The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Cricket Ball

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Today’s ball is the CRICKET ball.

The cricket ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the Mediaeval period, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the cricket ball was first employed by Dogs as a tool in the annual harvesting of the fields in Mediaeval Africa.

Scholars familiar with the period cite the drama of the time, commonly known as “Meerakle Plays,” as evidence that the balls were regularly used for two purposes: the harvesting of cotton and, later, protecting the farm against thieving Meerkats in the area.

The balls, which were constructed of cork from the northern part of Africa, are believed to have been transported to the south for the purpose of harvesting cotton. This the Dogs did by rolling the balls over the cotton as it lay in mounds on the ground, after it had been picked off the bush. As the balls picked up the cotton, they grew larger and larger until they became impossible to roll. The farmers, then, collected the balls, removed the mass of cotton from the cork base, and tossed them back to the Dogs. This tossing action scared the Meerkats and the farm Dogs soon began to use this method to secure the fields. The Dogs tossed the balls, first with their paws and, later, with branches and twigs that they collected from nearby trees.

Centuries later, after cotton harvesting became automated and other methods were used to secure the farms, the tossing of the cricket ball remained a popular pastime among the farm Dogs.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the cricket ball.

Sources: MeerStories and Mediaeval Meerakle Plays; Farming in the Middle Ages; Domestic Chronicles of the Middle Ages,Volume 9, Farming; Farming and Manufacture from Their Beginnings Until Today, Volume 3, Balls; If Balls Could Talk; Ballieving; Follow the Bouncing Ball: How Dogs Introduced Balls to the Human World; various newspaper articles and reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Tennis Ball

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Today’s ball is the TENNIS ball.

The tennis ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the ancient world, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the tennis ball was first used in the hospitality rites that were common among the ancient Canines.

Evidence from Canine epic poetry suggests that the balls were used in the entertainment portion of these rites. Citing lines from The Kyniad, the oldest of these poems, cynologists at the University of West Terrier have supported their belief that the balls were used in a type of “dance” that was performed in front of guests at the end of a meal. In Books VI and VII of the poem, young female Canines toss the ball back and forth, nose to nose, to the sound of string music.

These balls, which were originally terracotta spheres, were covered in vine leaves in order to cushion the blow to the Dogs’ noses. Historians postulate that, as this rite evolved, paddles fashioned from tree branches and fitted with cloth at one end were used to strike the ball. Many years later, the balls were refashioned out of more flexible material.

While this hospitality rite eventually disappeared from use, the dance became a favourite pastime in the years before zoocracy.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the tennis ball.

Sources: The Kyniad; Daily Life in the Ancient Canine World, Volume 3: Balls; Balls of the Ancient Canine Games; Hospitality Rites and Rituals in the Ancient Canine World; From Sphere to Shining Sphere: A History of Balls Across the Ages; The Canine’s Illustrated Guide to Balls; Ancient Spherophiles and their Influence on History; Follow the Bouncing Ball: How Dogs Introduced Balls to the Human World; The Concept of Play in the Ancient Canine World; Balls: An Appreciation; various newspaper articles and reports.  

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Squash Ball

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Today’s ball is the SQUASH ball.

The squash ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally found in European royal households (or courts, as they are called) cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the first squash balls were used by the court Dogs as vessels for the preparation and dispensation of medicines.

Early illustrations suggest that the first squash balls were hollow and inflexible spherical contraptions that were made of polished ebony. The first balls were manufactured in two pieces which were fastened together with two nails whose heads protruded at one end of the ball.

Historians postulate that one part of the ball was filled with dried leaves, berries, and other plant materials that Dogs ingested to relieve the symptoms of illness. The other part contained a number of rough stones. When the two parts of the ball were joined together, the ball was thrown hard against the wall, 50-100 times, in order to pulverize the materials inside. Once these medicaments were ground to a powder, they were dispensed through the holes that were left when the nails were removed.

Long after the ebony balls ceased to be used for grinding, the court Dogs still engaged in the ritual of throwing them against the wall. This sport was made even more pleasurable for them after they discovered rubber (more than 200 years before zoocracy) and began to manufacture the balls from this substance.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the squash ball.

Sources: Balls: History and Prehistory, Volume 5; The Ball Files; Royal Dogs and their Balls; The Effects of Balls on the European Court; The Use of Balls in the Modern Age; Butternut Balls: A Modern Study; BALLography:Historical Truths and other Tales about Balls; various newspaper articles and reports. 

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Golf Ball

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Today’s ball is the GOLF ball.

The golf ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally known as the “gulf” ball, these dimpled, spherical formations were discovered at the mouth of the Gulf of México, many thousands of years before the common era (and Zoocracy).

Naturally occurring and of limestone, archaeological evidence suggests that the ball’s dimples were formed by erosion that was caused by the thick sands found in the deep Gulf.

Many scholars believe that the first gulf balls were discovered by Chihuahuas who had set up camp in the area. Others are of the opinion that it was the Havanese who were the first to find the gulf ball, living as they did at the mouth of the Gulf of México. All are in agreement, however, that it was, indeed, the Havanese who spearheaded the campaign to manufacture replicas of the ball and to encourage its use as a recreational tool. It was also the Havanese who transported it, many centuries later, to the British Isles.

The first recorded use of the gulf ball was found in the log of a ship captain.

It read:“The dog [sic] brought the stone gulf ball onto the ship and [one of] the crew[men], [who were] by then exhausted and of low spirits, took a long, sharp object and smacked the stone back into the water. The rest of the crew applauded his effort and thought the deed done until the dog brought another stone for smacking…”

Thus was born the game that we now call “Golf,” which is played with the ball of the same name, the word “gulf” having undergone vocalic change as a result of its pairing with the word “ball.”

Since that time, the game and its ball have provided many hours of joy for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: A Short History of Canine Sport; Balls: History and Prehistory, Volume 1; The Havanese and the Coming of Golf; Golf: The Game and its History; Limestone Cowboys; Balls Across the Water: The True Story of the Gulf Ball; Dimpled Future: The Effect of Golf on the Lives of Humans; various newspaper articles and reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Cricket Ball

By

Today’s ball is the CRICKET ball.

The cricket ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the Mediaeval period, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the cricket ball was first employed by Dogs as a tool in the annual harvesting of the fields in Mediaeval Africa.

Scholars familiar with the period cite the drama of the time, commonly known as “Meerakle Plays,” as evidence that the balls were regularly used for two purposes: the harvesting of cotton and, later, protecting the farm against thieving Meerkats in the area.

The balls, which were constructed of cork from the northern part of Africa, are believed to have been transported to the south for the purpose of harvesting cotton. This the Dogs did by rolling the balls over the cotton as it lay in mounds on the ground, after it had been picked off the bush. As the balls picked up the cotton, they grew larger and larger until they became impossible to roll. The farmers, then, collected the balls, removed the mass of cotton from the cork base, and tossed them back to the Dogs. This tossing action scared the Meerkats and the farm Dogs soon began to use this method to secure the fields. The Dogs tossed the balls, first with their paws and, later, with branches and twigs that they collected from nearby trees.

Centuries later, after cotton harvesting became automated and other methods were used to secure the farms, the tossing of the cricket ball remained a popular pastime among the farm Dogs.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the cricket ball.

Sources: MeerStories and Mediaeval Meerakle Plays; Farming in the Middle Ages; Domestic Chronicles of the Middle Ages,Volume 9, Farming; Farming and Manufacture from Their Beginnings Until Today, Volume 3, Balls; If Balls Could Talk; Ballieving; Follow the Bouncing Ball: How Dogs Introduced Balls to the Human World; various newspaper articles and reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Bowling Ball

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Today’s ball is the BOWLINGball.

The bowling ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally designed as a culinary tool, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the bowling ball was the first vessel used by the Cave Dog when he began to mix and cook his morning gruel.

Shards gathered at the rich clay areas of The Park suggest that the first bowling balls were earthenware creations. These balls originally had no holes; later balls discovered near the site were found to have three holes. Scholars postulate that the Cave Dog added holes at a later time in order to allow steam to rise from the ball when it was placed on the open fire.

As Canine cooking methods evolved, Dogs began to favour open pots. Bowling balls were relegated to the shelves as decoration until many centuries later, when they became one of the tools of War Dogs in Human military campaigns.

Military logs displayed in The Park’s Canine Military Museum reveal that the bowling ball was used by the War Dogs as a “paw grenade.” After filling it with gunpowder, the Dogs rolled the ball into enemy territory, where it exploded. So successful was this manoeuvre that it was employed in many wars and came to be known as the “three-hole punch.”

As more sophisticated combat methods replaced the “paw grenade,” the ball’s use became strictly recreational. Since that time, the bowling ball has provided many hours of joy for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: Canine Culinary History, Volume 1; Annals of the Canine Military Museum, “L’enfer, c’est la guerre,” by Denis Bagarre; Various newspaper articles and reports. 

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Soccer Ball

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Today’s ball is the SOCCER ball.

The soccer ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the Mediaeval period, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the soccer ball was first used by the Mediaeval Dog in the crime-control ritual of raising the hue and cry.

Mediaeval scholars cite testimonial evidence in their belief that it was the Chief TithingDog who bore the responsibility of raising the hue and cry. This he effected by kicking the soccer ball into the middle of the town’s main square, and leaving it there until the alleged criminal had been arrested.

Scholars believe that the soccer ball was the first of the illuminated balls of the late 13th century and, as such, it proved to be the perfect tool for alerting the citizenry to the presence of a criminal at large.

Information from mediaeval epic poetry and sagas suggests that it was the organization of a formal Police force that led to the obsolescence of the hue and cry ritual and, thus, to the end of the use of the soccer ball as a tool of law enforcement.

Nevertheless, the soccer ball retained its place in the heart of the Mediaeval Dog and he used it in a variety of his feudal games.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the soccer ball.

Sources: Domestic Chronicles of the Middle Ages: Volume 10, Balls; The Ball Files; Mediaeval Belief Systems and their Relationship to Balls; The Use of Balls in the Age of Chivalry.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Basketball

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Today’s ball is the BASKETball.

The basketball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally designed as an adjunct tool for gathering food, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the basketball was first employed by the Cave Dog on his forays into the wilderness in search of sustenance.

Archaeological evidence suggests that the first basketballs were stones that were covered in a heavy fabric. This fabric, which was the colour of terracotta, was wrapped several times around the stone until the circumference of the “ball” measured at least ten times that of the original stone.

Scholars believe that the ball was placed in the centre of the basket that the Cave Dog wore around his neck on food-gathering trips. The basketball, which weighed at least 1 kilogram, prevented the basket from shaking to and fro as the Cave Dog foraged about.

Many believe sporting history was made on the day that the woven reeds in the centre of the basket broke and the ball fell through the hole. The Cave Dog, who was amused by this occurrence, picked up the ball and dropped it, again, through the broken basket. He repeated this play with the ball, from ever increasing heights, until he settled on the idea of hanging the broken basket above the cave door.

Since that time, the broken basket and its companion ball have provided many hours of pleasure for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: Survival and Sustenance in the Prehistoric World, Volume 4: Balls; The Fireside Book of Canine Prehistory; The Extraordinary Life of the Everyday Dog (2nd edition); The World of the Prehistoric Dog: Revelations and Balls; Various Newspaper Articles and Reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

This column originally appeared in Issue #112 of The Mammalian Daily.

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Football

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Today’s ball is the FOOTball.

The football has a long history with Dogs.

Originally designed as a domestic tool, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe the football was first used by the Cave Dog in his attempts to keep the cave door open.

Archaeological evidence suggests that the first footballs were products of the potter’s craft. Scholars at the University of West Terrier who have examined shards found in recent digs believe that these first clay footballs were built by hand and fired in a simple kiln.

Cave paintings depicting the Cave Dog receiving visitors suggest that the football was used in the ancient Canine hospitality ritual of leaving the door ajar to welcome guests. Many scholars believe the first kick of the football occurred when the Cave Dog moved the ball in order to secure the cave door.

As rocks began to be used in the hospitality ritual, the football became less of a tool and more of a toy. Retaining its original earthen colour, the football has provided many hours of joy for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: Canine Prehistory: Society and Ritual; The Cave Dog’s Guide to the Sporting World; Daily Life in the Ancient Canine World, Volume 3: Balls; The Canine Picture Book of Balls; The Educated Ball Owner’ s Guide to the Good Life; Various Newspaper Articles and Reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com.

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Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Baseball

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Today’s ball is the BASEball.

The baseball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally conceived as a hunting tool, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe the baseball was first used by the cave Dog on his forays into the wilderness in search of food.

Archaeological evidence suggests that the baseball pre-dates other methods popularly believed to have been used by Dogs in their hunt. In fact, the word “base” is thought to be a corruption of the ancient Canine word, “baas,” which means “food.” Linguists believe this suggests that, in the beginning, the Cave Dog thought of the baseball as a “food” ball.

The word “baas” is also closely related to the Human word “baa,” which is used as an imitation of the sound that Sheep make. This serves as further evidence of the baseball’s connection with food.

It is widely held that it was the Mexican Free-Tailed Bat who first introduced the Cave Dog to the notion of using the baseball in a form of sport.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the baseball.

Sources: Canine Prehistory: Society and Ritual; The Cave Dog’s Guide to the Sporting World; The Canine Picture Book of Balls; The Educated Ball Owner’s Guide to the Good Life; Various Articles and Reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

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