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Wednesday Rewind: Single currency debate heats up in Park; public forum to be held in Autumn

December 4, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

The Flamingo and the Ftoo

Will one currency fit all Animals?

Original Publication Date: 7 June 2004

When Theodora Manx goes shopping, she brings six different currencies along as her companions.

Since most Park establishments no longer accept Manx currency, she is forced to convert it, sometimes at very high rates, to the currencies of several other Animals.

“They don’t take Manx currency in The Park anymore,” she complains. “They say the coins have to have both heads and tails or they won’t accept them.”

Since she can’t use her own currency and she feels no particular loyalty to any other, the idea of a single, common currency in The Park appeals to the Manx.

“I think it would add a degree of fairness to prices in The Park,” she reasons.

The Manx may be correct. An informal survey conducted by this newspaper revealed that several shops in The Park appear to have “creative” ways of adjusting prices, depending on which currency is used.

“You definitely get a better price if you use the Ftoo,” says Aidan Zebra. “But that only works in your favour if you get paid in the Ftoo. Those of us who don’t [receive their pay in the Ftoo] pay a heavy price to convert it, just for the sake of making it easier on the shopkeepers.”

Still, there are others who oppose any currency amalgamation.

“It’s a matter of pride in your own species, I think,” says Rowena Goose. “It would be like giving up my identity.”

The Goose is the president of an anti-amalgamation group that says it will do everything in its power to prevent the institution of a common currency in The Park.

For their part, Park Finance Officers have assured resident Animals that all opinions will be taken into consideration after a Public Forum is held this Autumn.

“We want to make sure there is consensus before we move forward on this idea,” said a spokesanimal for the Finance Department.

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Filed Under: Breaking News, Wednesday Rewind Tagged With: #WednesdayRewind

Wednesday Rewind: DWBS, UWT, Extinction Anxiety Clinic team up to fight Non-Hibernators’ Guilt

November 27, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Non-Hibernators' Guilt

Do you have NHG? Don’t suffer in silence. Visit a pop-up clinic today!

Original Publication Date: 07 December 2015

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the University of West Terrier School of Medicine, and The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic are teaming up to add might to the fight against Non-Hibernators’ Guilt (NHG).

We’ve become so aware of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives.—Park psychotherapist Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon

At a small ceremony this afternoon, representatives of all three will be on hand to open the first of five pop-up clinics that will appear around The Park throughout the Winter. The clinics will serve NHG sufferers and will host information sessions to raise awareness of a condition that experts say has become “the scourge of the Winter season.”

“I think our hibernating population has been so successful in its awareness and outreach programmes over the last few years that, in a way, the result has been an increase in the number of NHG cases,” explains Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“We’ve become so aware—hyper-aware, I would say–of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives,” she says.

Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, agrees.

“Not to take anything away from our hibernators, whose bodies and psyches withstand so much, but I think the story has gotten a bit skewed. Just because your species doesn’t hibernate or estivate doesn’t mean that your life is in any way easy. The goal is not to feel guilty, but to maintain respect for ourselves and our own way of life, while empathizing as much as we can with others. That’s the message we’ve tried to impart at our public information sessions in the past. Now, we’ll be able to do it one-on-one with NHG sufferers and their friends and families,” she says.

The first pop-up clinic will open this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. It will operate seven days a week, from noon until nine o’clock, until January 15, 2016.

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Filed Under: Breaking News, Wednesday Rewind Tagged With: #WednesdayRewind

Wednesday Rewind: “Non-hibernators’ guilt” can mar enjoyment of Winter celebrations, experts say

November 20, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Non-hibernators’ guilt, which has been linked to Sad Cow Disease, (SCD) can mar enjoyment of Winter celebrations, according to experts

Original Publication Date: 18 December 2012

With the Winter Solstice celebrations just a few days away, experts in the field of mental health have turned their attention to one of the season’s biggest scourges: non-hibernators’ guilt.

“After extinction anxiety, non-hibernators’ guilt is the most common psychological condition we see in the Winter season,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who will also serve as a staff member at The Park’s first Extinction Anxiety Clinic when it opens in January.

The condition, also known as NHG, can affect Animals who remain awake and active during the Winter season, but who have close friends and associates who are hibernators. NHG-affected Animals experience a deep sense of guilt and anxiety, concurrently with happiness, when they attend Park celebrations and important events in the Winter.

The Winter Solstice celebrations, in particular, are difficult for Park Animals. It is around that time that symptoms of NHG begin to occur, says Gibbon.

“These are the first celebrations of the Winter season, the first celebrations that are attended only by non-hibernators. In a way, they set the tone for the rest of the season. The amount of stress this puts on our non-hibernators has, I believe, been underestimated in the past,” she says.

While statistics show the number of Animals treated for NHG rising, experts in the field say the condition is not always easy to diagnose.

“Many of the symptoms of NHG are similar to those of other psychological conditions,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

In fact, some of NHG’s symptoms look remarkably similar to those associated with Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), one of Dr. Cougar’s areas of expertise. It’s important, however, that we not confuse NHG with other conditions, Dr. Cougar stresses.

“There is some preliminary evidence that suggests a connection between NHG and Sad Cow Disease (SCD), but this is very, very early research and we have to be very careful about making assumptions based on it. SCD is a more complex condition and is much more difficult to treat,” she says.

She likens NHG, on the other hand, to “a stronger variation of normal.”

“It’s natural for Animals to miss those close to them who are in hibernation, especially during times of celebration. But some Animals experience this temporary loss more profoundly than others. Those are the Animals we are concerned about,” she says.

While acknowledging that much further research is needed, the two experts offered this advice, in the meantime, for non-hibernating Park Animals:

“Try to enjoy the Winter holiday season by understanding the dictates of nature. Your hibernating compatriots are not missing out on the fun; instead, they are doing what is necessary for their survival. Soon enough, they’ll be among us again, celebrating other joyful occasions.”

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Filed Under: Breaking News, Wednesday Rewind Tagged With: #WednesdayRewind

Wednesday Rewind:Hieronymous Hedgehog to tweet during hibernation via Keeper of the Tweets

November 13, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Hieronymous twitter account

Click image above to follow Hieronymous on Twitter during hibernation.

Original Publication Date: 23 November 2015

Move over, Keeper of the Nut. Hieronymous Hedgehog has a Keeper of the Tweets.

The Hedgehog, who was sworn in November 2 as The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador, left little to chance, it appears, when he went into hibernation on November 17.

In fact, what he left was eleven weeks’ worth of tweets on the subject of hibernation, including the details of preparation and what life underground is really like.

“He took his duties very seriously, particularly those related to educating non-hibernators, and he was dismayed that the position was created so late in the year,” said Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo, who appointed the Hedgehog in late October. The position carries a term of five years, with the possibility of renewal.

The Chief Archon said they spoke on a number of occasions about the time crunch and the need for Hieronymous to prepare for his own hibernation while leaving time to attend to his new duties, including hosting Q&A sessions on Twitter.

“I told him to resume his duties full-time in the Spring and not to worry about it. But he wanted a more concrete solution to the problem,” she said.

Enter The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitters, GoUnderground, for whom Hieronymous is a spokesAnimal.

“He was facing a deadline in every sense of the word and I told him that whatever we could do to help, we would,” says Nafari Bongo, GoUnderground’s Director of Sales.

The solution they came up with was for Hieronymous to take a few days and dictate everything he wanted to say about hibernation this year. Then, they’d hire another Animal to send the info as tweets throughout the Winter.

“Hieronymous was thrilled with that solution. He kept saying, ‘Brilliant! Brilliant!’ And his enthusiasm was infectious. We all got into it and made suggestions about topics and questions that non-hibernators might have,” Bongo says.

The hibernation outfitter then discreetly placed an ad for a non-hibernator to take over the Twitter account for twelve weeks.

“We found the perfect tweeter and we’re almost ready to go live,” he says. But the identity of that tweeter will be kept under wraps until the Spring.

As for Hieronymous, we wish him a happy hibernation and we look forward to seeing him again on Groundhog Day.

“Under and out, as he might say,” laughs Bongo.

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Filed Under: Breaking News, Wednesday Rewind Tagged With: #WednesayRewind

Wednesday Rewind: Research Cautions: Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues

November 6, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Original Publication Date: 29 June 2007

Even Miaowgirls get the blues.

That is the determination of six University of West Terrier researchers who have analyzed the results of the first phase of a three-part study of depression and its effects on Cats.

The study, entitled, “Depression in Cats: Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” was funded in part by The Catnip Company and is the first undertaking of its kind in the history of UWT’s School of Medicine.

“We are very excited about this study,” said Dr. Chloris Cougar, who heads the team of dedicated researchers.

“Until recently, we had to make do with second-hand information, most of which came from Human sources and did not, necessarily, reflect the realities of Feline life.”

The current study, she said, “gives us the opportunity to analyze data that pertain solely to Felines. This will enable us to understand the full effects of depression on our particular species.”

The UWT Researchers estimate that Feline depression accounts for a significant loss of productivity in The Park, as well as profound mental anguish and physical discomfort for the individuals involved.

In addition, Dr. Cougar believes that depression can cause or affect other illnesses in Cats.

“We have long suspected that depression has been, in part, the cause of other conditions that Cats presented with at our hospital and at Dr. Bourru’s office. We look forward to having the chance to test that hypothesis.”

To date, analysis of the first phase of the study has enabled the UWT team to isolate at least one distinct depressive syndrome in Cats, which it calls Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder, or FUDD (see symptoms below).

“This is truly a breakthrough,” said Dr. Cougar, “Once we are able to recognize the symptoms of depression in Cats, we will be able to develop effective treatments for the disease. This study has given us all new hope.”

Results of the second and third phases of the study are expected to be published within the next three years.

_________________________________________

FUDD: The Symptoms

Physical symptoms include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, fatigue, and restlessness:

  • A large number of Cats reported being conscious more than half the day.
  • Most Cats reported a marked decrease in their interest in food.
  • Psychomotor activity changes include decreased incidence of and ability to knead, claw, climb, jump, spring, and pounce.
  • Researchers noted decreased speed in eye movements and claw retraction.
  • Mood symptoms include a reduced capacity to enjoy warmth and sunshine, as well as a generalized lack of interest in adult daily life.
  • Some Cats experienced a desire to return to the behaviour of kittenhood, and reported an increase in the desire to suckle.
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Wednesday Rewind: Today’s Account of the State of The Park: what to hope for, what to expect

October 30, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

State of Park

Original Publication Date: 27 October 2015

EDITORIAL

In some Animal languages, “hope” and “expect” are the same word.

But today, when the Archons and the new Park Finance Officer deliver their annual Account of the State of The Park, we may find those words have two very different meanings.

The hope that most Park Animals feel these days is rooted in our respect for the new head of the Park Finance Office (PFO). Valentina Abeja is thoughtful in a way that former PFO head Milton Struts ceased to be, if ever he truly was. She is not given to habits or rules and sees beyond what is to what she believes ought to be, and she seeks to achieve it through prudent stewardship and responsible fiscal policy. While her first budget was far from perfect, it spoke more to Park citizens’ aspirations than any of the four previous budgets had. It addressed our core beliefs and, yes, our core hopes. And, yet, it managed to hold our expectations at bay, if only for a year.

While we hope that we can recapture the harmony that was Jor’s vision and that led to the founding of The Park, our leaders have not forged any path for us to follow in order to achieve that.—TMD Managing Editor, Orphea Haas

The flip side of this, of course, is that the last few sets of Archons have done very little of this in the political sense. They have kept the worst at bay but have not, to date, offered any real solutions to the growing problems of our maturing zoocracy. While we hope that we can recapture the harmony that was Jor’s vision and that led to the founding of The Park, our leaders have not forged any path for us to follow in order to achieve that. Thus, we are left to our own devices (literally and figuratively) to solve the enormous problems that face us.

Today’s Account will include an update on the “Report on the State of Hate in The Park” that the Archons requested of the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) four months ago. It speaks to our sorry state of affairs that so many of us are anxious to hear the interim results, if only to know where we stand and what measures must be taken to quell that rising tide.

If there is one aspect of today’s report that we can know for certain ahead of time, it is that something must be done to address the growing specism in The Park. The desire of an overwhelming number of us to deal with this problem head-on and to solve it, which was the impetus for commissioning the report, is the one bright light in all this darkness. We can only hope that, with the help of our leaders, we will be able to harness that desire and turn it into positive change.

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Filed Under: Breaking News, Wednesday Rewind Tagged With: #WednesdayRewind

Wednesday Rewind: Beasts unburden themselves at sold-out Summer concert

October 23, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

The Beasts of Burden perform to a sell-out crowd

Original Publication Date: 31 August 2006

On 29 August 2006, under a nearly-full moon, the sensational six-Animal band, The Beasts of Burden, brayed to a packed house in the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The concert lasted nearly four hours and had it not been for The Park’s recently-enacted noise laws it might have continued well into the morning.

The appreciative audience came from far and wide. At times, patches of the sky could not be seen for the Birds who wafted above, many of whom had bought last-minute hovering-room-only tickets.

“This is a once-in-a-lifetime event for me,” said Graham Albatross, who was visiting relatives in The Park this Summer. “I have all their recordings but I’ve never been to one of their concerts. I stayed an extra day just to be here for this.”

That loyal and enthuiastic sentiment was shared by many in the packed crowd. The Beasts of Burden have inspired great fidelity among Animals since they began their career in 1999, and it is no wonder. The group made its name with songs such as “Donkey Hot,” “Pack of Lies,” and “The Day the Oxen Rose.” That last tune aroused an ovation so loud and so long that there were fears the concert would not continue. Twenty minutes later, however, the strains of the less strident, though not wholly apolitical, “Llama Man,” could be heard above the screaming crowd. The group’s vocal qualities seemed to be at their peak. Both Donkeys’ raspy, brassy voices played well against the Horses’ whinny and the Mule’s velvety tones, and contrary to recent rumours in gossip newspapers, lead singer Alfredo Ox was in top form, having recently recovered from back surgery.

It was a concert that Park Animals will talk about for some time to come, until The Beasts see fit to grace our fields again.

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Wednesday Rewind: Skunk’s candidacy raises stink at POPS debate

October 16, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

POPS candidate Zachariah Skunk

Original Publication Date: 7 November 2011

Zachariah Skunk caused a stink last night when he took his place among the other candidates at the annual POPS all-candidates’ debate.

Because he announced his candidacy for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) at the last minute, The Park’s Election Office had not had the opportunity to inform the other four contenders, who stood in amazement as the Skunk’s name was called.

“This is an outrage,” said Malinda L. Hamster, President of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC).

The Hamster did not elaborate, leaving spectators to wonder whether the “outrage” was the Skunk’s last-minute candidacy or his species.

According to rules that were put in place in 23 AZ (2003), subsequent to a the decision of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in the landmark case of “Spring’s Unsprung Heroes” vs the descendants of E. Bromley Groundhog, all species of Animals are eligible to enter the race to become Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. To date, however, only Animals belonging to the species Marmota monax have put their names forward.

The POPS election occurs today, ten days before the official date of hibernation. Aside from Zachariah Skunk, candidates for 2012 POPs are W. Chester Whistlepig, Alderina Woodchuck, Ingersoll Marmot, and Ulrica Gilda Groundhog.

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Wednesday Rewind: Doves’ Golub calls out dating services for “jeopardizing our family structure.”

October 9, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Georgina GolubOriginal Publication Date: 16 October 2016

Doves of Peace spokesBird Georgina Golub has a bone to pick with The Park’s internet dating services.

In a interview on AVN Radio this morning, Golub, who has served with the Doves of Peace for five years, took both CyBird Dating Services and GanderMatch.com to task, blaming them for jeopardizing the family structure of her species and others.

“We [Doves] are monogamous. At least, that’s the way it always was until these services popped up in The Park and threatened our way of life,” she said.

Golub, who plans to migrate next week along with her two youngest, said over the past few years she’s seen far too many Avian families break up after migration season ends.

“We leave our males behind to take care of things here and that’s never been a problem until the past few years,” she said. “These services encourage them to look for companionship while their mates are away and we don’t intend to stand for it any longer.”

Both CyBird Dating Services and GanderMatch.com were founded by Cesar Emilio Gander, whose brother Manuel assumed the reins of both companies after Gander’s untimely death in 2009.

In a statement released after the interview was broadcast, Manuel Gander defended the integrity of his two companies, writing, “We would like to stress that we are first and foremost mating services, which are used to bring together Birds who are interested in establishing and raising a family together. From time to time, some of our clients may misrepresent themselves or their intentions and while we do not agree with their behaviour, we are not responsible for their decisions,” the statement said.

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Wednesday Rewind: New rules: PIFF lays down the law before announcing films

October 2, 2019 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Park Interspecial Film FestivalOriginal Publication Date: 14 August 2013

Two days before announcing the roster of films that will screen at the 9th annual Park Interspecial Fllm Festival, PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot convened an early morning press conference to announce what she calls “the new rules.”

Exhibiting a no-nonsense attitude, Ocelot read from a prepared statement and then took questions from the media.

In the statement, she confirmed that PIFF 2013 would include a number of items that were introduced last year. Most notable of these was “Noon Nuttiness,” the name given to the practice of screening comedies only between the hours of 12:00 and 2:00 pm at the Park Cinema.

The difference this year, Ocelot said, is that patrons will not be allowed to bring any technological devices into the cinema. Last year, a riot broke out during a Noon Nuttiness screening, when angry protesters stormed the cinema and demanded that patrons hand over their cackle-enabled devices. The devices had been lent to the patrons by cackle’s parent company, GooseBook, so that filmgoers could share their favourite moments with friends.

“We cannot allow the Festival to be overtaken by theft and violence,” Ocelot said this morning. “And as a result, we decided not to renew the device-lending agreement with GooseBook at this time. We will be reviewing this option every year and making our decisions on a year-to-year basis,” she said.

Also returning in 2013 are PIFF Pockets, or pocket films, which are films that do not exceed three minutes in length and that have been made specifically for the Festival. Both pocket documentary and pocket fiction films will be screened at this year’s event, Ocelot said.

“We were overwhelmed by the number of submissions of pocket films this year. The popularity of this category exceeded our wildest expectations,” she said.

Once again, documentaries will make up a significant portion of the Festival’s offerings and, as an aside, Ocelot mentioned that she thought the Hot Dogs documentary category this year was “spectacular.”

The full lineup of films for the 9th annual film festival will be announced on Friday, August 16.  The Park Interspecial Film Festival runs from October 1-5, 2013.

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Filed Under: Breaking News, Wednesday Rewind Tagged With: #WednesdayRewind

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