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OTD in 2012—New photographs of Jor surface on gossip web site

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Previously unpublished photographs of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, have surfaced on the gossip web site, headsNtales.

The pictures, which show Jor in some compromising positions, were posted on the site early this afternoon, according to PotWatcher, The Park’s foremost web-watching organization.

PotWatcher says the pictures appeared “without warning and without any mention of their provenance” on the headsNtales site.

“They were just…suddenly there,” said Rufus Gordon Gaupe, President and CEO of PotWatcher.

Posting the pictures is not technically illegal, though it is, in the words of a spokesAnimal for Park Police, “in poor taste”.

Many of the pictures were taken when George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert, known to Park citizens as “Jor”, was living as a domestic Cat.

“There are pictures of him with Humans, pictures of him playing with small toys and sleeping and eating with what appears to be another domestic Feline,” Gaupe says.

Political analysts have been quick to weigh in on who might be responsible for the posting.

“I think we can safely say that anti-zoocratic forces are at work here,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger. “It’s obvious this is meant to be a blow to Jor’s reputation…a way to discredit him and what he stood for, which is the concept of Animal self-rule.”

Despite requests for clarification from a number of Park newspapers, including The Mammalian Daily, headsNtales has refused to comment on the posting.

Majority of new Park jobs are in field of security, law: Department of Statistics

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Clam Security GuardThe majority of The Park’s newly-created jobs lie in the fields of security and law, says a new report released today by the Department of Statistics and Records.

The report, which is known as, “Statistics Related to Job Creation in The Park: 2014,” is the latest in a series of reports that have been commissioned annually since 2007 by the sitting Archons.

The state of employment as depicted in the report is troubling in many ways, says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier. Dr. Cissa, who has written extensively about the Park’s economy and its effect on employment, says this latest report shows concrete evidence that we are “spinning” in terms of high level job creation.

“This report shows that The Park is not just failing to generate new, high level jobs; it is still creating too high a number of service jobs. But even more than that, these types of service jobs–parapolicing, for example—are creating a false impression that life in The Park is dangerous. That impression could become a destabilizing force and could, in turn, lead to the need for these jobs,” she says.

According to Dr. Cissa, nothing has changed significantly since she wrote the report, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able,” in 2012. At that time, she warned that The Park was not generating sufficient jobs to keep the skilled and most diligent among us from leaving to seek employment elsewhere. Now, she says, the situation has become even more dire.

“We must allocate funds in the new budget for high level job creation. Otherwise, we will have nothing of substance to offer our young.”

OTD in 2014—Jargonhead “raps up” tour, signs on to headline Beats of Burden Music Festival

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Jargonhead

Jargonhead to co-host and headline 2014 Beats of Burden

Legendary Park singer Jargonhead confirmed today that he has “rapped up” his Ducks in a Row tour and is on his way home to The Park to prepare for a co-hosting and headlining gig at the second annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“He is primed and ready,” the rapper’s manager Jukka Ankka told The Mammalian Daily.

Jargonhead, who signed on last year to perform at the inaugural event, is said to be a “huge fan” of the music festival.

“The concept suits him to a T,” says Ankka. “He’s all about helping the disadvantaged and pointing out the hypocrisy in our world.”

The Beasts of Burden, who founded the annual music festival last year to aid The Park’s refugees, released a statement of gratitude this morning.

“We extended the offer [of co-hosting] and were hoping for the best, but we were overwhelmed by his enthusiasm. We are very grateful to Jargonhead,” the statement said.

 

Beats of Burden logoThe Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place in The Park 12-14 September 2014.

OTD in 2015—UWT to investigate allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans

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UWT COATBREAKING NEWS

The University of West Terrier announced today that it has initiated an investigation into allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans.

The announcement came in a statement signed by the President and Governors of the University and posted on the university’s web site.

According to the statement, the allegations under investigation stem from research conducted by the Department of Human Studies. No researchers or areas of research are named and the statement emphasizes the broad nature of the investigation:

The university wishes to emphasize that this is an investigation into alleged misconduct and that no particular member of our faculty or student body is under investigation at this juncture.

The investigating team consists of several UWT faculty members who serve the university independently of the Department of Human Studies. These include Dr. Chloris Cougar, Dr. Fionnula L. Fox, Dr. Hume T. Goat, Dr. Luule Aednik, and Dr. Simone Gibbon. Other team members are Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit, and Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. Dr. Milada J. page4image31040Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the University of West Terrier and a senior member of the Committee to Oversee Scientific Research in The Park (COSRIP) will oversee the team and the investigation.

Although no time frame for a final report by the investigating team was mentioned in the statement, a spokesAnimal for the university told The Mammalian Daily that the administration is committed to conducting the investigation in a fair and timely manner.

OTD in 2015—Second Tree found hacked in Park

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second tree hacked

Jerzy Szop stands inside what remains of his longtime residence

BREAKING NEWS

A second Park Tree has been hacked in the night.

In a statement issued at nine o’clock this morning, Park Police confirmed that a Maple Tree outside The Battering Ram Café was found to have suffered “significant damage.”

“At five-thirty this morning, Park Police were called to the scene after several patrons exiting the [Battering Ram] Café noticed the destruction,” the statement said.

Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said that his team is investigating what he called the “utter devastation” of a Park landmark.

“We have called in a Tree doctor, but we fear it may not survive until tomorrow,” Addax said in a telephone interview.

The Maple Tree, which is believed to be one of The Park’s oldest Trees, has been home to Jerzy Szop for the past three years. Szop says he is “shaken to the core” at the loss of his home.

“I feel violated,” he said, as he stood inside what remains of his residence. Holding a parasol for protection against the midday sun, Szop said he felt “completely disoriented” after arriving home from a late-night food gathering expedition to discover that he no longer had a home.

Szop says he doesn’t know if he’ll continue to live in The Park, even though he’s had multiple offers of shelter.

“I’ve completely lost trust in Park life,” he moaned, as his friends and family gathered around to support him.

OTD in 2011—Leaked papers link UWT researchers to social experiment

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top secretTop Secret documents leaked to The Mammalian Daily reveal that members of The Park’s Finance Office enlisted the aid of researchers at the University of West Terrier in an attempt to engineer a social experiment in The Park.

The documents, which the newspaper has had in its possession for two weeks, reveal that in the summer of 26 AZ (2008), high level functionaries in the Park Finance Office (PFO) approached researchers in the departments of chemistry and zoology at UWT to produce a serum that would inhibit hibernation and estivation.

The goal of the Finance Office’s plan, which was known internally as “Operation Wakey-Wakey,” was to stimulate the sagging Park economy by “chemically encouraging” the entire population to engage in commerce year-round.

The plan went awry when a number of groups representing hibernators began to suspect that they were being scapeGoated.  In late Autumn 26 AZ (2008), the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) filed a formal complaint against the Finance Office for repeatedly referring to the economic slowdown as “hibernation-related.”

Fearing that publicity regarding the complaint would shed light on their plan, the PFO suspended Operation Wakey-Wakey early in the Winter of 27 AZ (2009).  The documents suggest, however, that several versions of the serum were developed at UWT during the time the Operation was active, but it is unknown whether any serum was ever tested on live Animals.

Neither the University of West Terrier nor The Park’s Finance Office has released any statement regarding this matter.

OTD in 2011—Court approves continuance of 2010 Archons

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Park ArchonsAcknowledging the need for stability and continuity following this year’s calendar harmonization, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon has granted a continuance of one full year to The Park’s current Archons.

In his ruling, which was handed down early this morning, the Superior Court Justice expressed the opinion that continuity would best be served by allowing those “who were the authors of such profound change in The Park to complete their mission before passing the torch to others.”

According to the Court statement, the ruling back-dates the Archons’ term to January 2011, thus allowing the 35 law makers six more months to aid Park residents in their transition to the new calendar.

A spokesanimal for the Archons said they were “pleased” with today’s ruling.

“This will allow [the Archons] to continue on their journey to modernize The Park and bring it up to speed in order to meet the challenges that the next years will bring,” the spokesanimal said.

The 2010 Archons’ ambitious agenda, of which calendar harmonization was the first component, includes immigration reform, support for Park businesses and, possibly, the introduction of taxation.

 

OTD in 2015—Archons ask DWBS for report on “state of hate” as SplotchWatch trial continues

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State of Hate report

“State of Hate in The Park” report will be compiled by DWBS this year

BREAKING NEWS

In an unprecedented move, the 2015 Archons have requested a report from the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) on what they call the “state of hate” in The Park.

After an emergency meeting of the Archons and the DWBS that concluded at 9:30 this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta released a statement announcing that the Department of Well-Being and Safety had agreed to compile the report and deliver it to the Archons before the end of the year.

According to the Archons’ statement, the report will be based on incidents of a hateful and specist nature that have occurred in The Park over the last three years.

While the statement did not name specific incidents, the Archons acknowledged that certain events that have occurred in the recent past had forced them to take a closer look at hate and specism in The Park.

“While we are, in no way, implying that the majority of Park Animals hold these types of prejudices or are inclined toward violence or hatred, we do wish to acknowledge that there is a growing tendency among a small minority to act in ways that are harmful to The Park and its citizens,” the Archons said in their statement.

The arrest of six Animals for stripespotting last week and the ongoing trial of the owner of the SplotchWatch web site have made many in The Park uncomfortable and fearful, the statement said.

“We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals,” the statement concluded.

OTD in 2015—The Park Museum presents…”The Wall”

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Dorika Pumi, curator at The Park Museum, has produced a simple yet powerful piece entitled, “Pet Project: Monikers of Domestication,” to honour Enforced Domestication Awareness Month in The Park:

Pumi used one whole museum wall at the west side of the main building, as the backdrop for the video.

“There is no voiceover or commentary,” Pumi emphasizes. “The video speaks for itself.”

“The Wall,” as Pumi refers to it, will be on display at the museum until the end of the year.

OTD in 2015—Six arrested for stripespotting: Police

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StripespottingBREAKING NEWS

Six Park Animals were arrested and are currently in jail awaiting a bail hearing after being charged with stripespotting within the boundaries of The Park.

In a short statement released at noon today, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed the arrest early this morning.

“On the morning of June 25, Park Police attended at the site of the Ancient Oak Tree and found six Animals, residents of The Park, engaged in the illegal activity of stripespotting. Following confirmation of these activities, Police arrested all six Animals. The Animals are now at the Park Jail awaiting the assessment of bail charges and the setting of dates for trial,” the statement said.

Legal experts told The Mammalian Daily that the arrested Animals are likely to be waiting in jail for some time.

“They picked a bad day to be arrested, particularly on those charges,” said Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

Terrier was referring to the fact that Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court is presently hearing opening arguments on the first day of the trial of SplotchWatch owner and operator Raimundo Zorro. In April, Zorro was charged with two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord” by means of operating the SplotchWatch web site, which names Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed.

“I don’t think there’ll be much sympathy for those Animals today, not if they were caught stripespotting,” Terrier said.

The act of stripespotting, which is a form of bullying, involves pointing to and calling out striped Animals as they pass by. The calling out is usually done in a threatening voice. Although some Animals still consider it a harmless prank or even a valid pastime, the act itself was outlawed eleven years ago and, according to Terrier, those few who still practise it can expect harsh punishment from the courts.

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