The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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Archives for November 2013

POPS fans, we have a winner (finally)!

By

Solange Marmotte


The PEO announced today that Solange Graciela Marmotte, seen here last year at the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, has been elected 2014 POPS.

The Park’s hibernating community will breathe a collective sigh of relief today.

Less than a full day before this year’s new official date of hibernation, the Park Election Office finally has been able to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election.

PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged but well-attended press conference.

“The Animal who will fulfill the rôle of 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring is Solange Graciela Marmotte,” he said.

Reading from a prepared statement, Wezel thanked Park citizens for their patience and commended his staff and all the volunteers who joined the recount effort.

“Without your help, I would still be counting votes and Park citizens would have lost all confidence in this process,” he said.

As it is, many Park citizens have expressed their disillusionment with the POPS selection process after this year’s fiasco. Nevertheless, many seem willing to let bygones be bygones and to move forward with their plans for hibernation.

“This is definitely something we will have to revisit come Spring,” said Killeen Echidna, president of The Monotreme Alliance. Echidna spoke on Toro Talk Radio as part of a discussion forum on the subject after the election announcement was made.

“In the meantime, we’re grateful to have had a bit more time to prepare for hibernation. Now, we’ll all be glad to go under and Solange [Marmotte] has our full confidence. She will do a great job as POPS in February,” she said.

Archons bow to pressure: hibernation to begin December 1

By

December 1


Bowing to pressure from all sides, the Archons have declared December 1 to be the official date of hibernation

[pullquote]”With or without a final tally of votes and an undisputed winner of the 2014 POPS election, the Archons of The Park have declared the official date of hibernation in this year of 2013 to be 1 December.”[/pullquote]Under pressure from all sides to make a final decision about the official date of hibernation, the Archons have declared that hibernation in 2013 is to begin on December 1. An announcement to that effect, signed by all 35 Archons and bearing the seal of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, was posted outside the law courts early this morning.

“With or without a final tally of votes and an undisputed winner of the 2014 POPS election, the Archons of The Park have declared the official date of hibernation in this year of 2013 to be 1 December,” the announcement reads in part.

The decision has been hailed by both interested parties and observers, many of whom have been quick to weigh in.

“It’s a welcome decision. It’s timely and, in my opinion, it’s the best decision they could make at this point,” said Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. Zebu, who spoke on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, is one of the authors of a report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens. He believes that any further delay in hibernation will put the health of Animals at risk.

Zebu’s opinion was echoed by many in The Park’s hibernating community, including Cormac Nuttallii, a member of the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP) and Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels.

Nuttallii, who was a vocal critic of calendar harmonization, still believes the change in calendar accounted for a significant rise in the number of deaths due to premature awakening in his community. He says he fears for his family and friends this Winter and has, therefore, initiated a petition to have the Archons extend the official end of hibernation beyond February 19. Copies of his petition can be signed at the law courts, the Ancient Open-Air Theatre and at select retail outlets around The Park, including the Nut Bar, LeTwiggery, Footpad Heaven, and hibernation outfitters GoUnderground.

For their part, the Archons released a separate statement early this afternoon, emphasizing that their decision was taken based on consultations with many experts in the field of health and hibernation.

“We want to assure all Park citizens that our decision to delay hibernation until December 1 was made with the health and welfare of all in mind and that we would never do anything to put our hibernating community at risk,” the statement said.

Police close in on abductors of Marmot wrestling team

By

Marmot Wrestling Team logo


The logo above is that of the Marmot wrestling team. Park Police say they are closer to discovering whereabouts of the team, which went missing during the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games

Park Police say they are closing in on the abductors of the Marmot wrestling team, which went missing during the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games.

No member of the team has been seen since September 26. Police were called to investigate when the team failed to show up on September 27 for the wrestling competition, which they were favoured to win. At that time, Police reported they had found evidence of a struggle and possible abduction. They later confirmed they had elevated the investigation to that of an abduction after a review of the evidence. That evidence included a trail of hair that led outside The Park and a small pile of shavings that they believe came from a wooden box.

In a short statement released this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) said her officers believe they have located the hiding place outside The Park that was chosen by the team’s abductors.

The IIU, which is an independent division of the Police force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), joined the investigation in mid-October, when the SHCU determined definitively that the abduction was an interspecial crime. The IIU’s mandate is to investigate “all occurrences in which the suggestion of specist intent is present.”

No motive for the crime has been determined as yet, a spokesAnimal for SHCU Chief Inspector Maurice Addax told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our concern at the moment is for the team,” the spokesAnimal said. “We will be able to determine more about the motive after we have the abductors in custody and the team members are safe and back in their homes.”

Concern for the well-being of the team grows every day, the spokesAnimal said, since they should already have gone into hibernation.

“Every day that they are away and, presumably, conscious, the risk to them grows greater. That is why we are hoping for a positive outcome very soon,” he said.

Our shortest-lived citizens pose the question: “What would YOU do with a minute?”

By

The Park's shortest-lived citizens are participating in a one-day event called, "How Long Is A Minute?" to raise awareness of the injustices that are faced by their kind


The Park’s shortest-lived citizens are participating in a one-day event called, “What Would You Do With A Minute?” to raise awareness of the injustices that are faced by their kind

In an effort to raise awareness of their kind and to shed some light on their continuing struggle for equal treatment, The Park’s shortest-lived citizens will host a series of one-day events beginning next month that will pose the important question, “”What Would You Do With A Minute?”

“All over The Park, we hear Animals bemoaning their busy lives, saying they don’t have time to do the important things anymore…that they don’t have a minute to themselves,” says event coordinator Consuelo Abeja.

“We thought it might be fun to offer them a little perspective, to show them what we can do with a minute since, for many of us, our lives are made up of very few of them,” she says.

While that may seem a bit hyperbolic, Abeja is quick to point out that some of her best friends have had lifespans of less than a week.

“And, yet, they managed to accomplish all they needed to,” she declares, with a glint in her eye and just a touch of nostalgia in her voice.

Next month’s inaugural event will highlight the short but productive lives of The Park’s Opossums, Rabbits, Mice, and Chameleons. Abeja says she hopes that other Park species will bring an open mind to the event and that they will be ready to rethink their ideas about their fellow citizens.

“Our lives will be on display here, in a way that they never have been before. And our hope is that other Animals will stop to look and listen and, maybe, contemplate…without comparison or judgement,” says Abeja.

The event will take place at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre on December 15, from 10:00 until sundown.

“There will be a little bit of everything at the event. Food, art, music, even a bit of sport,” says Abeja. “But our main goal is to raise awareness of our abilities and our commitment to work. We don’t believe we should be judged by the length of our lives so much as by what we are able to accomplish within that timespan. We want you to know, if you’re hiring, we can do the job. We hope this event will be the beginning of a new relationship between us and our longer-lived compatriots,” she says.

Insect Intelligencer rebrands itself as “authoritative” daily

By

Serangga


The Serangga Star Adviser (formerly The Insect Intelligencer) hit the newsstands yesterday. The rebranded daily will focus on political and social issues and use its “Fly on the Wall” feature to highlight injustice in The Park.

Five months after shutting down and cleaning house, The Insect Intelligencer hit the newsstands again yesterday, but as a very different daily.

Rebranding itself as “The Park’s Most Authoritative Newspaper,” the Intelligencer has a new name, a new Editor-in-Chief and a completely new focus.

“We are going to do our best to make you forget all about the Intelligencer,” said Editor-in-Chief Priscilla Weevil at a press conference this afternoon.

Weevil, who took over after management ousted Fannia di Volo, has worked hard on the rebranding effort and insiders say she influenced everything from the hiring of new reporters to the journal’s new name.

And that name, contends Weevil, says it all.

The Serangga Star Adviser is the paper’s name, as of November 1. And, since it isn’t immediately obvious that it is an Insect newspaper, Weevil is more than prepared to deal with the inevitable questions about the decision.

“The word ‘Serangga’ means ‘Insect’ but not every Animal knows that,” says Weevil.

“We thought it was important to select a name that was Insect-inclusive, but we also wanted to illustrate our commitment to every species in The Park. We want to be the newspaper that all Animals go to for reliable information; we want every species to be able to count on our reporters for the facts and, even more than reporting the news, we want to uncover injustice in The Park and to highlight wrongs that need to be righted,” she says.

The paper’s new mission is a far cry from that of the Intelligencer, whose run came to an abrupt end last June after it printed a front page story announcing that Humans had become an extinct species.

“We try not to look back, but to look forward,” Weevil says. And of all the ambitious plans she listed for the paper she now runs, perhaps the most forward-looking is her re-make of the Intelligencer’s infamous Fly on the Wall feature.

That feature, which began as a mixture of out-of-Park news, gossip, and speculation rapidly spiralled downward as it attempted to feed its readership’s ever-increasing appetite for blood and dirt. Weevil says she intends to use it now, though, “to highlight injustice in The Park and to bring about change, even if it means having to shame those who are causing the injustice.”

To some readers, the changes in the paper may not seem so drastic, after all.

Election Office recruits volunteers to expedite POPS recount

By

Gorilla with abacus

The Park Election Office has put out a call for volunteers to expedite the recount of votes from the 2014 POPS election

The Park Election Office has sent out an urgent call for volunteers to aid in the tallying of votes cast in the 2014 POPS election, which was held on November 7.

A public service announcement recruiting volunteers was read on all Park radio and television stations this morning and a written notice appeared in the morning editions of all Park newspapers. In addition, PEO head Gerritt Wezel appeared on several television shows, both news and talk, to encourage Animals to come to the PEO’s aid.

“We are asking Park citizens to give up an hour or two of their time to come to the aid of zoocracy,” said Wezel on PBCTV (Park Broadcasting Corporation Television) this morning.

“It is precisely because of the success of zoocracy that we have found ourselves in this situation. As more and more Park Animals become active participants in the zoocratic process, we find ourselves requiring more and more Animalpower to cope.”

Wezel also sought to dispel the myth that the problems associated with this year’s election count were some indication of a problem with the political process.

“This [problem of counting the votes] is not a bad thing at all. It is, in fact, a measure of the success of Animal self-rule. This year, we had a 500 per cent increase in the number of candidates and a corresponding increase in the number of Animals who voted. By any measure, I would call that success,” he said.

Archons delay hibernation as 2014 POPS remains undeclared

By

Breaking_NewsIn an unprecedented move, the 2013 Archons have voted to delay the official date of hibernation until a winner in the 2014 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) election can be declared.

Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, announced the unanimous decision at a press conference this afternoon.

“Due to the exceptional circumstances in which we find ourselves this year, the 2013 Archons, under the leadership of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, have made the decision to delay the official date of hibernation until such time as we are able to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election.

This was a difficult decision to make, but the Archons believed that it was the only way to respond with fairness to the needs of The Park’s hibernating community. They felt strongly that we could not expect these citizens to go into hibernation without knowing the results of this important election. The Archons, therefore, have decided that hibernation will occur one day after the winner of the POPS election is declared,” Alouatta said.

The press conference was attended by Chief Archon Rhinoceros and six of the 34 remaining Archons: Oonagh Albertina Hellbender, Grosvenor Tortoise, Ottmar Limpkin, Françoise Hélène Coccinelle, Hagen Roeland Roadrunner, and Paulette Woodpecker. Gerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office also attended. The group did not entertain questions.

After the statement was read, a one-page press release was distributed. The release assured Park citizens that the decision “was not taken lightly, but was made in consultation with a number of medical experts from the University of West Terrier, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.” The Archons also sought a number of legal opinions before making their decision, the press release said.

“Hibernation Nation” enjoys its half-day in the sun

By

Giuliana Lontra

Giuliana Imelda Lontra clutches the symbolic nut that was surrendered to her for safekeeping by Malinda L. Hamster, president of The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) during this morning’s Surrender of the Nut ceremony. Lontra was elected Keeper of the Nut on November 11.

The sun shone brightly this morning as Malinda L. Hamster, president of The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), surrendered the symbolic nut to 2014 Keeper of the Nut, Giuliana Imelda Lontra.[pullquote]“Historically, the Surrender of the Nut was a solemn occasion. It was a recognition of the trust that Animals place in each other for their very survival and the Keeper of the Nut is a symbol of that. It has always been a very powerful moment for us.” Beatrice Zilonis, Professor of History, University of West Terrier[/pullquote]”On this solemn occasion, I entrust this nut to you and entreat you to guard it and to keep it safe until such time as the hibernating community requests its return,” the Hamster said as she offered the nut to Lontra.

Lontra clutched the nut, and spoke the traditional oath of the Keeper of the Nut:

“I swear to keep this nut from harm and to preserve it intact until such time as the hibernating community requests its return. And I do so with respect for all Park citizens.”

With that, the solemn portion of the day was done, and the crowd began to enjoy its half-day holiday.

While attendees partook of the vast array of goodies supplied by The Compost Heap, Provisions by Petrounel, Ants in Your Pantry and Florette’s Fine Edibles, talk turned to memories of past Surrenders and to the evolution of the occasion.

“Historically, the Surrender of the Nut was a solemn occasion. It was a recognition of the trust that Animals place in each other for their very survival and the Keeper of the Nut is a symbol of that. It has always been a very powerful moment for us,” said Beatrice Zilonis, Professor of History at the University of West Terrier.

Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces agreed.

“The Return of the Nut is also very powerful… the idea that it is returned unharmed and intact, no matter what the Winter was like, that no harm has come to it, even if there was a shortage of food, it wasn’t eaten. I find that very moving. The nut is sacred and so few things are anymore. To me, there is also so much symbolism in both occasions being half-day holidays. The two parts come together to make a whole. The symbolism in that is amazing,” he said.

As hibernation date draws near, pressure mounts on Park Election Office to declare POPS winner

By

Official hibernation date, November 17

Pressure is mounting on the Park Election Office to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election before the official date of hibernation.

“No one envies me right now,” says Gerritt Wezel, as he scoots off to work well before dawn today. The head of the Park Election Office is feeling the heat, so to speak, even in the face of temperatures that are below the freezing mark.

This is the fourth day that Wezel has had to face the press outside his den and the fifth day since the election was held. Still, he has no results to relay and he says he has given up on making promises.

“It is what it is and it will be what it will be,” he says, almost shyly, as he makes his way to the scene of counting, sorting, and re-counting the hundreds of thousands of votes that were cast last Thursday.

As the official hibernation date of November 17 draws ever closer, pressure is mounting on the Park Election Office and its head to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election. But Wezel says that cannot be done in a hurry.

“Animals want to be secure in the knowledge that the winner we declare is the actual winner…the Animal who won the most votes,” he said in a radio interview over the weekend.

“And with the Animalpower we have, that is going to take time. But I can assure you that when we do announce the winner, it will be after a meticulous count and re-count and there will be no question as to the accuracy [of the count] and who the winner really is,” he said.

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