The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its annual seasonal advisory, warning Animals to beware of Humans who display certain characteristics that “might prove dangerous down the road.”

The advisory, which was issued on December 20, warns Park Animals against associating with Humans who display overly-friendly behaviour toward them or who take an “interest in their life circumstances that goes beyond normal friendship.”

“We are advising Park Animals always to be aware, to listen carefully and be observant of Human behaviour, especially during the holiday season,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

The advisory warns Animals to be on the lookout for Humans who say they are seeking “animal companionship” and who try to entice them with food, or who make cooing noises at them or call them by names such as “cutie” and “sweetie.”

“The sentimentality of the season makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans. Especially at this time of year, Humans seem to lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny. They sincerely believe they are doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has announced the itinerary and lineup for the 2013 Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

At a press conference today, the Department’s director of public relations, Aintza Kanariar, said she was “thrilled” to announce that this year’s festivities will begin at sunrise on December 21, as they did last year.

“This is only the second time in seven years that the Winter Solstice celebrations have begun at sunrise,” she said. “Based on the success of last year’s Celebration and after reviewing the results of a participant survey, we have concluded that sunrise is the most appropriate time to begin.”

The Celebration will incorporate some of the most successful components of last year’s festivities with some “new and innovative” elements, Kanariar said.

Some of The Park’s most popular music makers will perform, including Eggie and The Pigs, The DomEstyx, The Feral Four, Banded Brothers, SponaneousGeneration, The Beasts of Burden and the Endeka Elephant Band. Rapper Jargonhead has confirmed his appearance, as have The Tweeters. And, despite rumours to the contrary, Rapper Will.o.be., who was recently acquitted of charges involving the abuse of an Oak Tree, said through a representative that he is “very much looking forward to providing some of the entertainment at the Winter Solstice Celebration.”

Once again, The Herman Stoat Dance Company will perform a new work, created for the occasion. This year’s dance, choreographed by Stoat himself, will celebrate The Park’s interspecial life. The dance, entitled, “On the Cusp of a Dream,” will feature some of the company’s newest members, including a number of promising non-Mammalian dancers whom Stoat recently recruited.

Other entertainment acts will include jugglers, clowns, and a Human imitator. And, while students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will paint “three-minute portraits” of Solstice celebrants, the Park Historical Society will offer revellers the opportunity to dress up in a variety of costumes and represent Park historical figures.

As always, a major component of the festivities will be the food. This year, The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café will provide the festive fare, while Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.

Who says Animals in business have no sense of humour?

Not Amoltrud Poedel. The owner of The Park’s oldest grooming house believes that serious events can have a funny side. And just to prove it, she’s added a seasonal special to the long list of services her salon offers.

“I’m calling it the ‘Rapper Special’ and we’re offering it at half price, this week only,” she laughs. “It’s our full claw sharpening treatment…but we do it extra-carefully, so that all that nasty bark won’t get caught in your claws.”

The reference, of course, is to the trial of Rapper Will.o.be., who was acquitted yesterday after being charged with, among other things, sharpening his claws on a precious Park Oak Tree.

Poedel won’t say whether she harbours doubts about his innocence, but she’s clearly not against taking advantage of the doubts of many other Park citizens.

But, she says, “It’s all in good fun. I’m hoping he’ll come in for a sharpening or, at least, write our next jingle for us. Something snappy, with a bit of a bite and a bark to it, maybe.”