The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Look what’s coming up in October!

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The Park really heats up in the Autumn, with celebrations, migrations, and hibernation preparation. Mark your calendars so you don’t miss a thing! Here’s just a taste of what’s in store for October 2019.

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again! Time to screen some great films by Park Animals. PIFFPockets and Noon Nuttiness films are back, as are the parties, the after-parties, and the after-after parties! Not to mention the inevitable claw-biting before the awarding of the Golden Cougar. Again this year, the festival has paired with celebrity chef Tab Tricolore to bring you “PIFF Experience Packages,”, so you can pair the great food at his restaurants with the PIFF 2019 films!
October 1-5

Park Harvest Festival
Let’s celebrate! Our cultivators and growers have been working hard since the Spring, and now they share their bounty with us! With loads of great food to eat and lots of music and entertainment for all ages, it’s bound to be a memorable celebration.
October 11

Annual Snowbird Farewell
It’s always bittersweet to say goodbye to our migrating friends and wish them well on their journey. But let’s enjoy this one last party before takeoff! See you in the Spring, migrators!
October 19

 

Annual Account of the State of The Park
It all comes down to this: how are we getting along? Economically? Socially? What is the state of interspecial harmony? Are we there yet? We’ll know for sure on October 27.

POPS go the candidates:
This month, candidates will begin to pop up to vie for one of The Park’s few elected positions—Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. It’s your chance to prove you’re “fit to predict,” so go for it. November 5 is the last day to have your name officially entered as a candidate. Remember: Groundhog Day is only four months away!

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What’s coming up in November

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If you think things will be winding down in November, you couldn’t be more wrong! What with hibernation preparation, debates, and elections and selections for POPS and Keeper of the Nut—and more—November is one of the busiest months of the year. Mark your calendars now to make sure you don’t miss these important events!

POPS  All Candidates’ Debate
We missed it last year, but it’s back in full force this year! Come out and hear what all the candidates for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) have to say.
November 6

POPS Election
This is it, folks! Time to choose the Animal you think best able to predict on Groundhog Day. Polls open at 10:00 and close at 8:00. Exercise your franchise!
November 7

 

Keeper of the Nut Selection
Who will it be? Every year, The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) surprises us with their selection of Keeper of the Nut. The announcement will be made in the afternoon. Don’t forget to add your name to the congratulatory message at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.
November 11

Surrender of the Nut
The ceremony of the Surrender of the Nut touches our hearts as does no other. A recognition not only of the harmony of the species, but of the ephemeral nature of life itself, it is a true celebration of the great unknown. Ceremony begins at 10:30 at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Keeper of the Nut will swear the oath at 10:45.
November 14 (Half-day holiday in The Park)


Official Date of Hibernation
Time to say farewell to our hibernating friends! One again, the tree of hearts will mark the road to hibernation. We’ll miss you. Be well. See you in the Spring.
November 17

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Look what’s coming up in October!

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The Park really heats up in the Autumn, with celebrations, migrations, and hibernation preparation. Mark your calendars! Here’s a taste of what’s in store for October 2018.

All good things must come to an end. And so it is with TURACO, the third and final play in Gianfranco Colocolo’s mystery series starring Millicent Hayberry. Get your tickets while you can! This one might never come your way again. Last performance October 1.

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again! Time to screen some great films by Park Animals. PIFFPockets and Noon Nuttiness films are back, as are the parties, the after-parties, and the after-after parties! Not to mention the inevitable claw-biting before the awarding of the Golden Cougar. This year, the festival has paired with celebrity chef Tab Tricolore to bring you “PIFF Experience Packages,” too, so you can pair the great food at his restaurants with the PIFF 2018 films!
October 1-5

Park Harvest Festival
Let’s celebrate! Our cultivators and growers have been working hard since the Spring, and now they share their bounty with us! With loads of great food to eat and lots of music and entertainment for all ages, it’s bound to be a memorable celebration.
October 11

Annual Snowbird Farewell
It’s always bittersweet to say goodbye to our migrating friends and wish them well on their journey. But let’s enjoy this one last party before takeoff! See you in the Spring, migrators!
October 19

 

Annual Account of the State of The Park
It all comes down to this: how are we getting along? Economically? Socially? What is the state of interspecial harmony? Are we there yet? We’ll know for sure on October 27

 

On the docket:
One of the most anticipated trials in Park history: Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) et al. v the Archons et al. before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, Park Superior Court. The issue at hand: the line item in the 2019 Budget that allocates funds for “Government Affairs,” which includes compensation for Archons. CASP argues that neither the Archons nor the Park Finance Office have the right to include Archon compensation in the annual budget “because they have not been selected to do so.” Sortition will face the fight of its life and The Mammalian Daily’s Justice and Legal Affairs Reporter, Viona Adelaar, will be there to report on every word spoken. October 28

POPS go the candidates:
This month, candidates will begin to pop up to vie for one of The Park’s few elected positions—Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. It’s your chance to prove you’re “fit to predict,” so go for it. November 5 is the last day to have your name officially entered as a candidate. Remember: Groundhog Day is only four months away!

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Hire causes ire: Groundhog Day organizers take flack for Fleck + Stone

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jgroundhogdayThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has become the object of the public’s ire since announcing yesterday that it had hired the architectural firm of Fleck + Stone to design the 2017 prognostication pad.

According to Park Police, officials at the department began receiving hate mail and threats shortly after their morning press conference, during which they introduced the firm’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, and discussed the size and style of the new pad.

“Within hours, the department received an onslaught of written [hate] material, which they reported to us. We immediately deployed officers to the scene and an investigation of the material is underway at our forensic laboratory,” Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) told the press this morning.

Police believe the negative reaction is due to the perceived expense involved in hiring the high-end firm, which is known for designing buildings of cultural import such as the Burrow Theatre and The Park Museum.

Perhaps in anticipation of that, members of the press received a fact sheet yesterday that outlined the costs of the prognostication pad and other accoutrements deemed necessary for the popular annual event. According to those figures, the cost of this year’s pad will be only slightly higher than last year’s.

Still, optics matter, says Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja, whose last budget reduced the funds allotted to special events by two percent.

“If they’d asked me, I would have told them to hold off for a year or, at the very least, talk about the cost first. Animals who are struggling to make a living have a hard time understanding why we need a posh pad to celebrate Groundhog Day,” she said.

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Last Shakeoff of 2016 on today

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The Park's semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.

The  semi-annual Shakeoff runs until 8 p.m.

Come on down and share your hair!

That’s the message of organizers of the last Shakeoff of 2016, which begins at ten o’clock this morning.

The semi-annual “hair-raising” event is all about “Animals helping Animals” in the lead-up to Winter, organizing committee head Andras Yak says.

“Our goal is simple: We need to raise as much hair as we can to help those who cannot grow an adequate coat but who need to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

The last few years, Yak says, the two annual events have raised over five tonnes of hair for those in need.

“Our senior residents, in particular, were very grateful for the yield,” Yak says. “And we’re hoping to surpass that this year.”

Also making a return appearance are the on-site groomers, who are offering free, new hairstyles to participants. And, of course, there will be lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station, Florette’s Fine Edibles, Ants in Your Pantry, The Compost Heap, Clowder, and The Nut Bar.

So, remember:  “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”

The Shakeoff runs today from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park

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Fowl Ball fully hatched: organizer touts mature event for 2016

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Fowl Ball

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Fowl Ball is all grown up and ready to be the “main event”of The Park’s Spring social season.[pullquote]Birds like to think big and fly high.—Rafael Ortega, Chief Organizer of the Fowl Ball[/pullquote]

“We had some growing pains, there’s no doubt about that. But we’re happy to say we’re over them and we’re ready to move forward as a mature event,” Rafael Ortega said this morning.

As the sole guest on Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros show, the Ball’s chief organizer had the opportunity to expound on his goals for the charity affair and some of them seemed quite lofty. But Ortega had an answer for any doubters:

“Birds like to think big and fly high,” he said.

Ortega has achieved many of his goals thus far. In two short years, he has made the Fowl Ball one of the most anticipated events on The Park’s social calendar. And it has brought in more money than Ortega anticipated it would do in the course of five years.

Indeed, on its own, the Ball has funded the establishment of The Park’s first retirement residence for wounded and elderly members of the Avian community. The residence is set to open this Autumn, but Ortega says he won’t be spending the time between now and then “sitting pretty” or resting on his laurels.

“My goal is to make the Fowl Ball not just a signature event, but a Park institution,” he told Tavros.

Doubters: consider yourselves warned.

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016. Tickets are on sale now and are available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

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Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: The Official Schedule of Events

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The Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations are pleased to release the following Official Schedule of Events for the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month:

Date Event Location
6/1-30 It Could Happen To You: Tools of Domestication Exhibit and Recorded Presentation Park Museum
6/1-30 Domestication in the Piscine World: Interactive Exhibit University of West Terrier Underwater Campus
6/1-30 Collar and Tag Surrender and Exchange Footpad Heaven
6/2 Domestic Poetry Reading The Squeakeasy
6/ 6 "Super Goof" comic launch New Harmony Theatre
6/8 Experts Live Panel Discussion (participants to be announced) University of West Terrier
6/9 Squeakeasy in the Afternoon: Victims' Stories Noon-5  The Squeakeasy
6/ 9 Domestic Poetry Reading The Squeakeasy
6/10 The Psychological Effects of Domestication: Panel Discussion/Q & A Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm
6/12 Tab Tricolore hosts All You Can Eat Free The Tabby Club & The Broop 'n Miaow
6/13 Karaoke Night for The Domesticated Blues hosted by The Cynics The Pound Gastropub
6/15 Advice for the Formerly Domesticated: Medical Updates plus Q & A Extinction Anxiety Clinic
6/16 Domestic Poetry Reading The Squeakeasy
6/18 Dear Noreen: Is All Domestication Enforced? University of West Terrier
June 19-21 LeTwiggery Avian Event: Come in and get your coupon for a free Ready-to-Feather™ Nest! LeTwiggery
6/21 Concert of Celebration The Draft
06/22 Holstein Fashion for EQUALSS: 50% off Spring inventory; lots of free items; get your "I Love My Stripes and Spots" button; coupon for free 3-course meal at The Tabby Club Footpad Heaven
6/23  Domestic Poetry Reading The Squeakeasy
6/25-26 Victims' Stories (register at DWBS to tell your story) Ancient Open-Air Theatre
6/28 Time for Inspiration: Free tour of Imogen Aardeekhoorn’s burrow The Burrow Theatre
6/30 Concert for Charity (Purchase The Feral Four's new single TNR. All proceeds go to CatsCare)  Ancient Open-Air Theatre
6/30 Concert After-Party The PurrBoy Café@The Park Museum
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Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: Schedule of Events released

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Enforced Domestication 1The 2015 Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, have released the official schedule of events for Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.[pullquote]I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin.—Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo [/pullquote]

In a short speech this morning during which she declared the event open, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo seemed visibly moved as she spoke of her pride in the growth of the month-long event.

“This is only our third Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, yet we have seen such an increase not only in our awareness, but in our willingness to talk about this issue. I take great pride in my involvement and I want to say that I am proud and humbled by our formerly domesticated citizens, whose bravery in discussing the reality of their lives inspires me every day of every month.

I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin,” she said.

This year’s events have expanded in number and location to include several Park art galleries, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and most Park shops and grooming houses.

The official schedule of events will be posted at the law courts, the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and at all Park shops. The Mammalian Daily will also issue a pullout printed version, as well as posting the schedule online.

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Cynics to open Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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eatyourfoodBREAKING NEWS

It’s official: The Cynics (Philosopher Dogs) will open The Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee on Saturday, May 23.

In a brief announcement this morning, the band’s manager, Damien Skyle, confirmed what some have called an open secret: that the band plans to reignite its career, starting with the Jubilee.

The reignition plan that has been revealed so far includes the release this month of a new version of their wildly successful collection Take the A Frame, followed closely by the opening of one of The Park’s largest and most popular festivals.

“We thought it was an appropriate opportunity to mark our new beginning,” Skyle wrote in the announcement.

“As the Agrarian Jubilee signals the beginning of The Park’s growing season, so it is fitting that it should mark a new beginning for the band.”

The Cynics have performed very little over the past few years, save for a few concerts at The Pound, the gastropub of which they are part-owners. They have also been actively involved in Enforced Domestication Awareness and last year they donated the proceeds of their song Diamond in the Ruff to that cause.
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Fowl Ball organizers on second annual event: “We are all systems go!”

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Fowl Ball

This year’s Fowl Ball will be bigger and better than the first, organizers promise

The bands have been booked, the food’s been arranged, and the items that will appear on the auction block are awe-inspiring.

“We are all systems go!,” says Rafael Ortega, the event’s chief organizer.

With a year’s experience under his beak and already having dealt with a difficult situation (last year’s grooming house stampede), Ortega says he’s ready for anything but “expecting nothing out of the ordinary” this year.

“This year will make last year look like it was a rehearsal,” he says, as he struts around his office.

Claiming that he has “assurances” from The Park’s grooming houses that they’re prepared for the onslaught of pre-Ball customers, he says he can relax for a week or two before gearing up again in May.

“There is no chance that we will see a repeat of last year’s tragedy,” he states firmly. “We had no idea how successful the event would be in its inaugural year, nor how hungry Park Animals were for a more formal post-Winter celebration.”

Indeed, he believes, this year’s attendance should be even higher, given the difficult Winter The Park experienced this year.

“We’re looking forward to higher numbers, more fun, and even more funding for the cause of Avian aid,” he says.

The Park’s second annual Fowl Ball will take place on Sunday, May 31, 2015. Tickets go on sale April 15 and will be available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

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