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Archives for February 2025

OTD in 2014—Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon: “I won’t rule on the POPS shadow case.”

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Mr Justice Augustus Dindon

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon

BREAKING NEWS

In the event that the lawsuit filed by a disgruntled group of Groundhog Day spectators goes to trial, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will not be the presiding judge.

In an announcement released this morning, the venerable justice of The Park’s Superior Court stated that he plans to recuse himself from any trial arising from the lawsuit.

The suit, which was filed on behalf of the group of spectators on February 3, alleges that Solange Marmotte, the 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), did not see her own shadow on Groundhog Day. The lawsuit alleges that the shadow Marmotte saw was caused by a fault in the construction of the Prognostication Pad and that, as a consequence, her prediction was and should be declared null and void.

Although the much-beloved jurist did not reveal the reasons for his decision, he is said to believe that the case is a “nuisance lawsuit” and that, in all probability, time will be the judge of whether or not the prediction was accurate.

In the meantime, temperatures in The Park continue to hover at record lows with no end in sight.

OTD in 2015—Noreen to collaborate with DWBS on guide to “Safety in the Soppy Seasons”

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lovely-to-look-at-front-cover“We’ve all come to understand just how soppy Humans can be, sometimes,” says Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier.

“But what many of us don’t understand is how to cope with that and how to keep ourselves safe in the face of such an onslaught of emotion.”

There is help on the way though, she said, at a press conference held early this morning.

Standing beside Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety, Noreen announced her collaboration with the department on what she called “the definitive guide to staying safe in the soppy seasons.”

“Animals need to acquire the skill sets to cope with the ‘two-legged Lions,'” she said. “Especially when they try to give us Bear hugs.”

Kakapo concurred.

“Several times a year, we [the DWBS] issue a safety alert, telling Animals to beware of Humans looking for temporary—or even permanent—Animal companionship. And The Park has devoted the entire month of June to spreading awareness of enforced domestication,” he said.

“But, clearly, that hasn’t been enough. The number of Animal kidnappings has increased dramatically over the past few years. We’re now even seeing cases of Animals being returned to The Park after these events. They are often in very bad shape, both physically and mentally. Some of them are altered for life. We have to put a stop to this. And we feel the first step is to arm Park Animals with the information they need to keep themselves and their loved ones safe.”

The printed guide will be published this Autumn, Kakapo said, and will be available free of charge through the DWBS offices, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic. A pdf copy will also be posted on this web site.

OTD in 2014—”Squawkability Score” newest tool for tackling inequality in The Park

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Squawkability Score

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

There are two issues that Buckminster Moose holds dear to his heart: equality for all Animals and a good quality of life in The Park.

During an exclusive interview with The Mammalian Daily conducted over a two-day period, the 2014 Chief Archon spoke emotionally about his desire to see zoocracy in The Park fulfil its promise of equality and security for Animals. And as he spoke, it became apparent that he intends to use his influence to help make that promise a reality.

Enter the “Squawkability Score,” the newest tool in the Archons’ arsenal.

“I saw it in action when I was on holiday outside The Park and I was very impressed by it. When I got back and found out that I’d been chosen Chief Archon, I decided to bring it here. We have the opportunity to tackle these issues head-on now and I am ready to do it and this tool will be of immense value to us,” he said.

The tool essentially measures quality of life or, as the Moose says, “both happiness and unhappiness.” Animals will be asked to rate their quality of life, happiness, prosperity, fulfillment, emotional well-being, etc., on a scale of 0-9. The Department of Well-Being and Safety will use this data to assess the effectiveness of current policies and to develop and implement new policies.

“The tool uses the word ‘squawkability’ because we squawk when we’re happy and proud, but we also squawk when we complain. We want to know both the good and the bad. Anything you want to tell us, we’re happy to listen to,” said the Moose.

Part Two of The Mammalian Daily’s exclusive interview with 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose will appear next week.

Click here to read Part One.

OTD in 2014—Animal Actors’ Union takes stand on content in theatre, film

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Union of Park Stage and Screen Actors

The Union of Park Stage and Screen Actors (UPSSA) has taken a stand on the content of the plays and movies in which its members will participate in the future.

Current UPSSA President Wilbur J. Pika made the announcement this morning while speaking at the opening of the Millicent Hayberry Centre for the Study of Drama and Performance at the University of West Terrier.

“No longer are Park Animals willing to allow themselves to become accessories to the crimes committed by many playwrights and screenwriters. No longer will our well-trained and highly skilled members participate in so-called artistic ventures that denigrate Animals of any kind in any way,” he declared before a highly receptive audience.

Pika followed up his speech by distributing the “UPSSA Fair Representation of Animals in Theatre and Film Manifesto,” which outlines the circumstances under which UPSSA members will refuse work in plays and movies.

The most important part of the Manifesto, Pika said, is the fact that 97% of UPSSA members agreed on its contents.

“We had a series of very serious, you could even say sombre meetings,” Pika said. “And we were all in agreement that we would reject any work that depicts Animals as stupid, lazy, beholden to Humans, or in any other negative or stereotypical fashion,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Archons enact legislation designating March as annual “Museum Month”

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Park MuseumThe 2015 Archons have enacted legislation designating the month of March each year as “Museum Month” in The Park.

At a press conference held early this morning in front of the soon-to-be-opened Park Museum, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo made the announcement. Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Cuckoo spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“On behalf of my fellow Archons, I proclaim the month of March as annual Museum Month in The Park.

In making this proclamation, we are recognizing the importance of documenting and understanding our history and celebrating our triumphs. At the same time, however, we must acknowledge our ongoing struggles. We hope the formal establishment of a Museum Month will facilitate just that and that the month of March will be a time for us each year to take an honest look at ourselves as a Park, to assess our accomplishments, and to rethink our goals as they relate to The Park as a whole and to each other as fellow citizens.

To that end, in conjunction with the Park Finance Office, we have made a change to The Park budget and set aside funds so that all Park museums will be able to welcome guests free of charge throughout the month of March each year. We hope this will help present and future generations to understand the history of The Park and the rôle that they themselves may play in its future.”

The legislation to which the Chief Archon referred goes by the formal name of “The Museum Month Designation Act” (“An Act to designate the month of March as annual Museum Month in The Park”). The legislation was signed February 23, 2015 and takes effect on February 26, 2015.

Opening ceremonies at The Park Museum will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Sunday, March 1, 2015.

OTD in 2015—Radio host Yannis Tavros announces stellar lineup for “March Madness”

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YannisTavros Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros announced a stellar lineup today for his upcoming “March Madness” broadcasts.

Tavros took a break during his show this afternoon to rattle off a list of guests that is sure to triple or even quadruple his listener audience.

Among those confirmed, Tavros mentioned beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte, controversial Nesthetics designer Romulus Bowerbird, Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces, and newly-appointed head of the Park Finance Office, Valentina Abeja. Dorika Pumi, The Park Museum’s new curator, choreographer Herman Stoat, rapper Will.o.be., and Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox will also be joining Tavros in March.

The list continued with director Douglas Cheetah, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, head of The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, Hieronymous Hedgehog, and historian Pieter Paard. As well, Tavros confirmed that renowned chef, restaurateur and author Tab Tricolore will join the radio host for his first interview since his return to The Park.

“There’s something for everyone in this lineup,” Tavros said, as he concluded. “And we have even more to tell you in the days to come.”

OTD in 2016—Rapper Will.o.be. under fire for criticism of zoocracy after Return of the Nut

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Rapper Will.o.be.

Rapper Will.o.be: “Animals are not fit for self-rule.”

First, it was Douglas Cheetah. Now, Rapper Will.o.be. is coming under fire for remarks he made at The Park’s emotional Return of the Nut ceremony on Saturday.

Just minutes after 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf returned the Nut to The Park’s hibernating community, swearing the ancient oath that it was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” the singer and composer made some incendiary remarks to a Mammalian Daily Television (TMDTV) reporter.

In a “live at the scene” interview, the beloved musician criticized the Archons’ Groundhog Day address, as well as the Archons themselves, saying that they “embodied everything that is wrong with zoocracy.”

A shocked television audience then found themselves subjected to a barrage of specist comments, as Will.o.be. declared that “Fish do not speak for me,” that “[Chief Archon] Mink does not speak for me,” and that “very few other Animals have any idea what it’s like to be Feline.”

The composer and singer then went on a rampage against Animal self-rule, declaring that most Animals are not able to run their own lives, let alone the lives of millions of other Animals of all species.

“I’ve spent a lot of time in the Human world and I know that it doesn’t work there, either,” he said.

Minutes after the broadcast, Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS), TMDTV’s parent company, issued an apology for the rapper’s remarks, saying they did not reflect in any way the views of MDANS or its employees.

OTD in 2013—Chaos reigns as Return of the Nut marks end of hibernation

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Chaos reigned yesterday in The Park, as Tapio Orava prepared to fulfil his duties as 2013 Keeper of the Nut.

Orava could not hide his discomfort as he stretched out his arms and returned the Nut to the citizenry in a ceremony that has great historical significance.

Swearing the ancient oath that the Nut was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” he said he could see and hear thousands of protesters around him, waving signs and shouting at each other.

“I didn’t know, at first, that they weren’t protesting against me, but I didn’t know why they would be doing that,” he said later. “So I just tightened my tail and got on with the business at hand.”

The protesters came from two different camps: some were members of The Park’s hibernating communities who had come out in support of Hieronymous Hedgehog and others were vehement supporters of controversial Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. At one point, surrounding Orava, they declared war on each other and Park Police were forced to step in to quell the demonstration.

“I was mortified…for The Park and for him [Tapio Orava]…and I was sad,” said Beatrice Zilonis, a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.

“This is a day of great significance to us…a day that has always been one of pure joy, marking the end of hibernation and reuniting most of The Park’s residents. It is a day when we all come together and celebrate our survival. They [the protesters] had no business being there,” she said.

Noticeably absent from the ceremony was Hieronymous Hedgehog, who is at the centre of the controversy, along with Yannis Tavros. According to his hibernating compatriots, he is still resting in his burrow and is unaware, as yet, of the firestorm that his Groundhog Day remarks created.

“He’s living in blissful ignorance,” said his cousin Cyril, stifling a laugh. “But I doubt that that can last much longer.”

Meanwhile, according to Park Police, the half-day celebration of survival and solidarity yielded 400 arrests, 175 injuries and, as of today, 4 lawsuits.

“I guess you could say it wasn’t just another day in The Park for us,” said Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), who oversaw security at the event.

OTD in 2013—Tavros “Bullish” on The Park, say his supporters

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Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros is “Bullish” on The Park and only wants the best for his adopted home, says a group of his supporters who have set up camp in front of the radio station.

“I think everybody’s got it all wrong about Yannis,” says Gottfried Stier. Stier has been marching up and down in front of Toro Talk Radio’s door since Tuesday, when the radio station relieved the controversial talk show host of his duties for an indefinite period of time.

Stier points to the photo on the sign he’s been carrying, then asks in a genuinely puzzled tone:

“Does that look like the face of a Bull who’s gratuitously cruel?” he asked.

That epithet is one of many that have become attached to Tavros’s name. Always known as outspoken and often seen as controversial, many believe Tavros crossed the line last Tuesday, when he criticized the intellectual capabilities of Hieronymous Hedgehog and his family.

“Nobody here thinks he should have said that,” says Stier, who says he agrees with those who believe Tavros should come forward and apologize.

“But I don’t think it’s an indication of his views. He’s argumentative…and combative on the air. That’s his persona. But his loyalties lie with The Park and he’s a staunch supporter of zoocracy. Considering where he came from, that’s not a surprise. But you won’t find many Animals who are as willing as he is to lay it on the line so The Park can be its best. I don’t think, right now, that Park Animals have any appreciation of his real attitudes. All they can hear is this one mistake. I think we owe it to him to give him a chance to speak honestly,” Stier says.

Another protester, Jurella Tamaraw, points out the irony in Tavros not being on the air.

“The last time there was a controversy about free speech, Yannis was there to help resolve it,” she says. That controversy, which involved the decision made by the Association of Park Radio Stations to pull a Cynics song from the airwaves, was resolved when Tavros offered the Cynics a chance to defend their song on his show.

Many would argue, though, that the current issue is not, technically, one of free speech. The protesters outside Toro Talk Radio believe there is a simple solution, nevertheless.

“I think he should apologize and we should all move on from this,” says Tamaraw.

OTD in 2013—Founding Families, Petrounel pull ads from Toro Talk Radio

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The Founding Families Financial Corporation has pulled its advertisements from Toro Talk Radio in response to remarks made on February 12 by the station’s talk show host, Yannis Tavros.

In an announcement dated today, The Park’s oldest and largest bank said it “could not in good conscience support the radio station given the nature of the remarks made by one in its employ.”

As its name suggests, Founding Families Financial Corporation was established by a number of The Park’s original families. These include Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels, Arachnids, Hedgehogs, Beavers, Wasps, Polar Bears, Cattle and Bees, among others. Many of these families are members of The Park’s hibernating communities and some have suggested that this may have been a factor in the bank’s decision.

In an interview on Chitter Radio this morning, Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP) said he thought it was “far from a coincidence that the bank’s announcement came today, [since it is ] the official end of the hibernation period.”

“Not only do some members of its Board of Directors come from our hibernating communities, but a great number of its clients do, as well. They can’t be seen to be supporting a station that appears anti-hibernator,” he said.

He also believes this is the main reason that Provisions by Petrounel pulled its ads from Toro Talk Radio.

“They’re grocers and caterers and they serve all species, but it’s been estimated that a good 40 per cent or more of their business is post-hibernation. How could they afford not to pull their ads after Tavros insulted a pair of very well-known and well-loved hibernators?” he said.

As of this afternoon, Toro Talk Radio had not responded to the companies’ announcements.

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