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OTD in 2016—And then there were ten: Endeka Elephant Band member murdered on trip home to visit family

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AND THEN THERE WERE TEN

BREAKING NEWS

The Endeka Elephant Band is in mourning today.

According to a spokesAnimal, the band’s bassist,  Zuberi Tembo, was killed yesterday afternoon, while on a trip home to his native Africa to visit his family.

The spokesAnimal said Tembo’s colleagues are “too devastated” to comment on the tragedy at this time, but they intend to release a statement and details of funeral arrangements in the coming days. The only word from the band thus far has been a formal statement of gratitude to the Archons, who have allowed the musicians to mourn together at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.

The Endeka Elephant Band was formed thirty-seven years ago, three years before zoocracy was established in The Park. Seven of the band’s members were born in Africa and four were born in Asia. Three members escaped from zoological parks run by Humans and four members, including Tembo, sought refuge in The Park while on tour with circuses.

Zuberi Tembo leaves his current mate, Batini, daughters Goma and Dashiki and sons Jabari, Enzi, and Rashid. Tembo was forty-two years old.

OTD in 2017—WMPSAP shuts down Kuttu scheme to import weather for Agrarian Jubilee

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WeathermakersBREAKING NEWS: Less than a week before the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park has averted what its leaders are calling a “disaster for the ages.”

At an emotional press conference this morning, WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear revealed that early last week, she and the leader of another Park environmental group (whom she declined to name) were made aware of Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu’s plan to import weather from outside The Park in time for the Jubilee.

“In so many ways, this would have been a disaster—environmentally, economically, and socially, ” Sun Bear said, as she recounted her initial shock and then outlined her now successful plan to stop the importation.

“With all due respect to the Chief Archon, she does not, in our opinion, have the expertise to make any kind of weather selection or purchase, especially in haste,” Sun Bear said. “We have no idea what kind of harm could come to us from the ingredients in that weather.”

Immediately after Sun Bear got wind of the scheme, she rallied members of The Park’s environmental groups, including Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers, Skunks Against Gunk, and Skunks Über Vehicles (SUV) and they made a surprise visit to Kuttu.

Although Sun Bear did not elaborate on what she called the “heated exchange” that followed the ambush, she said they made it clear to Kuttu that Park citizens would not stand for weather purchases made by the ill-informed.

“We don’t doubt that our Chief Archon had good intentions,” Sun Bear said, acknowledging that recent weather patterns made it look as if it would be too cold to enjoy the outdoor event fully. “But damage to The Park is not mitigated by good intent. And, in our opinion, the environment comes before the economy and before our enjoyment.”

OTD in 2017—Domestic Animals have no control over their estates: UWT study

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dog-toysAt a time when Park residents are amassing greater amounts of wealth and material goods, a new study shows that Animals who live outside The Park have no legal control over their possessions during their lifetime and even afterwards.

The study, out of the University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law, shows that ninety-nine percent of Animals who live in domestic situations with Humans have to relinquish control of their possessions—including toys, food, beds, clothing and other accoutrements, and even trophies and awards—after they die and, in some cases, even before that.

The study was conducted by UWT Law Professor Fionnula Fox and a team of Chittenden research assistants. After extensive and multiple interviews with three thousand, five hundred domestic Animals of seventeen different species, the researchers concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions during or after their lifetime, even if those possessions had been purchased or won by the Animals themselves.

“It is a dismal situation for the domestics,” says Fox, an expert in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“We heard the same stories, over and over, from these poor creatures, some of whom had to witness their own possessions being handed over to other Animals right in front of them. Others told of witnessing the dying wishes of their friends and families ignored by Humans, sometimes resulting in the very possessions they had most treasured becoming trash,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

The conclusions drawn from these heartbreaking interviews will be published in the Journal of Extra-Hortulanial Law (JEHL) in June, coincidentally the same month that The Park has designated as Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

OTD in 2017—Archons set to restrict Animals’ right to leave Park: rumour

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Bird On TravelingBREAKING NEWS
The 2017 Archons may be planning to enact legislation that restricts Park Animals’ right to leave The Park.

According to a post dated today on the gossip web site headsNtales, the Archons are considering unprecedented measures to restrict the free movement of Park citizens, as well as the free flow of goods.

Site co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes “sources close to the Archons” as saying that talks are underway with legal and financial consultants to determine the feasibility of travel  and trade restrictions.

According to Guacamayo’s sources, the main problem appears to be the lack of power that Park legal representatives have in matters affecting Animals who have been charged or detained outside The Park.

That lack of power was the subject of a panel discussion this morning on Mammalian Daily Radio. During the discussion, University of West Terrier Law Professor Fionnula Fox, an expert in Extra-Hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) told the panel, “It does not lie within our jurisdiction to represent Park Animals who have been charged with some form of wrongdoing outside The Park. Nor are we able to prosecute Humans on their own lands who have wronged Park Animals.”

According to Fox, the legal problem has given birth to a financial burden that Park Archons say the budget is not equipped to deal with.

“Without legal standing outside The Park, we must use the resources of our police and other specialized forces to extricate Park Animals from detention. Many see this as not just a financial burden, but a misuse or unnecessary use of our limited resources,” she said.

Although Fox did not say whether she agreed with the direction the Archons are said to be taking, she said trade restrictions might be a step in the right direction.

“Right now, we have to rely on the goodwill of Humans. We have to convince them to cooperate with us. Restricting their access to our goods might be one way of bringing more balance to the situation,” she said.

OTD in 2017—Off the docket: Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon postpones February court

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Mr Justice Augustus DindonBREAKING NEWS The office of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon issued a statement today advising all concerned parties that the trials and hearings over which he was to preside in the remaining days of February will be postponed until March or later.

No reason for the postponement was cited in the statement, but sources close to Justice Dindon tell The Mammalian Daily that he has been feeling ill since Groundhog Day and that he is taking a few days off “on the advice of Dr. Bourru.”

Justice Dindon has kept a rigorous schedule over the past few years. As the only justice serving on The Park’s Superior Court for the past ten years, he has presided over thousands of trials. Despite that, he has resisted calls to hire an assistant justice. In an interview in late 2016, the justice said that he wasn’t against slowing down “at some point,” and might do so when he found “the right fit” for his court, but that he preferred to keep the lower court justices in place and continue presiding over the Superior Court.

The seven February trials and hearings that have been postponed include the request by Thisbe and the Barkettes for a cease and desist order against Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure. No dates have yet been set for the postponed court business.

OTD in 2017—Noreen pens heartfelt open letter to the “Humans of the world”

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noreen-tweetMAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

Noreen has penned a heartfelt open letter to the “Humans of the world.”

The longtime Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier Adjunct Professor of Human Studies tweeted this morning that she “could not stay silent for long” and that she would post her open letter to the Humans of the world “soon.”

This afternoon, she sat down with our Human Affairs Reporter to discuss the letter and her need to speak out about recent events in the Human world.

In that interview, Noreen explained that she had long been an observer of Humans and their behaviour and that, unlike many other Animals, she had a “soft spot” for the species, despite their sometimes odious behaviour.

“It is a fraught relationship in many ways, and that is largely their fault,” she said. “But I’ve lived with and around Humans my whole life and they’ve been good to me. I’ve never tried to disguise that fact. Humans have very little understanding of themselves and as I watch them lurch toward the abyss, I feel a certain responsibility to save them.”

She said that although her letter was an attempt to do just that, she had no expectations that it would change anything.

“Humans retain a certain stubbornness, even in the face of insight,” she said.

The following is the opening portion of her letter, which she is allowing only The Mammalian Daily to publish:

My dear Humans of the world,

I’m quite sure you have no idea who I am. Even if you did know my name, you would have no familiarity with my work or my beliefs and I understand that. Most of what I say you cannot hear; neither can you read in my language. That is why I am writing this in yours.

I have been an observer of your behaviour for a long time—almost my whole life. From an early age, I realized that many other Animals found your behaviour incomprehensible, but I was determined to decode it,  to understand who you were and what you wanted. My desire to do that was so strong that studying you became my life’s work.

As an advice columnist and a researcher in Human studies, it has been my greatest privilege to have had the opportunity to explain you— your beliefs, your needs, and your desires—to a broad range of other species who have benefitted from my knowledge in countless ways. So it is with great confidence that I approach this task of explaining you to you.

I ask only that you hear me out, that you consider carefully my observations, and that you accept this letter as a gift from me to a species I have long admired, a species for whom I wish only good things, however they may come.

OTD in 0216—Bedfellows’ backing singer on bed rest after near-fatal attack outside Park

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Hugo PercevejoHugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, is on bed rest today after he suffered a near-fatal attack yesterday outside The Park.

According to Kalervo Lude, the group’s manager, Percevejo left The Park yesterday afternoon to visit friends in their new home. Their visit was interrupted by a gang of Humans who threw them out of the home after spraying them with some kind of toxic substance.

Lude said Percevejo told him he was “left to die” on the sidewalk but he managed to crawl back to The Park, where he was taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Unfortunately, Percevejo’s friends were not as lucky.

After spending the night in the hospital, the singer was sent home and told to remain on bed rest for a week.

The group’s members issued a statement early this afternoon, confirming that Percevejo will not be performing with them at Wednesday’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

“We are devastated by this event and its consequences to our beloved colleague and his friends. We are heartened that Hugo will recover, but our hearts are heavy with sorrow for those who will not,” the statement said in part.

According to Lude, the group will not be replacing Percevejo at Wednesday’s performance

OTD in 2016—Raimundo Zorro’s name struck from list of those eligible to be Archon: rumour

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headsNtalesRaimundo Zorro’s name has been struck from the list of Park citizens who are eligible to become 2017 Archons, according to the gossip website, headsNtales.

In a post dated this morning, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo, claims that a member of the Department of Political Administration (DPA), the governing body that compiles the list, confirmed the removal in mid-November of Zorro’s name. Guacamayo writes that she was told he was not deemed “eligible” to stand for Archon.

Zorro was convicted in August 2015 of two counts of inciting hate by owning and operating the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch.” In April of this year, he again caught the attention of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SCHU) by violating the conditions of his sentence and starting a new web site called, “BANDland.” The site, which is still operational, uses technology to track the movements of The Park’s striped community.

According to the SHCU’s Chief Inspector, Maurice Addax, Zorro no longer has any direct connection to the web site, although he is still listed as its founder.

As for his eligibility to stand for Archon, experts say there is nothing written in law to prevent a citizen—even one convicted of a hate crime—from becoming an Archon.

Speaking on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, Delia Quagga, head of the Barnaby School of Government at the University of West Terrier, said that if, indeed, his name has been struck from the list, he will have a “very strong case” against the DPA.

“As it now stands, there are no restrictions on Park citizens becoming Archons,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

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UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

OTD in 2016—Date of Snowbird Farewell changed

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Snowbird FarewellThe date of The Park’s annual Snowbird Farewell has been pushed back one week.

In a short statement released today, Public Relations Director Aintza Kanariar confirmed that the event will take place on October 19 from this year on.

No reason was given for the adjustment, but many in The Park’s weather-making and farming communities believe it is due to the warmer temperatures The Park has been experiencing over the last decades. Many in The Park’s business community are of the same belief.

“I agree with them,” Nicoletta Cardinale, owner of  STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS, told The Mammalian Daily this morning. Her travel agency, which specializes in migration travel, has seen its business plummet over the past few years and she attributes at least part of that to a change in The Park’s climate.

“Life here has become less challenging in the Winter months and many Birds are choosing to wait out the cold weather rather than risk travel,” she says.

Whatever the reason, The Park’s Avian community now officially has one extra week to prepare to leave or prepare to Winter in The Park.

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