The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2017—Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

By

3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

OTD in 2014—Struts out; new budget to be tabled in late November: PFO

By

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts has been “relieved of his duties as of November 3, 2014,” according to a communiqué distributed to Park media this afternoon.

In the communiqué, all 35 of the 2014 Archons who signed it laud Struts for his “dedication and hard work on behalf of Park citizens,” but they say simply, “it is time for a change.”

“Familiarity with a subject clouds the vision,” they say in the communiqué,” and The Park’s finances “call for clear, fresh eyes.”

To that end, The Park Finance Office says it will appoint a panel of financial experts to produce a completely new 2015 budget. A new head of the Finance Office will be named some time in the new year.

Struts, a longtime employee of the Park Finance Office, rose to prominence over the last decade and became its head six years ago. Known for his steadfast support of Park citizens. particularly refugees and immigrants, Struts was the architect of the last five Park budgets, including the most recent — and most controversial — 2015 budget, which he presented on August 30.

Struts was last seen attending the awards ceremony at the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF). He did not appear at last Tuesday’s annual Account of the State of The Park.

OTD in 2014—Park Finance Officer goes AWOL amid calls for his resignation

By

StrutsPark Finance Officer Milton Struts has not made any public appearances since last Wednesday, when he allegedly made a number of specist remarks during a massive budget protest.

As a result, a number of Park citizen groups are calling for his resignation, saying he has “lost his way” and become “too entrenched” in the budget process.

“We need new blood, that’s for sure,” says Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS) and a long-time critic of Struts.

Small Animal Reform Group (SARG) head Mason L. Tortoise agrees.

“If he can’t face us and defend what he calls a budget, then it’s time for him to go and for us to have an Animal who understands Park life,” he says.

Meanwhile, Sylvana Rana, president of the pro-sortition group Save Our Political System (SOPS) calls the budget “a threat to our way of life.”

“I don’t know what Struts was thinking when he put this thing together,” she says. “It’s as if he was panic-stricken and couldn’t make a decision.”

Rana says Struts’s seeming indecisiveness and what she calls the “total inappropriateness” of the budget might serve as fodder for those who advocate moving to an elected system of government. Presently, the lottery system known as sortition is used annually to select the 35 Animals who serve as our government. The Archons, who are the de facto heads of the Park Finance Office, have not as yet made any statement regarding the 2015 budget.

“To say that I’m disappointed in their silence is a gross understatement,” Rana says. “If they can’t defend our political system by supporting their choice of budget head, they are effectively handing us over to the other side.”

OTD in 2014—Park Finance Officer Struts called out for “specist” remarks made Wednesday

By

Struts

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is taking criticism in the media and in shops around The Park this morning for remarks he made during the massive budget protest held yesterday.

As he moved through the record crowd, many Animals say they heard Struts complaining that the protesters had no budget-planning experience, so they had nothing to offer and nothing to “grouse” about.

“Ignorance breeds ignorance,” is another phrase that many say Struts mumbled. But what really disturbed participants was the second specist remark that Struts let slip from his lips on more than one occasion.

In reference to both the organizers and the strong supporters of the protest, Animals say Struts used the term “Whistlepiggery” on more than one occasion.

“He said the protest was just another example of Whistlepiggery in The Park,” says Adeline Hedgehog, who was present at the protest from the beginning.

“He said it and he didn’t look at all remorseful afterwards,” she says.

Another protester, Elton Zebra, said Struts had a “certain glint in his eye” when he said it.

“He knew exactly what he was saying and who he was saying it about,” says Zebra.

The term “Whistlepiggery” is a derogatory term that was outlawed in The Park a year after zoocracy. It is meant to characterize an Animal as conniving and untrustworthy.

As it happened, the Wednesday anti-budget protest was organized in part by Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). It was also strongly supported by Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., the organizer of the annual Groundhog Day celebrations, as well as by other organizers of Park events and the heads of The Park’s Animal aid services. Absent from the protest were members of The Park’s environmental groups and the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), who are said to be quite pleased with the budget.

In a statement on behalf of his membership, Wellington Whistlepig expressed “deep disappointment” in Struts’s alleged attitude and called on the Finance Officer to make an official apology.

“If  he did, in fact, say those things of which he has been accused, he owes us all an apology for the very unzoocratic way in which he has dealt with dissent,” the statement read in part.

Meanwhile, The Park’s storefronts all agreed to display a very unflattering caricature of Struts with his head in the sand, signifying that he lives in the “dark ages before zoocracy.” The storefronts will continue to display the caricature, they say, until they receive an apology.

Thus far, however, no apology nor comment has been forthcoming either from Struts or from the Park Finance Office.

OTD in 2014—Dare to compare, say budget opponents calling for massive protest Wednesday

By

Three Budgets

The 2015 “streamlined” budget that was presented by the Park Finance Office last month remains a contentious issue among residents, with some in the business community calling for a full re-think.

“I think we are owed some kind of explanation, as well as a full accounting, not this shoddy business that they’ve offered us,” say members of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

Also calling for a free and full public discussion of the matter is Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Not surprisingly, Whistlepig is not at all pleased with the 10% of the budget that is earmarked for “special events.” He says he has no idea how much of that 10% will go to Groundhog Day.

“Special events?” he asks. “Groundhog Day is so much more than a ‘special event.’ It’s the backbone of our community,” he says, exasperated.

“I’ve dealt with cutbacks and surpluses … back and forth. And last minute, too. But this is the most outrageous allocation of funds I’ve ever seen.”

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations is also calling for a re-do of the budget.

At her office this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, went on record as saying her department “cannot function with only 10% of the budget.”

“Are they forgetting how important these events are?” she asked.

Though reluctant to lend her support to the idea of a full-blown protest, Kanariar said she hopes the Archons and the PFO “take note of current sentiment.”

Meanwhile, both PASS and a number of The Park’s refugee and immigrant aid groups have organized what they are calling a “massive protest” to be held on Wednesday. Plans so far are for protesters to meet in front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“We have no doubt that we’ll be able to get our message out this way,” says Whistlepig.

OTD in 2014—Reaction to 2015 “streamlined” budget: from outrage to high praise

By

2015 projectionsReactions to The Park’s 2015 “streamlined” budget depend on what your priorities are, says Park Finance Officer Milton Struts.

In an interview in his office two weeks after the release of the budget, Struts characterized Park residents’ general reaction as “favourable and understanding.”

“I think Park Animals understand the need to simplify our lives and, correspondingly, our budget,” Struts said.

But Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) has a different take on the matter. He says that he and other business owners consider the budget “a disaster” and that he’s been busy “rallying the troops” for the past two weeks to pressure the Park Finance Office into redoing the entire budget.

“There’s going to be a massive protest against this thing,” Whistlepig says. “It’s little more than a farce. There’s almost nothing specific in the budget, so how do we know what’s going to be approved and what isn’t? How do we know how much there is to spend? We don’t. We know nothing.”

Refugee groups agree.

“There was never enough [funding] and likely never will be, but we used to see a defined amount set aside for the care of refugees. In this budget, we see nothing definite. We don’t even see ourselves; they didn’t waste any ink on us,” says Inez Gallina, president of the refugee aid group Home to Roost.

The only groups that seem pleased with the budget are those connected to weather and the environment.

“We’ve been waiting, year after year, for the PFO to take us seriously and they finally have,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Look at the difference: last year, the gave us a mere 5% of the budget. This year it’s a whopping 20%. There is so much we can do with that and it will benefit all Park residents, from our food growers and packagers to our shops and services. Weather is the foundation of our life here in The Park.”

Indeed, according to a source who wishes to remain anonymous, the Park Weather Office (PWO) is said to be “ecstatic” about the budget and “looking forward to spending the funds on good quality weather.”

“You never know, we could end up calling this the Sunshine Budget,” the source said.

2015 projections2015 projections

On This Day—November 28, 2014: Struts convinced Archons to encourage Human tourism in Park: rumour

By

headsNtalesFormer Finance Officer and budget architect Milton Struts was the force behind the 2012 Archons’ decision to encourage Human tourism in The Park, the gossip site headsNtales is reporting.

In an article posted this morning, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site quotes an anonymous source as saying that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget “pulled some strings with the Archons” to get them to consider the financial benefits of Human tourism in The Park.

The source, whose name and species is known to headsNtales but who wishes to remain anonymous to the site’s readers, says Struts had a “longtime” relationship with two male Humans who regularly spent their Summer lunch hours in The Park. The source claims there is video evidence of Struts accepting food from these Humans.

The source also claims that the two Humans “talked up” the financial benefits of encouraging Humans to spend time in The Park and that Struts took the idea to the Archons as early as 2010. Amaury Porpoise, who served two terms as Chief Archon during the calendar harmonization period, had no interest in the plan, according to the source.

The idea was resurrected, though, when his arch rival, George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt, assumed the Chief Archonship in 2012 and vowed to do the opposite of whatever his predecessor had done. Despite the resistance of many of the other 34 Archons, the source says, Newt not only embarked on the plan to promote Human tourism in The Park, but he took full credit for the idea and moved swiftly on Struts’s advice to use Park funds for the purpose.

The three-prong plan that was subsequently adopted was praised by some who owned Park businesses, but it was met with opposition from many others, including The Park’s environmental groups, who vowed to fight its funding. The 2015 budget did not include tourism.

On This Day—August 1, 2013: Weather, education, and tourism find a place in 2014 budget

By

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts believed he had a sweet secret to share this morning when he strode up to the press conference podium to release his Office’s expense projections for 2014, otherwise known as The Park Budget.

Displaying confidence in the PFO’s “tough decisions,” and assuming the budget would be “widely approved,” the smiling Struts assured reporters and observers that “we listened intently to Park Animals’ concerns” and that the PFO took them all into consideration when formulating the budget.

“We have attempted to be sensitive to issues that are important to Park citizens,” he said, before using his signature line to the media as the press conference concluded:

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand any longer.”

But, at the after-conference, many reporters and financial analysts had questions that seemed to surprise Struts.

Why, for instance, had both healthcare and security budgets been reduced, many asked, while groundskeeping and water had received a boost in funding? And, while no one seemed surprised that arts and sports funding as well as funding for special events had been reduced drastically (virtually halved since the 2012 budget was presented), many were genuinely puzzled by the bare bones budget set out for public education.

“I am shocked and disappointed,” said 2012 Archon Boniface Cuckoo.

“We (the 2012 Archons) wanted to make public education our legacy and we had the plan in place to do it, including building new educational venues and standardizing the curriculum. That can’t be done on 5%,” he said.

Predictably, the “mere 3%” allocated to tourism, as Struts called it, drew fierce criticism as an unnecessary and unwarranted expenditure and few seemed to believe Struts’s claim that weather would be better financed in the coming year.

“I think what they did was take a little from here, a little from there, and then put a different label on it. They thought they could placate us by giving weather its own place in the budget, but I don’t believe they’ve truly allocated any extra funding for it. We will have to see as things unfold,” said Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Unless he has some real answers for us, Mr. Struts might find his sweet secret has turned a little sour,” she said.

Related articles:

Former PFO head Milton Struts to be a guest on Yannis Tavros show this week

By

YannisTavros Milton Struts, the disgraced former head of the Park Finance Office, will be a guest on the Yannis Tavros show on Thursday, according to a press release issued today by Toro Talk Radio.

The radio station said Struts, who recently returned to The Park after an extended stay in the land of his ancestors, will discuss the budgets of ousted PFO head Valentina Abeja, as well as other economic and social issues facing The Park.

Struts, who oversaw the PFO and served as budget chief for almost a decade, was relieved of his duties in 2014 after a series of scandals involving his relationship with Humans.

The gossip web site headsNtales claims Struts has met with Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu to discuss returning to his old job. But after the site posted a picture of his newly-refurbished abode under the headline, “He’s baaaack!” Struts issued a statement denying the rumours, saying he had “non-governmental” plans for the next few years.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

July 2025
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031