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Animal sterilization rampant outside Park

July 5, 2007 By Thaddeus S. Loris, TMD Health and Safety Reporter

Animals who make their homes outside The Park face sterilization rates of up to ninety per cent, an investigation by a Mammalian Daily UnderCover Reporter has revealed.

According to statistics compiled for the years 21-24 AZ, sterilization affects approximately 42% of Animals who consider themselves to be permanent residents of the lands outside The Park.

“We are looking at rates for Dogs of [sometimes] 900 per thousand,” said Carmelita Ardilla, a member of the team that analyzed the data assembled by the UnderCover Reporter.

The numbers aren’t much better for Cats, either. They are being sterilized at a rate of over 800 per thousand.

“Any way you look at it, sterilizations are being performed in shockingly high numbers,” she said.

What accounts for such significantly elevated rates? The Mammalian Daily asked Dr. M. Rosario Morsa, Professor of Statistics and Well-Being at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, to analyze the data. In his opinion, these numbers are due, in part, to the high rate of co-habitation with Humans outside The Park.

“We keep coming back to it, over and over again,” he said. We do not want to give a simplistic answer; we do not want to lay blame where it might be inappropriate. But it is impossible to ignore this fact. Animals who cohabit with Humans are simply more likely to be sterilized than other Animals.”

Sterilization is believed to be quite fashionable in the Human world. The surgical procedure, which is known by a number of other terms, including “spaying” and “neutering,” became popular among Humans in the last century. Unsubstantiated reports circulating inside The Park indicate that it is now the preferred method of birth control for older Humans and for those who feel that their families are complete. But evidence suggests that the Human attitude toward Animal reproduction differs considerably.

One source close to the investigation, who wished to remain anonymous, revealed that sterilization among Animals who live outside The Park often occurs prior to any live births and has become “a requirement” for the co-habitation arrangement.

“I have been told by friends,” she said, “that it was made quite clear to them that they could not share quarters with Humans unless they surrendered their reproductive rights.”

Last month, an account of such a situation appeared on The Mammalian Daily’s best seller list. Author William Patrick Wolfhound’s “Life in a Gelded Cage: The Personal Memoir of a Pet,” tells the harrowing tale of one Dog’s encounter with a city’s population control policies.

Even if [Human] co-habitation customs are behind this “domestic” trend, that would not account for the alarmingly high rates of sterilization found among Animals who live independently of them. In fact, suddenly soaring rates of sterilization have become a cause célèbre for the Squirrel population, particularly those of the Grey persuasion, and that community has launched an investigation of its own.

The UWT’s Dr. Morsa cautioned that the figures compiled in the report signify a disturbing — and life-threatening – trend – and one to which Park residents should not assume themselves to be immune.

“We do not know all the causes of this trend,” he said, “but it is important to remember, at the very least, that these procedures are being done without the express consent of the Animals. These statistics, then, are indicative of an ethical issue that warrants serious and timely investigation by the entire research community.”

Filed Under: Breaking News

Park braces for panzootic as Small Ball Fever claims new victim

April 16, 2007 By Thaddeus S. Loris, TMD Health and Safety Reporter

Anatomy of a Small Ball: The virus resides in the dimpled surface, but it replicates in the internal layers

The recent death of a Squirrel has alerted The Park’s medical community to the necessity of implementing measures to deal with the possible onset of a panzootic, according to a spokesAnimal for The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

Kostas Apollonios Eusebios Squirrel died on 26 March as a result of Small Ball Fever, six days after he had extensive contact with a small ball which he imported to The Park from a local field.

An internal memo from the DWBS, made available to this newspaper, reveals that the likelihood of a small ball fever panzootic is greater this year than in previous years, in large part because of the proliferation of small balls in the communities surrounding The Park.

Every year, the DWBS monitors the influx of small balls. This year, the number has increased tenfold. Experts say this is due, primarily, to the early onset of warm, sunny weather.

“Small balls are the bane of our existence,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the DWBS. “We can contain them inside The Park, but there is nothing we can do to restrict their number outside our borders,” he said.

Small balls were first sighted in The Park more than a decade ago, but their number has grown exponentially over the past five years. The balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The DWBS’s Kakapo was quick to assure Animals that the Department is doing everything in its power to limit the spread of Small Ball Fever and to protect The Park’s population from a panzootic.

For more information, please consult The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.” 

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Technology and Science Tagged With: panzootic, small ball fever

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