The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for August 2023

On This Day—August 5, 2015: UWT to investigate allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans

By

UWT COATBREAKING NEWS

The University of West Terrier announced today that it has initiated an investigation into allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans.

The announcement came in a statement signed by the President and Governors of the University and posted on the university’s web site.

According to the statement, the allegations under investigation stem from research conducted by the Department of Human Studies. No researchers or areas of research are named and the statement emphasizes the broad nature of the investigation:

The university wishes to emphasize that this is an investigation into alleged misconduct and that no particular member of our faculty or student body is under investigation at this juncture.

The investigating team consists of several UWT faculty members who serve the university independently of the Department of Human Studies. These include Dr. Chloris Cougar, Dr. Fionnula L. Fox, Dr. Hume T. Goat, Dr. Luule Aednik, and Dr. Simone Gibbon. Other team members are Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit, and Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. Dr. Milada J. page4image31040Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the University of West Terrier and a senior member of the Committee to Oversee Scientific Research in The Park (COSRIP) will oversee the team and the investigation.

Although no time frame for a final report by the investigating team was mentioned in the statement, a spokesAnimal for the university told The Mammalian Daily that the administration is committed to conducting the investigation in a fair and timely manner.

On This Day—August 4, 2015: Park Museum to host major exhibition dealing with rôle of sport in Park life

By

Park MuseumThe Park Museum announced today that it will host a major exhibition dealing with the rôle of sport in Park life.

In a post on its web site, the museum said the exhibition, entitled, Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals, will feature more than five hundred works including oil and watercolour paintings, photographs, sculpture, works in metal and glass, and textile impressions, “all celebrating balls and the way they inform Park life.”

Co-curated by The Park Museum’s resident curator, Dorika Pumi, and Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and sports historian, Bailey, the exhibition is scheduled to open in the Spring of 2016.

“This is the first exhibit of its kind anywhere in The Park and I am honoured that we have been invited to assist in its assembly,” said Clark Cascanueces, president of the Park Historical Society, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Cascanueces praised the museum for its “foresight” and called the upcoming exhibition a “major breakthrough.”

“For the most part, we have ignored the importance of sport—and of leisure activities— in the lives of Park Animals, “he said. “We’ve chosen to focus on survival and prosperity, but sport has great historical importance to Animals and, I would venture to say, is a necessary component of a good life.”

More information on the exhibit will be available in the new year.

On This Day—August 3, 2012: Getting to know you, getting to know all about you: Mammalian Daily to publish series of survivor profiles

By

The Mammalian Daily announced today that it has engaged the services of a pair of noted biographers to write a series of pieces about refugee Animals who have made their homes in The Park.

The series, which will be called “Survivor Profiles” will appear under the Influential Animals tab on the newspaper’s web site.

“We think we know our friends and neighbours,” said a spokesAnimal for the paper. “But the truth is, there are things we don’t talk about sometimes, such as where we came from and what life was like there. This series will give us a chance to get to know each other in a deeper way.”

The profiles will appear monthly and will be written by biographers Adeola Kifaru and Kamilah Tembo. Kifaru’s latest work, Ululate!, was described in a recent book review as “the most touchingly-written true story published to date”. Kamilah Tembo, who won the biography prize at the 2011 Park Annual Literary Awards (now known as Chitter Radio Literary Awards) for her book, Never Too Soon, is, herself, the daughter of Park refugees.

The Survivor Profile series will begin this month.

On This Day—August 2, 2012: Poorwill Commoners no “fly-by-night” team: coach

By

The coach of one of The Park’s most popular Avian teams has lashed out at critics who branded him “ineffectual” and his team “unworthy” of competing.

At a press conference held at dusk, Charles “Chuck” Nightjar, coach of the Poorwill Commoners, directly addressed the recent spate of criticism that has resulted in a call for his resignation and a complete overhaul of the team membership. In a speech aimed directly at the media, Nightjar countered accusations that he was ill-suited to lead the team and that the team was, somehow, “unstable” and unreliable.

The team has come under fire recently for being a no-show at several daytime training events and, more importantly, for allowing reservists to play in the regular season. The club has also been criticized for allowing members of other species to play for the team during hibernation season, when team members traditionally go into a state of torpor, and for allowing these players to train with the team during the regular season. Coach Nightjar has vigorously defended this policy, saying that all team members benefit from practice and that there is no way to compete during hibernation without bringing in team members from other species.

“The fact that we invite members of other species to play on our team [during hibernation season] in no way signals that we are less-than-serious competitors,” he stressed. “All our members are loyal to the team and focused on winning.”

The coach also took the opportunity to make a plea for fan restraint.

“We appreciate our fans. They’re very zealous…but they can be overly-zealous, too, sometimes,” he said, referring to a recent incident in which a group of passionate supporters painted their feathers and tails the colour of team members and flew out on a destructive nocturnal spree, trashing the nests of rival teams.

“This sort of thing has no place in sport,” Nightjar said.

On This Day—August 1, 2011: Inktvis and Krake set to release new recording

By

The popular Park duo, Inktvis and Krake, is set to release a new collection of tunes in the new year, according to a press release issued this morning by its recording company, Kefalopod Recordings.

In the statement, the company says the collection will include two instrumentals, as well the title song, 3 Hearts, 1 Head, which broke all Park records when it was released earlier this year as a digital download.

On This Day—August 1, 2013: Weather, education, and tourism find a place in 2014 budget

By

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts believed he had a sweet secret to share this morning when he strode up to the press conference podium to release his Office’s expense projections for 2014, otherwise known as The Park Budget.

Displaying confidence in the PFO’s “tough decisions,” and assuming the budget would be “widely approved,” the smiling Struts assured reporters and observers that “we listened intently to Park Animals’ concerns” and that the PFO took them all into consideration when formulating the budget.

“We have attempted to be sensitive to issues that are important to Park citizens,” he said, before using his signature line to the media as the press conference concluded:

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand any longer.”

But, at the after-conference, many reporters and financial analysts had questions that seemed to surprise Struts.

Why, for instance, had both healthcare and security budgets been reduced, many asked, while groundskeeping and water had received a boost in funding? And, while no one seemed surprised that arts and sports funding as well as funding for special events had been reduced drastically (virtually halved since the 2012 budget was presented), many were genuinely puzzled by the bare bones budget set out for public education.

“I am shocked and disappointed,” said 2012 Archon Boniface Cuckoo.

“We (the 2012 Archons) wanted to make public education our legacy and we had the plan in place to do it, including building new educational venues and standardizing the curriculum. That can’t be done on 5%,” he said.

Predictably, the “mere 3%” allocated to tourism, as Struts called it, drew fierce criticism as an unnecessary and unwarranted expenditure and few seemed to believe Struts’s claim that weather would be better financed in the coming year.

“I think what they did was take a little from here, a little from there, and then put a different label on it. They thought they could placate us by giving weather its own place in the budget, but I don’t believe they’ve truly allocated any extra funding for it. We will have to see as things unfold,” said Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Unless he has some real answers for us, Mr. Struts might find his sweet secret has turned a little sour,” she said.

Related articles:

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!