• Home
  • About The Mammalian Daily
    • TMD 101: A quick guide to reading The Mammalian Daily
    • A note about our style
  • Welcome to The Park
    • About The Park
    • Past and Present Archons
  • Park Life
    • Educational Institutions
      • University of West Terrier
      • Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life
      • Leonardo Language and Culture Institute
      • The Hani Gajah School of Art
      • Park School of Aesthetics
    • Shops and Retail
    • Restaurants and Pubs
    • Financial Institutions
      • Currency
    • Health & Well-Being
      • Hospitals and Clinics
      • Directory of Park Health Services
    • Grooming Houses
      • Amoltrud’s Aesthetics
      • En Garde Hair and Skin Salon
      • Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure
      • KwikLiks
      • Tallulah’s Toilettage
      • The Mane Event
      • The Pluming Room
    • Park Services
      • Architects and Construction Services
      • Employment Service
      • Entertainment and Party Services
      • Financial Services
      • Home Services
      • Image and Consulting Services
      • Legal Services
      • Park-Sponsored Programmes
      • Personal Services
      • Real Estate Services
      • Translation Services
      • Travel & Transportation Services
    • Charities
    • Citizen Aid & Action Associations
      • Associations, Federations, and Alliances
      • Political Reform Groups
      • Environmental Groups
      • Immigrant and Citizen Aid Groups
      • Education Groups
    • Sports
  • Arts in The Park
    • Art Galleries in The Park
    • Theatres and Cinemas
    • Music Makers
    • The Barkettes
      • History and Legacy of The Barkettes
      • Thisbe and the Barkettes Celebrate 10 Years of Sensational Singing Success
      • Olden Goldies: Noreen Interviews The Barkettes
      • Thisbe and The Barkettes: Hits and Recordings
    • The Library
    • Book Reviews
  • Media in The Park
    • Newspapers
    • Magazines
    • Radio Stations
    • Television Stations
    • Publishing Companies
    • Mammalian Daily Associated News Services
  • Fun
    • Take Our Quick Quizzes!
    • See Our Ads
      • A Different Reality
      • Canine Standup Comedy
      • Fake News
      • Financial Crisis
      • Liquid Assets
      • Monkey See
      • Solid Ground
      • Who We Are
      • Think Outside the Book

The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen
  • Breaking News
    • NewsBits
    • Whoa! Braking News
  • Politics/Law/Crime
    • Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction
    • Past and Present Archons
  • Economy and Business
  • Education
  • Health and Medicine
    • Media
      • Month Without Metaphor
  • Focus on
  • Science and Technology
  • Arts, Entertainment, and Culture
    • Park Life
      • Ask a Poodle
      • Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM)
      • Passings
      • Gossip and Rumour
    • Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)
    • PIFF Piffle
    • Thisbe and the Barkettes
  • Noreen
    • Dear Noreen Advice Columns
  • Sports
    • Let’s Talk Balls!
  • Interviews
    • Five Questions For…
    • Survivor Profiles
  • Archives
    • Wednesday Rewind
    • Nostalgia
    • From the Vault

Five Questions For…Chuck the Guck Man

June 18, 2017 By Riikard Havik, TMD Focus Reporter

chuck-the-guck-manRiikard Havik talks to Chuck the Guck Man


RH: Let’s cut to the chase. Those rumours about a musical based on your life…true or false?

CHUCK: I thought you might ask about that. I don’t know who let the Cat out of the bag, so to speak, but yes, it’s true, or as true as it can be without it being a reality yet. The working title is, “Every Inch a Guck Man.”

RH: Really. I thought it might be “CHUCKles the Guck Man.” Why a musical?

CHUCK: Well, let’s face it: the life of a guck man isn’t exactly dramatic. Besides, it’s meant to be a sort of feel good thing: a celebration of Park life and the Animals who do the basic work that needs to be done here.

RH: So, you would call guck making a necessity and not a luxury?

CHUCK: It’s by no means a luxury! We have to attend to our ocular health. It’s critical.

RH: Now, there are other guck men in The Park, but you have the epithet “beloved” attached to your name…

CHUCK: I didn’t give myself that epithet, you know.

RH: Yes, I know, but do you have any theories as to why you are so beloved?

CHUCK: I think trust has a lot to do with it. I’m a fourth-generation Guck Man, which means my customers can count on me. I’m no fly-by-nighter, although I do work primarily at night. But all my guck is made in-house at my family’s three laboratories and all of it is delivered and applied by me. If something goes wrong, I’m here to set it right.

RH: That’s a lot of work, isn’t it? I don’t think we realize how much is involved in being a guck man.

CHUCK: It’s a busy life. It’s seven days a week, most weeks of the year. I take a bit of time off every now and then. But it’s rewarding.

RH: What would you tell the younger generation about guck-making that would make them want to join your ranks?

CHUCK: Well, first of all, you’ve gotta love it. For me, that’s easy. It’s in my blood. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t in the lab with my dad or grandfather, watching that guck bubble up in the tubes. But there are actually two things you’ve gotta love. One is guck and guck-making and the other is just as important and that’s other Animals. If you don’t love that part of it, you’re going to burn out quickly. You have to love your customers and want the best for them. I’m not saying that’s easy. Sometimes, it’s hard. But you have to care about them. Otherwise, what are you doing this for?

RH: If you hadn’t been a guck man, what do you think you’d have wanted to be?

CHUCK: You thought you’d trip me up there, didn’t you? But, actually, I have thought about that. And this might surprise you. I have a lot of admiration for Herman Stoat. We’ve become friends over the years…

RH: The choreographer?

CHUCK: Yes. And I think, if I hadn’t grown up surrounded by guck and guck men, I might well have tried to do something in the dance area. Choreography, maybe. Or maybe just dance. Or gymnastics. I do a bit of that on my own, when I have some free time.

RH: Gymnastics?

CHUCK: Yes. Does that surprise you?

RH: In fact, it does.

CHUCK: Guck men are not one-dimensional, you know.

RH: I realize that.

CHUCK: Or you’re just realizing that, now.

RH: One last question, and it’s an easy one for you: what does the “guck” acronym stand for?

CHUCK: That is an easy one. Glutinous Unctuous Coagulated Knots. It may not sound pretty, but we couldn’t live without it.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Five Questions For... Tagged With: Chuck the Guck Man, guck

Focus On: Archons’ Address

February 1, 2016 By Riikard Havik, TMD Focus Reporter

Annual Archons' Address

Why is the Archons’ address so important?

The observation of Groundhog Day has its roots deep in the Animal tradition of weather prognostication. The Park’s elaborate, all-day celebration of this important day attracts record crowds annually.

But modern Park life has endowed the day with a political significance, as well. Park citizens, eager to discover what the new year has in store for them, await the annual Archons’ address, the first speech given by the 35 newly-selected Archons.

Let’s focus on the Archons’ address.

THE ARCHONS: WHO ARE THEY?
Each cohort of thirty-five Archons constitutes The Park’s government for a period of one year. The individual Archons hail from every species of citizen in The Park and they are chosen each year through the process known as sortition (lottery).

While their names are announced on January 15, they make their first appearance before The Park’s citizenry on January 16, the day on which they are sworn in. After the ceremony, the Archons go into seclusion and are neither seen nor heard from until Groundhog Day on February 2.

HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHAT TO SAY IN THEIR ADDRESS?
During those sixteen days, the Archons have a chance to get to know each other and to discover each other’s attitudes and opinions regarding the direction in which The Park should move. Economic, social, and health-related issues are the subject of robust discussion and it is through this process of discussion and debate that the Archons develop their agenda for the year.

Ideally, this agenda (which literally means “things to be done”) should address Park citizens’ most pressing needs and concerns. When the governing collective has made its final decision on the important issues that it will address during its tenure, it is ready to draft the Groundhog Day speech.

WHY THE SPEECH IS IMPORTANT TO PARK CITIZENS
Park citizens know virtually nothing about the members of their new government, even as they watch them being sworn in. While many may be acquainted with them personally, it is not likely they know with any certainty where these Animals stand on the important issues that face The Park.

As the Chief Archon reads the speech, she or he reveals the concerns and beliefs of the governing collective and lays the groundwork for the changes that it will attempt to make over the coming year.

That is why the Archons’ address, given on Groundhog Day, is so important to Park citizens.

WHAT PARK ANIMALS ARE LISTENING FOR
The Archons’ address does more than simply list a number of items that are of concern to the Archons or that they hope to act on during their tenure. The speech sets the tone for the new administration and for the relationship it will have with Park citizens.

What Park Animals are listening for are indications that the Archons are not only in tune with their concerns but that they will be open to input from the citizenry. Most who reside in The Park would agree that this is what makes good government.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Focus on, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: #GroundhogDay, Archons' address, government

Focus on: Groundhog Day

January 29, 2013 By Riikard Havik, TMD Focus Reporter

 

A major Park occasion, Groundhog Day has its roots deep in the Animal tradition of weather prognostication. The Park’s elaborate, all-day celebration of this important day attracts hundreds of thousands of Animals annually. And modern Park life has endowed the day with a political significance, as well: Park citizens and residents, who are eager to discover what the new year has in store for them, await the annual Archons’ address—the first official speech given by the thirty-five newly-selected Archons.

ORIGIN AND HISTORY
In the beginning, there was the Groundhog. One of The Park’s founding families, the Groundhogs staked out their territory in the prairie lands of The Park long before zoocracy was established.

As more Animals began to inhabit The Park, the Groundhogs settled into their rôle as Park Elders. Oftentimes, it was the Groundhogs who were consulted in Park matters, particularly those of weatherly import.

The First Prediction
The first prediction of weather in The Park was made on 2 February, 65 BZ (Before Zoocracy), by E. Bromley Groundhog. It was a casual prediction, made without fanfare, outside E. Bromley’s burrow. He predicted an early Spring. The Spring of 65 BZ arrived on 5 March. The present year is 2022 (40 AZ — After Zoocracy).

The Tradition
The following year, E. Bromley Groundhog made another prediction on 2 February. It, too, was an accurate prediction. In short order, it became an informal Winter tradition for Park Animals who were not hibernating to call on E. Bromley at his burrow in early February in order to hear his prediction for the coming Spring.

This went on until 57 BZ, when a delegation of Animals attended at E. Bromley’s burrow, only to discover that the venerable Groundhog had succumbed to old age. The delegation, at a loss for what to do, quickly appointed E. Bromley’s daughter and son to the post of “predictors.” In alternate years, the Groundhogs served as accurate “predictors,” until their children took over the job.

Eventually, the growing number of E. Bromley’s descendants caused there to be competition for the respected post of “predictor.” The Groundhogs began to engage in territorial wars and slanderous campaigns. In order to quell the rising tide of Groundhog anger, Park Archons decided to establish the title of Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) and to award it, every year, to their own choice of E. Bromley’s descendants.

The Controversy
Animals evolve. Politics evolve. New blood refreshes tired, old organs, old assumptions no longer seem viable, and old rules no longer hold sway. In 2003 (21 AZ), a group that called itself “Spring’s Unsprung Heroes” brought forth a legal challenge to The Park’s age-old practice of awarding the job of Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) to the descendants of E. Bromley Groundhog.

The Decision
In his landmark decision in that case, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court wrote that “The Park’s current practice [of awarding the job on the basis of heritage] is unacceptable in a modern Park.”

Peabody Q. Groundhog was allowed to fulfill his duties as 2003 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. Thereafter, the Judge ruled, the position would be decided in an open election held every year on 7 November. The date of 7 November was chosen as the date of the election because it allowed sufficient time for the winner to make preparations before the official hibernation date of 17 November.

Groundhog Day Today
Much has changed since the first elections were held for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS). Since 2006, The Park has welcomed the candidacy of Animals of other species and many believe it is only a matter of time before a non-Groundhog POPS makes the all-important prediction on February 2.

From the Personal to the Political
Groundhog Day has been an important occasion and a full-day holiday in The Park for many years. But, in 2005 (23AZ), the newly-selected Archons chose The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations as the venue for their first official speech. Since that time, each new set of Archons has chosen to reveal its plans for the coming year in a speech given by the Chief Archon at the Groundhog Day celebrations.

Further Reading
For more information on The Park’s Groundhogs, we recommend:

Me and My Shadow: A Groundhog’s Memoirs
by Nigel T. Groundhog
Birch Bark Books, 200 pages

From The Mammalian Daily’s review
“This is not a book about family pride… It is a deeply-felt and honestly-written portrayal of the trials of Animal migration, of the pain and loneliness of specism, and of the exquisite joy of success and acceptance after many years of frustration. In a Beaverlike fashion, the author gnaws away at Groundhog stereotypes and lays bare for us the burden that is borne by the prescient mammal.”

For the full review, click here.

The archival material used in the preparation of this article was made available to The Mammalian Daily by the Association of Distinct Hibernating Animals of The Park (ADHAP). We thank them for their generosity. We also gratefully acknowledge the assistance of members of The Park Historical Society, Gertrude C. Owl, Dean of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, University of West Terrier, the Department of History, University of West Terrier, and the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP).

Filed Under: Breaking News, Focus on, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction

Focus on: Sortition

January 17, 2013 By Riikard Havik, TMD Focus Reporter

January is the most important month in the political life of The Park. It is the month during which, every year, 35 Animals are selected and sworn in to serve as The Park’s leaders, or Archons. Together, these Archons will establish policies that will affect the lives of all who live in The Park.

Today, we focus on sortition, the process by which The Park’s Archons are selected.

ORIGIN
The Park’s 35 Archons are selected each year by a process known as sortition or the lottery or allotment method. This was the system put into place by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.

Sortition has its origins in some of the oldest Human societies. After completing an exhaustive study of ancient Human political systems, Jor concluded that the basic tenets of zoocracy would best be maintained through the use of sortition rather than by direct elections. With the assistance of a panel of consultants, Jor made modifications to some of the original rules of sortition and crafted the system that has been in continuous use since the establishment of zoocracy.

METHODOLOGY
The first step in the selection of Archons requires the cooperation of The Park’s citizens. By the end of November each year, all adult Park citizens are required to submit and confirm their names. Traditionally, all Animal names have included some reference to species. Third, fourth, and later generations may choose to drop this reference from their names, but some indication of species is required when Animals make their submission to stand as candidates for Archon to the Department of Political Administration (DPA). Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule. Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the DPA of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

On January 5 every year, these submitted names are divided into six groups, according to six Animal classes. These classes are: Amphibians, Birds, Fishes, Invertebrates, Mammals, and Reptiles. The names are then inscribed on cards and placed in one of six opaque boxes, according to Animal class. Each of the six boxes is shaken three times by three different members of the Department of Political Administration.

FINAL SELECTION
The final selection of Archons is made by seven Department of Political Administration staff members. The staff members must have been in the employ of the department for at least five years and have no record of criminal activity. The chosen staff members are required to swear an oath of “honest and impartial fulfillment of the task” and to sign a declaration of the same in front of two witnesses. Six of the staff members are blindfolded and asked to reach into each opaque box and to pull out one card from the box. This is done a total of five times to ensure that there are 30 Archons chosen and that each of the six Animal classes is represented by five Archons.

WILD CARD SPOTS
The cards that remain are placed together in one box and shaken three times more. The seventh staff member, blindfolded, chooses five more cards. These are the five “wild card spots” that fulfill the number of Archons required. There is no restriction on Animal class or species for these spots.

SELECTION OF CHIEF ARCHON
When the final selection of Archons has been made, the remaining cards bearing candidates’ names are destroyed. The cards with the names of the 35 new Archons are placed in one opaque box, which is, again, shaken three times. The name of the Chief Archon is selected from these cards by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

CERTIFICATION OF CHOICE
The choices of the 35 Archons, including that of the Chief Archon, is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF ARCHONS
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons is posted at the Law Courts on the morning of January 15 each year, ten days after the final selection has been made. In order for Park citizens and residents to review the names, the list remains posted until the end of the week. Any Park citizens who wish to contest the selection of any Archon or Archons may do so by submitting a formal contest form (Form 15C) to the Department of Political Administration. The deadline for Form 15C submissions is January 31.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Focus on

Focus on: Keeper of the Nut

November 12, 2012 By Riikard Havik, TMD Focus Reporter

The position of Keeper of the Nut dates back to pre-zoocratic times in The Park.

ORIGIN

The position of Keeper of the Nut was created in pre-zoocratic times.

Historians at the University of West Terrier believe that it began during the second wave of immigration to The Park. This was the era during which Park Animals needed to find ways to ensure that the many different species that had taken up residence here could live together in harmony.

“Peace, made possible by interspecial harmony, is one of the tenets of zoocracy. It is seen not only as an important aspiration, but as something that was and is attainable. It was foremost in Jor’s mind when he established zoocracy. But long before that, interspecial harmony was not an ideal; it was a necessity. Without some semblance of it, there would have been no Park in which to establish zoocracy. So, the rôle of Keeper of the Nut was a very important one in those early years,” says Beatrice Zilonis, a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.

FUNCTION
Originally, the position was called “Keeper of the Nuts.”

“This is a very important distinction,” says Clark Cascanueces, President of the Park Historical Society. “The plural marks the difference between real function and symbolism. Although there was, indeed, symbolism involved in the position, function was its most important aspect,” he says.

The Keeper of the Nuts was charged with the responsibility of guarding the property of those who went into hibernation.

“This was not as easy a task as it might seem,” says Cascanueces. “These were not lawful times; there was plenty of plotting and thievery going on in The Park. Hibernators (and estivators) were especially vulnerable to it. No institutions, such as banks, had yet been established. There was no organized storage and homes were makeshift. In a very real way, Animals were on their own,” Cascanueces says.

No one is sure how the rôle of Keeper of the Nuts began. Some theorize the rôle evolved through a series of what historians call “stages of trust.” Others believe that it was established through thievery, itself.

“What we do know,” says UWT’s Zilonis, “is that once it was established, it took. There was no going back. Little by little, Animals had found a way to trust those outside their own species and to use that trust to benefit themselves and others.”

SELECTION
In the beginning, it appears that the selection of Keeper of the Nut was made by Park elders, based upon the recommendations of a variety of Animal communities.

Today, final selection is made by ballots cast by the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). Based upon personal knowledge and the recommendations of Park citizens, the SAHC invites Animals to stand for the position. The right of refusal ensures that only those who wish to fulfill the rôle will be selected by the Community.

THE KEEPER IN LITERATURE
The first references to the rôle are found in early epic poetry. From these poems, we learn that there was more than one Keeper of the Nuts per season.

“That would make sense,” says Zilonis, “since they would check up on each other and that would reduce the likelihood of internal theft.”

The epic poems also tell us that the word “nuts” meant foodstuffs in general, rather than only nuts. Other foods are mentioned, including seeds, leaves, and certain mud mixes.

SYMBOLISM
Even at its most functional, the rôle of Keeper of the Nut held important symbolism for Park Animals. The rôle symbolizes the trust that Animals place in each other for their very survival.

Over the years, due to the establishment of zoocracy, organized storage, banking systems, and extra-hortulanial trade, the Keeper of the Nut has become more of a ceremonial  rôle. Its symbolism remains powerful, however, and while the “nut” is now less a symbol of food than it is of Animals’ hopes for The Park’s future, a recent Park survey indicated that the majority of Animals think first of survival when they think of the Keeper of the Nut.

SURRENDER OF THE NUT
“Historically, the Surrender of the Nut was a solemn occasion. It was a recognition not only of the harmony of the species, which is symbolized, of course, by the trust that Animals put in the Keeper of the Nut, but of the ephemeral nature of life, itself,” says Professor Zilonis. “Animals didn’t know whether they would wake from hibernation. And, if they did, they didn’t know what world they would find themselves in. They saw the surrender as just that — ceding control over their future. It has always been a very powerful moment for us.”

These days, while it remains a serious occasion, it is a celebratory one, as well.

“I think we’ve evolved to the point of being able to celebrate the unknown, at least to some extent,” Clark Cascanueces says. “I think we can surrender ourselves to the future, while acknowledging that there may not be one for some of us.”

—————————

The Surrender of the Nut occurs every year on November 14 at 11:00 in the morning.

The Mammalian Daily gratefully acknowledges the assistance of members of The Park Historical Society and the University of West Terrier Department of History in the preparation of this article.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Focus on, Park Life

Follow Us

  • X
  • Facebook
  • YouTube

Mammalian Daily-Related Sites

  • The Park Census
  • The Park Museum
  • The University of West Terrier

The Mammalian Daily on Twitter

  • Chef Tab Tricolore
  • Gunnar Rotte
  • Hieronymous Hedgehog
  • Mammalian Daily
  • Media's Month Without Metaphor
  • Millicent Hayberry
  • Noreen
  • Park Groundhog Day Celebrations
  • Pieter Paard
  • PIFF Reports
  • Yannis Tavros

Welcome to the Media Circus!

Looking for something?

Archives

How wise you are to read this newspaper!

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

TMD quick links

  • TMD 101: A quick guide to reading The Mammalian Daily
  • The Best of Noreen
  • Interviews
  • Take Our Quick Quizzes!
  • Nostalgia: Celebrating 1,000 articles!

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

May 2025
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  
« Apr    

Contents Copyright © 2025 The Mammalian Daily