Original Publication Date: 29 July 2013

Four days before the release of the 2014 budget, the Archons announced at a press conference that they have commissioned the construction of a public square to be used for hosting “protests, celebrations, and other events that involve the mass gathering of Park Animals.”

Before taking questions from the media this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta confirmed that the Archons had engaged the services of Simply Structures to construct the purpose-built square. Simply Structures is the same firm that was awarded the contract to build a network of signposts in The Park as part of the Archons’ official three-prong tourism strategy. Funding for the square will be made through a one-time payment from the Archons’ Initiative Fund, Alouatta said.

“The Archons view this as a necessary and useful addition to The Park and, as such, it constitutes part of the ongoing modernization scheme,” the press secretary said.

“All modern areas, whether they call themselves Parks, cities or towns, have a designated space for activities such as protests and mass gatherings. In the past, we have used the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond, the Wishing Well, and other such areas, but they have proven inadequate for these purposes. It is with a view to accommodating our growing population that the Archons have embarked on this newest phase of modernization,” he said.

Citizen reaction to the announcement was swift and, largely, negative.

“At the very least, I think, they’re exhibiting a kind of shepherd mentality,” said Jelani Kondoo, who attended the press conference as an observer. “It looks as if they want to herd us into one space so they can control us. They’re giving the Park Police the opportunity to have a lot of power over us, all the while telling us that they’re giving us more freedom and space to gather,” he said.

Others agree with Kondoo’s analysis and some Park groups have vowed to fight against not only the idea of the purpose-built square, but what they call the “irresponsible expenditure” of funds to build it.

“Here we are, facing the largest influx of refugees in The Park’s history, battling inadequate weather, food production problems, shrinking revenue streams, scandals, and problems of all sorts, and they want to use funds to build a square for protests. I think we’d all be better off if they spent more on the necessities of our lives and gave us less to protest about,” said Malinda L. Hamster, President of  The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community.

Original Publication Date: 12 November 2015

Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, has signalled its intent to move into the hibernation market.

In an announcement issued today, company president and CEO Balbina Ko confirmed that the successful fashion house will be expanding its reach in the coming year.

“We are excited to announce the birth of two new Holstein Fashion subsidiaries, ‘Nation and ‘Nator,” the announcement said.

The companies, though created at the same time, are not “identical twins,” according to Ko. And, while the announcement was coy regarding the actual future business activities of the two subsidiaries, retail insiders claim the expansion into the hibernation market has been in the works for some time.

“The hibernation market is a very lucrative one, and for the most part, it’s been underserved,” says Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

“I think it fits well with their business model, not to mention their commitment to The Park’s striped and spotted community. It’s taken a few years for Park businesses to realize the market’s potential and, in that sense, HF is a bit of a trail blazer here, but I expect to see more and more of our businesses targeting these consumers in the coming years,” he says.

As it stands, though, The Park’s hibernators will have to make do with our current crop of hibernation outfitters. And that suits them just fine.

“We look forward to meeting their needs,” says Nafari Bongo, Director of Sales for GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest and largest hibernation outfitter.

Original Publication Date: 19 July 2016

And the survey says: GoUnderground.

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) announced the results of its consumer survey today and the venerable hibernation outfitter has won the title of “most hospitable Park shop.”

At a short ceremony this morning, PASS president Wellington Whistlepig affixed a plaque to the shop’s façade as he congratulated Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, on the honour.

“We are so pleased that one of the Park’s oldest shops is also the best in customer service,” Whistlepig said.

For his part, Bongo was quick to credit his employees with making hibernation shopping an enjoyable experience.

“We have a great team here and we work hard to make our customers happy,” he said. “We are all committed to responding to the needs of modern hibernators and estivators and we are always on the lookout for the newest and best items to ease our customers’ burden.”

Bongo singled out Hieronymous Hedgehog for praise, as well. Last year, the Hedgehog became the shop’s spokesAnimal as well as The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador.

“Hieronymous has done a fabulous job, and not only for our customers. As the face of hibernation, he’s been able to educate non-hibernators and foster understanding among different species. We are truly lucky to have him working for us,” he said.

Original Publication Date: 8 July 2011

Beloved Park actress, Millicent Hayberry, is said to be “resting comfortably, though still in shock” after she was rushed to hospital after a violent encounter with what some have described as a “rabid” fan.

The incident occurred early this morning on the set of the film, “Mixed Nuts.” Observers told The Mammalian Daily that the actress, who is in The Park shooting the film adaptation of her successful stage play, was on a break outside her burrow when a Fox dashed across the set and bit her on the neck.  After the Fox was subdued by members of the film crew, emergency workers swept Hayberry up and rushed her to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Park Police have not yet released the name of the offender, who is being held at the police station until charges have been laid.  Those familiar with the Fox, however, say that this morning’s violent act is “completely out of character” for him.  One neighbour, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that she knew “for a fact” that the Fox was a great fan of the actress and that he would not, ordinarily, hurt her.

“Something must have gotten into him,” the neighbour said.

Meanwhile, sources at Park General say that, though the actress is doing well, she will be kept there under observation for a few days.

“We want to make sure that the bite is healing and that Hayberry is free of viruses before we release her,” said a spokesanimal for the hospital.

While questions remain regarding the extent of the injury and whether the actress will require reparative surgery before she can continue her work, her colleagues at the film set say they are confident that filming will resume within the next few days.

“Millicent is a trouper,” says director Donald Merriami.  “She’ll come back quickly — and be even stronger,” he said.

Original Publication Date: 10 July 2013

Enraged Park Animals are planning to protest formally against the latest move by the 2013 Archons to promote tourism in The Park.

The third prong of the so-called “three-prong tourism strategy” that was laid out by the 2012 Archons calls for a change in Animals’ behaviour “to make tourists feel as if they are a welcome and valuable addition to our lives.”

In order to effect this behavioural change, the newly-established Park Office of Tourism (POT) has published a brochure outlining the new strategy and calling for Animals to act as “a more polite and welcoming guide to The Park.”

The brochure, which was distributed last week to all retail shops, grooming houses, and restaurants will be made available to Park Animals at their homes, as well. In it, the POT explains the new strategy in detail and offers a reference table of phrases that “work well with non-resident Animals, including Humans.” The brochure also includes a section of illustrated Animal facial expressions and assigns them scores according to how close they come to being “the most favourable visage for a tourist to encounter.”

Not surprisingly, the new strategy and the brochure have ignited a firestorm. They’ve also prompted some Park residents to form an anti-tourism group that is calling itself “NoPARKing.”  The group’s president, Emmanuelle Musaraigne, has pledged that her group will not let the Archons get away with what she calls “the most ridiculous scheme ever.”

“This whole idea is outrageous, costly and damaging to our way of life,” she said in an interview this morning. “We have to put a stop to it now, before it takes over our lives.”

The original tourism plan, which was revealed to the public last June, was conceived by 2012 Chief Archon George Newt as a way of opening up a new revenue stream for The Park. The plan was met with skepticism initially and has continued to anger Park residents, even though many hoped it would benefit The Park both financially and culturally.

Related articles:

• • Archons’ plan to promote tourism draws criticism
  • Second prong of Archons’ tourism strategy: signage

Original Publication Date: 09 September 2015

Some of The Park’s charities are demanding a say in the distribution of funds raised by the Beats of Burden Musical Festival.

In an open letter published on Monday and addressed to the Beasts of Burden, the festival’s creators and hosts, the presidents of six of the Park’s charities call for a meeting with the Beasts and the festival’s financial managers to discuss fund allocation.

“We wish to congratulate you on the success of the Beats of Burden Musical Festival,” the letter begins. But it goes on to say that now that the festival is well-established and has become a big money-maker, the charities feel it’s time they had some input into how the money is spent.

The three-day-long festival, which is now in its third year, was conceived of by the Beasts as a way to aid The Park’s refugees. In addition to their performances at the festival, the musical group has donated two songs in support of that cause, and other Park musicians and artists have made similar donations. The festival also includes auctions and other events aimed at raising money for our ever-growing refugee community.

While the charities say they appreciate all the fundraising efforts, they believe they know best when it comes to funding allocation.

“Because we are at ground zero when it comes to working with The Park’s refugees, we feel our expertise is invaluable. And because this is a timely matter, we would very much like to offer our assistance at your earliest convenience,” the letter concludes. It is signed by the presidents of LynxLink, Runaway Rovers, Home to Roost, CatsCare, Rodents at Risk, and the Tortoise Immigrant Aid and Mentor Programme.

Although the Beasts of Burden have made no public statement since the letter was published, their manager Ignatius Herder confirmed the group has read it.

Original Publication Date: 17 July 2012

The CatsCare Foundation has put out an urgent call to Park citizens to assist in the re-homing of hundreds of formerly domestic Cats and Kittens.

CatsCare Community Fundraiser, Elwanda Lynx, issued the call early this morning, as the charity began to run low on supplies for the Cats.

“Some of these Cats have never lived on their own,” she said. “They need everything — food, water, building materials for homes. There are mothers who have new litters, who need a place to stay for the next few weeks. We’re saying to any Animal in The Park who has room for these Cats, or can donate some time or money, please do so,” she said.

Lynx said the Cats are some of thousands who have begun to flee their homes outside The Park.

“I think we’re seeing the beginning of a movement…or even a revolution,” Lynx said. “Many of these Cats were abducted when they were Kittens. They know almost nothing about Park life, but they’ve chosen to take the risk and leave their comfortable domestic situations for the chance to pursue real lives as Cats. It’s our duty to help them as much as we can.”

Not all the Cats are leaving voluntarily, however, and not all are escaping “comfortable” situations.

According to CatsCare Re-Homing Specialist, Lisandara Puma, many of the Cats making their way to The Park have come from abusive situations and some of them have even been abandoned.

“Some have been left just outside The Park’s fence, just left there to find a new life on their own. And many of them lack not only the means, but the skills to move forward without help. And what we’re seeing more and more of is Cats who are coming to us with the signs of [having suffered] physical abuse. Many of them have no claws on their front paws or they’ve had their tails removed. These Cats will require special care,” Puma said.

For more information or to volunteer or make a donation, please contact CatsCare at 228-72273.

Original Publication Date: 7 June 2014

Two years ago, economic figures released by the Park Finance Office confirmed definitively that The Park’s striped and spotted Animals were having a more difficult time finding full-time employment than those who had coats of solid or mixed colours. Now, after the release of the PFO’s latest report, it appears that little has changed.

The statistics, which are known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats,” are collected annually by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. They are used by the Finance Office and the governing Archons to aid them in assessing the Park’s social and economic progress. The reaction to today’s release was anger from a number of The Park’s citizen groups.

“This is an outrage,” said Aiofe Badger in a radio interview this morning. Badger, who is President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band is a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. His group is now calling for a full study of the situation, including a plan for its resolution.

“We knew things were bad, but we let ourselves believe we were making progress. Obviously, we were mistaken,” he said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, says she supports a full inquiry, but she also questions the accuracy of the figures.

“I actually think things are worse and, if I may say, worse even for the spotted than for the striped,” she says.

Former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, current Chair of the Board of Directors of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony, said she wasn’t surprised by the figures.

“Clearly, we haven’t done nearly enough,” she says. “‘Stereotype Sundays’ and the establishment of the Centre are only a beginning. We have to dig deeper to find the roots of this prejudice [against the striped and spotted] and figure out why it persists. That is our only hope,” she says.

See also:
Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study
“Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species
Centre for Interspecial Harmony opens

Original Publication Date: 1 July 2012

The Beasts of Burden will be singing a different tune come Autumn when the doors to their new pub open in The Park’s trendy east end.

The six-Animal band, whose hits include “Donkey Hot,” “Pack of Lies,” and “The Day the Oxen Rose,” has been little heard of since their sold-out performance here late in the Summer of 2006. But now, according to their manager, they’re ready to make a comeback.

“They took some time off…to rest, to care for their families,” says Ignatius Herder, who has managed the group since their first big hit in 1994. “But they’re ready, able and more than willing to get going again. They’re positively champing at the bit,” he says.

And the Beasts have ambitious plans: first, the opening of their pub, The Draft, in late September. Then, the release in January of a new collection of songs.

Will a tour follow?

“We’re going to wait and see,” says Herder. “They’ll be pretty busy with the pub for at least a few months.”