Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The popular Park duo, Inktvis and Krake, is set to release a new collection of tunes in the new year, according to a press release issued this morning by its recording company, Kefalopod Recordings.
In the statement, the company says the collection will include two instrumentals, as well the title song, 3 Hearts, 1 Head, which broke all Park records when it was released earlier this year as a digital download.
Park Finance Officer Milton Struts believed he had a sweet secret to share this morning when he strode up to the press conference podium to release his Office’s expense projections for 2014, otherwise known as The Park Budget.
Displaying confidence in the PFO’s “tough decisions,” and assuming the budget would be “widely approved,” the smiling Struts assured reporters and observers that “we listened intently to Park Animals’ concerns” and that the PFO took them all into consideration when formulating the budget.
“We have attempted to be sensitive to issues that are important to Park citizens,” he said, before using his signature line to the media as the press conference concluded:
“We can’t bury our heads in the sand any longer.”
But, at the after-conference, many reporters and financial analysts had questions that seemed to surprise Struts.
Why, for instance, had both healthcare and security budgets been reduced, many asked, while groundskeeping and water had received a boost in funding? And, while no one seemed surprised that arts and sports funding as well as funding for special events had been reduced drastically (virtually halved since the 2012 budget was presented), many were genuinely puzzled by the bare bones budget set out for public education.
“I am shocked and disappointed,” said 2012 Archon Boniface Cuckoo.
“We (the 2012 Archons) wanted to make public education our legacy and we had the plan in place to do it, including building new educational venues and standardizing the curriculum. That can’t be done on 5%,” he said.
Predictably, the “mere 3%” allocated to tourism, as Struts called it, drew fierce criticism as an unnecessary and unwarranted expenditure and few seemed to believe Struts’s claim that weather would be better financed in the coming year.
“I think what they did was take a little from here, a little from there, and then put a different label on it. They thought they could placate us by giving weather its own place in the budget, but I don’t believe they’ve truly allocated any extra funding for it. We will have to see as things unfold,” said Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).
“Unless he has some real answers for us, Mr. Struts might find his sweet secret has turned a little sour,” she said.
Related articles:
The Canine Athletic Association has renewed its campaign to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive stroke.
In a statement published today, the Association once again asserted that the swimming stroke, which fell out of fashion some years ago, is an excellent test of aquatic prowess and should be reinstated in time for the next Interspecial Summer Games in 2013.
A spokesDog for the CAA said the Association’s renewed efforts will include multimedia coverage featuring well-known Park sports figures as well as celebrities such as Bisbee Bichon and I.S. Chow, stars of Varden Spaniel’s 2009 film, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed.
“This will be an all-out sensory assault,” said the spokesDog, who confirmed that radio spots had been scheduled on all Park radio stations, public service announcements will be broadcast on all television stations and advertisements will run in most of The Park’s print media.
“We’ve even commissioned a new scent, ‘Soggy Dog’, which will be available for purchase exclusively at the Reek-O-Rama beginning in September,” he said. Proceeds from the scent will go to supporting Canine athletes who are currently training to swim in the Dog paddle competition at the 2013 Summer Games.
“That’s how sure we are that we will be successful this time around,” said the spokesDog.
The Canine Athletic Association launched its first Dog paddle campaign two years before the 2008 (26 AZ) Interspecial Summer Games. That campaign, however, was not successful.
The 2013 Interspecial Summer Games will take place during the last two weeks of September 2013.
The memorial service in honour of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn has been scheduled for Friday, August 1, it was announced today.
The service will take place at the Park Repertory Theatre. There will, in fact, be five services or more held, according to a spokesAnimal for the theatre.
“We all wanted to hold the memorial here, but we do not have sufficient room for the numbers we anticipate. As a compromise, we decided to hold the service a number of times. There will be no difference in the content of the services; just in the time,” the spokesAnimal said.
Members of The Park’s stage and screen communities, including Millicent Hayberry, directors Donald Merriami and Douglas Cheetah, and Leola Ocelot of the Park Interspecial Fllm Festival (PIFF) will speak at the memorial. Other scheduled speakers include Chef Tab Tricolore, Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), representatives of the Park Alliance of Chipmunks (PAC) and the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and some of Aardeekhoorn’s close friends and family members.
The first service will begin at 10:00 am.
The book that was recovered by workers excavating at the site of the future Park Museum is a beloved Park tome that went missing ten years ago.
In a statement released to the press this afternoon, Catriona Cairn-Terrier, Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML), confirmed the identity of the find.
“It is with great pleasure that I confirm for you today that, after extensive testing in our laboratories, we have concluded definitively that the book that was discovered during excavations at the site of the future Park Museum is, indeed, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat,” the statement read.
Cairn-Terrier also commended the workers from Burrows and Beyond, the construction company that was hired to prepare the ground at the Park Museum.
“They called the ISML as soon as they found the book. They showed a real sensitivity to the find and I commend them for it,” she noted in the press release.
The book, which is much beloved in The Park, went missing ten years ago, after a storm toppled the display in which it was housed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The book had resided there for seven years after the death of its author, ZoëCat, in 1996. Every day, a page was turned so that ZoëCat’s followers and other passersby could read a new entry.
“ZoëCat is revered in The Park,” says Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces.
“She was a great thinker; she had the highest IQ of any Animal in The Park and she was the older sister of Jor, our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Her influence on him must have been immense,” he said.
In all, the book’s pages number 6,975 and span the years from her early Kittenhood until a month before her death. The autobiographical tome, which is filled with her personal, political, and philosophical musings, was never formally published and the book that was found by the excavators is believed to be the only extant copy.
In an effort to acquaint citizens, residents, and visitors with the important work that they do, The Park’s various media outlets will host a circus this weekend at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.
An open invitation, posted at the Wishing Well by Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP), encourages “all Animals who reside, frequent, or visit The Park,” to come out this weekend to meet the press.
“[We think that] all Animals should avail themselves of the opportunity to meet those of us who work in the media, especially the reporters. These are the Animals who struggle against seemingly insurmountable odds and who put their lives at risk every day to bring back accurate accountings of goings-on, both inside and outside The Park,” van de Gier said in an interview on PBC Radio this morning.
The two-day event is the first of its kind in The Park. Every Park newspaper, magazine, radio, and television station will be represented in some form. In addition, the AMOP president said, there will be “fun and games” for both young and old. These will include a chance to “play reporter” by covering your choice of a mock trial at the Court House, a disease outbreak at The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, or a play opening at the Burrow Theatre. Other mock events planned are hosting a radio interview, following a police chase, and rummaging through a celebrity Animal’s garbage.There will be many prizes awarded, as well, van de Gier said, and the top prize will be the chance to be interviewed on Toro Talk Radio by host Yannis Tavros.
For those who find the event so riveting that they are moved to make a career change, representatives of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism will be on hand to explain just what is involved in training for a career in media.
Who: Representatives of all Park media outlets
What: Media Circus
Where: Ancient, Open-Air Theatre
When: July 30-31
Why: Meet the press, ask questions, learn about media, play reporter, have fun
The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has come under heavy criticism for issuing its Summer security alert too late.
Yesterday’s alert, which is only the second Summer alert ever issued, warned Park Animals to be vigilant around Humans vacationing in The Park.
According to the DWBS communiqué, Park Animals should deal with Humans in a “professional” manner, refrain from befriending Human children, refuse all invitations to enter vehicles, and refuse any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.
“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during their time off work and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” the DWBS warned.
The alert is comprehensive. But critics say the delay in issuing it has cost some Animals their security and perhaps, in some cases, their lives.
“This alert should have been issued a month ago, at least. Six weeks ago would have been perfect,” says Delma Falter of The Park’s Missing Animals Registry.
Falter says that this Summer, she’s had the “very sad task” of adding names to the Registry.
“It’s a difficult thing to do. I deal with families reporting their friends, their mates, their young, missing. We try to give them hope, but the truth is many of them will never be found. And this Summer, the numbers have grown to the point where I would call it a crisis,” she said.
Other frontline workers agree.
Arrosa Katu of the Feral Cat Helpline says she and other volunteers have seen a record number of calls this year.
“I would say roughly four hundred per cent more, and during many of those calls, I’ve had to tell families to call the Missing Animals Registry,” she says.
Katu and Falter say much of this could have been avoided.
“The DWBS made a big mistake in waiting so long to issue the alert. Many of us would call it a fatal error,” says Falter.
Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:
Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427
Don’t get caught this Summer! Stay clear of Humans vacationing in The Park
The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its first-ever Summer security alert.
In a communiqué released this morning, the DWBS informs Animals of the increased risk of capture by Humans vacationing in The Park this Summer.
“We have estimated the level of risk to be high to very high for the Summer of 2015,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo says in the communiqué.
“Due to recent economic challenges in the Human world, many have chosen to spend their vacations close to home. This means that we can expect to see an increase in the number of Humans vacationing in The Park during the month of August. Although this is beneficial to The Park’s economy, it can also present problems. For this reason, we advise Park Animals to be alert at all times when dealing with Humans,” the communiqué warns.
Kakapo says the alert applies to all Park Animals, including those in the tourist industry, business owners, restaurateurs, groomers, artists, and musicians.
“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during vacations and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” Kakapo says.
There are, however, a number of precautionary measures that Animals can take in order to keep themselves safe and free from capture. These include dealing with Humans in a “professional” manner, refraining from befriending Human children, refusing all invitations to enter vehicles, especially large ones such as vans and SUVs, and refusing any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.
“Remember,” Kakapo says, “Humans may not mean to do harm but neither do they have your best interests at heart.”
Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:
Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427
Actress Millicent Hayberry has released the following statement on the death of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn:
IT was my honour and privilege to portray Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of “Mixed Nuts,” the adaptation of her brilliant memoir.
An actress could not have asked for more. Imogen’s brilliant lines, deep insights, and both her sense of humour and her sense of tristesse made my job an absolute delight every afternoon and evening.
Imogen and I first became friends in 2007, on the set of “Mixed Nuts” at the Park Repertory Theatre. As members of one of The Park’s founding families, we found we had much in common and we remained friends throughout the years. She visited me on the set of the film adaptation of her work and she later visited me in hospital when I fell ill during the shooting. It is my deepest regret that I was not at her side when she died.
As all of us in The Park were, I was shocked and saddened when I heard the news of her death. The Park has lost a great figure, wrapped in a tiny package. Her voice was strong, but her will and her spirit were even stronger. The truths she told in her work will live on and provide solace for many generations, but she will be missed most by those who knew her personally. Au revoir, Imogen. Until we meet again.
Millicent
The popular Park mystery novel, Murder at the Fishbowl, is to become a feature film, according to the book’s publisher.
Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, S.A. confirmed in an email this morning that Bitter Litter Pictures has purchased the film rights from the book’s author. No other details have been revealed.
The novel, which debuted at The Park’s Feline Fiction Fest in 25 AZ (2007), is scheduled to be released in softshell by the publisher in September.
