The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

What’s up in May is bound to be merry!

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Spring is busting out all over, so there’s plenty to look forward to in The Park in May. Put these events on your calendar:

May 1-31: Park Media’s Month Without Metaphor If you care about language and the way media use it, follow Month Without Metaphor. Now in its eighth year and under the direction of The Serangga Star Adviser’s Priscilla Weevil, the month-long check on media has expanded to include spotlighting our own use—and misuse—of language and the effects thereof. Keep up with MWM every day here on Twitter or grab a KartalTech VerifyzerMHM™ and start your own search for metaphor, hypberole, and manipulation.

May 1: Toe-Hair Contest We’ve been waiting all Winter and now we finally get to see who grew the longest and thickest toe-hairs. Have fun, argue about the outcome, and get inspired for next year!

May 8: Annual Park Mating Dance It’s the most important mating event in The Park and the ongoing partnership with gewper, the only scented social networking site, will make finding your perfect mate simpler and quicker! Registration opens on May 2.

May 20: Anixi Agrarian Jubilee Come celebrate Spring in The Park, and the cultivators, planters, growers, and farmers who produce our Summer and Autumn bounty!

May 30: Otter Mud Slide Opens It’s that time of year again! Slip and slide your way to fun in The Park. There’s no doubt: you “otter” do it!

May 31: The Fowl Ball The most important event in The Park’s Spring social season, this charity gala raises funds to aid The Park’s Avian Community. It’s also a great opportunity for Park Animals to show off their new coats and Spring finery. Be sure to make your grooming appointment early!

Look what’s coming up in April!

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April will shower you with special events, so mark these dates on your calendar!

April 8-10: The Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual “Broopee Days” Are you a Broopee? We’re all Broopees during the Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual Broopee Days! Try the super-specials in April and don’t forget to enter the instant win contests!

April 14: Footpad Heaven Clearance Sale Don’t be a slave to style! Even though it may be last year’s stock, Footpad Heaven’s Toepads, Footpads and other clearance accoutrement are brand new. Indulge yourself at half the price!

April 17-18: Spring Shoots Mini Feral Roots Festival
Let celebrity chef Tab Tricolore be your host at this Spring event! In its second season, the Mini Feral Roots Festival will feature fresh bulbs, shoots, and other feral delicacies fresh from the ground at grassRoutes. 

April 20: Happy 7th Birthday, KwikLiks! There’s gonna be a party! Come celebrate #7 with proprietress Maitea Behi and her team! There’ll be free flash grooming, music, prizes, and lots of treats for the whole family!

April 26-27: University of West Terrier Forum: What does a Human want? For the second year this timely forum will discuss the needs and desires of the two-legged species, both in the context of Humans’ own lives as well as the effects these needs and desires have on the lives of Park Animals. Participants in the forum include Dr. Luule Aednik and his team of researchers from the Department of Psychology and Noreen, adjunct professor of Human Studies, as well as other faculty members.

Migrating Home
For the whole month of April and beyond, we’ll be celebrating the return of our Avian population. Keep your eyes and ears open for special events at The Literary Apothecary, LeTwiggery, The Pluming Room, and more.

Look what’s coming up in March!

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There’s always a lot going on in The Park come Springtime and the action starts in March. Mark these Park events on your calendar so you don’t miss a thing!

March 1-31: The Park Museum celebrates its seventh birthday Come and celebrate the seventh anniversary of the opening of The Park Museum!

Stop by for treats or spend the whole day at the museum. There’s plenty to see and do and eat and drink and it’s all free of charge.

Can’t make it during the day? No problem! Reserve your place at one or all of the birthday concerts every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night in March, starting at eight o’clock. Post-concert parties begin at ten o’clock. See you there!

March 1-31: Museum Month In 2015, the Archons proclaimed March to be Museum Month in The Park. That means that all Park museums and galleries offer free admission throughout the month. Take advantage of this great opportunity to learn about our history and appreciate our rich culture by visiting The Park Museum, The Park Museum of Contemporary Art, The Ewe and Moo Gallery, The Tortoiseshell Gallery, The Kipos Gallery, The Knochen Kunst Gallery, Fusion Ceramics Studio, The Park Museum of Contemporary Art, the art gallery at the University of West Terrier, and the small museum at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life.

Otter Slide participant

March 13: Closing date for the Otter Ice Slide
Yes, we’re all looking forward to Spring, but some of us just can’t shake that Winter feeling. If that describes you, get over to the Otter Ice Slide while the weather still permits. There’s no feeling like it, but that feeling won’t last past March 13.

March 16-23: UWT Hosts For second year in a row, the University of West Terrier will host a series of talks and information sessions for both Park residents and Humans. Chaired by Noreen, adjunct professor of Human Studies and director of the Human Crisis Task Force, the talks will see experts from a number of field discuss the differences in physical and mental health, behaviour, and lifestyle among different species. Open to the public. No tickets necessary, but registration on site is mandatory.

March 24: Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic The Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic is one of our most beloved seasonal and artistic events. Now in its twenty-sixth year, the Picnic has expanded to include haiku and rap, but the format of the day remains the same. Don’t forget to check the weather forecast so you know how to dress to avoid either frozen nose syndrome or soggy bottom.

The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" will now be called "The Shakeoff"

March 29: The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff” Formerly the “Shake for Charity,” this semi-annual event aids those who have no coat. The Shakeoff also offers free grooming and refreshments to participants.
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”

March 30:
Tulip season
Yes, it’s that time of year already. Tap your apps to find the latest emerging bulbs. If you need any technical help, our resident experts at The Mammalian Daily will be on hand to aid you in locating your favourite Springtime snack.

Mark your calendars for these very important February 2022 Park events

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IF you thought January was a busy month, you’ll have to fasten your seatbelt for February! It’s a busy and emotional time in The Park and even though we can’t be together, let’s try to enjoy it virtually! To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

February 1: Get up! Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day! Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until after the weekend, with all the virtual events that are planned! And try to make sure you look your best, even if it’s just for you and yours.

February 2: Groundhog Day This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear the name of the 2022 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) and then the POPS will tell us what the weather has in store for us. After that, we’ll hear from the Archons about what our government has in store for us! Coverage of the festivities starts at 7:00 a.m. and will go on until midnight.

And don’t forget: even though we can’t party together, Park shops will still hold their annual Groundhog Day sales!

February 2-10: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales Whether or not our 2021 POPS predicts an early Spring, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1-5 to take orders for pickup!

February 11: Park School of Aesthetics Second Annual Open House (Virtual). The private vocational institution founded in 2014 by members of the Association of Registered Grooming Houses (ARGH) will host its second ever Open House—and its first Virtual Open House. The School’s reputation is built on its two-year curriculum, during which students become proficient in a wide range of grooming methods and styles, as well as advanced theory and techniques in trichology, aesthetics, massage, and more.

3d-tabby-king-cropped

February 14: Anniversary of the birth of Jor He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.

Hieronymous Hedgehog

February 19: Official End of Hibernation Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.

Keeper of the Nut

February 20: Return of the Nut This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year’s Keeper of the Nut will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!

Have a great February, everybody!

Mark your calendars for these important January 2022 events

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January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January-December 2022 
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a full decade since The Park harmonized its calendar with the outside world. The Park Museum is planning to celebrate this occasion all year long, with a lineup of special events that will be announced monthly. Check their web site for details: Park Museum.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winters. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling quite like it!

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2022 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the fifth time since its opening, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic—which in August will celebrate a decade of serving The Park’s citizens and residents—will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome guests from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt, and the effects of the Human Crisis on Park Animals. Information on the the newest treatment options will also be available. Refreshments will be served courtesy of Chef Tab Triocolore’s grassRoutes restaurant and The Battering Ram Café.

Park ArchonsJanuary 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-third. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

January 1- March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: An Appreciation of the Prognostication Pad”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

Winter Solstice 2021: A warm welcome to Winter and a celebration of life in The Park

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The biggest bash of the year is about to begin.

The 2021 Celebration of the Winter Solstice kicks off at exactly 10:49 tomorrow, December 21, and will continue on, officially, until 3:00 in the morning on December 22.

“This will be a very special celebration…one of a kind and definitely one that we’ll remember for a long time,” director of public relations Aintza Kanariar said today, as she announced the official schedule as per the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

This year’s festival, Kanariar said, marks the beginning of the end of the Human Crisis. At least, that’s what we all hope.

“We deliberated on it a long time and we decided that we owed it to The Park as a whole to make an attempt to return to normal. Last year, it was inevitable that the Human Crisis would affect our plans. But this year, we’re feeling a very strong need to return to our own lives and our own concerns.”

That theme of return will be evident in the day’s festivities, Kanariar said. “You will see it weave through the entire day, through the music, the dances, the plays, even the food.” In fact, the programme for the event will even include the reading of passages from “George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert: The Tabby King,” Yoshita Tigru’s bestselling biography of The Park’s first leader.

Another highlight of this year’s event will be the return of a performance piece called, “Ελευθερία (Eleftheria),” which was a 2017 collaborative effort of the Herman Stoat Dance Company and the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company. Conceived and executed as a celebration of Zoocracy35, the 20-minute performance combines music, dance, pantomime, gymnastics, poetry, and rap.

Also on the schedule is the screening of a special video that was made by renowned actress Millicent Hayberry and Hieronymous Hedgehog, both of whom are currently in hibernation. The video waxes lyrical about zoocracy and Park life, according to those who have seen it.

Other highlights of the celebration include:

  • Jugglers, clowns, and three Human imitators will provide entertainment throughout the celebration
  • Students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will be providing free tail-painting and whisker-twisting for young participants
  • Costume dress-up events will be hosted hourly by the Park Historical Society
  • Storytelling
  • Harmonious Hannah and Humphrey will be on hand for selfies throughout the festivities

This partial list of Park music makers who will perform appears below in order of appearance. Kanariar would not confirm rumours that Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte will join the All Rodent Marching Band in a celebration of the involvement of The Park’s Rodent community in zoocracy.

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
Persistent Sisters
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
BHR (Big Hearts Rule) formerly NIML (Not In My Lifetime)
Fish Rap

As ever, a major component of the celebration will be the food. This year, celebrity chef Tab Tricolore will be preparing “food of the feral world” on site at a “feral buffet,” as well as supplying non-perishables from his newly-opened restaurant grassRoutes.  Other food purveyors include The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will be once again be serving a full breakfast just after the solstice occurs. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at 9:48 a.m. (two hours after sunrise) on December 21. Food will be served throughout the event. The Solstice will occur at 10:49 a.m. Local Park Time (LPT).

Look what’s coming up in November!

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If you think things will be winding down in November, you couldn’t be more wrong! What with hibernation preparation, debates, and elections and selections for POPS and Keeper of the Nut, November is one of the busiest months of the year. Mark your calendars now to make sure you don’t miss these important events!

POPS  All Candidates’ Debate
The format may be different this year, but the debates will be just as exciting, if not more! Come out and hear why all the candidates believe they are the best choice for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS)!
November 6

POPS Election
This is it, folks! Time to choose the Animal you think best able to predict on Groundhog Day. Polls open at 10:00 and close at 8:00. Exercise your franchise!
November 7

Keeper of the Nut Selection
Who will it be? Every year, The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) surprises us with their selection of Keeper of the Nut. The announcement will be made in the afternoon. Don’t forget to add your name to the congratulatory message at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.
November 11

Surrender of the Nut
The ceremony of the Surrender of the Nut touches our hearts as does no other. A recognition not only of the harmony of the species, but of the ephemeral nature of life itself, it is a true celebration of the great unknown. Ceremony begins at 12:00 at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Keeper of the Nut will swear the oath at 12:15.
November 14 (Half-day holiday in The Park)


Official Date of Hibernation
Time to say farewell to our hibernating friends! One again, the tree of hearts will mark the road to hibernation. We’ll miss you. Be well. See you in the Spring.
November 17

What’s up in October

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The Park really heats up in the Autumn, with celebrations, migrations, and hibernation preparation. Here’s a taste of what’s in store for October 17. Mark your calendars!

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again! Time to screen some great films by Park Animals. PIFFPockets and Noon Nuttiness films are back, as are the parties, the after-parties, and the after-after parties! And the inevitable nail-biting before the awarding of the Golden Claw. October 3-7

Park Harvest Festival
Let’s celebrate! Our cultivators and growers have been working hard since the Spring, and now they share their bounty with us! With loads of great food to eat and lots of music and entertainment for all ages, it’s bound to be a memorable celebration. October 10

Annual Snowbird Farewell
It’s always bittersweet to say goodbye to our migrating friends and wish them well on their journey. But let’s enjoy this one last party before takeoff! See you in the Spring, migrators! October 19

Annual Account of the State of The Park
It all comes down to this: how are we getting along? Economically? Socially? What is the state of interspecial harmony? Are we there yet? We’ll know for sure on October 27.

September on our minds

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The Park is a busy place in the Autumn, so The Mammalian Daily is giving you a heads-up on some of what’s in store for September 2021.

Ready, set, mark your calendars!

Official end of estivationEnd of EstivationMouse and balloons
It’s time to welcome back our friends and fellow Park residents!

Let the celebrations begin on September 14!

Beats in the Bar
Formerly known as the Open Mic, the now annual Beats in the Bar takes place this year at The Draft from September 2-10. Come out and play! Who knows—you may find yourself performing at the Beats of Burden Musical Festival!

The Beats of Burden Music FestivalBeats of Burden logo
The sixth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival promises three days and three nights of continuous music-making, with all our great bands and singers performing in aid of The Park’s refugees. Expect some surprises (as well as surprise appearances) along with the great sounds. And don’t forget the fabulous food and all sorts of other fun!
September 18-20.

Park ART Walk (PAW)
Now on a new day that allows our estivators to take part, the annual Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 12th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, September 25, 2021 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas.

The Park’s Semi-Annual “Shakeoff”
The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" have changedIt’s all about Animals helping Animals at The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff.” The event encourages Animals to donate their hair in aid of those whose coats can’t protect them from the harsh elements. In addition to helping others, you can also partake of free refreshments and get a new hairstyle from our on-site groomers (gratis, of course!). September 27
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”  

Look what’s coming up in June!

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1-30 June – Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM)
Now in its seventh year, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month kicks off June 1. Consult the full schedule for the events, many new,  including Noreen’s “Just Say No To Obedience” campaign and the two-day forum, “Focus on Large Animal Domestication,” at the University of West Terrier. Watch this space and follow us on Twitter for EDAM-related news throughout June.


8 June – University of West Terrier Commencement Day
The day has finally come for the 2021 graduating class at the University of West Terrier. In addition to receiving their degrees, the class will have the chance to hear scientist and researcher Dr. Jagger Zebu give the commencement day address. It’s an exciting time for all involved and we wish a lifetime of happiness and success to all graduates.

9 June – Willow discusses “Daily Life on Louloudia Lane” at The Literary Apothecary
From the publisher: “The Feline Inquisitor’s advice columnist (and our own Noreen’s counterpart), Willow, takes us on a tour of the daily life of a domestic Feline. At once hilarious and poignant, Willow’s book is both a cautionary tale and a handbook. If this is the life for you, she says, you ought to know what’s involved, from the reality that you’ll likely never be alone outdoors again to the possibility of eating a wide variety of exotic foods while luxuriating in an oversized bed. A must-read for all Animals, including Felines.”

10 June – The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) To correspond with Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), the PMoCA will re-launch its 2019 art installation, “Conundrum,” on June 8. In announcing the installation, head curator Aamuun Maroodiga said, “This interactive installation was specifically designed with EDAM 2019’s expansion and its commitment to endangered species in mind.” Using a multimedia format, “Conundrum” explores the problems that large, endangered species must grapple with and the difficult decisions they must make in order for their species to survive. The installation was supported in part by a grant from the estate of Zuberi Tembo.

11-14 June – Chitter Radio Literary Award Selections
Chitter Radio Literary Award (CRLA) selections at The Literary Apothecary: Every night, starting June 11, The Literary Apothecary will host an open discussion of an EDAM-related CRLA-nominated book.
Discussion: 7:00-8:00
Pawprinting and refreshments: 8:00-10:00

10, 17, 24 June – University of West Terrier Hosts Series of Talks on Economics and Life Choices
The Winston School of Business and the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science will host a three-part series of talks on the relationship between economic difficulties and Animals’ vulnerability to enforced domestication. The series of talks and debates, which will explore the relationship between economics and life choices, will take place on the University’s campus.

15 June – Chitter Radio Literary Awards
Considered the most prestigious literary awards in The Park, the Chitter Radio Literary Awards has recognized Park writers ranging from former Archon Nicholas Gander to comedian Woodruff Dalmatio to Mammalian Daily advice columnist, Noreen. The CRLA has even expanded its entry categories to include spoken word.

“We need to continue to broaden our horizons and reward those artists whose work may not fit easily into previously-established categories,” says CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán.

16-18 June – Feline Fiction Fest
The oldest fiction festival in The Park, the Feline Fiction Fest honours the creative output of our Feline residents in a range of categories that rivals all other fiction festivals. This year, the Fest will highlight the work of striped Cats of all sizes at its Mane Stage. Stay tuned for other special events, as they are announced.

20 June – Tall Tail Books releases “Shirley, It’s Early!”
Shirley, the head book reviewer for The Canine Chronicle, has written a lovely little book to help Puppies adjust to living with Humans. There’ll be lots of treats and toys for attendees when the publishers of “Shirley, It’s Early!” launch the book at The Park Museum on June 20, to kick off its EDAM for Youth week.

28 June – Last Day for Pre-Estivation Deposits
30 June – Central Bank of The Park closed for mid-year tally
Don’t forget: the last day to make pre-estivation deposits at any financial institution in The Park is 28 June.


01 July – Official Start of Estivation
This is the day we say “au revoir” to The Park’s estivating community. We’ll miss you terribly, but we look forward to seeing you again, in September.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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