The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

September on our minds

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The Park is a busy place in the Autumn, so The Mammalian Daily is giving you a heads-up on some of what’s in store for September 2018.

Ready, set, mark your calendars!

 

Official end of estivationEnd of EstivationMouse and balloons
It’s time to welcome back our friends and fellow Park residents!

Let the celebrations begin on September 14!

Beats in the Bar
Formerly known as the Open Mic, the now annual Beats in the Bar takes place this year at The Draft from September 1-9. Come out and play! Who knows—you may find yourself performing at the Beats of Burden Musical Festival!

The Beats of Burden Music FestivalBeats of Burden logo
The sixth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival promises three days and three nights of continuous music-making, with all our great bands and singers performing in aid of The Park’s refugees. Expect some surprises (as well as surprise appearances) along with the great sounds. And don’t forget the fabulous food and all sorts of other fun September 15-17.

Park ART Walk (PAW)
Now on a new day that allows our estivators to take part, the annual Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 12th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, September 22, 2018 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas.

The Park’s Semi-Annual “Shakeoff”
The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" have changedIt’s all about Animals helping Animals at The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff.” The event encourages Animals to donate their hair in aid of those whose coats can’t protect them from the harsh elements. In addition to helping others, you can also partake of free refreshments and get a new hairstyle from our on-site groomers (gratis, of course!). September 27
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”  

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Balbina Ko: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animal of the Year

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BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen Holstein Fashion president and CEO Balbina Ko as its 2017 Animal of the Year.

At a press conference at noon today, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour Ko because of her ”leadership in both business and in the area of equality among the species.”

“Through her company and by her own efforts, Balbina Ko has served as a leader in The Park’s business community,” Haas said. “Over the past few years, she has proven what she believes: that those engaged in business should make an effort and can make a difference in the lives of those who feel they do not have equal opportunity. Since establishing the company’s charity, EQUALSS, she has fought tirelessly for the rights of The Park’s striped and spotted, and her company has raised a sizeable amount through its EQUALSS poduct line to support the charity and its beneficiaries.

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of Balbina Ko and Holstein Fashion and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2018.

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Burrows become hot property as Park’s growing population seeks housing

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burrows-real-estateThe Park’s population continues to grow at a dizzying pace, and that’s good news for many businesses and services. But for those engaged in building and selling housing, the spike in population over the past few years has presented almost insurmountable challenges.

“We weren’t prepared for this,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), whose organization represents real estate services, but not builders. “We’re definitely having trouble accommodating newcomers.”

His admission is backed up by a recently-published report by the Department of Statistics and Records that concludes The Park has only enough sheltered housing for seventy percent of its resident Animals.

Whistlepig cites a number of reasons for the shortage and among them is one his organization brought to light after an investigation into the 2014 grooming house stampede: the sharp increase in those who look to others to do the things they used to do themselves.

“We used to groom ourselves, build our own housing, and find our own food. All that has changed over the past two decades and we haven’t kept up with demand because we didn’t take note of the changes in behaviour until it was too late,” he says, bluntly.

For some of The Park’s established builders, though, there is a silver lining in this housing cloud.

Orders are “way up,” according to Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond. And, he says, at least twenty-five per cent of B&B’s new customers are neither hibernators nor natural burrowers.

“We’re surprised by the number of species willing to compromise on housing,” he says. “But burrows can be built in an eighth of the time that above-ground sheltered housing takes, and they last for years and can easily be enlarged. It’s a smart choice and more and more Animals are seeing that,” he says.

Resales are also up, according to Subterranean Sales and Rental.

“Burrows are hot property these days, no question,” a spokesAnimal for the company told The Mammalian Daily. “And we see no sign of a slowdown in sales.”

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Park’s refugee groups take issue with new EDAM poster

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poster-for-edamGroups that represent The Park’s immigrant and refugee communities are pressing for a meeting with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to discuss the ramifications of what they’re calling the “not-so-hidden” messages in the new poster commissioned for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

In a statement this morning, the leaders of eleven of The Park’s aid groups criticized the decision to portray the domesticated and formerly domesticated as “dupes,” or as lazy Animals seeking an easier life.

“The Animals we help, many of whom bear the scars of their struggles to escape from domestic situations, are being made to suffer twice over by being portrayed as stupid, lazy, or materialistic,” the statement says.

While the groups say they agree that it’s essential to warn Park residents about the dangers of living with Humans, they feel the month-long awareness campaign need not insult those who have done so or who still do.

“Many of the Animals we assist were taken by Humans during the first few weeks of their lives and they had no control over that. And many others have chosen, out of sheer desperation, to live with Humans in domestic situations. We all do what we must to survive. There is no need to characterize these survivors as foolish,” the statement says.

The group leaders say they will continue to protest against the campaign literature until they meet with the Archons and the DWBS.

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Not just for the Birds: April’s Stereotype Sunday theme will be Avians

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flock-birdsThe theme of this month’s Stereotype Sunday will be Birds.

The announcement was made this morning in a joint press statement issued by the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“On April 30, we’ll have the opportunity to flock together at our monthly themed Stereotype Sunday. We look forward to seeing you there to gain new understanding and express our appreciation of The Park’s Avian population,” the statement said.

The statement also confirmed rumours that The Feral Four had accepted an invitation to speak at the event. The Feline band, who made a moving speech at the first annual Fowl Ball, has worked tirelessly over the past few years to rehabilitate the reputation of Felines vis à vis Avians, including donating a set of their song lyrics to the Feline charity, CatsCare.

Performances by The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, The Tweeters,  SCENTient Beings and Belles and Whistles were also confirmed in the announcement. Rapper Jargonhead, however, confirmed his own performance via social media.

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Park’s Avian population set to soar above other species: BirdBrains

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yellow-bird-soaring

The Park’s Avian population is set to soar above all other species, according to a report published last week by the Avian mentoring programme, BirdBrains.

The report, entitled, “Zoocracy After Thirty-Five: A New Avian Era,” analyzes a number of studies of the development of The Park’s Avian population in the years following the establishment of zoocracy.

According to these studies, Avians dipped in levels of education, employment, and entrepreneurship during the first decade and a half of zoocracy, when they were overtaken by other species, the large majority of which were Mammals and Fish. In addition, statistics from the Long Gone Registry confirm that the number of Avians who chose to leave The Park permanently grew consistently from 1995 to 2005. The first cohort set up homes and infrastructure in other areas, which encouraged an exodus in the years between 2001 and 2005.

But all that is about to change, according to the report’s authors and BirdBrains directors, Gwendolyn Goose and Henry Gander, whose late father, Cesar Emilio Gander, founded the Avian mentoring programme.

The average level of education in the Avian population has gone from the rudimentary level to intermediate, says Goose, with a significant increase in the number of Avians attending institutions of higher learning.

“This year, Avians will constitute the largest number of new students as well as the largest number of graduates,” Goose says proudly.

In addition, many more Avians have become interested in technology and, in turn, entrepreneurship. Goose and Gander credit their father’s vision, as well as that of the education initiative of the 2011 and 2012 Archons, with the change in the Avian mindset.

“Many more Birds are making the decision to stay here and get an education. They see opportunities that aren’t available outside The Park and they’re now reaching for the stars,” says Gander.

Kawena Palila is one of them. An alumna of BirdBrains, Palila credits the programme with helping her to realize her dream, the social media site gaggle, which went live last year. Palila says the programme helped her get funding and some extra expertise for the site, as well as encouraging her to “think Avian,” which resulted in a site “not for the individual, but for the flock.”

Goose and Gander say there are many more Palilas on the horizon and they look forward to mentoring many flocks of them in the coming years.

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Alvin Tinamou, mate confirm separation

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broken-heartIt’s official and it’s forever: Alvin Tinamou and his mate Adela have separated permanently.

In a brief statement released this morning, the publisher of The Avian Messenger and organizer of Park media’s annual Month Without Metaphor said it was “with profound sorrow” that he advised that he and his mate Adela have decided to “pursue their lives separately from now on.”

The pair, who have known each other since they were young, suffered the traumatic theft of their nest and three eggs last June. Friends of Tinamou told The Mammalian Daily that he blames himself for the loss and has been unable to recover from it. In September, he took an indefinite leave of absence from the newspaper. Only close friends and family have been in contact with him since.

“Alvin was in charge of the nest and he feels that he failed. Period,” said one friend who does not want to be named. “If Adela could bring herself to forgive him, I think that would help him heal, but she can’t.”

Today’s statement by Tinamou did not address either his return to The Avian Messenger or his rôle in this year’s Month Without Metaphor.

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Tab Tricolore: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animal of the Year

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Tab TricoloreBREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen Chef Tab Tricolore as its 2016 Animal of the Year.

In a press announcement this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour The Park chef because of his “tireless championing” of our feral population and his efforts to bring equality to the striped and spotted.

“Tab Tricolore has never tried to hide his feral roots,” Haas wrote. “Instead, he has done the opposite, by celebrating them and educating the rest of us about the feral life, including its wonderful food.”

Haas also recognized Tricolore’s “fighting instinct,” writing that the chef and restaurateur “has never shied away from controversy, nor feared for his reputation when the cause was just.”

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of Chef Tab Tricolore and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2017.

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The lives we lost in 2016

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We remember some of the friends and family we lost in 2016:

RIPZuberi Tembo
Endeka Elephant Band bassist and passionate supporter of equality among the species

RIPEmma-Elizabeth Cheetah
Sports enthusiast and avid supporter of The Park’s Interspecial Games

RIPGumpert Mullet
Faithfully served as Archon in 2008

RIPArienne Marcelline Tuna
Faithfully served two terms as Archon in 2010/2011

RIPAbdullah Arthur Camel
Clean water advocate and volunteer at Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds (KYPOOP)

RIPWilbur Gibbon
Education advocate

RIPBreckinridge Gastrostrich
Teaching assistant, University of West Terrier

RIPAbílio Girafa
Volunteer, Extinction Anxiety Clinic

RIPFrançois Tigre
Volunteer at CatsCare

RIPAlicia Abeja 

RIPMikhail Eagle

RIPSamuel Swordfish

RIPGracia Cheetah

RIPThomas Gastrotrich

RIPNausikaa Newt

RIPMariana Mayfly

RIPMagda Albatross 

RIPSusannah Mayfly

RIPDarius Anaconda 

RIPConchita Firefly

RIPFrançoise Adèle Canard

RIPGloria Butterfly; Xanthippe Butterfly; Zoê Butterfly; Frank Norman Beaver; L.L. Barry Hedgehog; Albertino Bee; K.W. Bee; Santiago Jacinto Bee; Zachariah Bee; Bronwyn Bee; Adam Gastrotrich; Dyson Cougar; Irina Whistlepig; Zara Baboon; Irving Kodkod, and many more.

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Bowing to technology, hibernating community puts Tulip Map to bed

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squirrel-with-gpsIf you have a copy of this year’s Tulip Map, you might want to keep it.

The 2017 version of the map, which is officially known as the “Map of Tulip and other Bulb Beds in The Park and Environs,” will be the last of its kind, according to a spokesAnimal for the publisher.

The map has been produced annually for over a decade by the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), in association with the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS), the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), the Association of Distinct Hibernating Animals of The Park (ADHAP) and the Park Alliance of Chipmunks (PAC) and it has served as a trusted guide for a large number of The Park’s residents.

But as of 2018, Animals seeking the whereabouts of those juicy flower bulbs will be encouraged to use apps such as TulipTracker and Bulb Beacon. Or go back to using their own senses.

“In some ways, it could be seen as a step backwards,” concedes Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“But the map itself was not infallible, so the apps, together with our own tracking abilities, should be as accurate, if not more.”

While that is likely true, the real beneficiaries of the decision might be those who still have the old maps. According to Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary, collectors will probably pay quite a lot for them. And, she says, it won’t take long for the 2017 map, which was printed only a month ago, to make it to the auction block.

“It almost gives a new meaning to the expression, ‘hot off the press,’ ” she says.

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