The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2015—Hieronymous Hedgehog invokes uncle at emotional swearing-in ceremony

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Hieronymous Hedgehog It was comfortably warm yesterday afternoon and outside the law courts, a crowd gathered to watch Hieronymous Hedgehog take the oath of office as The Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador.

Standing at the podium afterwards to deliver a short but moving speech, his spines sparkled in the midday sun. He paused just once to brush away a tear as he spoke of his much beloved uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, who served as Archon in 2000 and died in 2008, a victim of premature awakening from hibernation.

“I never thought I’d be able to pay tribute adequately to my Uncle Hamlin,” Hieronymous said. “And I never thought I’d have the chance to thank him for all he did for me and for The Park.

This honour—and this opportunity—mean everything to me. By sharing everything I know (and then some) about the process of hibernation, I will be contributing to interspecial understanding in The Park. But even more than that, I hope to save lives during my tenure. Because—let me warn you—I intend to take full advantage of my new position to raise awareness of the perils of premature awakening and its underlying causes. It’s the least I can do, not just for my Uncle Hamlin, but for the many victims of PA and their friends and families,” he said.

He also pledged to begin his new job “as soon as I leave this podium,” since the official date of hibernation is just two weeks away.

“I say,” he concluded with a smile, “I’ll be working nonstop until I go into hibernation myself, and by that time, you’ll be glad not to hear from me for a while.”

For everything you ever wanted to know about hibernation, follow Hieronymous on Twitter at HieronymousH.

OTD in 2015—Millicent Hayberry to star in new Gianfranco Colocolo mystery series

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Millicent Hayberry

Millicent Hayberry will return to the stage in 2016

Millicent Hayberry will ring in the new year by starting a new gig at the Burrow Theatre.

In a press communiqué today, the renowned actress announced that, beginning in mid-February, she will star in a series of mysteries by award-winning author Gianfranco Colocolo.

“I am very pleased to announce that 2016 will find me back onstage at the Burrow Theatre, in a series of mysteries by Gianfranco Colocolo, the award-winning author of Murder at the Fishbowl. I look forward to working with our brilliant director Jean-Luc Briard and the rest of the wonderful cast,” the communiqué said.

The Burrow Theatre confirmed that rehearsals for the first play begin on Monday.

“As Millicent is a hibernator, she will not be available after November 17, so we have to get going right away and use the time we have,” a spokesAnimal for the theatre said.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, is one of The Park’s early risers and, as such, she does not plan to return to her burrow after Groundhog Day. Instead, said the theatre’s spokesAnimal, “she expects to arrive here on February 3, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to get back to work.”

OTD in 2015—Hieronymous Hedgehog named Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador

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Hieronymous HedgehogHieronymous Hedgehog  has been chosen as The Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador.

Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo made the announcement at a press event in front of the Wishing Well this morning.

With Hieronymous at her side, Cuckoo spoke briefly about the creation of the position and the responsibilities involved.

“This is by no means a ceremonial position,” she said emphatically. “After a series of consultations with a number of groups actively engaged in advocating for interspecial harmony, we Archons decided it was time to expand our own advocacy rôle beyond Stereotype Sundays,” she said.

The position, which has a term of five years, is the first of several that the Archons will be creating in the next few months until their term ends in January, Cuckoo told reporters.

The new Hibernation Ambassador will peform a variety of duties, with an emphasis on educating other Animals about hibernation and advocating for tolerance among species.

Hieronymous will be sworn in on the morning of Tuesday, November 2.

“We will have to keep the ceremony brief,” Cuckoo said. “He has a lot to do between then and November 17 [the official date of hibernation].”

OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

OTD in 2016—GoUnderground Park’s most hospitable shop: survey

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GoUnderground 2015 LogoAnd the survey says: GoUnderground.

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) announced the results of its consumer survey today and the venerable hibernation outfitter has won the title of “most hospitable Park shop.”

At a short ceremony this morning, PASS president Wellington Whistlepig affixed a plaque to the shop’s façade as he congratulated Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, on the honour.

“We are so pleased that one of the Park’s oldest shops is also the best in customer service,” Whistlepig said.

For his part, Bongo was quick to credit his employees with making hibernation shopping an enjoyable experience.

“We have a great team here and we work hard to make our customers happy,” he said. “We are all committed to responding to the needs of modern hibernators and estivators and we are always on the lookout for the newest and best items to ease our customers’ burden.”

Bongo singled out Hieronymous Hedgehog for praise, as well. Last year, the Hedgehog became the shop’s spokesAnimal as well as The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador.

“Hieronymous has done a fabulous job, and not only for our customers. As the face of hibernation, he’s been able to educate non-hibernators and foster understanding among different species. We are truly lucky to have him working for us,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Despite the bitter cold, jubilation reigns at Return of the Nut ceremony

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Return of the Nut 2015

Jubilation reigned at yesterday’s Return of the Nut ceremony.

The temperature was well below normal, the wind was howling and the snow blew upwards and stuck to our whiskers. But there were no complaints from the jubilant throng that braved the elements to attend yesterday’s Return of the Nut ceremony.

As  2015 Keeper of the Nut Eduarda Teresinha Coelho swore the ancient oath that the Nut was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” a great cheer went up from the crowd. The attendees, most of them recently-awakened hibernators, hugged one another, welcomed each other back, and expressed heartfelt thanks to their non-hibernating compatriots.

“Another year, another Nut,” said Malinda L. Hamster, president of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC).

“This is always a very emotional event for us.”

Indeed, and it is a day of great significance to The Park as a whole, as it marks the end of hibernation and the reuniting of most of The Park’s residents.

“It’s a day of faith renewed, as well as hope for the future,” says Park psychoanalyst Dr. Elinore E. Owl. “Its meaning cannot be overstated.”

Clark Cascanueces, President of the Park Historical Society, agrees.

“It’s impossible not to feel the significance [of the Return of the Nut]. It speaks to all our hopes and fears. It renews our faith in our community of non-hibernating friends as well as our faith in ourselves and our survival. In many ways, it marks a new year, even though technically the year has already begun for many.”

Read more about the Keeper of the Nut.

OTD in 2017—Burrowers chase Humans out of Park for photographing hibernators

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hibernators

These pictures, recovered by Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, are now in Park Police possession

Two Park burrowers are being hailed as heroes today, after police confirmed they ran a group of Humans out of The Park when they found them photographing Animals in hibernation.

At a hastily-arranged press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, praised Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, whose quick thinking, Addax said, “preserved the privacy and safety of our hibernating community.”

According to Inspector Addax, the two burrowers spotted what they believed were a couple of illegal holes near their own burrows. After further investigation, they found a cache of small video and still cameras, and several sets of Human footprints. Before they had time to call Park Police, the group of Humans returned, and the two burrowers ran them out of The Park. Police are now in possession of the cameras.

The pair, who attended the press conference this morning, say they don’t feel like heroes at all.

Królik, who calls himself “an ordinary burrower,” told reporters the actions of the Humans offended his sense of propriety.

“I wasn’t even thinking about the law when I saw them [the Humans]. I was thinking that our vulnerable citizens needed protection and I was going to make sure they got it.”

For his part, Coelho said he could only imagine what it must feel like to be violated by Humans while you’re in hibernation.

“It’s just not right. I have many friends in the hibernating community and I know their lives are difficult. They don’t need any added stress, or the fear that their every movement will be recorded while they try to survive the Winter,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Hieronymous Hedgehog to tweet during hibernation via Keeper of the Tweets

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Hieronymous twitter account

Click image above to follow Hieronymous on Twitter during hibernation.

Move over, Keeper of the Nut. Hieronymous Hedgehog has a Keeper of the Tweets.

The Hedgehog, who was sworn in November 2 as The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador, left little to chance, it appears, when he went into hibernation on November 17.

In fact, what he left was eleven weeks’ worth of tweets on the subject of hibernation, including the details of preparation and what life underground is really like.

“He took his duties very seriously, particularly those related to educating non-hibernators, and he was dismayed that the position was created so late in the year,” said Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo, who appointed the Hedgehog in late October. The position carries a term of five years.

The Chief Archon said they spoke on a number of occasions about the time crunch and the need for Hieronymous to prepare for his own hibernation while leaving time to attend to his new duties, including hosting Q&A sessions on Twitter.

“I told him to resume his duties full-time in the Spring and not to worry about it. But he wanted a more concrete solution to the problem,” she said.

Enter The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitters, GoUnderground, for whom Hieronymous is a spokesAnimal.

“He was facing a deadline in every sense of the word and I told him that whatever we could do to help, we would,” says Nafari Bongo, GoUnderground’s Director of Sales.

The solution they came up with was for Hieronymous to take a few days and dictate everything he wanted to say about hibernation this year. Then, they’d hire another Animal to send the info as tweets throughout the Winter.

“Hieronymous was thrilled with that solution. He kept saying, ‘Brilliant! Brilliant!’ And his enthusiasm was infectious. We all got into it and made suggestions about topics and questions that non-hibernators might have,” Bongo says.

The hibernation outfitter then discreetly placed an ad for a non-hibernator to take over the Twitter account for twelve weeks.

“We found the perfect tweeter and we’re almost ready to go live,” he says. But the identity of that tweeter will be kept under wraps until the Spring.

As for Hieronymous, we wish him a happy hibernation and we look forward to seeing him again on Groundhog Day.

“Under and out, as he might say,” laughs Bongo.

OTD in 2015—Trees of hearts line path as friends say “Au Revoir” to Park hibernators

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Tree of hearts

Trees of Hearts marked the road to hibernation for Park Animals yesterday

They say the road to hibernation is never smooth. But, yesterday, it was made a little brighter for Park Animals who will spend the Winter underground.

As Adelheid Whistlepig, the newly-elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), and other hibernators walked the path toward their burrows, they were greeted by a row of Maple Trees all decked out with paper hearts. Those hearts, fastened to the trees’ now bare branches, bore the well wishes of thousands of The Park’s non-hibernating citizens.

“I can’t begin to tell you what it meant to me,” said Kimbriella Marmot. “It’s a sad time of year for my family, even though we try to focus on renewal. I really appreciate the love and kindness demonstrated here.”

The Maple Tree Project, as it is now known, was initiated by Dewi Rhinoceros, a former Chief Archon who is now Chair of the Board of Directors of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony. All arrangements, including the signing of the hearts, were made at the Centre, Rhinoceros told The Mammalian Daily, and volunteers worked through the night to hang the hearts.

Malinda L. Hamster, president of The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), was visibly moved as she stopped to read the messages on each tree.

“Such a beautiful gesture,” she whispered.

That sentiment was echoed by hundreds of Park hibernators, many of whom posed for selfies in front of the trees.

Later, at a short ceremony, Ekeoma L. Girraaf, 2016 Keeper of the Nut, expressed his admiration for the hibernating community.

“I’m sure I’m not alone among non-hibernators when I say that I have the utmost respect and admiration for your community,” he said. “Hibernation is an act of faith that demonstrates the most profound belief in the future. May you be well for the next few months and emerge strong in the Spring.”

Then, in a spontaneous gesture, attendees showered Hieronymous Hedgehog with thunderous applause as he approached his burrow. The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador paused to wave, then continued his descent.

OTD in 2016—Election Office scrambles to meet today’s deadline to declare a winner

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ballot-boxThe Park Election Office (PEO) is scrambling to count all the votes cast in the November 7 election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) by midnight tonight in order to announce a winner before the hibernating community takes its leave for the Winter.

In an early morning interview on TMD Radio,  PEO head Gerritt Wezel said he and his team would “do anything” to avoid the situation that occurred three years ago, when the vote counting took so long that hibernation had to be postponed for weeks.

“That took its toll on the whole Park, emotionally, as well as physically,” he said.

Wezel also confirmed that he’d asked the members of the Maple Tree Project, who organize the Tree of Hearts sendoff for hibernators, to postpone the hanging of the hearts until late in the afternoon. According to Wezel, former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, who initiated the project, agreed to hold off until about five o’clock.

The election results will be broadcast across all Park media as soon as they are known.

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