The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2012—Park Finance Office comes in early on cuts, late on budget

By

Although The Park’s Finance Office will present the 2013 budget late, it has already announced cuts in funding

Struggling to meet the demands of a growing population, The Park’s Finance Office (PFO) announced today that it will be late in presenting the budget for the fiscal year 2013.

At a press conference held this morning, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts said that configuring the coming year’s budget has been an “agonizing process” for the PFO and, as a result, it will not be able to present the budget until “mid-August, at the earliest.” Budget projections for the coming year have been announced in mid-July since the establishment of zoocracy.

Despite lacking an actual budget, Struts was able to confirm the rumours of cuts to funding in the areas of arts, sports, and special events.

“It was a tough decision, to be sure,” said Struts. “But it came down to…do we take the money from healthcare, security, refugee services? These are not areas that can be funded by anyone else. But arts, sports, and events can and some events have received private funding in the past. We’ve had success with sponsorships from Park businesses and we’re hoping to see more of that in the coming year.”

When asked about expectations regarding The Park’s economy, Struts said there was reason to believe there would be growth in the coming year.

“We continue to be cautiously optimistic about The Park’s fiscal future,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Autochthonous art to take root at Park ART Walk 2013

By

PAW logoThe 2013 Park ART Walk will highlight the art of The Park’s autochthonous Animals, it was announced today.

In a joint statement released this morning, the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk (PAW), the Society of Autochthonous Artists (SAA), The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, and the Founding Families Financial Corporation, confirmed the theme of The Park’s 7th annual Park ART Walk.

“We are extremely pleased that we have been able to work together to bring this focus to the 2013 Park ART Walk,” the statement began.

“While The Park is extremely proud of its immigrants and values the contributions in all areas that they have made and continue to make, we believe that it is time to shine a light on the artistic endeavours, both past and present, of our autochthonous population. These are the Animals without whom there would be no zoocracy and no Park as we know it, the Animals who foraged here first, then forged out of this place a society for others to live in peacefully, based on the values that we all have come to share,” the statement concluded.

Underwritten in part by the Founding Families Financial Corporation, The Park-wide exhibition will be entitled, “From the Ground Up.”

This is only the second time in its history that the Park ART Walk has had a distinct theme. Last year, thanks to a one-time gift from The Archons’ Initiative Fund, the event showcased art as it related to the theme, “INtegration through ART.” The stated goal of that themed exhibition was to “encourage Animals to learn more about species other than their own, so that we can understand our differences and our similarities.”

The 2013 theme, however, appears to have a much less ambitious goal.

“Our exhibit of autochthonous art has no goal beyond appreciation,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

The Park ART Walk (PAW) is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 7th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, August 17, 2013 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, retail establishments, and at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. This year’s jury will include curators from the Ewe and Moo and Knochen Kunst Galleries.

OTD in 2012—Bad Boy Chef to open new restaurant at Park Museum

By

Bad Boy chef Tab Tricolore will open the PurrBoy Café at The Park Museum

Bad boy chef, Tab Tricolore, will open his next restaurant at The Park Museum, according to a statement released on July 15 by The Museum’s Board of Governors.

The new restaurant will be called the PurrrBoy Café and will serve formal lunches and dinners, as well as take-away meals for those on the go. The restaurant will commence service approximately two weeks before the museum’s opening ceremonies take place.

Insiders speculate that Tricolore will engage the services of Tagma Design for the new café’s décor. Tagma Design is the firm Tricolore has used for each of his four restaurants.

“Tab trusts them completely. I think he has definite ideas about what he wants for this restaurant. I think he wants it to be not only different, but special,” said a source who wished not to be named.

Tricolore has made headlines over the years for his penchant for wild scenes and sudden staff firings, as well as for occasionally pouncing on customers who complain about his food.

“Tab has little patience for customer complaints,” says his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “He’s a perfectionist and he figures if you’re complaining, you just don’t get it,” he says. “He’s the same way with staff.”

To his credit, Tricolore says he will be hiring staff for the new restaurant “from within The Park”, as he has done for each of his restaurants. According to his web site, training will begin three months after all staff members are hired.

The Park Museum is scheduled to open in 2013.

OTD in 2016—Body of Zuberi Tembo interred in Africa; memorial service to be held in Park

By

Zuberi Tembo

The late Zuberi Tembo (Photo taken last year)

The body of bassist Zuberi Tembo was interred in his native Africa yesterday, his cousin Thwayya Tembo told The Mammalian Daily.

The Endeka Elephant Band member was killed ten days ago on a trip home to visit his family. His cousin, who is acting as the family’s spokesAnimal, said they continue to mourn the loss of their loved one but are grateful for the outpouring of support from The Park.

“We are all devastated by the loss of Zuberi. His murder was made all the more painful by the irony that he had escaped the danger of Humans by defecting from the circus so many years ago and had lived peacefully in The Park. But we want to express our appreciation to the Archons and to all Park citizens for the outpouring of support for his family and friends. It is gratifying to know that there are so many who were touched by Zuberi during his lifetime.”

In a related statement released this morning, The Archons confirmed that a memorial service for the fallen musician will take place on July 26 at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Details will be available shortly.

OTD in 2012—PIFF adds new film category to 2012 roster

By

The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) has announced the addition of a new category to festival judging: PIFF Pockets.

At a press conference held this morning, PIFF Communications President, Leola Ocelot, confirmed the long-awaited addition.

“The Park’s filmmakers have a proud history in the area of pocket films,” she said. “We are delighted to be adding that category to our roster this year and we look forward to awarding our first prize in the category of PIFF Pockets.”

Pocket films are generally defined as films that do not exceed three minutes in length. To qualify for the PIFF Pocket category, films must have been made specifically for the Festival and must have their first screening at the Festival. Both pocket documentary and pocket fiction films are eligible for submission, Ocelot said.

Submissions to the Festival will be accepted from 9:00 a.m. on Friday, July 20, 2012 until midnight on Friday, September 21, 2012.

The 8th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival will take place October 1-5, 2012.

OTD in 2015—Millicent Hayberry eulogizes superfan at Saturday’s memorial service

By

Millicent Hayberry

Hayberry eulogized superfan Xanthippe Porcupine at Saturday’s memorial service

Outside the Burrow Theatre yesterday, Millicent Hayberry acknowledged the contributions of Xanthippe Porcupine, her “greatest fan,” and held court afterwards, signing autographs and mixing with the crowd at what some in attendance called a “bizarre combination of memorial service, self-promotion, and lovefest.”

At times unusually restrained and at others downright effusive, Hayberry spoke almost lovingly of an Animal whom she had at first feared.

“I was young, inexperienced, and unused to such focused attention,” she told the crowd of mourners standing under the bright sun. “Xanthippe changed all that for me.”

Hayberry said she’d found that one of the consequences of having a superfan was that she had to fight to maintain a more objective view of herself and her work. But, at the same time, Porcupine’s recommendations provided a balance.

“Xanthippe was never critical, even when she made suggestions, which other actors would have found outrageous and presumptuous. But she had a good ear and was particular about cadence and, in the end, I believe that made my performances better,” she said.

Among the others who spoke at the memorial was Porcupine’s daughter Carys, who thanked Hayberry for agreeing to give the eulogy, while gently teasing her about never feeling as important to her mother as Hayberry was.

“I was, in fact, my mother’s only daughter, but I always felt as if I were her second and Millicent Hayberry was her first,” she joked. “My only regret is that my mother wasn’t able to hear the wonderful things you said about her today.”

Porcupine was laid to rest in a private burial Saturday evening.

OTD in 2016—Flyball Finals take on new significance

By

Flyball DogSunday’s Flyball Finals will be exciting, for sure. But those attending the annual sporting event will feel a particular sense of pride this year. And a poignancy, as well.

“There is no doubt that Flyball has come a long way in The Park,” says Adrià Lebrel, president of the Park Flyball Association (PFA).

“It took years for us to accept it, and that goes for all ball sports. But it’s taken even longer for us to take pride in our abilities in that area. We’ve been far more willing to show reverence toward our athletes who wrestle, tunnel, race, or swim. Our ball athletes have had to work much harder for recognition and that’s a shame,” he says.

But, Lebrel says, it’s a testament to our ability to expand our minds that ball sports have finally gained our respect. And he credits Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and Park sports historian, Bailey, with helping to bring about the change in our attitude.

“Bailey worked hard to build respect for the ball. Before he started writing his column, none of us knew anything about ball history or its importance in the life of Canines and other Animals. He taught us about ourselves, and this year, with his work with the Park Museum on the flyball exhibit (Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals), he’s brought that full circle. We owe him a great deal of thanks.”

Still, come Sunday, we’ll also be feeling some sadness, due to the theft of Bailey’s basketball, which he’d lent to the museum for the duration of the exhibition.

“When he stands up to open the games, we’ll be feeling for him. There’s no doubt about that,” says Lebrel.

OTD in 2013—Rumoured increase in tourism funding fuels Animals’ anger

By

The 2014 budget is due to be presented at the end of the month

Park Animals are fuming over rumours that the 2014 budget includes an increase in funding to promote tourism.

The rumours, which were published this morning in several Park newspapers, have added fuel to Park residents’ anger about the budget and about the Archons’ push to make The Park a popular tourist destination.

“The Park Finance Office should be ashamed of itself for even considering it, and so should the Archons,” Emmanuelle Musaraigne told reporters at a hastily-called press conference this afternoon.

Musaraigne, who is president of the recently-formed anti-tourism group, NoPARKing, mnaged to assemble her membership within minutes of hearing the rumour. Some even came prepared, carrying signs that simply said, “NO!”

“We will protest and we will protest until this thing is removed from the budget,” Musaraigne declared at the end of the conference.

“And we will boycott this ill-conceived three-prong tourism plan entirely unless the Finance Office and the Tourist Office show some respect for Park citizens,” she said.

The plan, which was introduced last year as a scheme to open up a new revenue stream for The Park, has continued to be controversial and unpopular among Park residents. Last year, some particularly infuriated members of the group, Keep Your Paws out of Our Ponds, set up barriers in the new tourist areas in the hope of discouraging return visitors.

Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) says that while there is no proof that tourists benefit The Park’s economy, there is ample evidence that they are destroying our pristine environment : ”It’s not as if they buy anything from our shops or even from our restaurants,” he says. “They insult us by bringing their own food and drink and leaving the garbage behind for us to clean up.”

But The Park’s immigrant aid groups say they fear an even more devastating possibility: that funds that have previously gone to assisting refugees and new immigrants might be diverted to this new tourism plan.

“We are a Park of immigrants and refugees, some of whom have fled the very creatures we are now being told to welcome and to serve. This is a very dangerous path for us to follow,” says Inez Gallina of Home to Roost.

OTD in 2011—Star’s illness shuts down set of “Mixed Nuts”

By

Lodgepole Productions has halted filming on the set of “Mixed Nuts” due to the ongoing health problems of its star, Millicent Hayberry.

In a press release issued this morning, the film’s Executive Producer, Victoria Sciurini, announced that filming had ceased “for the forseeable future” due to the hospitalization of the project’s star.

There has been no official announcement about the actress’s condition since she was bitten on the set by a fan and rushed to The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.  Initial reports stated she was in stable condition and under observation.  Later, rumours began to circulate that she had contracted a deadly disease from the bite.  The actress’s representatives refused to comment on the rumours.

One source close to the actress said she was experiencing a high fever and tremors and that doctors had commenced a course of pharmaceutical therapy that would “take several weeks to complete”.

A spokesanimal for film company said they are committed to completing the project with Millicent Hayberry and that they eagerly await her return to good health.

OTD in 2013—Beasts of Burden unveil new song for upcoming music fest

By

Beasts of Burden new song

Last night, in a rare appearance at their own pub, the Beasts of Burden unveiled their newest song, “Llego Con Tres Juguetes” (“I Arrive With Three Toys”). The band has dedicated the song to the victims of enforced domestication.

Last night, in a rare appearance at their own pub, The Beasts of Burden unveiled their newest song.

As he ascended the makeshift stage at The Draft, lead singer Alfredo Ox motioned to the crowd and asked for silence. Then he took the microphone and made a short speech in which he said he’d dedicated his new song to the survivors of enforced domestication.

“I was moved by the many stories I read about Animals who escaped enforced domestication,” he said. “They’re a different kind of refugee, one that maybe doesn’t get as much attention as others. But since we established our new music festival, the Beats of Burden, to aid all Park refugees, I thought it was appropriate that I write a song about their struggles.”

Then, joined by the other band members, Ox sang “Llego Con Tres Juguetes” (“I Arrive With Three Toys”):

Llego con tres juguetes (I arrive with three toys)
Un muñeco de peluche (A stuffed toy)
Una pelota  (A ball)
Un hueso falso (A fake bone)

The song is the story of a Canine refugee who arrives in The Park with no food, family, or friends. His only possessions are the three toys his captors gave him: a stuffed toy, a ball, and a bone.

When the band was done, the cheering crowd clamoured for an encore. But Ox said they couldn’t oblige.

“We’re saving the rest for the fest,” he said, leaving the band’s manager, Ignatius Herder, to reassure the crowd.

“They’ll be back…just not tonight,” said Herder.

Herder also confirmed that all proceeds from the song’s sales will go to charities that assist The Park’s refugees.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

July 2025
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031