Archives for May 2019

New PFO figures show few changes for striped and spotted Animals

Original Publication Date: 7 June 2014

Two years ago, economic figures released by the Park Finance Office confirmed definitively that The Park’s striped and spotted Animals were having a more difficult time finding full-time employment than those who had coats of solid or mixed colours. Now, after the release of the PFO’s latest report, it appears that little has changed.

The statistics, which are known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats,” are collected annually by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. They are used by the Finance Office and the governing Archons to aid them in assessing the Park’s social and economic progress. The reaction to today’s release was anger from a number of The Park’s citizen groups.

“This is an outrage,” said Aiofe Badger in a radio interview this morning. Badger, who is President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band is a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. His group is now calling for a full study of the situation, including a plan for its resolution.

“We knew things were bad, but we let ourselves believe we were making progress. Obviously, we were mistaken,” he said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, says she supports a full inquiry, but she also questions the accuracy of the figures.

“I actually think things are worse and, if I may say, worse even for the spotted than for the striped,” she says.

Former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, current Chair of the Board of Directors of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony, said she wasn’t surprised by the figures.

“Clearly, we haven’t done nearly enough,” she says. “‘Stereotype Sundays’ and the establishment of the Centre are only a beginning. We have to dig deeper to find the roots of this prejudice [against the striped and spotted] and figure out why it persists. That is our only hope,” she says.

See also:
Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study
“Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species
Centre for Interspecial Harmony opens

The Draft will open in Autumn

Original Publication Date: 1 July 2012

The Beasts of Burden will be singing a different tune come Autumn when the doors to their new pub open in The Park’s trendy east end.

The six-Animal band, whose hits include “Donkey Hot,” “Pack of Lies,” and “The Day the Oxen Rose,” has been little heard of since their sold-out performance here late in the Summer of 2006. But now, according to their manager, they’re ready to make a comeback.

“They took some time off…to rest, to care for their families,” says Ignatius Herder, who has managed the group since their first big hit in 1994. “But they’re ready, able and more than willing to get going again. They’re positively champing at the bit,” he says.

And the Beasts have ambitious plans: first, the opening of their pub, The Draft, in late September. Then, the release in January of a new collection of songs.

Will a tour follow?

“We’re going to wait and see,” says Herder. “They’ll be pretty busy with the pub for at least a few months.”

Original Publication Date: 18 April 2016

In a landmark decision handed down this morning, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court kept alive the vision of The Park’s founder and reaffirmed the right of every Animal to remain stupid.

The decision, which will be posted in full outside the Court House tomorrow, came after a deliberation of more than five months. The decision was in response to an action brought by a collective that included the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), the heads of admission of all The Park’s educational institutions, professionals from the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, and one hundred Animals known as the “concerned conglomerate.”

In their action, the collective argued that increasing apathy among the citizenry and the lack of formal education undermine the survival and prosperity of The Park. They asked the court to supersede the Archons and enact a law requiring all Park citizens to attend school.

The collective’s argument before the court in October was kept a secret from all except those directly involved in the proceedings. That decision was made to prevent the collective from initiating an awareness campaign they believed might sway the court’s decision.

During the deliberation period, Justice Dindon accepted submissions from The Department of Well-Being and Safety, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and from medical and psychological experts on both sides of the argument. In addition, he called on Park historians to, as he said, “help me understand the founding vision of The Park.”

In the opening paragraph of the decision, Justice Dindon said he relied heavily on these words of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy: “We cannot force our views upon the citizenry; we can only inspire them to look beyond themselves and aid them in their search for a just and better life for all.”

A Mammalian Daily investigation has revealed that some of the “modernization” ideas presented to the 2013 Archons include a new immigration policy that would favour Animals who have shorter lifespans.

Original Publication Date: 22 May 2013

An investigation conducted by The Mammalian Daily has revealed that proposed changes to The Park’s open immigration policy include a plan to favour shorter-lived species for citizenship.

The ideas for a new immigration policy form part of the “modernization initiative” that the 2013 Archons committed themselves to upon assuming office on January 16, 2013.

According to Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the Archons used the term “modernization” 67 times in their Groundhog Day address.

“The only word that was used more often was ‘economy’ and the phrases ‘economic crisis’ and ‘economic distress’ were, together, used 294 times in a speech that lasted for less than twenty minutes. I think we can assume from this that changes in policy [this year] will be economically-driven,” she said.

Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, agrees.

“There is no doubt in my mind that such a drastic change to the immigration policy would have its foundation in the desire to save money. But I think, if that is the case, that it’s a short-sighted and backward-looking policy and I say that fully aware of the possibility that my community might benefit from such a change,” he said.

If, in fact, the idea for the policy change were economically-driven, it is generally assumed the reason would be the Archons’ desire to cap the amount of money The Park spends on each immigrant Animal in terms of readjustment counselling, health care, establishing a home, job training, etc. But, says Grouse, the short-sightedness of that is “glaringly obvious.”

“The longer an Animal lives in The Park, the longer she or he has to contribute in a myriad of ways to our life here. It is plainly stupid to favour a short-lived population over a balanced mix of species for any reason at all,” he said.

Still, says historian and author Pieter Paard, there are historical precedents for this kind of action, “all of which prove it is a terrible move to make and something that will have a negative effect on a society such as ours for a long time.”

As for the 35 Archons with whom these policy decisions rest, they remain silent on the subject. According to their press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta, the Archons are “looking at all ideas and will make announcements regarding any decisions in the coming months.”