The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for November 2011

Police call for calm after specist handbook discovered in Park

By

The Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) have issued a call for calm throughout The Park after the discovery of what appears to be a specist handbook.

The book, which was discovered under the Ancient Oak Tree early this morning, is written in the Human English language, experts say. Language specialists at the University of West Terrier are currently studying the book and its contents. In a statement issued at midday, they said they plan to make a full report to the Archons as soon as they have completed their study.

The book was discovered by Rodnina Owl, police confirmed. The Owl was reportedly eating a snack in the Tree, when she noticed something shiny at the base.

“The glossy cover caught my eye and I swooped down to see what it was,” she said in an interview on PBC  Radio late this morning. “I was shocked when they told me what it said.” The Owl does not speak any Human languages.

In their appeal for calm, the Archons emphasized the need for patience on the part of Park Animals.

Two hours after the Archons issued their appeal, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, fielded questions from residents and media. The major concerns were for Animal security, with many calling for barricades and some suggesting pre-emptive strikes. Calls for an all-out war, fuelled by rumours that Humans intend to take over The Park, were quickly dismissed by FCSW President, Gareth Shepherd.

“We cannot afford to react until we know the full extent of the assault,” said Shepherd.

Book Review: Shaken But Not Stirred

By

When violence broke out between Park Police and protesters at an otherwise peaceful anti-amalgamation rally in August, many Animals (both in attendance and at home) assumed that The Park’s court system would deal with the fallout. After an open investigation into the matter, which relatively few Animals attended and which was only covered superficially by Park media, the event receded into memory. Never mind that one Goose was killed and several others were injured at the event; there was The Park’s film festival to attend and hibernation preparations to be made, among other (seemingly more important) things.

Contrast this with the intense reaction to the murder of the Tartan Crab, the Groundhog Day violence, and the Mongoose weather trial and you might think you see a growing trend toward apathy among Park residents.

That is, in fact, what is happening, says veteran psychoanalyst Dr. Berthilidis Strix, who is best known as co-author of the book, The Silent Cluck.

In her new book, Shaken But Not Stirred, Strix discusses the two distinct lines that she sees forming in The Park: growing prosperity alongside growing apathy. In Strix’s view, it is at the point at which these lines intersect that they become a threat to our way of life.

Unlike many analysts, Strix believes that these two seemingly independent streams feed each other and that, in fact, our growing apathy is responsible, in part, for our growing prosperity:

“Without this new-found ability to ignore the plight of others, it would be next to impossible for us, in good conscience, to amass these great quantities [of food and other material goods]…and, now, the pursuit of same has become the foundation of our growing economy.”

Strix is highly critical of what she calls this “new division of consciousness” and warns that unchecked apathy will have dire consequences for Park Animals in the future.

“We need only look to other species to see the end result [of apathy]”, she writes.

While Strix emphasizes in Shaken But Not Stirred that she can offer no solutions, one suspects that these may appear before long in a follow-up book. Her insights are far too important to serve only as philosophical fodder.

Skunk’s candidacy raises stink at POPS debate

By

POPS candidate Zachariah Skunk

Zachariah Skunk caused a stink last night when he took his place among the other candidates at the annual POPS all-candidates’ debate.

Because he announced his candidacy for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) at the last minute, The Park’s Election Office had not had the opportunity to inform the other four contenders, who stood in amazement as the Skunk’s name was called.

“This is an outrage,” said Malinda L. Hamster, President of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC).

The Hamster did not elaborate, leaving spectators to wonder whether the “outrage” was the Skunk’s last-minute candidacy or his species.

According to rules that were put in place in 23 AZ (2003), subsequent to a the decision of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in the landmark case of “Spring’s Unsprung Heroes” vs the descendants of E. Bromley Groundhog, all species of Animals are eligible to enter the race to become Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. To date, however, only Animals belonging to the species Marmota monax have put their names forward.

The POPS election occurs today, ten days before the official date of hibernation. Aside from Zachariah Skunk, candidates for 2012 POPs are W. Chester Whistlepig, Alderina Woodchuck, Ingersoll Marmot, and Ulrica Gilda Groundhog.

UWT commissions institutional biography

By

The University of West Terrier announced today that it has secured the services of award-winning author, Pieter N. Paard, to write the definitive history of The Park’s oldest institution of higher learning.

In a statement released to all Park media, the President of UWT, Angus Abhag, said that this will be “a no-holds barred, complete history of the institution, from its foundation to the present day.”

The statement also said that UWT hoped all present and past faculty and staff members, as well as the university’s students, friends, and benefactors, would cooperate with Paard and be “completely honest about their experiences at the University of West Terrier.”

Pieter Paard is best known for his book, From Slavery to Freedom: A History of Pack Animals. A five-part television series, based on the book, aired on PBC Television this Autumn.

Small Animal Community releases 2012 Tulip Map

By

In anticipation of the official hibernation date of November 17, the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), in association with the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS), the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), the Association of Distinct Hibernating Animals of The Park (ADHAP) and the Park Alliance of Chipmunks (PAC), has released its official “2012 Map of Tulip and other Bulb Beds in The Park and Environs.”

The map, which has been one of the highlights of the pre-hibernation season for the past several years, is available for purchase at select stores in The Park.

Third edition of Zoocracy guide hits shelves this week

By


This new guide to our government will prove useful to newcomers and established residents alike.

The third edition of Anticipatory Zoocracy For All, a simple and informative guide to the principles of our form of government, has arrived in bookstores throughout The Park.

This updated edition includes information on the most recent decisions made by the current set of  Archons, including those involving calendar harmonization. A separate section on the currency amalgamation debate will prove valuable to newcomers as well as to those who have not followed the debate closely over the last several years.

Several copies of the guide, which sells for 13.50 Ftoo per copy, will be made available in The Park Library, said a spokesAnimal for the publishers, Birch Bark Books.  In addition, the publishers have committed to providing copies to the libraries of The Park’s institutions of higher learning.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

November 2011
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930