The Mammalian Daily

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Stampede at grooming house leaves 68 Animals injured, 35 jailed

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Stampede at Grooming House

Police arrested 35 Animals at the Tallulah’s Toilettage riot today

BREAKING NEWS

An early morning stampede at one of The Park’s leading grooming houses has left 68 Animals injured and sent 35 others to jail.

The scuffle broke out at approximately 6:00 a.m., when a herd of Bison stormed Tallulah’s Toilettage and demanded to be seen. According to a witness, the Bison were joined by a group of Bulls, Horses, Cats, and others. All are regular customers of the grooming house.

“They were angry because their appointments had been cancelled. They were put off until next week, in favour of those who had tickets to the Fowl Ball,” the witness said.

Groomer Amoltrud Poedel, whose shop, Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, has also been “overrun” by Fowl Ball attendees, said she thought that Tallulah’s had been targeted because it offers an exclusive service known as “Moulting Minimizers.”

“It’s the [moulting] season and, even though they broke the law, I feel for them. It’s unfortunate that the needs of Fowl Ball participants were seen to be more important than the needs of so many others. Perhaps this wasn’t the perfect time to schedule the Fowl Ball after all,” she said.

Park Police told The Mammalian Daily that the majority of the injured were taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. The 35 Animals who were believed to be the instigators of the stampede, were detained at the scene and later taken to the Park Jail. They are to appear in court on Monday.

A Police spokesAnimal also confirmed that Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) have been assigned to the case.

“We think we may be seeing some interspecial tension at play here and if that is the case, we want to deal with it as soon as possible,” the spokesAnimal said.

Data Tree hacked: Park Police

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tree hacked

One of The Park’s largest Data Trees has been hacked, say Park Police

BREAKING NEWS

One of The Park’s oldest and largest Data Trees has been hacked, according to Park Police.

In a statement issued at ten o’clock this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed that his team is investigating the “extensive damage” to the tree that is estimated to have occurred between midnight and seven o’clock this morning.

The Oak Tree, which is believed to be at least 70 years old, was last visited at eleven o’clock last night by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners.

“We keep a lot of our raw data in that particular tree,” said the Squirrel, whose company has held long-term leases on several Park trees since 2004.

The Squirrel said he was at the tree “no more than five minutes,” which was enough time for him to check on his stored data.

“It was all there when I arrived and it was all there when I left,” he said.

But this morning, the Squirrel was shocked when Police arrived at his office to tell him that it no longer was there.

“None of it,” said Squirrel, who is now facing the daunting task of informing his clients that their information — and their savings — have been compromised.

Although Chief Inspector Addax would not reveal details of either the evidence or the investigation, he did confirm in a telephone interview this morning that he had spoken with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU), an independent division of the SHCU, and that she had agreed to lend some of her unit members to the investigation.

Police close in on abductors of Marmot wrestling team

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Marmot Wrestling Team logo


The logo above is that of the Marmot wrestling team. Park Police say they are closer to discovering whereabouts of the team, which went missing during the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games

Park Police say they are closing in on the abductors of the Marmot wrestling team, which went missing during the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games.

No member of the team has been seen since September 26. Police were called to investigate when the team failed to show up on September 27 for the wrestling competition, which they were favoured to win. At that time, Police reported they had found evidence of a struggle and possible abduction. They later confirmed they had elevated the investigation to that of an abduction after a review of the evidence. That evidence included a trail of hair that led outside The Park and a small pile of shavings that they believe came from a wooden box.

In a short statement released this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) said her officers believe they have located the hiding place outside The Park that was chosen by the team’s abductors.

The IIU, which is an independent division of the Police force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), joined the investigation in mid-October, when the SHCU determined definitively that the abduction was an interspecial crime. The IIU’s mandate is to investigate “all occurrences in which the suggestion of specist intent is present.”

No motive for the crime has been determined as yet, a spokesAnimal for SHCU Chief Inspector Maurice Addax told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our concern at the moment is for the team,” the spokesAnimal said. “We will be able to determine more about the motive after we have the abductors in custody and the team members are safe and back in their homes.”

Concern for the well-being of the team grows every day, the spokesAnimal said, since they should already have gone into hibernation.

“Every day that they are away and, presumably, conscious, the risk to them grows greater. That is why we are hoping for a positive outcome very soon,” he said.

Stolen autochthonous art recovered by Park Police

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BIRD PAINTING

An important painting by one of The Park’s most revered autochthonous artists has been recovered by Park Police. The painting was stolen while it was one display during last Saturday’s Part ART Walk

An important painting by one of The Park’s most revered autochthonous artists has been recovered by Park Police, it was confirmed today.

The painting, entitled, L’oiseau à l’affût, was stolen while on display outside LeTwiggery during last Saturday’s Park ART Walk (PAW).

“One minute it was there; the next, it was gone,” one  regular PAWgoer told The Mammalian Daily.

“I turned around to tell my companions to take a look at it and when I turned back, there was only an empty easel standing there,” she said.

The painting by renowned autochthonous artist and Park citizen Hervé Huard was on loan to LeTwiggery as part of The Park’s annual Park ART Walk. A number of retail establishments as well as art galleries participate in the popular event by offering space free of charge so that artists can display their work. This year’s PAW was dedicated to the work of The Park’s autochthonous artists.

Huard has thus far refused to comment on either the theft or recovery, but Park Police believe the theft may be part of a larger problem in The Park. Sources close to the Society of Autochthonous Artists (SAA) say the group has received threats recently and several autochthonous works have been vandalized over the past few months. A spokesAnimal for Park Police said they are “currently involved in a thorough investigation of the matter” but cannot comment on the specifics of the case at this time.

Threats force 2013 POPS to flee to “undisclosed location”

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Bastiaan Groundhog, 2013 POPS:
Threats made on his life have resulted in his flight to an undisclosed location

Bastiaan Groundhog, the zoocratically-elected 2013 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) has been removed from his burrow and will remain at an “undisclosed location” for an extended period of time, his handlers said today.

At a hastily scheduled press event, spokesAnimals for the 2013 POPS confirmed that threats made on the Groundhog’s life were the reason for the hasty exit from his burrow.

“On seventeen separate occasions, Bastiaan Groundhog, Park Animals’ choice for 2013 POPS, has received threats against his life,” said Klazina Woodchuck, one of the Groundhog’s handlers.

The threats began late in February and continued until a few days ago, Woodchuck said. It is believed that they were brought on by the slow growth of vegetation in The Park and the unseasonably cold temperatures and grey skies. The 2013 POPS had predicted an early Spring on Groundhog Day. The threats imply that the Groundhog either deliberately lied to the public or that he misrepresented his prognostication abilities. In either case, whoever is making the threats believes the POPS to be personally responsible, in some way, for the delay in Spring’s arrival.

“The threats carry strong wording and we are taking them very seriously,” said Park police spokesAnimal Serge Malinois, who also attended the press event.

And while Malinois was tight-lipped about the possible perpetrators of the threats, he did confirm that Park police had a number of suspects under investigation.

“All I can tell you at this point is that our list of suspects is a long one,” he said.

FCSW president suspended over allegations of misconduct

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FCSW President Gareth Shepherd is a 17-year veteran of the Park Police Force. He was suspended from his duties on Monday pending investigation of allegations of misconduct made by members of the group that calls itself  Les Amis de Hieronymous

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), has been suspended from his duties pending an investigation into allegations of misconduct. The misconduct is alleged to have occurred during arrests he made at the Ceremonial Return of the Nut on February 20.

At a press conference held this morning, a spokesAnimal for Park Police confirmed that six members of the group that calls itself Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) have filed a formal complaint against Shepherd, alleging that the police officer bit them repeatedly as he pushed them into a vehicle bound for the police station. The six were arrested by Shepherd at the Return of the Nut and were formally charged later that day at the police station.

The spokesAnimal said Shepherd was suspended from his duties early this morning.

“The Park Police Force has had a policy in place for more than 20 years that explicitly forbids its officers from biting alleged offenders,” said the spokesAnimal. “We want to assure the public that we are taking this complaint very seriously.”

The six LAdeH members who were arrested were released late last night and will appear in court later this week. All six of the group members were charged with resisting arrest, disrupting a public event, and endangering the lives of other Animals. One member was charged with misrepresenting a public figure and four members were charged with assault with intent to harm or maim.

Shepherd, a 17-year veteran of the Park Police Force, has a “clean record,” according to the spokesAnimal. “This is the first complaint that has ever been lodged against him,” he said.

As FCSW President, Shepherd is best known for his role in rallying the Federation’s membership during the strike of 2004.

A call for calm as Archons outlaw Noon Nuttiness rioters

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The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace called for calm this morning, after a special meeting of the Archons resulted in the outlawing of the group responsible for the Noon Nuttiness violence on October 4.

In a statement read at a hastily-convened press conference, Raymond H. Mink, Chief Officer of Peace, asked all Park residents to respect the decision of the Archons to outlaw membership in Realidad Incorporated.

“Our governing body has seen fit to take action against those who, in an ongoing way, seek to disturb the peaceful ambience of our Park. I would ask that all Park residents respect this decision and that those who take issue with it do so in a peaceful and calm manner, as per the laws of The Park,” the statement read in part.

The Archons’ decision comes four days after GooseBook announced that it has filed a suit for damages against the group, whose members destroyed hundreds of the cackle™–enabled devices the company had lent to a film festival audience. The audience members had assembled at the Park Cinema to view the comedy, Kribbles, which was screened as part of the Noon Nuttiness component of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF). Just as the film began, members of Realidad Incorporated grabbed the devices from audience members. The group later issued a statement explaining that their actions had been a protest against cackle™, a new “happy only” social networking site that is owned by GooseBook.

In a written statement released this afternoon, the Archons cited a number of factors that influenced their decision, including what they termed “an unprecedented degree of tension among Park citizens” and “the need to preserve peace at all costs throughout The Park”.

Clash with Guard Dogs at protest leaves 1 dead, 7 injured

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FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

One Goose is dead and at least seven were injured after a clash with Guard Dogs at this weekend’s anti-amalgamation protest in The Park.

The fallen Goose, whose name has not yet been released, was last seen alive at the ancient open-air theatre on Sunday.  She was, reportedly, organizing a parade with a small gaggle of her compatriots to protest currency unification in The Park.  The Goose was part of a group that calls itself “Fowl Cry.”

Witnesses at the scene said that the Guard Dogs, who were on high alert, became agitated at the sound of “all that honking” and told the Goose to quieten down.

“That just made her mad,” said a friend who was also a participant at the protest.

“We have the right to express our opinions.  Jor gave us that right and it is enshrined in The Park’s constitution.  No one has the right to tell us to shut up.”

According to one witness, when the Goose refused to cooperate, the Guard Dogs rushed the group and allegedly bit several of the Geese.  A fight broke out between the Guard Dogs and the Geese and the result was one death and a host of injuries, some serious enough to land several of the Geese in the hospital.

Early this morning, Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), took to the airwaves to calm Park residents and to assure them that the security force, along with the Archons, will conduct a “full and fair” investigation into the incident.

“We invite all citizens and, particularly, those who were present at the gathering in question, to testify at the open investigation, which will commence at the end of the month,” he said.

For their part, the members of Fowl Cry say that they will wait to hear the testimony of the witnesses and the explanation of the Guard Dogs before they take any action.

“In the meantime,” said a spokesGoose for the group, “we have to plan a memorial service for our fallen leader and tend to the needs of the others who were injured.”

Groundhog Day violence eclipses Archons’ message of hope

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One of the Animals jailed after Groundhog Day violence

An outbreak of violence during an otherwise peaceful demonstration threatened to mar Groundhog Day festivities and overshadow the message of hope and renewal delivered by the Archons in their annual address.

The demonstration, which was held to protest The Park’s policy of open immigration, began outside the Law Courts at approximately 08:30, just minutes after the Archons concluded their address.

Participants described the demonstration as “initially peaceful,” until a particularly aggressive groups of Animals, wielding heavy placards, hijacked the cause and “beat up on the [other] participants.”

“It got ugly pretty quick,” said Randall Rhinoceros, a protester who was taken to the Park Hospital with injuries to his feet and snout.

While hundreds of Animals were treated for their injuries as a result of the violence, there are reports that some injured Animals were hauled off to jail before they received any treatment at all. Some of those involved blame the Guard Dogs for a substantial number of the injuries that were incurred in the demonstration.

“They were too quick off the mark, as far as I’m concerned,” said Yvonne Aardvark. “They didn’t wait to find out who was causing the trouble. They just rounded everybody up and sent them to jail.”

An investigation into the incident is underway, according to The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace, Raymond H. Mink.

New evidence emerges in Crab murder investigation

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Park police have confirmed the emergence of new evidence in the investigation into the brutal 2006 murder of the Tartan Crab.

At a news conference held at police headquarters, Chief Inspector Martin of the Murder Investigations Unit announced that recent findings had prompted Park Police to consult with external investigators. Results of that consultation are not yet known.

Although the Inspector did not say, specifically, what findings were responsible for the newest action on the part of the Police, he did confirm that foreign bodies or “hairs” had been found during the analysis of the Crab’s stuffing.

“Forensic tests have resulted in the identification of certain foreign bodies, known as ‘hairs’, that were attached to the Crab’s stuffing. We believe these hairs hold the key to the identity of the perpetrator and we are conducting further laboratory tests in order to determine that identity.”

The Inspector also confirmed that the two domestic Dogs who had been held for questioning in the matter had been released. No charges will be brought against them, he said. The Dogs could not be reached for comment.

When asked whether Park Police believed the perpetrator of the crime could be Human, the Inspector was careful to assure Park citizens that no such link had been found.

“The Park Police Dogs (PPD) have sniffed out a number of leads and they intend to follow up on them,” he said.

Two hours after the news conference, however, the Murder Investigations Unit issued this official statement:

“We do not believe that the murder of the Tartan Crab reflects any feelings of resentment by any species toward any other. Citizens of The Park live together in peace and harmony and are not currently engaged in any conflict, either among ourselves or with those who reside outside The Park.”

Sources close to the investigation, though, quietly acknowledge the possibility of a link between the Crab murder and certain anti-zoocratic forces that are known to operate outside The Park.

Earlier this week, a spokesAnimal for Park Police confirmed that the department had been working to infiltrate a number of groups whose members advocate overthrowing The Park’s government.

“These [members] do not represent the majority of their species or of any other. They are acting on their own beliefs and without [any evidence of ] the validity of those beliefs,” the spokesAnimal said.

She added that these groups are not believed to pose any real threat to The Park.

“We are taking every precaution to ensure the stability and longevity of zoocracy,” she said.

This article first appeared in Issue #113 of The Mammalian Daily.

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