The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day—August 5, 2015: UWT to investigate allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans

By

UWT COATBREAKING NEWS

The University of West Terrier announced today that it has initiated an investigation into allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans.

The announcement came in a statement signed by the President and Governors of the University and posted on the university’s web site.

According to the statement, the allegations under investigation stem from research conducted by the Department of Human Studies. No researchers or areas of research are named and the statement emphasizes the broad nature of the investigation:

The university wishes to emphasize that this is an investigation into alleged misconduct and that no particular member of our faculty or student body is under investigation at this juncture.

The investigating team consists of several UWT faculty members who serve the university independently of the Department of Human Studies. These include Dr. Chloris Cougar, Dr. Fionnula L. Fox, Dr. Hume T. Goat, Dr. Luule Aednik, and Dr. Simone Gibbon. Other team members are Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit, and Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. Dr. Milada J. page4image31040Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the University of West Terrier and a senior member of the Committee to Oversee Scientific Research in The Park (COSRIP) will oversee the team and the investigation.

Although no time frame for a final report by the investigating team was mentioned in the statement, a spokesAnimal for the university told The Mammalian Daily that the administration is committed to conducting the investigation in a fair and timely manner.

On This Day—August 4, 2015: Park Museum to host major exhibition dealing with rôle of sport in Park life

By

Park MuseumThe Park Museum announced today that it will host a major exhibition dealing with the rôle of sport in Park life.

In a post on its web site, the museum said the exhibition, entitled, Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals, will feature more than five hundred works including oil and watercolour paintings, photographs, sculpture, works in metal and glass, and textile impressions, “all celebrating balls and the way they inform Park life.”

Co-curated by The Park Museum’s resident curator, Dorika Pumi, and Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and sports historian, Bailey, the exhibition is scheduled to open in the Spring of 2016.

“This is the first exhibit of its kind anywhere in The Park and I am honoured that we have been invited to assist in its assembly,” said Clark Cascanueces, president of the Park Historical Society, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Cascanueces praised the museum for its “foresight” and called the upcoming exhibition a “major breakthrough.”

“For the most part, we have ignored the importance of sport—and of leisure activities— in the lives of Park Animals, “he said. “We’ve chosen to focus on survival and prosperity, but sport has great historical importance to Animals and, I would venture to say, is a necessary component of a good life.”

More information on the exhibit will be available in the new year.

On This Day—August 3, 2012: Getting to know you, getting to know all about you: Mammalian Daily to publish series of survivor profiles

By

The Mammalian Daily announced today that it has engaged the services of a pair of noted biographers to write a series of pieces about refugee Animals who have made their homes in The Park.

The series, which will be called “Survivor Profiles” will appear under the Influential Animals tab on the newspaper’s web site.

“We think we know our friends and neighbours,” said a spokesAnimal for the paper. “But the truth is, there are things we don’t talk about sometimes, such as where we came from and what life was like there. This series will give us a chance to get to know each other in a deeper way.”

The profiles will appear monthly and will be written by biographers Adeola Kifaru and Kamilah Tembo. Kifaru’s latest work, Ululate!, was described in a recent book review as “the most touchingly-written true story published to date”. Kamilah Tembo, who won the biography prize at the 2011 Park Annual Literary Awards (now known as Chitter Radio Literary Awards) for her book, Never Too Soon, is, herself, the daughter of Park refugees.

The Survivor Profile series will begin this month.

On This Day—August 2, 2012: Poorwill Commoners no “fly-by-night” team: coach

By

The coach of one of The Park’s most popular Avian teams has lashed out at critics who branded him “ineffectual” and his team “unworthy” of competing.

At a press conference held at dusk, Charles “Chuck” Nightjar, coach of the Poorwill Commoners, directly addressed the recent spate of criticism that has resulted in a call for his resignation and a complete overhaul of the team membership. In a speech aimed directly at the media, Nightjar countered accusations that he was ill-suited to lead the team and that the team was, somehow, “unstable” and unreliable.

The team has come under fire recently for being a no-show at several daytime training events and, more importantly, for allowing reservists to play in the regular season. The club has also been criticized for allowing members of other species to play for the team during hibernation season, when team members traditionally go into a state of torpor, and for allowing these players to train with the team during the regular season. Coach Nightjar has vigorously defended this policy, saying that all team members benefit from practice and that there is no way to compete during hibernation without bringing in team members from other species.

“The fact that we invite members of other species to play on our team [during hibernation season] in no way signals that we are less-than-serious competitors,” he stressed. “All our members are loyal to the team and focused on winning.”

The coach also took the opportunity to make a plea for fan restraint.

“We appreciate our fans. They’re very zealous…but they can be overly-zealous, too, sometimes,” he said, referring to a recent incident in which a group of passionate supporters painted their feathers and tails the colour of team members and flew out on a destructive nocturnal spree, trashing the nests of rival teams.

“This sort of thing has no place in sport,” Nightjar said.

On This Day—August 1, 2013: Weather, education, and tourism find a place in 2014 budget

By

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts believed he had a sweet secret to share this morning when he strode up to the press conference podium to release his Office’s expense projections for 2014, otherwise known as The Park Budget.

Displaying confidence in the PFO’s “tough decisions,” and assuming the budget would be “widely approved,” the smiling Struts assured reporters and observers that “we listened intently to Park Animals’ concerns” and that the PFO took them all into consideration when formulating the budget.

“We have attempted to be sensitive to issues that are important to Park citizens,” he said, before using his signature line to the media as the press conference concluded:

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand any longer.”

But, at the after-conference, many reporters and financial analysts had questions that seemed to surprise Struts.

Why, for instance, had both healthcare and security budgets been reduced, many asked, while groundskeeping and water had received a boost in funding? And, while no one seemed surprised that arts and sports funding as well as funding for special events had been reduced drastically (virtually halved since the 2012 budget was presented), many were genuinely puzzled by the bare bones budget set out for public education.

“I am shocked and disappointed,” said 2012 Archon Boniface Cuckoo.

“We (the 2012 Archons) wanted to make public education our legacy and we had the plan in place to do it, including building new educational venues and standardizing the curriculum. That can’t be done on 5%,” he said.

Predictably, the “mere 3%” allocated to tourism, as Struts called it, drew fierce criticism as an unnecessary and unwarranted expenditure and few seemed to believe Struts’s claim that weather would be better financed in the coming year.

“I think what they did was take a little from here, a little from there, and then put a different label on it. They thought they could placate us by giving weather its own place in the budget, but I don’t believe they’ve truly allocated any extra funding for it. We will have to see as things unfold,” said Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Unless he has some real answers for us, Mr. Struts might find his sweet secret has turned a little sour,” she said.

Related articles:

On This Day—July 31, 2012: CAA renews campaign to “Bring Back the Dog Paddle!”

By

The Canine Athletic Association has renewed its campaign to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive stroke.

In a statement published today, the Association once again asserted that the swimming stroke, which fell out of fashion some years ago, is an excellent test of aquatic prowess and should be reinstated in time for the next Interspecial Summer Games in 2013.

A spokesDog for the CAA said the Association’s renewed efforts will include multimedia coverage featuring well-known Park sports figures as well as celebrities such as Bisbee Bichon and I.S. Chow, stars of Varden Spaniel’s 2009 film, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed.

“This will be an all-out sensory assault,” said the spokesDog, who confirmed that radio spots had been scheduled on all Park radio stations, public service announcements will be broadcast on all television stations and advertisements will run in most of The Park’s print media.

“We’ve even commissioned a new scent, ‘Soggy Dog’, which will be available for purchase exclusively at the Reek-O-Rama beginning in September,” he said. Proceeds from the scent will go to supporting Canine athletes who are currently training to swim in the Dog paddle competition at the 2013 Summer Games.

“That’s how sure we are that we will be successful this time around,” said the spokesDog.

The Canine Athletic Association launched its first Dog paddle campaign two years before the 2008 (26 AZ) Interspecial Summer Games. That campaign, however, was not successful.

The 2013 Interspecial Summer Games will take place during the last two weeks of September 2013.

On This Day—July 30, 2014: Aardeekhoorn memorial set for August 1

By

LiliesThe memorial service in honour of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn has been scheduled for Friday, August 1, it was announced today.

The service will take place at the Park Repertory Theatre. There will, in fact, be five services or more held, according to a spokesAnimal for the theatre.

“We all wanted to hold the memorial here, but we do not have sufficient room for the numbers we anticipate. As a compromise, we decided to hold the service a number of times. There will be no difference in the content of the services; just in the time,” the spokesAnimal said.

Members of The Park’s stage and screen communities, including Millicent Hayberry, directors Donald Merriami and Douglas Cheetah, and Leola Ocelot of the Park Interspecial Fllm Festival (PIFF) will speak at the memorial. Other scheduled speakers include Chef Tab Tricolore, Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), representatives of the Park Alliance of Chipmunks (PAC) and the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and some of Aardeekhoorn’s close friends and family members.

The first service will begin at 10:00 am.

On This Day—July 30, 2013: Museum excavators recover beloved Park tome

By

The book that was recovered by workers excavating at the site of the future Park Museum is a beloved Park tome that went missing ten years ago.

In a statement released to the press this afternoon, Catriona Cairn-Terrier, Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML), confirmed the identity of the find.

“It is with great pleasure that I confirm for you today that, after extensive testing in our laboratories, we have concluded definitively that the book that was discovered during excavations at the site of the future Park Museum is, indeed, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat,” the statement read.

Cairn-Terrier also commended the workers from Burrows and Beyond, the construction company that was hired to prepare the ground at the Park Museum.

“They called the ISML as soon as they found the book. They showed a real sensitivity to the find and I commend them for it,” she noted in the press release.

The book, which is much beloved in The Park, went missing ten years ago, after a storm toppled the display in which it was housed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The book had resided there for seven years after the death of its author, ZoëCat, in 1996. Every day, a page was turned so that ZoëCat’s followers and other passersby could read a new entry.

“ZoëCat is revered in The Park,” says Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces.

“She was a great thinker; she had the highest IQ of any Animal in The Park and she was the older sister of Jor, our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Her influence on him must have been immense,” he said.

In all, the book’s pages number 6,975 and span the years from her early Kittenhood until a month before her death. The autobiographical tome, which is filled with her personal, political, and philosophical musings, was never formally published and the book that was found by the excavators is believed to be the only extant copy.

On This Day—July 29, 2011: Park to host first media circus this weekend

By

In an effort to acquaint citizens, residents, and visitors with the important work that they do, The Park’s various media outlets will host a circus this weekend at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

An open invitation, posted at the Wishing Well by Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP), encourages “all Animals who reside, frequent, or visit The Park,” to come out this weekend to meet the press.

“[We think that] all Animals should avail themselves of the opportunity to meet those of us who work in the media, especially the reporters. These are the Animals who struggle against seemingly insurmountable odds and who put their lives at risk every day to bring back accurate accountings of goings-on, both inside and outside The Park,” van de Gier said in an interview on PBC Radio this morning.

The two-day event is the first of its kind in The Park. Every Park newspaper, magazine, radio, and television station will be represented in some form. In addition, the AMOP president said, there will be “fun and games” for both young and old. These will include a chance to “play reporter” by covering your choice of a mock trial at the Court House, a disease outbreak at The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, or a play opening at the Burrow Theatre. Other mock events planned are hosting a radio interview, following a police chase, and rummaging through a celebrity Animal’s garbage.There will be many prizes awarded, as well, van de Gier said, and the top prize will be the chance to be interviewed on Toro Talk Radio by host Yannis Tavros.

For those who find the event so riveting that they are moved to make a career change, representatives of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism will be on hand to explain just what is involved in training for a career in media.

Who: Representatives of all Park media outlets
What: Media Circus
Where: Ancient, Open-Air Theatre
When: July 30-31
Why: Meet the press, ask questions, learn about media, play reporter, have fun

On This Day—July 28, 2016: Did DWBS Summer safety alert come too late for some?

By

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has come under heavy criticism for issuing its Summer security alert too late.

Yesterday’s alert, which is only the second Summer alert ever issued, warned Park Animals to be vigilant around Humans vacationing in The Park.

According to the DWBS communiqué, Park Animals should deal with Humans in a “professional” manner, refrain from befriending Human children, refuse all invitations to enter vehicles, and refuse any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.

“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during their time off work and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” the DWBS warned.

The alert is comprehensive. But critics say the delay in issuing it has cost some Animals their security and perhaps, in some cases, their lives.

“This alert should have been issued a month ago, at least. Six weeks ago would have been perfect,” says Delma Falter of The Park’s Missing Animals Registry.

Falter says that this Summer, she’s had the “very sad task” of adding names to the Registry.

“It’s a difficult thing to do. I deal with families reporting their friends, their mates, their young, missing. We try to give them hope, but the truth is many of them will never be found. And this Summer, the numbers have grown to the point where I would call it a crisis,” she said.

Other frontline workers agree.

Arrosa Katu of the Feral Cat Helpline says she and other volunteers have seen a record number of calls this year.

“I would say roughly four hundred per cent more, and during many of those calls, I’ve had to tell families to call the Missing Animals Registry,” she says.

Katu and Falter say much of this could have been avoided.

“The DWBS made a big mistake in waiting so long to issue the alert. Many of us would call it a fatal error,” says Falter.

Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

September 2026
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930