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier faculty member Noreen expressed what many others have been thinking: “There is something almost Human about this business of celebrating ourselves and our accomplishments,” she said. “I think we’ve imbibed this sort of Rah Rah attitude from the Humans around us. And I don’t think it’s a good idea at all.”

Beatrice Zilonis, distinguished  UWT professor of history, echoed Noreen’s sentiments.

“Historically, we haven’t dealt with things in this way. Park Animals are not boastful and I find it rather disconcerting to see the Archons attempting to manufacture pride, especially if their intent is to use that pride as way of keeping The Park together. It strikes me as quite a desperate move on their part,” she said.

OTD in 2014—Weather Office to Polar Bear Poetry Picnickers: prepare for a soggy bottom

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Varied weatherThe Park Weather Office has issued a warning to those who plan to attend this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: prepare for a soggy bottom.

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with record amounts of precipitation and a delayed thaw, have conspired to leave The Park a mushy mess,” the PWO said in a press statement released this morning.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, at a press conference today.

“Last year, with all the protests in The Park, we thought we’d have to protect ourselves. This year, it looks like it’s the poetry we’ll have to protect — from the elements,” he laughed.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving his second year of a three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by the weather.

“We have a group of wonderful poets lined up and a wonderful audience. My guess is they won’t give the weather a second thought,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Police investigate infiltration of “Friends of Hieronymous”

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Above is Park Police artist’s rendering of suspicious LAdeH members.

Something is rotten inside the LAdeH (“Les Amis de Hieronymous”), otherwise known as The Friends of Hieronymous, and Park Police have been working to uncover its identity.

At a press conference held this morning, Serge Malinois, spokesAnimal for Park Police, outlined details of an “intensive” investigation that, he said, has been ongoing since February 12 of this year.

“The timing is significant, of course,” Malinois said, referring to the controversy that ensued when Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros made some derogatory remarks about Hieronymous Hedgehog on his radio show that same day.

Immediately afterwards, a group calling itself Les Amis de Hieronymous sprang into action, demanding a formal on-air apology from Tavros. When it became apparent that the apology would not be forthcoming, the group became, in Malinois’ words, “aggressive, belligerent, and downright dangerous.” Group members took to the streets, protesting against both Tavros and the radio station, until the station was forced to suspend Tavros. With that success under their belts, the group members set their sights on undermining Park citizens’ confidence in their police force.

“It came to a head at the Return of the Nut,” Malinois explained at the press conference. When six of the 400 Animals arrested at the ceremony filed complaints against Park police officer Gareth Shepherd, alleging that he had bitten them repeatedly as he pushed them into a vehicle bound for the police station, “we knew something had gone awry,” Malinois said.

It wasn’t just that Shepherd is president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers and a well-respected member of the force. It was the coincidence that all six complainants were members of the LAdeH.

“A total of 400 Animals were arrested at that event, but only those from the LAdeH filed complaints,” Malinois said.

By the time the arrests were made (February 20), the investigators had compiled a “thick file” of information about the group and its members. They also had been able to confirm with Hieronymous Hedgehog that he had had no contact with the group and that he knew none of the six Animals who had filed complaints against Shepherd.

“What we are looking at here, we believe, are members of an anti-zoocratic group that has operated outside The Park for many years. This is the first time that we know of that their members have been able to infiltrate The Park. We are working closely with our contacts outside The Park to confirm our suspicions,” he said.

Malinois declined to answer questions regarding the fate of the suspects, who continue to be held in custody, nor would he confirm rumours that the charges against Shepherd will be dropped in the near future.

OTD in 2016—Yannis Tavros threatens to reveal names of Mammalian Daily reporters

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YannisTavros BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has its lawyers poised to file a cease and desist order if Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros makes good on his promise to reveal the names of all of the newspaper’s journalists.

In a tweet this morning, Tavros said he planned to reveal the name of one journalist per day until he has named them all:

Tavros tweet

In an earlier tweet, the talk show host asked his followers if they agreed that it was time for the newspaper to reveal the names and species of its reporters. Tavros also claimed last week on his radio show that ninety per cent of Park Animals think it’s time for the paper to make the move toward transparency. He claimed the figure of ninety per cent came from a poll that he commissioned in February, just after Groundhog Day.

“The Animals of this Park have spoken and The Mammalian Daily should listen,” Tavros said in closing his show last Thursday.

In a statement issued an hour after the tweet was posted, TMD Managing Editor Orphea Haas said she would not be bullied into changing the paper’s longstanding policy of anonymous reporting.

“The Mammalian Daily will not bow to pressure from outsiders, particularly those who demonstrate a profound lack of journalistic integrity. When and if our editorial team decides to change our longstanding policy of anonymous reporting, it will be as a result of deep thought, full discussion, and conviction, It will not be the result of bullying,” the statement said.

Tavros has thus far not responded to Haas’s statement, nor has he indicated when he intends to begin naming the reporters.

OTD in 2014—Chief Archon Buckminster Moose: The Interview, Part Two

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BUCKMINSTER MOOSE

Chief Archon Buckminster Moose

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

This is Part Two of The Mammalian Daily’s exclusive interview with 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose. Click here to read Part One.

As the 2014 Chief Archon shifts his weight in the big lounge chair, the full burden of his new job becomes obvious.

“It’s a great responsibility,” he sighs. “And one that I believe hasn’t been taken seriously enough these past few years.”

Moose pulls no punches when it comes to his assessment of some of The Park’s previous governments.

“Tourism, controlling our citizens, pandering to Humans…this is not the work our government should be engaged in,” he declares.

The Chief Archon has his priorities and these do not include any of the above. Instead, the two issues that are foremost on his mind are equality among Animals and a decent standard of living for all who reside here.

Lest one think this should be easy to achieve, Moose explains otherwise.

“Because we are no longer a new zoocracy — we are a young zoocracy, but not a new one — we are running into problems that even Jor [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy) could not have anticipated,” he says.

“There is now a certain tension between those who were here before, some of whom established this great Park, and those who have arrived more recently.”

Moose, who is himself a second generation Park citizen, says he finds the situation disturbing, “but not surprising.”

“We are all a bit territorial at heart,” he says. “And, once we’ve been here for a while, once we have left our mark on a place, we do tend to think of it as ours and we’re naturally a bit wary of those who come after us — those who might alter it in some way, or even those who benefit from what has been our life’s work. It’s not as if we’re not generous or we don’t want to share; we are and we do. But that doesn’t stop us from claiming certain things as our own and being offended when newcomers want to lay claim to them, as well.”

Moose says he doesn’t have “the ultimate solution” to The Park’s problems, but he does believe that returning to the basic tenets of zoocracy, to the principles that were put in place by Jor, is the right place to start.

“We need to remember where we came from and the reason we established this Park. We need to cohere. We can’t break apart and become, as we seem to be doing, separate beings, each trying to outdo the next. That will only destroy what we worked so hard to create,” he says.

This interview appears here in a condensed form. The full interview will be published later in the month.

OTD in 2017—Archons set to restrict Animals’ right to leave Park: rumour

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Bird On TravelingBREAKING NEWS
The 2017 Archons may be planning to enact legislation that restricts Park Animals’ right to leave The Park.

According to a post dated today on the gossip web site headsNtales, the Archons are considering unprecedented measures to restrict the free movement of Park citizens, as well as the free flow of goods.

Site co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes “sources close to the Archons” as saying that talks are underway with legal and financial consultants to determine the feasibility of travel  and trade restrictions.

According to Guacamayo’s sources, the main problem appears to be the lack of power that Park legal representatives have in matters affecting Animals who have been charged or detained outside The Park.

That lack of power was the subject of a panel discussion this morning on Mammalian Daily Radio. During the discussion, University of West Terrier Law Professor Fionnula Fox, an expert in Extra-Hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) told the panel, “It does not lie within our jurisdiction to represent Park Animals who have been charged with some form of wrongdoing outside The Park. Nor are we able to prosecute Humans on their own lands who have wronged Park Animals.”

According to Fox, the legal problem has given birth to a financial burden that Park Archons say the budget is not equipped to deal with.

“Without legal standing outside The Park, we must use the resources of our police and other specialized forces to extricate Park Animals from detention. Many see this as not just a financial burden, but a misuse or unnecessary use of our limited resources,” she said.

Although Fox did not say whether she agreed with the direction the Archons are said to be taking, she said trade restrictions might be a step in the right direction.

“Right now, we have to rely on the goodwill of Humans. We have to convince them to cooperate with us. Restricting their access to our goods might be one way of bringing more balance to the situation,” she said.

OTD in 2010—Thousands rally against calendar harmonization

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Thousands of Animals flooded The Park’s grounds today to demonstrate their opposition to new legislation that many believe will negatively affect life in The Park.

The legislation, whose formal name is “The Calendar Harmonization Act” (“An Act to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of the calendar or calendars used outside The Park and to amend certain Acts in consequence thereof”) is scheduled to come into effect later this month. According to the 28 AZ Archons’ latest press release, however, “the full impact of the Act will not be felt in The Park until 29 AZ.”

Although there has been much discussion about a change to a harmonized calendar, Park citizens were taken by surprise this month when the Archons announced their plans to act on the idea. That announcement has resulted in a spate of criticism from a number of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

“We’re all for change, but this is too sudden and too soon,” declared Carlisle Chameleon, whose group, Lizards for Liberty, was well-represented at the rally.

“We believe in change, but in a more gradual way and we think the citizenry should have a chance to respond when it’s a change as big as this,” he said.

That sentiment was echoed by members of other groups who were in attendance. Rowena Goose, president of the vocal Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies (APIC), told The Mammalian Daily that her group is adamantly opposed to any kind of harmonization.

“It’s just a first step, but that step leads downhill, mark my words. Next, it will be currency amalgamation, then currency harmonization and, before you know it, there will tail croppings, stripe swappings, our dams will be torpedoed, and you’ll see Humans living in The Park. They say it’s for the good of commerce, but it will do us no good — that’s for sure,” she said.

Not all Park Animals are against the new law, however. Mason L. Tortoise, head of the Small Animal Reform Group, says he believes a harmonized calendar is “the only reasonable response to an ever-changing world that is opening up all around us.”

Noticeably absent from the demonstration today were several groups representing The Park’s hibernating communities. A spokesanimal for the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), said his members appreciated the fact that the Archons had waited until the end of hibernation to make the announcement.

“If they’d wanted to be devious about it, they’d have done it during hibernation, when a significant portion of The Park’s population was asleep. Instead, they waited, so I don’t see why some Animals think they’re trying to put one over on us,” he said.

For their part, the Archons say they are committed to providing full disclosure of the contents of the legislation. Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, confirmed today that plans are underway to conduct several “open meetings” with Park residents to enable them to understand the changes that are about to happen.

“This is a step-by-step process and we plan to offer a step-by-step explanation of it,” he said.

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