The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for August 2014

Data from Long Gone Registry reveal cracks in Park’s refugee aid system

By

Refugee leaving

Data suggest that Park refugees are not receiving effective aid

Statistics compiled for The Park’s Long Gone Registry reveal that close to a fifth of the refugees who seek a better life in The Park leave within five years of their arrival.[pullquote]These numbers show a lack of integration in the refugee aid system. – Angus Deerhound, Runaway Rovers[/pullquote]

The Registry, which was established to provide accurate population and participation records, began to collect data in the Spring of 2013 from The Park’s educational institutions, the Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, private physicians, and refugee aid organizations.

Much of the data collected relate to the movement (both in and out of The Park) of refugee Animals and, according to those who work in The Park’s immigrant aid groups, the data indicate a number of troubling trends.

“To begin with, these numbers show a lack of integration in the refugee aid system,” says Angus Deerhound, media relations representative for Runaway Rovers.

“We only know about their arrival if they seek help from one of our aid groups and it’s obvious that we aren’t keeping track of those we do manage to help. If they don’t show up again [at our offices]…unless we’ve found them housing…we don’t know if they’re still with us or have left. That’s not help. It’s temporary relief,” he said.

Talia Katsikas, founder and director of the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company agrees.

“To be honest, this is not news. We’ve known about this forever. And part of the problem lies in the full freedom that we grant all Animals who enter The Park. Most of us would find it offensive if we required Animals to report their comings and goings. So, we have to find a better way to encourage that voluntarily. And, so far, we haven’t put much thought into it,” she says.

The Long Gone Registry falls under the jurisdiction of the Department of Statistics and Records. At the time of this article’s publication, no response to The Mammalian Daily’s request for comment has been received from the department.

Follow Noreen wherever she goes!

By

Official Noreen

Noreen is on the move!

The longtime Mammalian Daily advice columnist and Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier will take to the road this Autumn to promote her book as well as the causes she’s passionate about.

Don’t miss a moment of her journey!

Follow her on Twitter at twitter.com/talkswithnoreen and join our email list at lovelytolookatbook@trojanhorsepress.net for updates on her book. And keep your eyes open for contests, draws, auctions and more.

The more things change, the more Humans stay the same: Noreen

By

Noreen

“Humans are unable to incorporate lessons from previous generations.” – Noreen

The more things change, the more Humans stay the same.

[pullquote]While Human tenacity is admirable, in the end we had to conclude that it is a barrier to necessary change. — Noreen [/pullquote]

So concludes Noreen in her second academic article due to be published in the November issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

In the article, which is entitled, How Dubious Wisdom Leads to Human Folly, the Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and Mammalian Daily advice columnist shares new insights into “what makes the Human world go around.”

“Around is the key word here, my research showed me,” says Noreen.

“After spending the better part of two years studying Human history, I had to conclude that their [Humans’] tendency to end up where they started is the fault of their inability to learn from their predecessors. They cannot seem to incorporate lessons from previous generations,” she says.

“They are a tenacious species and there is much to be admired in that. But they appear to be true catalysts. They change the world, but they remain unchanged. And, as we have seen, that can lead to long-term problems for all species.”

Noreen said she found the research very difficult to do, “because there were so many places along the way that cried out for a change of course, but that change of course was never taken.”

 

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverBuy Noreen’s book, Lovely to Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans here.

Doves of Peace to host recruitment event last weekend in August

By

Doves of Peace

Get your résumés ready! The Doves of Peace are hiring.

Get your résumés ready!

The Doves of Peace will be hosting a two-day recruitment event during the last weekend in August.

In a “beaks-up” communication released today, spokesBird Georgina Golub confirmed the rumour that for the first time in six years the Doves are hiring.

“Recent events in The Park, including the grooming house stampede of May 31, have driven home the need for us to widen our scope in terms of the number and types of events we attend. And, in order to do that, we must increase our numbers,” she said.

The Doves, who are a fully autonomous sub-group of Park Police, traditionally have been sent to attend all Park celebrations and days of significance. After consultations with regular Park Police, the Archons, and the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the Doves decided it was time to expand their list of duties.

“We do not produce peace nor do we restore it,” Golub said in an interview on Chitter Radio.

“But we do encourage it and our presence at events does help to promote a sense of calm. We can’t underestimate the need for that these days and whatever we can do, we wish to do,” she said.

Golub said details of the recruiting event, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will be released next week.

Jargonhead “raps up” tour, signs on to headline Beats of Burden Music Festival

By

Jargonhead

Jargonhead to co-host and headline 2014 Beats of Burden

Legendary Park singer Jargonhead confirmed today that he has “rapped up” his Ducks in a Row tour and is on his way home to The Park to prepare for a co-hosting and headlining gig at the second annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“He is primed and ready,” the rapper’s manager Jukka Ankka told The Mammalian Daily.

Jargonhead, who signed on last year to perform at the inaugural event, is said to be a “huge fan” of the music festival.

“The concept suits him to a T,” says Ankka. “He’s all about helping the disadvantaged and pointing out the hypocrisy in our world.”

The Beasts of Burden, who founded the annual music festival last year to aid The Park’s refugees, released a statement of gratitude this morning.

“We extended the offer [of co-hosting] and were hoping for the best, but we were overwhelmed by his enthusiasm. We are very grateful to Jargonhead,” the statement said.

 

Beats of Burden logoThe Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place in The Park 12-14 September 2014.

Aardeekhoorn willed burrow to Park Repertory Theatre: rumour

By

Last will and testament document

Gossip site headsNtales reports that playwright Aardeekhoorn willed her burrow to the Park Repertory Theatre

Gossip site headsNtales is reporting that the late playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn willed her burrow to the Park Repertory Theatre not long before her death.

In an online editorial piece, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo praises Aardeekhoorn for her commitment to Park theatre and to the “ongoing drama that takes place in The Park every day.”

Guacamayo, who claims to have a reliable source at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, also writes in her editorial that the will has had its first reading and will be made available to the public within the next few weeks.

The law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg declined to comment on the piece. Aardeekhoorn’s family could not be reached for comment, but actress Millicent Hayberry, who played Aardkeehoorn in the stage and film versions of “Mixed Nuts” says it “fits perfectly” with Aardeekhoorn’s personality.

“She was a very generous Animal and it [willing the burrow to the theatre] fits perfectly with that generosity,” she said.

Founding Families establishes fund in memory of Imogen Aardeekhoorn

By

Founding Families Financial Corporation

FFFC has established a fund in memory of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn

The Founding Families Financial Corporation (FFFC) announced last night that it has established a fund in memory of beloved Park playwright, Imogen Aardeekhoorn. Aardeekhoorn died last month at her burrow.

In a press release dated August 1, the date of Aardeekhoorn’s memorial, Chief Financial Officer Karita Isbjørn said that in keeping with the corporation’s longtime support of the arts, the fund was established to assist emerging Park playwrights “whose truths may well sustain us through the ages.”

According to the press release, the fund will receive an initial one-time lump sum payment from the FFFC. Every year thereafter, the FFFC will match donations from Park residents and businesses. There is no established limit on the matching donations.

Founding Families also confirmed that it intends to hire a full-time, independent fund administrator who will, in turn, institute a “rotating council of artists and citizens” whose job it will be to choose the yearly beneficiaries.

The fund’s official date of establishment will be January 1, 2015. The first beneficiaries will be chosen in 2016.

The Park’s largest financial institution, Founding Families Financial Corporation was established by a number of The Park’s original families, including Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels, Arachnids, Hedgehogs, Beavers, Wasps, Polar Bears, Cattle and Bees, among others. It has a long history of supporting the arts and has been a regular contributor to the annual Part Art Walk (PAW).

Architects Fleck + Stone announce change to Park Museum design

By

Park MuseumJust months before its much-anticipated opening, the architects of the Park Museum have announced a major change to the institution’s design.

In a press release issued today, chief architect Vadim Kobras confirmed that after extensive consultations with the Museum’s Board of Governors, alterations were made to the original plans to allow for space for a small art gallery. The gallery will be attached to the small building that will house the library’s collection of books, manuscripts, and musical scores.

“We would like to thank the Board of Governors for their patience and support in allowing us time to design an appropriate space in which to showcase the art of The Park,” Kobras’s statement said.

A spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors confirmed that the museum will soon be seeking a full-time curator for the small gallery. In the meantime, the spokesAnimal said, members of the museum’s board will be touring The Park’s galleries, as well as the 2014 Park Art Walk  (PAW) in search of items for the opening exhibit.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

August 2014
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031