Original Publication Date: 8 Juy 2016

Literacy rates are lowest among members of The Park’s feral communities, according to a study conducted last year at the University of West Terrier.[pullquote]It was one of Jor’s [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy] core beliefs that we must foster interspecial harmony through knowledge. I think we are failing him at the moment.”—Domoina Fossa, lead researcher, UWT F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education [/pullquote]

The study, which was commissioned by the 2015 Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) in association with the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), was conducted by researchers at UWT’s F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education.

The results of the study were published yesterday in the academic quarterly, Journal of Education Theory and Experience (JETE).

“I find these results quite troubling,” head researcher Domoina Fossa said in an interview on TMD Radio this morning. “What they say to me is that not only do we need to work harder to encourage our newest residents to avail themselves of The Park’s educational opportunities, but we have to actively sell the benefits of education to them.”

Fossa, who was the lead researcher in a study five years ago that found the majority of Park Animals were home-schooled, said her new study was a not a follow-up, but a more focused approach to the problem.

“We narrowed our focus by narrowing our field of study and by using a very precise definition of ‘feral,’ she said.

That definition, she told TMD Radio, excluded all moral values and belief systems and used only data related to territory of origin, time spent as a resident in The Park, living conditions, and way of life.

“We deliberately didn’t include time spent with Humans, because we thought that would muddy the waters,” Fossa said. “Many members of our feral communities have known Humans and have used their aid, but it hasn’t changed their way of life.”

Fossa said she expects a “swift and strong” reaction to the study’s results.

“Low literacy rates endanger the principles of zoocracy and interspecial harmony. It was one of Jor’s [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy] core beliefs that we must foster interspecial harmony through knowledge. I think we are failing him at the moment,” she said.

Original Publication Date: 20 April 2007

Swaying to the strains of the Endeka Elephant Band, Ute Orangutan was moved to shed a tear when she spoke about her maternal grandparents, Zanneke and Carlton Orangutan. The Orangs, who fled persecution in their native land, were among The Park’s first citizens.

“They settled here because they believed that, in The Park, they could build a better life,” she said. “I will always be grateful to them…and I will always feel a sense of responsibility to The Park.”

Such sentiments were not unique during the two-day celebration this Winter that marked the 25th anniversary of zoocracy in The Park.

For Jacinta Kri-Kri, the highlight of the occasion was the unveiling of the monument to Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. With her Kids in tow, the Kri-Kri made a dedication of her own, as she placed a wreath of rosemary at the foot of the marble statue.

“I want my Kids to learn Park history so they can understand why Jor is a hero to us,” she said, between bites of one of the many treats that were on offer at the festivities.

Park history was also on the mind of Sagar Hog-Deer, whose family emigrated from the foothills of the Himalayas six years ago. For Sagar, Park history means a solid record based on the principles of tolerance and the welcoming of all species — principles that, he feels, may be hard to maintain in the future.

“The Park is being assaulted from the outside and we are just beginning to see the effects of it,” he said, pointing to the upcoming census, talk of currency amalgamation, and looming political reforms as evidence of the erosion of Park values.

“We need to take a step back. We don’t need to change [things] if there isn’t a problem in the first place,” he emphasized.

While Hog-Deer sees no problem with the status quo, scores of Animals who attended the celebrations say they see the need for immediate changes in The Park.

“We’ve been at a standstill for years. Some aspects of Park life are downright archaic and, some, I might say…were [the result of] hare-brained schemes in the first place,” complained Mason L. Tortoise, head of SARG, the Small Animal Reform Group, which has called for sweeping changes in many Park policies.

Despite the political debate, Park Animals were up for the two days of merrymaking and were quick to declare the event a “roaring success.”

“I think it was a tribute to the power of Jor’s vision,” concluded Humphrey Hyrax, the festival’s organizer.

Original Publication Date: 4 July 2012

With their friends neatly tucked in and enjoying a peaceful estivation, The Park’s hibernating communities have joined together to fight calendar harmonization, which they believe is at least partly responsible for the rise in deaths from premature awakening in their community.

“We wanted to wait until after the official estivation date to launch our fight,” said Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS) whose group initiated the action. “We didn’t want to alarm our friends or disturb their tranquility.”

Together, the hibernating groups plan to challenge the law known as “The Calendar Harmonization Act” in the hope of having it repealed.

“We’re confident that if we succeed in demonstrating the harm it [The Act] has done to our communities, the Archons will consider reinstating our original calendar,” Franklin says.

See also:
Archons to move forward on calendar harmonization
Thousands rally against calendar harmonization

To that end, the hibernators have enlisted the help of a group of researchers and statisticians, including Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier and one of the authors of a recent report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens.

Premature awakening from hibernation is defined by The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) as a situation in which an Animal awakens from hibernation 3-4 weeks before the official date. The situation results in death 99% of the time, as Animals are often unable to find adequate sustenance so early in the season.

According to the report, deaths from premature awakening have risen 30% in the last two years.

“Coincidentally, that is the same length of time the new calendar has been in operation,” says Cormac Nuttallii, a member of the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP) and a vocal critic of calendar harmonization. His group has joined forces with the other hibernating communities to “see that justice is served,” he says.

Original Publication Date: 6 August 2012

Animals achieve lower scores on intelligence tests after they have spent a significant length of time in the company of Humans, say the results of a study conducted by the Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division at the University of West Terrier’s Department of Psychology.

The research study, which involved 5,000 Animals from inside and outside The Park, was conducted over a period of three years by UWT psychology professor and lead researcher, Dr. Luule Aednik. The full results will appear in the September issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP).

Supported in full by University research funds, the study concludes that prolonged amounts of time spent in close contact with Humans causes a “numbing effect” on the brains of the members of many species.

“There is a deficit after a certain length of time,” said Aednik in an interview with The Mammalian Daily.

“The most shocking result in the testing was the loss of recognition of some of the characteristics of one’s own species. We saw some types of species-specific behaviour almost disappear, often after only a few months. Animals lost basic skills; some had even forgotten how to secure their own food,” she said.

Though the impetus for the study was purely academic, Aednik believes the results have more widespread implications.

“I think they explain some of the problems that some Animals have had in adapting to life in The Park,” she said.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 6 June 2012

Portions of The Park’s farmland are being used to produce food for consumption by Humans who live outside The Park, Police have concluded.

At a press conference held early this morning, B.N.L.Valerian Beetle, Head of The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU), confirmed the findings of the Unit’s year-long investigation.

“This has been a long and intensive investigation, conducted over the past twelve months and it includes data from each of the last four seasons,” Beetle said.

The investigation, which involved data-gathering both inside and outside The Park, was initiated after a series of meetings between Park Police and members of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

“We knew that something was terribly wrong,” said SCPCPGF President, A.P. Civet, when she spoke briefly at the end of the press conference.

“We’d been keeping our eyes on these pieces of land for some time…we had permission to seed them and, then, we noticed plants growing in the places we’d planned to seed.”

The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons announced that they were looking at ways to maximize The Park’s food-producing lands. At the time, the Society said it intended to act as a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

At the press conference, Beetle confirmed that the investigation is ongoing, but said there are no known suspects “at this time.”

“We are working on several leads and encourage any Animals who may have seen suspicious activity in the areas of these lands to come forward with information,” he said.

Original Publication Date: 8 November 2012

With a little more than two months to go before their term ends, the 2012 Archons announced plans today for “swift action” on their initiative to establish standardized public education in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt unveiled the official plan for the establishment of a system of “dedicated venues” across The Park “to fulfill the burning need for a standardized system of education for our young.”

The plan, which bears the name “Harmony Through Education” has been years in the making, but the 2012 Archons felt the need had become urgent.

“After we read the results of the [education] study that was commissioned by the 2011 Archons, we knew we had to act,” Newt said.

The Archons explained their decision in a statement released prior to the press conference. It read, in part:

Interspecial harmony is a cornerstone of The Promise of The Park and it is under threat. Several studies have shown a growing lack of knowledge of and lack of exposure to other species among our young. This, we believe, has contributed to the increase in incidents of interspecial violence over the past few years. At the same time, we are seeing dwindling knowledge of The Park’s history among all species, as the oldest Park citizens die off and the young turn their attention elsewhere. We can no longer afford the luxury of leaving education to the family; we must accept the responsibility of educating The Park’s young in a organized fashion. If we do not, we put the future of The Park at risk.

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RELATED ARTICLES:

• Majority of Park Animal home-schooled: study
• Park Historical Society to produce series of short films

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Original Publication Date: 7 May 2013

Here’s the scoop, straight from the mouth of Chuck the Guck Man: Guck is back and it’s bigger than ever!

The only problem is, there’s not much of it available at the moment.

“It’s not often that a businessman asks you not to order his products, but that’s what I’ve been forced to do,” says Chuck, the owner of The Park’s oldest and most prestigious Guck business.

“We’re experiencing a shortage. We’re back-ordered to the end of the Summer and the rest of the year doesn’t look any better. So, please, if you can, hold off until things get better.”

It’s not clear when that better time will be, though, because the shortage isn’t caused by a lack of materials.

“It’s a lack of employees…or, more specifically, a lack of skilled employees…GuckMeisters, to be precise,” Chuck says. And his friend, Stan the Spitman, says the same.

“I’ve been looking for a SpitMeister for over a year,” says Stan.

It’s been a long time since anyone complained of Guck being in short supply, so it’s not surprising that Animals have taken to acquiring skills other than Guckmaking. Chuck understands this.

“In the old days, it was a viable occupation. Everybody used it, so you had a stable customer base. And Guck is in my blood. My father, my grandfather, and my great grandfather were Guck men. It was the family business and I wouldn’t have considered any other occupation. But only a few of my young have joined me here. The rest of them have chosen other fields,” he says.

Guck, which is an acronym of Glutinous Unctuous Coagulated Knots, is a specially-formulated item that Animals have used for centuries to hydrate their eyes. Skilled workers are essential to proper production, because each Guck solution is made to the specifications of the customer. No two Guck solutions are the same.

“Like snowflakes, only stickier,” jokes Chuck.

While their ancestors formulated the solutions in their home laboratories, Chuck and his brothers decided to expand the business beyond their homes. Fifteen years ago, they opened three freestanding laboratories that fulfilled orders from within The Park and beyond.

“It was a thriving business then, and we were at the top. But about eight years ago, sales plummeted. Other types of hydration had been invented and Animals were no longer that concerned about ocular hydration,” he says.

But all that changed a couple of years ago.

“New health studies at the University of West Terrier  and evidence from The Park Hospital confirmed our own suspicions…that ocular dehydration had become a serious health concern in The Park. Animals are heeding the warnings, now, and they want the real thing, made for them alone. So, our business is booming. Well, beyond booming,” he says.

But will all of this new business, fuelled by the health crisis and new generations of customers coming onstream every day, turn that boom into a bust? Chuck says that worry doesn’t keep him up at night.

“We’ve ramped up production and we’re confident we’ll be able to hire a few more GuckMeisters before the year is out, even if we have to set up our own school and train them, ourselves.”

“We’re looking to a time when there isn’t a dry eye in The Park,” he says, smiling.

See also:

Guck prices to rise

Original Publication Date: 20 August 2014

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) announced today that it is moving ahead with its plan to track Human foot traffic in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed that the 2014 Archons had signed off on the controversial plan after several weeks of intense debate.

“This is a major milestone,” said Kakapo. “We are moving in the direction of ensuring the safety and security of Park Animals.”

The monitoring plan, which is scheduled to commence in mid-September, was originally proposed by an ad hoc group after the publication of what they called “disturbing” statistics surrounding the number of accidental deaths of Park Animals that occurred due to “trampling” and other types of collisions with Humans. The leader of the now-dissolved group was Fatima Formiga, great-great granddaughter of the renowned Park poet Aubrey Ant. Ant, a seventh generation Park citizen, was best known for his poem, “If the Shoe Fits.“ 

In a statement issued this morning, Formiga said she was “extremely pleased” to hear the news. She also wrote that it was “an honour for me and my family to have played a part in the solution to this devastating problem. It shows the power that poetry can have.”

To read Aubrey Ant’s famous poem, click here: If the Shoe Fits.