The Mammalian Daily

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Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change

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PWO Budget Reconfiguration

The Park’s Weather Office has launched a formal complaint against The Finance Office after the release, last week, of its Expense Projections for 2012.

In a statement released this morning, the PWO charged that “a recent history of underfunding of weather in The Park has resulted in reduced crop sizes, diminished coats, domicile destruction and even, perhaps, a rise in Animal illnesses.”

While some of the charges might be difficult to prove, the PWO has authority on its side when it comes to reduced crop sizes and food shortages.

“The past few years have seen the worst harvests in The Park,” says A.P. Civet, of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).  “Not coincidentally, these were the years of cutbacks, when funding for weather purchases was at its lowest.  It may seem fine to those [Animals] in the Finance Office to replace rain with wind and to buy dull days by the pack, but you can’t grow food like that,” he said.

The Park Weather Officers don’t need convincing.  They have put together a counter-proposal, which they are hoping the Archons will review and send to the Finance Office for implementation.

“At the present time,” said a spokesAnimal for the Weather Office, “the weather budget comes out of the 11 per cent of the budget that is allocated for groundskeeping and water maintenance.  A measly 15% of that 11% total has been used for weather purchases.  We are proposing to more than double that amount to 35%.  We feel that figure will give us the leverage we need to buy the kind of weather that will result in abundant harvests.  The Park’s population is growing at an alarming rate and our [food] requirements are growing along with that. This is no time to be cutting back and risking more shortages,” the spokesAnimal said.

One Human dead, reporter held for questioning outside Park

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Insect Intelligencer reporter ZeeZee Legy

The Insect Intelligencer has confirmed that reporter, ZeeZee Legy, has been held for questioning outside The Park in connection with the death of a Human late last night. The dead Human, whose name has not yet been released by law enforcement, was one of two who suffered injuries last week.  The other was released from hospital three days ago.

In a statement released early this morning, The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, expressed her deepest sympathies for the family of the fallen Human and pledged the paper’s “full cooperation” in any investigation into the circumstances surrounding his death.

Reports claim that the two Humans fell ill suddenly outside their homes and were rushed to hospital.  Witnesses at the scene told police that five of the Intelligencer’s reporters were “hovering around” at the time and that at least two of them “had their probosces resting” on the Humans’ arms.

The five reporters fled the scene but were arrested inside The Park within hours of their return.  Only Legy remained outside The Park, where it was reported he had been visiting family while on vacation from the newspaper.

Legy, along with the other five reporters, work exclusively on the Intelligencer’s daily Fly on the Wall feature.  After the arrest of the five reporters, the newspaper’s publishers made the decision to cease publication temporarily.  The reporters were to have been formally charged on July 18, but a backlog in The Park’s court system has caused a delay in the matter.

Scandal rocks Insect Intelligencer

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The Insect Intelligencer, one of The Park’s oldest and most authoritative newspapers, has temporarily ceased publication in the wake of a scandal that has resulted in the arrest of five of its staff reporters.

The scandal, which broke over the weekend, involves five of the six journalists assigned to the newspaper’s Fly on the Wall feature.  The mixture of out-of-Park news, gossip, and speculation debuted in 26 AZ (2007) and was an instant success.  A year later, The Intelligencer’s editors made it a regular component of the paper, hiring six new journalists to feed its readership’s ever-increasing appetite for blood and dirt.

While, at first, the feature was considered entertaining and harmless, Fly on the Wall began to take on a more stinging tone and, last week, out-of-Park newspapers reported that two of the sources cited by the journalists had ended up in hospital.  One has since been released; the other remains in critical condition due to an undisclosed illness.

A spokesanimal for The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, expressed concern for their well-being, but stressed that no connection had, as yet, been established between the newspaper’s journalists and the health of their sources.

The five journalists are scheduled to appear in court this afternoon.

New conclusions confirm old theories: sighs matter!

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Sighs matter!

Such is the opinion of researchers at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, after they analyzed data from three extensive surveys of Animal morbidity and mortality.

The team of investigators, whose medical specialties include cardiology, trichology, neurology, and gastroenterology, examined the health outcomes of twenty-eight species of Animals in The Park. The results of the retrospective study will appear in their entirety this Autumn in the prestigious journal, Sanitas.

“This study is the first of its kind to examine sighs as a marker for disease,” said Dr. Adelaide Antelope, who heads the group of researchers.

A total number of four hundred and twenty-five Animals participated in the survey, which were conducted at UWT over a fifteen-year period. Although previous generations of physicians believed sighs to be of diagnostic and prognostic significance, that theory had fallen out of fashion by the year 8 AZ.

“Even though we continued to note sighs in the history-taking,” Dr. Antelope said, “the significance was more as an attendant behaviour rather than as a sign of more serious disease.”

According to Dr. Yazmina Yak, a senior member of the research team, sighs became an issue in the study when one particular investigator noted the frequency with which the term, “idiopathic exhalation” was used in the description of the mental state of patients who were found to suffer from serious illness.

Also among the group’s findings Dr. Antelope says, is a correlation between sighing and dying (see Figure 1 below).

“When we took a closer look at the outcomes of the sighers, we were astonished by what appeared to be an almost direct relationship,” he said.

Indeed, the study showed that Animals who presented with sighs and at least two other disease symptoms stood a seventy-two per cent greater chance of having an illness that could trigger death.

That statistic alone, says the research group, is enough to make any Animal sigh.

Star’s illness shuts down set of “Mixed Nuts”

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Lodgepole Productions has halted filming on the set of “Mixed Nuts” due to the ongoing health problems of its star, Millicent Hayberry.

In a press release issued this morning, the film’s Executive Producer, Victoria Sciurini, announced that filming had ceased “for the forseeable future” due to the hospitalization of the project’s star.

There has been no official announcement about the actress’s condition since she was bitten on the set by a fan and rushed to The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.  Initial reports stated she was in stable condition and under observation.  Later, rumours began to circulate that she had contracted a deadly disease from the bite.  The actress’s representatives refused to comment on the rumours.

One source close to the actress said she was experiencing a high fever and tremors and that doctors had commenced a course of pharmaceutical therapy that would “take several weeks to complete”.

A spokesanimal for film company said they are committed to completing the project with Millicent Hayberry and that they eagerly await her return to good health.

Expense Projections show high cost of Park security

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Park Expense Projections 2012The release of The Park’s Expense Projections for the coming year has put into sharp focus the high cost of securing the safety of Animals in The Park.

The budgetary figures, which were released this morning by The Park’s Finance Office, offer a window into the challenges faced by administrators when it comes to guarding the lives and property of Park residents.

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand,” said Park Finance Officer, Milton Struts, when questioned about the high cost of security at a press conference following the release of the figures.

“We live in a turbulent world…in which the mood can change in a flash. That is the new reality, and we have to be prepared for the consequences of that reality,” he said.

The “new reality” that The Park faces is expensive, and accounts for a projected increase of 25 per cent over this year for services such as The Park Police, the Ant Security and Intelligence Agency, and The Park’s Guard Dogs.  While some increase in security may be warranted, many of those poring over the figures at the press conference worried openly about the effect the increase will have on the quality of life in The Park.

“Our resources are limited and if so much goes to the Guard Dogs, what will be left for the enjoyment of life?” asked one Park resident at the conference.

New social networking site to offer scent option

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gewpergreenlogoPark Animals who use social networking sites to connect with friends and family will soon be able to avail themselves of a new option. If all goes well with its final tweaking, gewper, set to open its virtual doors on August 1, will offer users the ability to smell those they know and those they might wish to know in the future.

Over a period of more than two years, RhinoTech, Inc., the new site’s developer, has been collaborating with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, to create what company executives are calling “the ultimate Animal experience in the virtual world.”

“This new site is nothing short of revolutionary,” said a RhinoTech spokesAnimal at a press conference last week.

“For the first time in history, a [social networking] site will be Animal-centric…able to deliver the kind of information that Animals have been asking for and need,” she said.

gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) will allow members to upload their scent to the site’s servers. Those whom members have designated as having the right to do so will be able to download the scent from the site simply by pressing the “Scent” button.

Membership in the site will be free of charge, the spokesanimal confirmed, as will be the scent download.  The site’s developers believe that gewper will be so successful that it will generate enough advertising revenue in its first year to pay for their next online venture: a site that will allow members to touch each other, literally, across cyberspace.  According to RhinoTech, the desire for that feature tops the list in its most recent consumer survey.

“I know many Animals who would just love to be able to butt heads with their friends across the world,” said the RhinoTech spokesAnimal.

Altercation with fan sends Millicent Hayberry to hospital

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Actress Millicent Hayberry, star of Mixed Nuts

Beloved Park actress, Millicent Hayberry, is said to be “resting comfortably, though still in shock” after she was rushed to hospital after a violent encounter with what some have described as a “rabid” fan.

The incident occurred early this morning on the set of the film, “Mixed Nuts.” Observers told The Mammalian Daily that the actress, who is in The Park shooting the film adaptation of her successful stage play, was on a break outside her burrow when a Fox dashed across the set and bit her on the neck.  After the Fox was subdued by members of the film crew, emergency workers swept Hayberry up and rushed her to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Park Police have not yet released the name of the offender, who is being held at the police station until charges have been laid.  Those familiar with the Fox, however, say that this morning’s violent act is “completely out of character” for him.  One neighbour, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that she knew “for a fact” that the Fox was a great fan of the actress and that he would not, ordinarily, hurt her.

“Something must have gotten into him,” the neighbour said.

Meanwhile, sources at Park General say that, though the actress is doing well, she will be kept there under observation for a few days.

“We want to make sure that the bite is healing and that Hayberry is free of viruses before we release her,” said a spokesanimal for the hospital.

While questions remain regarding the extent of the injury and whether the actress will require reparative surgery before she can continue her work, her colleagues at the film set say they are confident that filming will resume within the next few days.

“Millicent is a trouper,” says director Donald Merriami.  “She’ll come back quickly — and be even stronger,” he said.

Leaked papers link UWT researchers to social experiment

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top secretTop Secret documents leaked to The Mammalian Daily reveal that members of The Park’s Finance Office enlisted the aid of researchers at the University of West Terrier in an attempt to engineer a social experiment in The Park.

The documents, which the newspaper has had in its possession for two weeks, reveal that in the summer of 26 AZ (2008), high level functionaries in the Park Finance Office (PFO) approached researchers in the departments of chemistry and zoology at UWT to produce a serum that would inhibit hibernation and estivation.

The goal of the Finance Office’s plan, which was known internally as “Operation Wakey-Wakey,” was to stimulate the sagging Park economy by “chemically encouraging” the entire population to engage in commerce year-round.

The plan went awry when a number of groups representing hibernators began to suspect that they were being scapeGoated.  In late Autumn 26 AZ (2008), the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) filed a formal complaint against the Finance Office for repeatedly referring to the economic slowdown as “hibernation-related.”

Fearing that publicity regarding the complaint would shed light on their plan, the PFO suspended Operation Wakey-Wakey early in the Winter of 27 AZ (2009).  The documents suggest, however, that several versions of the serum were developed at UWT during the time the Operation was active, but it is unknown whether any serum was ever tested on live Animals.

Neither the University of West Terrier nor The Park’s Finance Office has released any statement regarding this matter.

University of West Terrier to open new academic department

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The University of West Terrier announced today that it has entered into a partnership agreement with Leonardo Language and Culture Institute to offer courses through its new Department of Interspecial Studies.

In a joint statement released today, the presidents of both schools praised the officials who negotiated the agreement and said they look forward to a long and happy alliance.

“This is the first time in Park history that two academic institutions have put aside their differences and agreed to collaborate for the sake of the betterment of our mutual student body. We look forward to a long and happy alliance through which we hope to offer a new perspective while meeting the educational needs of our present and future students,” the statement read.

A spokesanimal for UWT acknowledged that the driving force behind the establishment of the new department was “a new generation of students” whose profound interest in other species and their languages was not well served by UWT’s limited course offerings.

“It has been apparent for some time that the interests of the new generation of students have not been wholly served by the traditional courses offered here [UWT],” the spokesanimal said.  “We have chosen to rise to that challenge and we hope, through this new department, to be able to convince students, both present and future, that UWT is the best place to study and grow academically.”

According to a report released last week by The Park’s Department of Education, enrollment in institutions of higher learning has increased over the past five years.  Enrollment at UWT, however, has decreased by three per cent over the last two years.  Enrollment in specialized colleges, such as the Leonardo Language and Cultural Institute, has increased by seven per cent over the last two years.

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