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Archives for September 2012

PIFF 2012: Festival frenzy grips Park

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The Park is in a party mood, as anticipation mounts on the eve of the opening of the 8th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

“It’s game on! We’re ready!” announced PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot at the final pre-opening press conference this afternoon. “This is going to be the biggest and best film festival The Park has ever seen,” she said.

Festival goers appear to agree. Tickets were snapped up earlier than in previous years, with new events such as Noon Nuttiness and PIFF Pockets attracting a younger crowd.

“It [PIFF] is no longer an adults-only event,” said Ocelot, who confirmed that twenty-five percent of tickets were sold to those under five years of age.

“They bought up Noon Nuttiness and also went for the PIFF Pocket Films. We didn’t expect that at all,” she said.

Meanwhile, adult film fans were busy primping and preening in anticipation of five days of screenings, celebrity sightings and top-secret social events.

“We haven’t had an opening in days,” said Amoltrud’s Aesthetics’ groomer Elspeth Rinder. “We have a waiting list the size of a Python,” she said.

The Park’s other grooming houses reported the same situation.

“We had to lock our doors and pretend we were closed,” said stylist Tano Pagun of The Pluming Room. “We were afraid that, otherwise, we’d see fur and feathers fly.”

The festival will open tomorrow night with “I Love a Man in a Collar”, the much-anticipated documentary about Thisbe and the Barkettes. All eyes will be on the front row, as film goers attempt to catch a glimpse of The Park’s most famous singing group, who have confirmed they will attend the documentary’s debut. The five members have not been seen together for a number of years.

Other highly anticipated events include the opening night gala at Clowder and the Cackle-ary hosted by GooseBook.

The Mammalian Daily plans to publish full details of events in the coming days.

Park’s “Share the Hair Shake for Charity” happens tomorrow!

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The sun is shining, the air is warm, and we have almost three months to go before Winter officially arrives. What better time to slough off that unwanted hair and go for a quick dip before the cold sets in?

The Park’s semi-annual Shake for Charity gives you the chance to do just that and benefit a great cause at the same time.

The event will take place tomorrow from 9:00 am until midnight at the Wishing Well and organizers expect a record crowd to attend.

“We had an unusually hot, dry summer and some of us have seen our coats grow to a length we never thought possible,” says Andras Yak, head of the organizing committee. “This is a great opportunity for Park Animals to share this unusual bounty with others.”

And this season’s event, the second of the calendar year, will include some added touches that Yak says he believes participants will enjoy.

“We are very proud to announce that there will be a team of grooming professionals on hand to assist participants after the Shake. If you’re looking for a new hairstyle or you just want to tame your mane, the talented groomers from Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, The Mane Event, and Tallulah’s Toilettage will be happy to help you, free of charge. It’s all in the spirit of giving,” Yak says.

As usual, volunteers from The Park’s various charities will be on hand to collect hair until midnight. Refreshments will be available, as well, courtesy of The Compost Heap, Florette’s Fine Edibles, and Clowder.

So — come one, come all! Get up and out and shake yourself silly for the benefit of others!

If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t!

Dear Noreen: My Humans look at other Dogs. What should I do?

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I live with the two Humans who adopted me a few years ago. Our life together is good, but one thing about their behaviour really bothers me. They can’t seem to stay away from other Dogs. Whenever we’re outside and they see another Dog, they make these embarrassing “ ooohing” and “aaahing” sounds. They’ve even been known to cross the street just to get a better look at another Dog! Are other Dogs a threat to my happy home? What should I do?-INSECURE

DEAR INSECURE: Ah, the joys of Human companionship! Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at it, but I wouldn’t want to live with one. But, cheer up! There is hope on the horizon.

While their behaviour is a mystery to other Animals, there is one thing that almost all of us agree on: loyalty is not a trait that we associate with the Human species.

So, it should come as no surprise that Humans might spend time looking at other Dogs — even going so far as to offer them food or affection — without any sense that this might be upsetting to their own Dog. This occurs indoors as well as on the street, I might add, and generally does nothing for the Human-Canine bond at home.

Still, what makes up for Humans’ lack of loyalty is a trait known colloquially as “generosity” and it is likely this trait that will save you from an unpleasant outcome in these circumstances. And that is because, should your Humans fall for another Dog, research shows they are 182 times more likely to add that Dog to your household than to replace you with this new one. So, rather than being a threat to your happiness, other Dogs may actually end up increasing it.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

Will Nestor’s pivotal water study result in a paradigm shift?

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Nestor’s work on the flow of water will be published in the February issue of the scientific journal Eureka.

Human manipulation, extra-hortulanial topology, weather, technology, and Animal magnetism: all these elements and more are responsible for the high degree of academic and public interest surrounding the results of Nestor P. Cat’s pivotal study of the flow of water.

The results of the study, which are to be published this February in the prestigious scientific journal, Eureka, come some four years after Nestor set out on his quest to understand the intricate twists and turns of water behaviour.

Sparked by his innate curiosity and funded by the independent scientific agency, The Four Ws (Winter, Water, Weather, and Wellbeing Experts), the crucial investigation has the potential of changing the way water patterns are thought about in The Park. This, in turn, may have the unprecedented effect of altering the way in which water is gathered and dispensed by Park agencies, including The Park’s weather office.

“There is definitely potential for a trickle-down scenario,” said a spokesAnimal for The Park’s weather office.

Early findings from the study, which were leaked last month to this newspaper, suggest that, in an adjunct study, Nestor, inadvertently, may also have tapped into a water source that was previously unknown to Park authorities.

Many Park scientists remain skeptical, however, not only about the study’s results, but about its methodology.

“Nestor’s scientific method is impeccable,” said University of West Terrier scientist and waterworks expert, Francis G. Beaver. “He is a devoted scientist and his study was arduous. Still, we believe that there are inherent problems in his methodology. At the risk of appearing specist, many of us in The Park’s scientific community believe that, because this was an observational study, it should have involved more than one species of Animal.”

Others are critical of the fact that Nestor chose to broaden the scope of the study by taking it outside The Park.

“While I commend him [Nestor] for refusing to limit his study to the behaviour of Park water (her emphasis), I believe that expanding the study into an arena in which the major actors are Humans adds a degree of vulnerability to his conclusions,” said Dr. Milada J. Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the UWT.

Despite the controversy, The Park’s scientific community says that it stands firmly in support of Nestor’s research.

“He is a meticulous scientist and an acute observer,” said Dr. Beaver.

This issue originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily.

Specist signs appear on Park fences

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Park Police today initiated a house-to-house search for the “pawpetrator” of one of The Park’s most heinous crimes: the posting of specist signs on the northwest side of the fence. The signs, which bear the message, “No Dogs Allowed,” were discovered early yesterday morning by Winifred D. Raccoon, as she made her way along the fence, en route to her job as manager of the popular Park restaurant, The Compost Heap.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed rumours that the signs were “paw-painted” and fastened “unprofessionally” to the fence. The signs have been sent to the forensics laboratory for pawprint testing and for other tests that might help identify the origin of the paint and poster board. Results of that testing will be made available within a few days, he said.

In another shocking revelation, Chief Inspector Addax confirmed that a second set of signs page1image18240had been discovered. These signs, which prominently display a Dog whose body has been marked with an “X,” were discovered on a series of posts a few feet from the original site. No lettering appears on these signs but, said C.I. Addax, “there is evidence that these signs were produced professionally, probably at one of a number of print shops that we know to exist outside The Park.”

Also fielding questions at the press conference was Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the newly-formed Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU). The unit, which is an independent division of the SHCU, has as its mandate the investigation into “all occurrences in which the suggestion of specist intent is present.”

Inspector Fossa implored the public to “remain calm and optimistic” in the face of this latest incident.

“We know that tensions are running high [in The Park] at the moment, but we encourage you to remain calm and optimistic that the pawpetrator of this crime will be apprehended and brought to justice in due course.”

In addition, she stressed that, “Nothing is to be gained by jumping to conclusions regarding the species or identity of the said pawpetrator.”

In his concluding remarks to the press, C.I. Addax announced that the SHCU had appointed Lamia Bonobo to act as official liaison between the police units and Park residents.

“We believe that the appointment of Mr. Bonobo will relieve some of the anxiety of the local populace and, at the same time, facilitate the free flow of information,” he said.

This article originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily.

PIFF introduces “Noon Nuttiness” to 2012 lineup

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The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) has come of age, organizers say, and so have Park citizens. So, it’s about time that comedy was properly represented at PIFF; hence, today’s announcement of an important addition to the 2012 festival lineup.

“We are overjoyed to be here to announce the Noon Nuttiness addition to the festival,” said PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot at a press conference held this morning at the Park Cinema.

“Noon Nuttiness” means that between the hours of 12:00 pm and 2:00 pm, PIFF screenings at the Park Cinema will be of comedies only.

“Five days in a row of funny should have every Animal cackling,” Ocelot said, slipping the name of the new addition’s sponsor into the announcement. And just to make sure the message was received, standing beside Ocelot was Lester C. Gander, President and C.E.O. of GooseBook, whose company rolled out the new “happy” social networking site cackle™ last month. Gander took to the microphone immediately afterwards to make an announcement of his own:

“I am happy to announce to you today that for the five days of PIFF, Noon Nuttiness patrons will be given cackle™-enabled devices so they can share their reviews of this year’s comedies with their friends,” he said.

Ocelot also announced the names of the two comedies that will open Noon Nuttiness. “Love Lies Drooling”  written and directed by Xanthippe Newfoundlander and “Big Red Bucket” produced by the antYloper film cooperative.

The 8th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival will take place October 1-5, 2012.

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