• Home
  • About The Mammalian Daily
    • TMD 101: A quick guide to reading The Mammalian Daily
    • A note about our style
  • Welcome to The Park
    • About The Park
    • Past and Present Archons
  • Park Life
    • Educational Institutions
      • University of West Terrier
      • Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life
      • Leonardo Language and Culture Institute
      • The Hani Gajah School of Art
      • Park School of Aesthetics
    • Shops and Retail
    • Restaurants and Pubs
    • Financial Institutions
      • Currency
    • Health & Well-Being
      • Hospitals and Clinics
      • Directory of Park Health Services
    • Grooming Houses
      • Amoltrud’s Aesthetics
      • En Garde Hair and Skin Salon
      • Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure
      • KwikLiks
      • Tallulah’s Toilettage
      • The Mane Event
      • The Pluming Room
    • Park Services
      • Architects and Construction Services
      • Employment Service
      • Entertainment and Party Services
      • Financial Services
      • Home Services
      • Image and Consulting Services
      • Legal Services
      • Park-Sponsored Programmes
      • Personal Services
      • Real Estate Services
      • Translation Services
      • Travel & Transportation Services
    • Charities
    • Citizen Aid & Action Associations
      • Associations, Federations, and Alliances
      • Political Reform Groups
      • Environmental Groups
      • Immigrant and Citizen Aid Groups
      • Education Groups
    • Sports
  • Arts in The Park
    • Art Galleries in The Park
    • Theatres and Cinemas
    • Music Makers
    • The Barkettes
      • History and Legacy of The Barkettes
      • Thisbe and the Barkettes Celebrate 10 Years of Sensational Singing Success
      • Olden Goldies: Noreen Interviews The Barkettes
      • Thisbe and The Barkettes: Hits and Recordings
    • The Library
    • Book Reviews
  • Media in The Park
    • Newspapers
    • Magazines
    • Radio Stations
    • Television Stations
    • Publishing Companies
    • Mammalian Daily Associated News Services
  • Fun
    • Take Our Quick Quizzes!
    • See Our Ads
      • A Different Reality
      • Canine Standup Comedy
      • Fake News
      • Financial Crisis
      • Liquid Assets
      • Monkey See
      • Solid Ground
      • Who We Are
      • Think Outside the Book

The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen
  • Breaking News
    • NewsBits
    • Whoa! Braking News
  • Politics/Law/Crime
    • Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction
    • Past and Present Archons
  • Economy and Business
  • Education
  • Health and Medicine
    • Media
      • Month Without Metaphor
  • Focus on
  • Science and Technology
  • Arts, Entertainment, and Culture
    • Park Life
      • Ask a Poodle
      • Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM)
      • Passings
      • Gossip and Rumour
    • Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)
    • PIFF Piffle
    • Thisbe and the Barkettes
  • Noreen
    • Dear Noreen Advice Columns
  • Sports
    • Let’s Talk Balls!
  • Interviews
    • Five Questions For…
    • Survivor Profiles
  • Archives
    • Wednesday Rewind
    • Nostalgia
    • From the Vault

Sign our petition!

November 17, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

Sign our Petition!Help The Mammalian Daily secure an interview with controversial Toronto mayor, Rob Ford!

Sign our petition here: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/128/970/509/support-the-mammalian-daily-wants-to-interview-mayor-rob-ford/ or simply click on the photo above.

Filed Under: Breaking News

As hibernation date draws near, pressure mounts on Park Election Office to declare POPS winner

November 12, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

Official hibernation date, November 17

Pressure is mounting on the Park Election Office to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election before the official date of hibernation.

“No one envies me right now,” says Gerritt Wezel, as he scoots off to work well before dawn today. The head of the Park Election Office is feeling the heat, so to speak, even in the face of temperatures that are below the freezing mark.

This is the fourth day that Wezel has had to face the press outside his den and the fifth day since the election was held. Still, he has no results to relay and he says he has given up on making promises.

“It is what it is and it will be what it will be,” he says, almost shyly, as he makes his way to the scene of counting, sorting, and re-counting the hundreds of thousands of votes that were cast last Thursday.

As the official hibernation date of November 17 draws ever closer, pressure is mounting on the Park Election Office and its head to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election. But Wezel says that cannot be done in a hurry.

“Animals want to be secure in the knowledge that the winner we declare is the actual winner…the Animal who won the most votes,” he said in a radio interview over the weekend.

“And with the Animalpower we have, that is going to take time. But I can assure you that when we do announce the winner, it will be after a meticulous count and re-count and there will be no question as to the accuracy [of the count] and who the winner really is,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Heavy police presence at polling stations disturbing to voters

November 11, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

Polling station

Many voters who turned out to choose the 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) on November 7 were disturbed by the heavy police presence at the polling stations around The Park

The heavy police presence at polling stations around The Park during last week’s POPS election was disturbing to a large number of voters, according to a survey conducted by The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

The results of the survey, which were intended for internal use only, were leaked to The Mammalian Daily last night by a source who wishes to remain anonymous. The source attended a special meeting called to discuss the election results. That meeting included representatives from the DWBS, Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel, and members of an ad hoc committee whose duty it was to oversee the election. Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros was also present at the meeting.

According to The Mammalian Daily’s source, the purpose of the meeting was to ascertain the reason for the delay in determining the winner of the election and to discuss any irregularities in the voting or vote-counting process that may have occurred.

The source told The Mammalian Daily that the DWBS commissioned the survey in order to gauge Animals’ reaction to the presence of police during elections. Historically, police have not been present at POPS elections. They are usually peaceful events, as was the case this year. But the decision made by the DWBS to send police to the polling stations may have less to do with keeping the peace and more to do with plans to hold more elections in the future, the source said.

The election results, which were expected to be announced on November 8, are still pending.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Election results delayed due to record high voter turnout

November 8, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

Developing StoryResults of the 2014 POPS election have been delayed due to a record high voter turnout, according to the Park Election Office.

The election was held yesterday and this is the first time since 2003, when POPS elections were established, that results have not been announced the following morning.

In a statement released early this afternoon, PEO head Gerritt Wezel acknowledged that his office was unprepared for the numbers of Animals who turned out to cast their vote this year.

“We did not anticipate this degree of interest in the POPS election and we simply do not have the Animalpower, in terms of counting the votes, that would enable us at this time to project the winner with any accuracy,” the statement said.

Wezel confirmed to The Mammalian Daily this evening that he had left his staff go home to sleep and that the vote counting would resume tomorrow morning at 9:00.

Filed Under: Breaking News

POPS 2014: Let the campaign begin!

November 6, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

POPS 2014 List of Candidates

The list of candidates for POPS 2014 was released at 2:00 a.m. this morning by the Park Election Office.

The Park’s Election Office has released the names of the 145 Animals who have chosen to stand as candidates for the position of 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

At 2:00 a.m. this morning, the list of candidates was posted at the law courts and in front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, the venue that will host tonight’s all-candidates debate. The list will remain posted until all votes are tallied on November 7.

The total number of candidates this year is 145 and they represent a wide variety of species, many of whom have not previously been associated with weather prognostication.

“It’s an increase of more than 500 per cent over last year,” PEO head Gerritt Wezel told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

“We’re going to see quite the fight tonight,” he said. “You can tell from the campaigning so far.”

Some candidates began their campaign at 2:01 this morning, just one minute after the list of candidates was posted. Others, however, opted to wait for more Animals to be awake before they knocked on den doors or slipped their brochures into burrows or tunnels.

“I was up, of course, but I didn’t want to rouse any other Animal from sleep. I don’t think that’s how you get votes,” said Corazón Jirafa, who is the first of her species to stand for election.

Both Jirafa and Blandine Okapi said they believed it was important for them to run, even if they don’t stand a chance of winning.

“There’s been so much talk about striped and spotted Animals not getting a fair shake in The Park, not being treated equally,” said Okapi. “I kind of wanted to test that out and see for myself what kind of reaction I got.”

Candidates will be campaigning throughout the day until the all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 this evening.

“And after that, it’s up to the electorate to ponder its decision in blissful silence,” says Wezel.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Election Office “overwhelmed” by candidates for POPS 2014

November 3, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

POPS 2014 Candidate

Since eligibility rules changed to allow members of all species to stand as candidates for the position of Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), the number of those interested in doing so has grown “by leaps and bounds” says Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel.

Gerritt Wezel’s office is a shambles.

“I thought last year was bad, but I didn’t see this coming,” says the head of the Park Election Office (PEO), as he points to the piles upon piles of paper that cover his desk. The papers, which are registration forms that verify the names and life histories of this year’s candidates for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), have even spilled onto the floor, making any walk in this office a treacherous thing.

“Be careful where you step, or you could find yourself in court, charged with obstructing some Animal’s candidacy,” Wezel warns.

With only a few days to go before the annual all-candidates debate, the list of contenders vying for the position of POPS has grown so large that speaking time for each candidate has been cut in half. Wezel says that, otherwise, “we’d be going non-stop for a whole day.”

The PEO head believes that recent changes to the eligibility rules are the reason for the huge increase in the number of candidates.

“Ever since we opened up [candidacy] to all species, it’s grown by leaps and bounds,” he says.

This year, Wezel expects the final number to be well over 100, an increase over last year of more than 400 per cent.

“This is the highest level of interest we’ve seen and I don’t expect it to level off any time soon. And that’s why I think there may come a time when we’ll have to look at this thing differently and, perhaps, require some qualifications for the position,” he says.

That time is not likely to come soon, though. It has only been since 2003 (23 AZ), subsequent to the decision of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in the landmark case of “Spring’s Unsprung Heroes” vs the descendants of E. Bromley Groundhog, that the position of POPS has been an elected one. Park Animals, understandably, are liable to defend vigorously their right to stand as candidates, no matter how large the number gets.

In the meantime, Wezel says he is glad that November 5 is on the horizon. That is the last day that Animals are allowed to enter the race.

JUST THE FACTS

If you’re still thinking about running for POPS 2014, here are some things you should know:

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Archons urged to reveal modernization plan before budget

July 4, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

New budget

The 2013 Archons are under pressure to reveal the details of their “modernization” plan before the release of the 2014 budget by The Park Finance Office

The 2013 Archons are facing increasing pressure from the public to declare the details of their modernization plan before The Park Finance Office releases its 2014 budget later this month.

Following rumoured changes to The Park’s immigration policy, several of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations joined forces to mount a united response to any measures the Archons intended to implement.

Despite reassurances that “nothing drastic” is in the works, the ad hoc group has been pressuring the Archons for weeks to disclose details of any changes they plan to make to The Park’s core laws, [pullquote]“If the budget is being adjusted to accommodate changes we don’t agree with, we want to know before the numbers are set in stone.”
– Killeen Echidna, President of The Monotreme Alliance[/pullquote]including those regarding immigration, citizenship, freedom of assembly, freedom of expression, and food cultivation.

“It’s bad enough that any announcement at all will come this late, when so many of our compatriots are already estivating and unable to voice their opinion,” says Malinda L. Hamster, President of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). Her group is among those that have joined the ad hoc association.

“Or was that their intent all along?” asked Killeen Echidna, President of The Monotreme Alliance, on Toro Talk Radio last week.

For their part, the Archons “believe they have done their best to reassure Animals that any changes will be implemented slowly, in a step-by-step fashion,” said their press secretary Balthasar Alouatta. He declined to be specific about what “any changes” might mean, but was eager to remind Park citizens of the “orderly way in which calendar harmonization was achieved.”

That may well be true, but groups such as the SAHC and The Monotreme Alliance are more concerned about funding allocation than about whose calendar is used in The Park.

“If the budget is being adjusted to accommodate changes we don’t agree with, we want to know before the numbers are set in stone,” said Echidna.

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is expected to release the 2014 Park Budget at the end of July.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life

Park proclaims June to be “Enforced Domestication Awareness Month”

May 30, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

The 2013 Archons have proclaimed this June as the first Enforced Domestication Awareness month.

Displaying what some have called a “take charge attitude,” the 2013 Archons have proclaimed June the first annual “Enforced Domestication Awareness” month in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning outside the law courts, Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros made the announcement. Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Rhinoceros spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“In declaring this coming month of June the first annual Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, we are finally acknowledging the dangers of enforced domestication and committing to a strategy to overcome those dangers. This proclamation, dated 30 May 2013, signals our willingness to meet head-on one of the greatest challenges The Park has ever faced. Due to the economic downturn, we have lost many of our best and brightest to the outside world. The Park cannot afford such a brain drain. We must work toward solving our economic problems so that there exists no need to look beyond our borders for survival. And, with this awareness campaign, we hope to inform and educate Park citizens and residents about the reality of enforced domestication, so that they will be able to resist the temptation to engage with those who might tempt them to sacrifice their freedom,” she said.

While experts in the field stop short of calling the problem “Animalnapping,” the official definition of enforced domestication was broadened last year to include “enticement.” This expands the original definition of “the physical removal of Animals from The Park, without their consent, for the purpose of using them for service or companionship in a domestic situation.” According to The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records and Well-Being and Safety, ninety-nine per cent of enforced domestications are committed by Humans.

Planned events in support of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month include workshops, a series of public service announcements that will be broadcast on all Park television and radio stations and screenings of short films about the topic. As well, the Chief Archon advised that during the month of June an information booth staffed by workers from  Runaway Rovers will be installed beside the Ancient Oak Tree. The group, which provides assistance to formerly domestic Canines, has published a series of educational brochures entitled, “Enforced Domestication: It Could Happen to You.”  These will be distributed free of charge throughout June.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Immigration rules to favour those with short lifespans

May 22, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

TMD Exclusive

A Mammalian Daily investigation has revealed that some of the “modernization” ideas presented to the 2013 Archons include a new immigration policy that would favour Animals who have shorter lifespans.

An investigation conducted by The Mammalian Daily has revealed that proposed changes to The Park’s open immigration policy include a plan to favour shorter-lived species for citizenship.

The ideas for a new immigration policy form part of the “modernization initiative” that the 2013 Archons committed themselves to upon assuming office on January 16, 2013.

According to Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the Archons used the term “modernization” 67 times in their Groundhog Day address.

“The only word that was used more often was ‘economy’ and the phrases ‘economic crisis’ and ‘economic distress’ were, together, used 294 times in a speech that lasted for less than twenty minutes. I think we can assume from this that changes in policy [this year] will be economically-driven,” she said.

Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, agrees.

“There is no doubt in my mind that such a drastic change to the immigration policy would have its foundation in the desire to save money. But I think, if that is the case, that it’s a short-sighted and backward-looking policy and I say that fully aware of the possibility that my community might benefit from such a change,” he said.

If, in fact, the idea for the policy change were economically-driven, it is generally assumed the reason would be the Archons’ desire to cap the amount of money The Park spends on each immigrant Animal in terms of readjustment counselling, health care, establishing a home, job training, etc. But, says Grouse, the short-sightedness of that is “glaringly obvious.”

“The longer an Animal lives in The Park, the longer she or he has to contribute in a myriad of ways to our life here. It is plainly stupid to favour a short-lived population over a balanced mix of species for any reason at all,” he said.

Still, says historian and author Pieter Paard, there are historical precedents for this kind of action, “all of which prove it is a terrible move to make and something that will have a negative effect on a society such as ours for a long time.”

As for the 35 Archons with whom these policy decisions rest, they remain silent on the subject. According to their press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta, the Archons are “looking at all ideas and will make announcements regarding any decisions in the coming months.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Archons lambasted over commissioning “official” Park song

March 9, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

The 2013 Archons have come under fire for commissioning an “official” Park song to be played or sung at official functions

The 2013 Archons are feeling the heat from Park citizens just days after announcing that they commissioned the composition of an “official” Park song.

Their intention was to have a song created “that would evoke feelings of pride and loyalty in Park Animals…something stirring that would excite all of us and make us feel appreciative of living in The Park.” That was the explanation given by the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta when he met with media representatives on March 5 to announce the commission. The song will be played or sung at all official Park functions, he said, as well as at artistic and sporting events.

While the Archons may have believed the song would please Park Animals, the opposite appears to be the case. In a sendup of the announcement, the popular Park newspaper, The Equine Echo, ran a headline yesterday mocking the idea. Presenting it as if it were an advertisement in the “personals” category of their classified section, Echo editors wrote this headline: “2013 Archons seek song singing Park’s praises for use at celebrations.”

On a more serious note, a number of academics as well as Park political commentators have weighed in since the announcement of the song, and all are of the same opinion: it’s a bad idea and it should be scrapped.

In a radio interview yesterday, beloved Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier faculty member Noreen expressed what many others have been thinking: “There is something almost Human about this business of celebrating ourselves and our accomplishments,” she said. “I think we’ve imbibed this sort of Rah Rah attitude from the Humans around us. And I don’t think it’s a good idea at all.”

Beatrice Zilonis, distinguished  UWT professor of history, echoed Noreen’s sentiments.

“Historically, we haven’t dealt with things in this way. Park Animals are not boastful and I find it rather disconcerting to see the Archons attempting to manufacture pride, especially if their intent is to use that pride as way of keeping The Park together. It strikes me as quite a desperate move on their part,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

« Previous Page
Next Page »

Follow Us

  • X
  • Facebook
  • YouTube

Mammalian Daily-Related Sites

  • The Park Census
  • The Park Museum
  • The University of West Terrier

The Mammalian Daily on Twitter

  • Chef Tab Tricolore
  • Gunnar Rotte
  • Hieronymous Hedgehog
  • Mammalian Daily
  • Media's Month Without Metaphor
  • Millicent Hayberry
  • Noreen
  • Park Groundhog Day Celebrations
  • Pieter Paard
  • PIFF Reports
  • Yannis Tavros

Welcome to the Media Circus!

Looking for something?

Archives

How wise you are to read this newspaper!

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

TMD quick links

  • TMD 101: A quick guide to reading The Mammalian Daily
  • The Best of Noreen
  • Interviews
  • Take Our Quick Quizzes!
  • Nostalgia: Celebrating 1,000 articles!

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

July 2025
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  
« Jun    

Contents Copyright © 2025 The Mammalian Daily