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DWBS issues “Watch Your Whiskers” alert for tomorrow

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Watch your Whiskers

The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued a “Watch Your Whiskers” alert for tomorrow’s swearing-in ceremony at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety wishes to remind Park Animals that whiskers are particularly vulnerable to damage at this time of year. Those Animals who are planning to attend tomorrow’s swearing-in ceremony of the Archons at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre would be well-advised to take precautions against such damage, due to the forecasted cold temperatures and the projected large numbers of attendees,” the alert states.

This is the second such alert the DWBS has issued this Winter. The first occurred in late December, when The Park experienced record low temperatures.

Department of Well-Being and Safety issues annual advisory

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Beware of Humans


The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued its annual seasonal advisory to Animals.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) issued its annual seasonal advisory today, warning Animals to be vigilant when interacting with Humans at this time of year.

“At all times, but especially during the holiday season, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans, particularly if they are exhibiting sentimental behaviour,” the advisory warns.

“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship’ or say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

“The sentimentality of the season makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“Especially at this time of year, Humans seem to lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny. They sincerely believe they are doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

Archons bow to pressure: hibernation to begin December 1

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December 1


Bowing to pressure from all sides, the Archons have declared December 1 to be the official date of hibernation

[pullquote]”With or without a final tally of votes and an undisputed winner of the 2014 POPS election, the Archons of The Park have declared the official date of hibernation in this year of 2013 to be 1 December.”[/pullquote]Under pressure from all sides to make a final decision about the official date of hibernation, the Archons have declared that hibernation in 2013 is to begin on December 1. An announcement to that effect, signed by all 35 Archons and bearing the seal of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, was posted outside the law courts early this morning.

“With or without a final tally of votes and an undisputed winner of the 2014 POPS election, the Archons of The Park have declared the official date of hibernation in this year of 2013 to be 1 December,” the announcement reads in part.

The decision has been hailed by both interested parties and observers, many of whom have been quick to weigh in.

“It’s a welcome decision. It’s timely and, in my opinion, it’s the best decision they could make at this point,” said Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. Zebu, who spoke on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, is one of the authors of a report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens. He believes that any further delay in hibernation will put the health of Animals at risk.

Zebu’s opinion was echoed by many in The Park’s hibernating community, including Cormac Nuttallii, a member of the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP) and Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels.

Nuttallii, who was a vocal critic of calendar harmonization, still believes the change in calendar accounted for a significant rise in the number of deaths due to premature awakening in his community. He says he fears for his family and friends this Winter and has, therefore, initiated a petition to have the Archons extend the official end of hibernation beyond February 19. Copies of his petition can be signed at the law courts, the Ancient Open-Air Theatre and at select retail outlets around The Park, including the Nut Bar, LeTwiggery, Footpad Heaven, and hibernation outfitters GoUnderground.

For their part, the Archons released a separate statement early this afternoon, emphasizing that their decision was taken based on consultations with many experts in the field of health and hibernation.

“We want to assure all Park citizens that our decision to delay hibernation until December 1 was made with the health and welfare of all in mind and that we would never do anything to put our hibernating community at risk,” the statement said.

Group claims responsibility for Park’s mountain of garbage

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Mountain of garbage

The anti-tourism group NoPARKing has claimed responsibility for the mountain of garbage that is obstructing access to The Park’s northern entrance

The anti-tourism group NoPARKing has claimed responsibility for the mountain of garbage that is obstructing access to The Park via its northern entrance.

In a statement released this morning, NoPARKing president Emmanuelle Musaraigne said that she and her group are proud of the work they have accomplished so far on behalf of The Park’s citizenry.

“It took our members all night to build this mountain of garbage and we are confident that this concrete representation of the damage that unrestricted [Human] tourism can do to The Park will change the way both residents and government see this issue,” the statement read.

Constructed entirely of garbage left in The Park by Human tourists, the mountain rises 30 metres high and stretches across 50 metres.

Park Police were notified of the “mountain” shortly after dawn this morning, a spokesAnimal said.

“We immediately attended at the site and confirmed the incoming reports. Shortly thereafter, the group in question confirmed their involvement and we took steps to halt any further construction at the site,” the Police spokesAnimal said.

Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said neither the Archons nor the Park Finance Office had any plans to alter the 2014 Budget, which awarded 3% of the total to the promotion of tourism.

“While we take our citizens’ concerns seriously, we have no plans at this time to alter our vision for the future of The Park,” Alouatta said on behalf of the Archons.

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DWBS to endangered species: use or lose your benefits

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The Department of Well-Being and Safety is reminding members of endangered species to take advantage of the benefits that are offered to them by The Park's administration

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has embarked on a campaign to remind members of endangered species, such as the Golden Mantella Frog above, that they are eligible for a number of benefits in The Park.

If you or someone you know is a member of an endangered species, The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety has an important message for you: sign up for your benefits within the next six months or risk losing them, forever.

“We’re not meaning to be harsh or hard-hearted about this,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“But it is becoming increasingly important for us to have an accurate figure [for benefits] to present to The Park’s budget committee. Since benefits under the Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP) are one of the the biggest items in our budget, we are asking Animals who qualify but who have not applied, to please do so before the end of the calendar year.”

Kakapo says that when the DWBS established the programme seven years ago, nearly two hundred species of Park Animals were eligible for the benefits.

“That number has grown exponentially. It is almost impossible for us to keep up with the growing number of species [that have become eligible for the programme], let alone the number of new eligibles who have come to The Park through our refugee, re-homing, and other programmes,” he said.

In a report presented earlier this year at the University of West Terrier’s Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science, Kakapo noted that over the last year, the DWBS had hired an additional five full-time and seven part-time workers just to deal with endangered species issues.

“I suppose you might say that means that our programmes are working,” Kakapo joked at the time.

Neither he nor the rest of the DWBS is joking now, though.

“It’s a matter of great importance to all of us in The Park, so make sure you sign up for what’s coming to you before it’s too late,” he says.

Benefits under the Endangered Species Benefits Programme include the following:

• Entry into the The Park’s Endangered Species Registry (ESR)

• Official Endangered Species Photo Identity Card

• Health and Dental Insurance (medicaments included)

• Longevity check-up (once per year)

• Legacy photographs of your family taken by official Park photographer

• Family tree plotting (1 copy per resident)

• Estate planning service

• Taxidermy/Cryopreservation/Burial consultations and services

• Free admission to all Park museums and attractions

N.B. The term “endangered species” is defined as any species that has been designated as “officially endangered” by both The Park’s administration and the Department of Well-Being and Safety.

Otter Ice Slide in jeopardy as victim released from hospital

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Boldizsar Vidra, who suffered a tragic accident on the Otter Ice Slide in January, was released from hospital March 1.

The future of the Otter Ice Slide hangs in the balance, as representatives of The Park Weather Office meet tomorrow with the 2013 Archons, Park Finance Officers, and officials from the Department of Well-Being and Safety to discuss the coming year’s budget and planned allocations for weather purchases.

The special meeting will occur just four days after the release from hospital of Boldizsar Vidra, whose tragic accident on the Ice Slide in early January forced the shutdown of that recreational facility for the remainder of the season.

Vidra faces a long convalescence but is expected to make a full recovery, according to a statement released by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. But the Ice Slide may never be deemed safe to reopen, after a DWBS investigation found that weather conditions in The Park for the past few Winters have failed to meet the standards for maintaining natural ice surfaces.

“The past few years have seen increasingly warm temperatures in The Park, which we believe are due to budget cutbacks and the misallocation of funds. These funds, which should be going to purchase weather, are being used instead for celebrations and other frivolous things,” said a spokesAnimal for the PWO. “If the Park Finance Office doesn’t get its priorities straight, the residents of The Park will end up paying dearly for their [the PFO’s] mistakes,” the spokesAnimal said.

Winter weather has become increasingly expensive, experts believe, because there is much less of it available now.

“In the old days, it was the cheapest weather we could buy and we bought lots of it,” said the PWO spokesAnimal. “We had some Winters that lasted from October to May. But the price has become prohibitive and the PFO has become stingier and we see the results of that — not just our poor Otter or the loss of our popular Ice Slide, but the rise in deaths from premature awakening, food shortages due to drought, and the increase in domicile destruction,” the spokesAnimal said.

Tomorrow’s meeting will be a historic one, as it marks the first time the Park Finance Office has agreed to sit down with the Park Weather Office to discuss funding decisions. The results of the meeting may not be made public until July, however, when the PFO releases its annual budget.

See also: Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change

DWBS shuts down Otter Ice Slide following tragic accident

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Some believe that a partial melting is the cause of the tragic accident that occurred on The Park’s Otter Ice Slide on Wednesday

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has shut down the Otter Ice Slide for an “indefinite period of time” after a tragic accident occurred there on Wednesday afternoon.

In a statement issued this morning, the Department confirmed that an ongoing investigation into the accident suffered by Boldizsar Vidra was the reason for closing the Ice Slide, which had just opened for the season on January 6.

“We are currently investigating the circumstances of the accident that occurred on the Otter Ice Slide on Wednesday, January 9, 2013. Until such time as the investigation has concluded and we have determined the cause, the Slide will remain closed for use,” the statement said.

According to witness accounts, Vidra was lying on his back, travelling at a high speed down the Slide, when he became aware that his coat was stuck to the Slide’s ice.

“He was screaming, begging for help, but no one could help him until he stopped,” said one witness. Approximately three-quarters of the way down the slide, several other Sliders were able to lift him off the ice. By that time, the Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) had arrived and Vidra was transferred to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, where he remains in critical condition.

“There was so much blood,” said another witness. “Parts of his coat were just ripped off and stuck to the Slide.”

The Slide, which operates annually from January 6 until March 13, is the favourite recreational venue of The Park’s Otter families. It is not unusual for Otters and their young to spend an entire day at the Slide. This year, the Slide saw a 600% rise in attendance during its first three days. This increase has been attributed to the fact that the Slide experienced a very short season in 2012, when it was shut down in mid-February because unseasonably warm temperatures caused it to melt.

The DWBS is believed to be investigating the conditions of the Slide between the evening of January 8 and the afternoon of January 9. The accident occurred at 3:15 on January 9. Several witnesses at the scene said a partial melt had occurred in the early hours of the afternoon.

Prior to the Slide’s official opening, The Park’s Weather Office (PWO) issued a statement indicating that the venue would remain open for the entirety of the regular season.

A source close to the PWO, however, who wishes to remain anonymous, told The Mammalian Daily that, privately, the PWO has had concerns about the lifespan of the Slide for several years.

“With all the cutbacks in The Park, the PWO has been fighting, but not winning, a battle to get sufficient funding for Winter weather,” the source said.

The last several years have seen increasingly warm temperatures in The Park and many believe it is due to the cutbacks in the budget.

“If we don’t act on this problem right away,” said the source, “there will come a time when we have only three seasons in The Park.”

See also: Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change

Tulip Map recall “will create havoc in the Spring”: DWBS

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The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has declared the recent recall of the 2013 Tulip Map “a disaster for The Park’s citizens.”

At a press conference held this afternoon, Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, said the map recall will create confusion in general and “wreak havoc among our citizens in the Spring…particularly, among our hibernators.” That havoc, he said, could result in food shortages, violence, “and, possibly, death.”

The map, which is officially known as the “Map of Tulip and other Bulb Beds in The Park and Environs,” is produced annually by the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), in association with the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS), the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), the Association of Distinct Hibernating Animals of The Park (ADHAP) and the Park Alliance of Chipmunks (PAC). The map is used in both Fall and Spring by a large number of The Park’s residents, including members of its many hibernating communities.

The 2013 map, which was released November 1, was recalled on November 28, due to “changes beyond our control,” said a SpokesAnimal for the Confederation of Ground Squirels.

“Toxic substances were discovered in the bulbs’ planting areas and the decision was made to recall the map for the sake of Animals’ health and well-being. Unfortunately, the detection of these substances occurred after the map was distributed to our hibernators,” the SpokesAnimal said.

The DWBS’s Kakapo stressed the urgency of the situation, imploring the groups involved in researching and producing the map to rectify the situation as soon as possible.

“Our citizens, particularly our hibernators, rely on the [Tulip] map in the Spring. The map is the #1 Park resource for [finding] quick food sources. It is unthinkable that we should leave our fellow citizens without a reliable guide for food gathering. More importantly, the danger of [their] succumbing to chemical poisoning due to errors in the map make correcting the situation that much more urgent,” Kakapo said.

He also said his Department intends to “fully mobilize” in early Winter to prevent an outbreak of chemical poisoning in the late Winter and early Spring.

CatsCare Foundation puts out urgent call on behalf of formerly domestic Cats and Kittens

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The CatsCare Foundation has put out an urgent call to Park citizens to assist in the re-homing of hundreds of formerly domestic Cats and Kittens.

CatsCare Community Fundraiser, Elwanda Lynx, issued the call early this morning, as the charity began to run low on supplies for the Cats.

“Some of these Cats have never lived on their own,” she said. “They need everything — food, water, building materials for homes. There are mothers who have new litters, who need a place to stay for the next few weeks. We’re saying to any Animal in The Park who has room for these Cats, or can donate some time or money, please do so,” she said.

Lynx said the Cats are some of thousands who have begun to flee their homes outside The Park.

“I think we’re seeing the beginning of a movement…or even a revolution,” Lynx said. “Many of these Cats were abducted when they were Kittens. They know almost nothing about Park life, but they’ve chosen to take the risk and leave their comfortable domestic situations for the chance to pursue real lives as Cats. It’s our duty to help them as much as we can.”

Not all the Cats are leaving voluntarily, however, and not all are escaping “comfortable” situations.

According to CatsCare Re-Homing Specialist, Lisandara Puma, many of the Cats making their way to The Park have come from abusive situations and some of them have even been abandoned.

“Some have been left just outside The Park’s fence, just left there to find a new life on their own. And many of them lack not only the means, but the skills to move forward without help. And what we’re seeing more and more of is Cats who are coming to us with the signs of [having suffered] physical abuse. Many of them have no claws on their front paws or they’ve had their tails removed. These Cats will require special care,” Puma said.

For more information or to volunteer or make a donation, please contact CatsCare at 228-72273.

Enterprises Moufettes recalls FeralNoMore™ over safety concerns

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In an unprecedented move, The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has ordered retailers to halt sales of a popular scent-masking agent.

Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the manufacturer of FeralNoMore™ says it is recalling ten thousand cans of the spray after several Animals reported suffering ill effects from the product. The DWBS reported that two Animals were so overcome that they required short-term hospitalization.

The product, which the DWBS recommended last Spring in its Travel Advisory, is used by Animals to mask their origin and species, so that they may travel more freely outside The Park. In the recent past, FeralNoMore™ and other scent-masking agents have been credited with preventing a number of crimes against Park Animals, including kidnapping and enforced domestication.

According to a spokesAnimal for the DWBS, the most common conditions associated with FeralNoMore™ include pruritus (itching) and alopecia (hair loss). Both these effects are temporary, the spokesAnimal said, and Animals can be treated either in the physician’s office or at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Reports of memory and identity loss are unsubstantiated, the spokesAnimal said.

The spray product was a popular purchase at many shops in The Park, including the Reek-O-Rama and Footpad Heaven.

In a statement issued after the recall, Enterprises Moufettes said that it hopes to isolate the problem and return the product to market “as soon as possible.”

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