The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2017—BREAKING: Archons to outlaw Humans’ use of Park Animals as transport

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horse-drawn-carriageBREAKING NEWS
In a surprise announcement at a press briefing this afternoon, the Archons’ spokesAnimal, Balthasar Alouatta, said the Archons plan to enact legislation that will outlaw the use of our citizens and residents as transport for Humans both within and outside Park boundaries. He said the law will come into effect in early April.

Calling the new law “the first in a suite of laws that will codify the relationship between Park Animals and Humans,” Alouatta confirmed the Archons’ desire to “delineate formally the boundaries of the rights, abilities, and obligations of Humans as regards The Park’s population.”

“The Archons feel that the fluid relationship between Humans and Park Animals that has existed for decades must come to an end. Now that we have a mature zoocracy, they feel it is time to formally codify that relationship,” he said.

Although Alouatta did not take questions at the briefing, he did acknowledge the “many considerations” and difficulties that some Park Animals would experience as a result of the new legislation.

“It is not the intention of the Archons to make life difficult for Park Animals,” Alouatta said. “Rather, it is their intention to ensure that Park Animals will be treated with fairness and respect by Humans, now and in the years to follow,” he said.

OTD in 2017—DWBS confirms detailed map of Park found outside official boundaries

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map-of-parkThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has confirmed that a map of The Park has been found outside our official boundaries.

In a short statement issued this morning, the department confirmed that a map of The Park that shows the location of some of our government institutions and businesses was found on the ground outside the western border.

According to the statement, the department was advised of the map’s existence early this month by Park police, who said a citizen who encountered it while travelling outside The Park surrendered it to them.

The map is not an official Park map, but one that the department believes was drawn by a Human who had visited The Park or had some knowledge of it.

Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the DWBS, has confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that the department will hold a press conference this coming week to discuss the details and possible ramifications of the situation.

OTD in 2017—Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

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3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

OTD in 2017—Names of 2017 Archons announced

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zoocracy-35The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2017 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2017
Kuttu, Klarissa Escalade (Chief Archon)

Amphiuma, Dudley; Arowana, Donat; Bonobo, Nakato; Cangrejo, José Basilio; Chameleon, Seymour; Crayfish, Thomas Frederick; Datnoid, Wattana; Deer, Alfhild; Gecko, Theodore Maximilian; Hoopoe, Imara; Kakkalakki, Njáll Jóhan; Kungsfiskare, Olaf Greger; Lehm, Aleksandra Elisabet; Lionfish, Elliott; Lizard, Marcela; Mantis Henry; Molly, Johannes; Mudpuppy, Ralph; Newt, Rodney; Oscar, Karma; Owl, Dominique Françoise; Pająk, Ilona; Polar Bear, Clovinda; Polipo, Dante Aurelio; Puffin, Nathan Edward; Puma, Sofia Ioanna; Quetzal, Tania Jimena Izabella; Salamander, Quentin Holder; Sammakko, Aava Matilda; Slange, Anika Kamilla; Tarantula, Xiomara; Taube, Ekkehardt; Tortoise, Aristodama; Turtle, Todd.

OTD in 2016—Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

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UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

OTD in 2016—TMD announces the appointment of an official POPS Election reporter

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gd-borderWe are pleased to announce that The Mammalian Daily has designated one of our most capable  journalists as the official POPS Election reporter for the duration of the POPS election season.

Please welcome Endla Metsümiseja. Endla will keep you up to date on all POPS Election and Groundhog Day information. You can follow her reports here as well as on Twitter, where she will be taking over the Park Groundhog Day Twitter account until the election results are in.

Endla is a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier. After graduation, Endla was hired by The Rodent Commoner as a roving reporter. After two years there, where she became known for her “nose for the news,” Endla spent six months writing for The Cosmopolitan Pest before she left The Park to travel. Upon her return, she was hired by The Mammalian Daily as a general reporter and she has distinguished herself here as an energetic and intelligent addition to our staff.

As a member of The Park’s hibernating community, Endla has a particular interest in Groundhog Day. As well, many generations of her family have been actively involved in the The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and in the annual elections for Keeper of the Nut.

We know you will find Endla’s reports useful and enlightening.

OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

OTD in 2016—Budget 2017: A year when words might speak louder than numbers

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Since presenting her 2017 Budget yesterday morning, Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja has embarked on a media tour that will see her visit most of The Park’s radio and television stations in the coming weeks.

This will be the first time that a Budget Chief has taken to the airwaves to discuss the financial decisions she’s made on our behalf. Yet, this year, it may be entirely appropriate, since the words in the budget say far more about Abeja’s intent than the numbers do.

One example of that is an expense category that has seen not only a three percent increase over last year, but a name change, as well. “Refugee Support” is now listed as “Refugee Aid,” and that’s a change that, not surprisingly, The Park’s refugee aid groups are welcoming.

“We were thrilled to see the change in the name. It signals a real shift in the way the PFO is thinking about helping these Animals, going from indirect support to direct aid,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, one of many groups that assist refugees and new immigrants.

The Mammalian Daily’s full analysis of the budget will be published next week.

2017 Park Budget

OTD in 2016—Tinamou nest found outside Park; eggs replaced with Bailey’s basketball

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NestJPEGPark Police announced this morning that they have recovered the nest of Alvin Tinamou and his mate Adela.

Szabina Héja, head of the Airborne Investigative Unit (AIU), made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“Yesterday afternoon, our team was directed to a Tree outside The Park. Upon investigation, we discovered and later took possession of a nest with a basketball inside it. After extensive testing at our laboratory, we have determined that the nest is that of Alvin Tinamou. Our tests also revealed that the basketball is the same one lent to The Park Museum by Mammalian Daily balls columnist Bailey. Unfortunately, we were unable to find any evidence of the Tinamou eggs. Our Unit continues to search for the eggshells and we are optimistic that we will be successful,” Héja said.

Experts say, however, that since the nest was stolen in mid-June, there is little hope of recovering the eggshells.

“Those chicks would have hatched by early July at the latest,” says Dr. Simon Crow, head of Avian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. “They would, physiologically, almost be adults by now. And the shells surely would have been used for other purposes.”

The AIU head did not comment on the state of the basketball, nor did she give reporters any idea of when the ball might be released to its rightful owner. But she did confirm that both the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) have been brought in to help in the search for the perpetrator of the crime.

OTD in 2016—And then there were ten: Endeka Elephant Band member murdered on trip home to visit family

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AND THEN THERE WERE TEN

The Endeka Elephant Band is in mourning today.

According to a spokesAnimal, the band’s bassist,  Zuberi Tembo, was killed yesterday afternoon, while on a trip home to his native Africa to visit his family.

The spokesAnimal said Tembo’s colleagues are “too devastated” to comment on the tragedy at this time, but they intend to release a statement and details of funeral arrangements in the coming days. The only word from the band thus far has been a formal statement of gratitude to the Archons, who have allowed the musicians to mourn together at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.

The Endeka Elephant Band was formed thirty-seven years ago, three years before zoocracy was established in The Park. Seven of the band’s members were born in Africa and four were born in Asia. Three members escaped from zoological parks run by Humans and four members, including Tembo, sought refuge in The Park while on tour with circuses.

Zuberi Tembo leaves his current mate, Batini, daughters Goma and Dashiki and sons Jabari, Enzi, and Rashid. Tembo was forty-two years old.

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