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OTD in 2014—Park Museum puts out call for personal items related to domestication

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Park Museum

The Park Museum needs domestication-related items for its upcoming exhibit

The Park Museum has put out a call for items of a personal nature related to domestication and enforced domestication. The Museum says it requires such items for display in its upcoming exhibit marking Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a statement posted on the Museum’s web site, the Board of Governors requested contributions from Park Animals of items such as collars, leashes, cages, carrying cases, feeding paraphernalia (including bowls, etc.), grooming tools, toys, and I.D. tags. The Museum intends to borrow the requested items and assures Animals that their belongings will be “treated with the utmost care and respect” and be returned to their owners at the conclusion of the exhibit.

Details of the exhibit have not yet been released, but a spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors said the requested items will be displayed in a section called, “Ways and Means.”

To read the Museum’s full statement, click here.

OTD in 2012—Has Anixi Agrarian Jubilee become too politicized?

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A day after the most successful and best-attended Agrarian Jubilee in history, a menacing question hangs in the air: is the annual celebration becoming too politicized?

Organizers of the event, which marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season, sniff at the suggestion.

“I see no evidence of that [politicization] at all,” said Miriam Wapiti, the celebration’s chief organizer, at a post-event party. “With the numbers we get, there will always be those who see this as an opportunity to further their cause, but they’ll always be a small minority,” she said.

Not so, says Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) and a Guard Dog who was on duty during the Jubilee.

“We had to call in reinforcements, so many scuffles broke out…even among members of the [same] organization. It was three times more difficult to keep the peace and provide security this year than last year,” he said.

Sylvana Rana, of the anti-election group, Save Our Political System (SOPS), concurs with Shepherd’s view, though she sees it in a more favourable light:

“We signed up more Animals at the Jubilee than we have in the last five months,” she said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of the Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said she counted representatives of so many organizations that “I lost count after a couple of hours.”

“I know there were at least twenty,” he said.

Even so, according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the Jubilee went off “without a hitch.”

“There were no deaths, injuries, or serious incidents. I’ve seen much worse, even on Groundhog Day,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Beasts of Burden surprise farmers, tech companies with offer of pub for meeting

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The DraftThe Beasts of Burden have offered their pub, The Draft, as the venue for a meeting—or a series of meetings—of The Park’s farmers and technology companies. And they’re hoping their offer is one the two warring groups will not refuse.

The wildly popular band made the offer through their manager, Ignatius Herder, on the Yannis Tavros radio show yesterday afternoon.

It was as much of a surprise to him, Herder said, as it was to Tavros. Herder, a guest on the show, was discussing the rôle of music in The Park when he received a text message from the group announcing their offer of the pub.

“We heard Ignatius talking about music and its rôle in subduing dissent and in peacekeeping and it suddenly occurred to us, ‘He’s talking about us!'” said lead signer Alfredo Ox.

Not that the singers have appointed themselves peacekeepers.

“We’re nothing of the sort,” snorted Ox in an interview with The Mammalian Daily this morning. “We’re much better known for stirring up trouble. But this is an important issue and it can only be resolved by the parties involved. We thought, we’ve got a place for them where they can fight it out and maybe come to an agreement. It’s the least we can do,” he said.

As of the publication of this article, however, there has been no response to the offer either by the farmers or the technology companies.

OTD in 2016—Eggie and The Pigs, Weather Makers pull out of Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie of Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie and The Pigs will not be opening Friday’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

In an announcement posted on the group’s web site, Eggie said the group did not feel it could perform at the event due to the tension between The Park’s farmers and technology companies.

“Our farmers are our most precious resource. We cannot, in all conscience, perform at an event that celebrates the beginning of the growing season if our farmers are not there. That would be an act of disrespect,” he said.

On Monday, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) said its members would not attend the Jubilee unless technology companies agreed to meet with its members to discuss the production and distribution of food-finding apps. Thus far, no technology company has made any move to do so.

In a separate announcement, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), said that her members had scheduled a vote for tonight to decide whether or not to attend the event.

Jubilee chief organizer Miriam Wapiti said on Tuesday that the event would go on as scheduled, no matter what the various groups decided.

“The Jubilee does not depend on any one group. It’s a celebration of Spring and renewal that we hope all Park Animals will take part in,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Month Without Metaphor’s Mid-Term Report: no gold stars this year

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MonthWMThe mid-month statistics are in for Park media’s third annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) and organizers say they won’t be giving out any gold stars this year unless things change significantly in the coming weeks.

“I’m surprised by these statistics. I thought we’d gotten our message across, but there’s a significant degree of slippage that’s occurred and I find it distressing,” organizer Alvin Tinamou said minutes after the report was released.

While the numbers are still slightly better than they were in MWM’s first year, they are “startlingly high,” Tinamou says.

“At this time last year, we were pleased with the results, but I take no pleasure in informing you that, on the whole, Park media has been embellishing its coverage of news more than we feel is warranted,” he said.

He did, however, praise a few publications for bringing in lower numbers. Those publications were The Avian Messenger (Tinamou’s own newspaper), The Halibut Herald, The Burro Beacon and Reptile Radio.

“And as usual,” Tinamou said, “The Marsupial Messenger has kept their metaphors to a bare minimum.”

Here are Month Without Metaphor’s mid-month results in full:

Toro Talk Radio: 278
CLucK Radio: 225
Chitter Radio: 183
The Dingo Boomerang: 107
Marine Mammal Radio: 112
The Mollusk Messenger: 82
The Salamander Evening Post: 94
Reptile Radio: 66
The Silvestris Star: 87
headsNtales: 102
The Burro Beacon: 56
The Noodlefish News: 88
The Canary Courier: 78
bRaydio 4: 89
The Halibut Herald: 65
Maple Tree Television: 76
The Eagle Star: 70
The Equine Echo: 69
The Rodent Commoner: 68
The Robin Reporter: 72
The Galliforme Gazette: 76
The Kaluga Register: 65
The Cosmopolitan Pest: 65
The Bluebird Free Press: 59
Vertebrate Vision: 58
The Insect Intelligencer: 66
The Panther Post: 86
The Polar Bear Post: 66
The Avian Messenger: 48
PRANCE Magazine: 57
The Blackbird Informer: 79
The Ornis Interpreter: 47
The Mammalian Daily: 55
LAULAA Magazine: 39
The Raccoon Reporter: 40
The Simian Spectator: 50
The Marsupial Messenger: 29

 

OTD in 2013—Mating Dance offers first look at Archons’ modernization plan

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Staff from The Park's Extinction Anxiety Clinic will be on hand to aid participants in today's Mating Dance.

The presence of staff from the Extinction Anxiety Clinic at this month’s Mating Dance offered citizens a glimpse of the 2013 Archons’ modernization plan for The Park.

After weeks of negotiations, including a period of time during which they sequestered themselves in the Burrow Theatre, the 2013 Archons finally agreed on a number of conditions for staging the “new” Mating Dance. One of those conditions was the presence of professionals and support workers from the EAC.

“That one was non-negotiable,” said the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta, in an interview yesterday.

“We’ve been inching toward this…but this year, it was do or die in terms of having counsellors from a number of different fields on hand. It seemed like the most obvious and practical thing to do to prevent some of the disasters we’ve seen in recent years,” he said.

Those disasters include the medical as well as the emotional consequences of Mating Dance mishaps.

On the emotional side, Alouatta said the Archons couldn’t think of any better professionals to counsel distraught participants than those who staff the EAC.

“There are data that suggest that the kind of intensive counselling the EAC professionals offer can prevent the onset of the Mating Dance Blues. That isn’t surprising. They are, after all, the ultimate experts in the field of rejection,” he said.

For other medical advice, the Archons consulted with health officials, researchers at the University of West Terrier, and The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety. The decision to bring in experts in genetics to tackle the thorny issue of interspecial breeding and to assist participants in achieving their reproductive goals was lauded by many, particularly those in the Avian community.

“It was a bold move and one that reflects their commitment to modern medicine,” said Dr. Simon Crow, director of Avian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. “We have to deal head-on with the problem of interspecial breeding, both in our community and in others. We need to educate Park Animals so that we can all make the correct mating choices and have our offspring live long, full, and healthy lives,” he said.

See also:

Archons mull proposed changes to Mating Dance rules
“Mating Dance Blues” are real, says expert

OTD in 2017—WMPSAP shuts down Kuttu scheme to import weather for Agrarian Jubilee

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WeathermakersBREAKING NEWS: Less than a week before the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park has averted what its leaders are calling a “disaster for the ages.”

At an emotional press conference this morning, WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear revealed that early last week, she and the leader of another Park environmental group (whom she declined to name) were made aware of Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu’s plan to import weather from outside The Park in time for the Jubilee.

“In so many ways, this would have been a disaster—environmentally, economically, and socially, ” Sun Bear said, as she recounted her initial shock and then outlined her now successful plan to stop the importation.

“With all due respect to the Chief Archon, she does not, in our opinion, have the expertise to make any kind of weather selection or purchase, especially in haste,” Sun Bear said. “We have no idea what kind of harm could come to us from the ingredients in that weather.”

Immediately after Sun Bear got wind of the scheme, she rallied members of The Park’s environmental groups, including Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers, Skunks Against Gunk, and Skunks Über Vehicles (SUV) and they made a surprise visit to Kuttu.

Although Sun Bear did not elaborate on what she called the “heated exchange” that followed the ambush, she said they made it clear to Kuttu that Park citizens would not stand for weather purchases made by the ill-informed.

“We don’t doubt that our Chief Archon had good intentions,” Sun Bear said, acknowledging that recent weather patterns made it look as if it would be too cold to enjoy the outdoor event fully. “But damage to The Park is not mitigated by good intent. And, in our opinion, the environment comes before the economy and before our enjoyment.”

OTD in 2012—Central Bank warns against short-term interest rate hikes

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In a statement issued this morning, the Central Bank of The Park warned financial institutions against offering high, short-term interest rates to their estivating clients.

“It is not in the interest of The Park nor of the client [for banks] to adjust interest rates for terms that occur during the dormancy period,” the Bank said.

The practice of offering high, short-term interest rates to hibernating and estivating clients has been in place for at least a decade, according to the Association of Financial Institutions of The Park (AFIP).

In fact, according to a report written by the Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) and presented to the Central Bank, local banking institutions count on the fat deposits these rates attract to boost their bottom line.

“There’s no doubt that, at this time of year, the estivating client is the preferred customer,” says CPAP head, Ursula M. Bjørn. “These clients are going nowhere for a substantial length of time and, consequently, neither is their money,” she explained.

These so-called “dormant” accounts that are offered by some of The Park’s banks come with an interest rate of up to fifteen percent above the base rate that is established every quarter-year by the Central Bank.

“This [interest] rate is substantially higher than the rate that non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals are offered on any of their accounts,” says Uzoma Serval, author of the book, BankWoe.

“But, there is a catch,” he says.

“When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They signed away that right, sometimes without even knowing it. And, their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more,” Serval says.

This has led to a rise in consumer complaints. And, non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals also have begun to complain about the practice. They say it is evidence of prejudice against them and that they are being treated unequally and unfairly by The Park’s financial institutions. It is a view the BankWoe author says may be difficult to dispute.

“The instruments of darkness tell us truths,” he says.

OTD in 2015—Barkettes’ set list disappears from theatre moments after concert ends

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Set List

Facsimile of set list for May 8, 2015

BREAKING NEWS

The set list for the May 8 concert of Thisbe and the Barkettes, held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, has gone missing.

According to theatre security, the list was affixed to the stage throughout the concert and it was security’s job to remove it after the band packed up.

“We were given specific instructions about its removal,” said a spokesAnimal for the theatre.

“We were told to keep it safe and secure, because Thisbe wanted to donate it to The Park Museum.”

Hilde Blaft, the group’s manager, told TMD Radio she is “incensed” by the occurrence.

“It must have been ripped from the stage moments after the concert ended,” she said in a brief radio interview this morning.

She said she had no idea who would do such a thing, and she made an emotional appeal to have the set list returned.

“Please, if you are the one who took it, please, please return it to the theatre. We will ask no questions and press no charges. It is of emotional value to all of us involved with Thisbe and the Barkettes and we only want to see it safely returned so that we can have it preserved at The Park Museum,” she said.

OTD in 2017—DWBS “disappointed” that Mating Dance selfie warnings not heeded

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Pig SelfieFor the second year in a row, selfies and other photos of Park Animals that were taken during last Friday’s Mating Dance have been posted on the internet.

“It appears that our repeated warnings to Park Animals to take precautions against Humans photographing them taking selfies fell on deaf ears,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), at a press conference this morning.

While Kakapo confirmed that a second investigation has been launched into the posting of Mating Dance photos, he was quick to emphasize that little could be done about the problem at this point.

“This is about prevention, not about cure,” he said. “The time to do something about it is before it happens. We have no way of forcing Humans to remove the pictures from their sites. We can only do our best to prevent it. ”

Kakapo said the department had received legal advice and was told that although under Park law the posting of these photos is considered a hate crime, Park Animals have no ability to pursue their legal rights outside The Park.

“Unfortunately, that is the case,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park.”

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