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Wednesday Rewind: Archons delay hibernation as 2014 POPS remains undeclared

December 2, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Breaking_News

Original Publication Date: 19 November 2013

In an unprecedented move, the 2013 Archons have voted to delay the official date of hibernation until a winner in the 2014 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) election can be declared.

Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, announced the unanimous decision at a press conference this afternoon.

“Due to the exceptional circumstances in which we find ourselves this year, the 2013 Archons, under the leadership of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, have made the decision to delay the official date of hibernation until such time as we are able to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election.

This was a difficult decision to make, but the Archons believed that it was the only way to respond with fairness to the needs of The Park’s hibernating community. They felt strongly that we could not expect these citizens to go into hibernation without knowing the results of this important election. The Archons, therefore, have decided that hibernation will occur one day after the winner of the POPS election is declared,” Alouatta said.

The press conference was attended by Chief Archon Rhinoceros and six of the 34 remaining Archons: Oonagh Albertina Hellbender, Grosvenor Tortoise, Ottmar Limpkin, Françoise Hélène Coccinelle, Hagen Roeland Roadrunner, and Paulette Woodpecker. Gerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office also attended. The group did not entertain questions.

After the statement was read, a one-page press release was distributed. The release assured Park citizens that the decision “was not taken lightly, but was made in consultation with a number of medical experts from the University of West Terrier, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.” The Archons also sought a number of legal opinions before making their decision, the press release said.

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Wednesday Rewind: Playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn dead

August 5, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Original Publication Date: 22 July 2014

Veteran playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn has died, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

In a communication sent to managing editor Orphea Haas, Aardeekhoorn’s publicist confirmed that the author of “Mixed Nuts” died at her burrow sometime between Saturday evening and last night. Her body was discovered this morning by a friend, the publicist said.

Aardeekhoorn was born in The Park to an immigrant Chipmunk family. A prolific writer, she was the author of two novels, a book of poems, and three plays, as well as her “Chronicles,” upon which the one-Chipmunk show, “Mixed Nuts,” was based. Last year, Aardeekhoorn received the Chitter Radio Literary Award for her last work, ”Truffles.” She was also honoured at that event for her efforts on behalf of the Park Repertory Theatre.

Aardeekhoorn was nine years old.

Read also: Theatre Review: The Sound of One Nut Cracking

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Wednesday Rewind: Theatre Review: The Sound of One Nut Cracking

July 29, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Mixed Nuts Stage Play PosterOriginal Publication Date: 18 June 2013

The power is in the understatements in “Mixed Nuts,” the compelling one-Chipmunk drama that opened for a short time in Alepou (November) and is scheduled for a return engagement this Barnabus (February) at the Park Repertory Theatre.

This should come as no surprise, given that the author is Imogen Aardeekhoorn, who has adapted her now famous chronicles for the stage. Understatement is the hallmark of Chipmunk literature and Aardeekhoorn ranks among the best of her species, drawing on the tradition as if she were sucking sand from a straw. Take, for example, the line with which she concludes the story of her harrowing escape from a trap that was set in the backyard of a house outside The Park:

“It wasn’t my time.”

A lesser writer might say more but Aardeekhoorn, played by the lovely and lively Millicent Hayberry, need not explain. We know, from the get-go, how she will react to the many challenges of modern Chipmunk life. We are also privileged to be her confidantes as she lays bare her feelings about herself, her ancestors, and her species as a whole, in this deeply personal account that lasts only sixty-five minutes but sweeps across the terrain of some fifty generations.

The struggle of Park Chipmunks has not gone uncharted; as a founding family, they have experienced the best and the worst of The Park. But it is a rare occasion on which a member of this secretive species speaks openly about the struggle for survival, the trials of colonial life, and the emotional burden that is placed on a generation born and raised in a world unfamiliar to its parents.

The strength of the piece lies in this rarity; the operative word here is “speak.” Having read the original chronicles in hardshell, I wondered whether Aardeekhoorn’s voice could translate faithfully to the stage. I needn’t have worried; a seasoned performer such as Millicent Hayberry could not do otherwise but bring authenticity to the rôle. She does so brilliantly, all the while infusing it with an “everyAnimal” sensibility that draws us closer to her with every revelation.

And it is here that Hayberry reveals the full range of her dramatic and vocal artistry. Few of the “great secrets” that she is given to impart are, in fact, unknown to the audience. Aardeekhoorn’s life is legendary in The Park; the secrets of this “twitching teller of tales” are, at once, shocking, familiar, and predictable. Yet, in mining the depths of her own emotions, Hayberry conveys Aardeekhoorn’s own sense of shock and dismay and jolts the audience out of its complacency. No longer predictable, she disarms and charms her captive audience for the full sixty-five minutes. It is a performance well worth studying for her technique alone.

A good deal of credit for the play’s vigour must go to director Donald Merriami, whose fluid style marries well with Hayberry’s vocal dynamism. Praise must also go to set designer, Roland Xerus, whose faux burrow is exquisitely lit by Constantine Lampris, and to costume designer, Oberon Pavo, whose “over-the-top” stripes add an extra dimension to the drama.

MIXED NUTS
By Imogen Aardeekhoorn, based upon her chronicles; directed by Donald Merriami; sets by Roland Xerus; costumes by Oberon Pavo; lighting by Constantine Lampris; sound by Marit Chauna; production stage manager, Burkhard Shepherd; associate director, A.S. Tami. Presented by Hudson Meerkat and Anthony Abert, executive producers. At the Park Repertory Theatre, 2-13 Alepou (returning 14 Barnabus-32 Varrah). Running time: 65 minutes.

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Wednesday Rewind: Security breach at LynxedIN leaves hundreds vulnerable

July 22, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Original publication date: 26 July 2012

A security breach at the network run by the LynxLink charity has left hundreds of The Park’s immigrant and refugee Lynx and their families vulnerable to abduction, incarceration, and murder.

A spokesAnimal for the charity, which assists immigrants to The Park through its LynxedIN network, told The Mammalian Daily that the charity discovered the breach late last night.

“We became aware of a problem with our systems and immediately shut down our network.  IT experts from the University of West Terrier arrived within an hour to help us,” she said.

Unfortunately, the IT help came too late for The Park’s Lynx. Experts discovered that the identities of hundreds of Lynx were stolen from the charity’s systems.

“It’s a worry, to be sure,” says LynxLink spokesAnimal Lucia Castilla. “Some very sensitive information has been stolen from our database, including the names and addresses of Lynx who have escaped from zoological parks and so-called ‘nature reserves’. The Humans who run these are very aggressive; they’ve been looking for these Lynx and they will stop at nothing to find them. Unfortunately, this has made it easier for them to do so.”

LynxLink confirmed that it has advised all Park Lynx of the problem and the charity has assured them that it will assist them in all ways possible to maintain their security within The Park.

“The safety of The Park’s Lynx is of paramount importance to everyone,” says a message on LynxLink’s web site this morning.

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Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Technology and Science, Wednesday Rewind Tagged With: 2012, wednesday rewind

Wednesday Rewind: Seahorse nixes retraction, plunges headlong into controversy

June 3, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Retired Archon Wyndham Seahorse refuses to retract his comments regarding The Promise of The Park

Original Publication Date: 14 June 2012

Retired Archon, Wyndham Seahorse, plunged headlong into renewed controversy yesterday, when he refused to retract a statement he made two weeks ago about “The Promise of The Park.”

Speaking at the 2012 commencement ceremony at the University of West Terrier, Seahorse called the concept “a sham” and told the graduating class, “You’ve been had.”

Asked point blank by a Park Aquatic Animal Television (PAATV) reporter whether he regretted his comments, Seahorse replied, “Not at all,” and began to elaborate further on his theme.

“I think it’s important for our young to know that they’re not headed in the direction they’ve been led to believe,” he said.

Seahorse continued in that vein for approximately a minute and a half before the reporter cut him off. Visibly frustrated, the 2008 Archon continued to talk, saying later that he believed he had a very important point to make, whether Animals wanted to hear it or not.

“I served as an Archon for one year and I saw what was going on in The Park and in the wider world. I would think the value of that would be recognized, but I see that, sadly, it is not,” he said.

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Wednesday Rewind: UWT commissions institutional biography

April 1, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Original Publication Date: 04 November 2011

The University of West Terrier announced today that it has secured the services of award-winning author, Pieter N. Paard, to write the definitive history of The Park’s oldest institution of higher learning.

In a statement released to all Park media, the President of UWT, Angus Abhag, said that this will be “a no-holds barred, complete history of the institution, from its foundation to the present day.”

The statement also said that UWT hoped all present and past faculty and staff members, as well as the university’s students, friends, and benefactors, would cooperate with Paard and be “completely honest about their experiences at the University of West Terrier.”

Pieter Paard is best known for his book, From Slavery to Freedom: A History of Pack Animals. A five-part television series, based on the book, aired on PBC Television this Autumn.

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Wednesday Rewind: “Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species

March 25, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Stereotype Sunday

In their continuing effort to foster interspecial harmony in The Park, the Archons have instituted a weekly series of gatherings, which they are calling “Stereotype Sundays.” They hope these gatherings will enable residents to discuss their ideas and misconceptions about other species.

Original Publication Date: 20 June 2013

In their continuing effort to foster interspecial harmony in The Park, the 2013 Archons have instituted a series of public gatherings that will take place every Sunday at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“Stereotype Sundays,” as they will be called, are the latest in a long list of administrative efforts to promote the kind of peaceful coexistence among species that Jor hoped to achieve when he established modern zoocracy in The Park 31 years ago.

But, as the Archons admitted this morning when they announced this latest venture, “almost every success in this area has been hard-won. Worthwhile…and a major step forward, but hard-won.”

This new idea, which was unanimously approved by the Archons in April, differs in its approach in that it is meant “to encourage Animals to be open about what they think and how they feel,” said Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros this morning.

“Free is the operative word,” she emphasized.

“We want all Animals to feel free to bring something to these gatherings. And by that, I mean, to bring their beliefs, their ideas about other species. We want to hear what they think, what their ancestors taught them. We are going to try not to judge, but to educate…to illuminate. After all, we are a community of thousands of different species…there is bound to be an abundance of misinformation,” she said.

The gatherings will begin on Sunday, June 23. For the first event, the Archons have requested that those attending bring a “stereotype” of their own species to the forum.

“An idea, a picture, a quotation…anything…as long as it will spark discussion. That is all we need,” said the Rhinoceros.

The 5 Ws of it all:

Who:    All Park Animals, including citizens, residents, regular visitors, and their friends and families
What:   “Stereotype Sundays”
When:   Every Sunday, 1:00 pm until 6:00 pm
Where:  Ancient, Open-Air Theatre
Why: To foster harmony among all the species that live in The Park by dispelling myths and understanding others’ beliefs

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Wednesday Rewind: Centre for Interspecial Harmony opens

March 18, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Centre for Interspecial Harmony

Original Publication Date: 30 March 2014

After experiencing delays, underfunding, and the resignations of two of its directors, The Park’s new Centre for Interspecial Harmony (CIH) finally opened its doors yesterday afternoon.

The CIH is the brainchild of Dewi Rhinoceros, who is now the Chair of its Board of Directors. It was her 2013 term as Chief Archon that was partly to blame for the opening’s delay.

“Once I found out that I’d been appointed [Chief Archon], I knew I wouldn’t have the time to put into the Centre that I wanted to,” she said yesterday.

While she put the project on hold for the year, she and her fellow Archons instituted “Stereotype Sundays” as a way of  achieving the goal that is most dear to her heart: fostering harmony among all the species of Animals in The Park. This is, not coincidentally, the mission of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony.

“‘Stereotype Sundays’ was just the beginning and more of a foundation,” Dewi said. ” With them, we introduced the notion of openness and our willingness to look realistically at what we might be thinking about each other.”

The CIH plans to build on that foundation by running educational programmes, hosting events, and funding research projects in association with the University of West Terrier.

“Now that we’ve achieved self-government, we might think we can just sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labour. But there is so much work to be done to ensure the health and well-being of zoocracy and, I believe, attending to interspecial harmony may be the most important work of all,” said Dewi.

The Centre for Interspecial Harmony is open seven days a week from 10:00 to 21:00. 

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Wednesday Rewind: Mammalian Daily signs on to media’s “Month Without Metaphor”

March 11, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Month Without Metaphor

The Mammalian Daily will participate in The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor.”

Original Publication Date: 11 March 2014

It’s a bold idea that is sure to make waves. And, this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that The Mammalian Daily is coming on board.

“That is music to our ears,” said Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of The Park’s “Month Without Metaphor.”

The media-wide initiative, which is set to run for the entire month of May, promises to shake up what many regard as a moribund industry. And as of yesterday, almost ninety percent of The Park’s newspapers and magazines had agreed to participate in Tinamou’s “Grand Resuscitation.” The Mammalian Daily is the largest and latest to do so.

“We’re thrilled about it,” said Tinamou in an interview this afternoon. “The Mammalian Daily is such an influential paper in The Park and their participation gives us another quiver in our arsenal.”

The idea of the initiative, Tinamou says, is to “tell it like it really is…no embellishments, no idiotic comparisons, no ridiculous painting of pictures for the reading public. Just the facts. We think they’re enough. And not only do we think the facts are enough, we think all this metaphorical reporting is obscuring those facts and distracting our readers’ attention from the important issues. What we need is clarity, particularly during these challenging times, and we very much look forward to seeing how our readers react to being offered a month of just plain facts.”

The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor” will run from May 1-31, 2014.

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Wednesday Rewind: First quarter results prove opening on Groundhog Day a profitable move

March 4, 2020 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Groundhog Day specialsOriginal Publication Date: 11 April 2016

First quarter results indicate that the Park Finance Office (PFO) did the right thing when it listened to the business community this past Winter and allowed shops to stay open on Groundhog Eve and Groundhog Day.

“We are very grateful to the Park Finance Office and, in particular, to PFO head Valentina Abeja, for supporting our community so strongly,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), in a statement released by the Association today.

According to Whistlepig, Park businesses reported average profits of more than double those of the same period last year.

“This should convince the Archons, the PFO, and Park citizens that a permanent change should be made to the law,” the statement says.

That assertion could signal the start of another major battle in The Park, as the issue of allowing shops to open on Groundhog Day and other holidays has been a contentious one. Those on both sides have argued passionately, but the Archons and the PFO have been reluctant to make any permanent move.

Such a move would require a change in the law, which could only be made after the receipt of submissions from business and the citizenry, followed by a full and open debate, says Delia Quagga, head of the Barnaby School of Government at the University of West Terrier. And that, she says, could take years.

“I think this informal arrangement might be more beneficial than an overhaul of the law,” she said at the time the announcement was made about this year’s opening.

Others in The Park agree.

“We need to look at all the factors responsible for the rise in profit before we make any changes to the law,” says Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners. “Much more study needs to be done.”

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