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Court approves continuance of 2010 Archons

July 4, 2011 By TMD Reporters

Park ArchonsAcknowledging the need for stability and continuity following this year’s calendar harmonization, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon has granted a continuance of one full year to The Park’s current Archons.

In his ruling, which was handed down early this morning, the Superior Court Justice expressed the opinion that continuity would best be served by allowing those “who were the authors of such profound change in The Park to complete their mission before passing the torch to others.”

According to the Court statement, the ruling back-dates the Archons’ term to January 2011, thus allowing the 35 law makers six more months to aid Park residents in their transition to the new calendar.

A spokesanimal for the Archons said they were “pleased” with today’s ruling.

“This will allow [the Archons] to continue on their journey to modernize The Park and bring it up to speed in order to meet the challenges that the next years will bring,” the spokesanimal said.

The 2010 Archons’ ambitious agenda, of which calendar harmonization was the first component, includes immigration reform, support for Park businesses and, possibly, the introduction of taxation.

 

Filed Under: Breaking News, Politics/Law/Crime

The Mammalian Daily “Lightens The Morning Cup o’ Gloom,” says Margaret Atwood

March 1, 2011 By TMD Reporters

    Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Bleeding Obvious May 2016

Bleeding Obvious April 2016 (1)

Bleeding Obvious March 2016

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bleeding Obvious December

November Proper

 

 

 

 

October Stuff and Nonsense

 

 

September

Filed Under: Accolades, Breaking News

TMD reporters to blog live from Groundhog Day celebrations

February 2, 2011 By Juho Morsk, TMD Media Reporter

Groundhog Day blogger
In a statement released today, The Mammalian Daily confirmed that it will be sending some of its reporters to blog live from The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations on 2 February.

“The Mammalian Daily is seeking to amplify the amount of fun of Park residents at the annual Groundhog Day Festival by hosting a live blog to report on events as they happen in different areas of The Park. This should allow our residents to enjoy virtually everything the Festival has to offer this year,” part of the statement read.
This is the second year that the newspaper has committed a part of its staff to reporting live from the annual celebration.

According to a TMD spokesanimal, the blog was up and running as of 26 January. The blog can be found at: http://www.groundhogdayinthepark.wordpress.com

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Media, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

Archons to move forward on calendar harmonization

March 14, 2010 By TMD Reporters


Less than two months into their term, The Park’s 28 AZ Archons are poised to enact legislation that many believe will forever alter life in The Park.

The announcement came in a press release issued today, just minutes after the Archons emerged from meetings that ran into the wee hours of the morning.

According to the press release, the Archons intend to enact legislation “before the end of the middle of Varrah” to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of Animals (including Humans) who live outside The Park.

Critics of the proposed legislation believe that the Archons are bowing to pressure from business groups within The Park, while those in favour of harmonization see it as an essential first step in the creation of “The New Park.”

“Once again, I think, we’re going to see Animals pitted against Animals in the struggle for survival,” said Winston Whistlepig, founder and current president of The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). “But the old ways are working against us, now. This time, there’s no turning back. It’s do or die.”

Whistlepig’s group began lobbying for calendar harmonization in 25 AZ. The idea did not gain real momentum, however, until The Park experienced a full-blown economic crisis in 27 AZ. The effects of that crisis are still being felt throughout The Park and the 28 AZ Archons began their term with a promise to end the hardship that many Animals have experienced for over a year.

The Archons’ ambitious agenda, of which calendar harmonization is the first component, includes immigration reform, support for Park businesses and, possibly, the introduction of taxation.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Politics/Law/Crime

Lab rage ends in violence at UWT

March 3, 2010 By TMD Reporters

Park Police say they blame personality conflicts among laboratory staff members at the University of West Terrier’s Faculty of Dentistry for the recent spate of violence that resulted in the deaths yesterday afternoon of 11 laboratory volunteers. The dead include six Onions, four Carrots, and a Radish.

Investigators believe the victims were resting comfortably in their chambers following the completion of an experiment in the Faculty’s laboratory when they were fatally attacked. Laboratory volunteers are required to rest for a period of at least one hour before leaving the University’s campus.

Although the Police have not named any suspects, they confirmed that they are, at present, investigating laboratory staff.

“There is no doubt in our minds that the victims knew their attackers,” Chief Inspector Martin of the Murder Investigations Unit said at a press conference held yesterday.

All 11 victims were members of a group that volunteers its services to UWT researchers. The group, which calls itself Produce for Progress, issued a short statement late last night:

“We are deeply saddened by the events that took place at the University of West Terrier and we mourn for the victims and their families. While we have confidence in the Police and look forward to the results of their investigation, we feel it necessary to advise our members to cease their voluntary activities until such time as the perpetrator or perpetrators of this crime are apprehended.”

This morning, UWT’s Faculty of Dentistry issued a press release condemning the violent attack and assuring the University community, as well as Park citizens, that they will cooperate fully in the investigation. In the meantime, according to the press release, the Faculty has halted the experiment in which the victims were involved.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education

Thousands rally against calendar harmonization

March 3, 2010 By TMD Reporters


Thousands of Animals flooded The Park’s grounds today to demonstrate their opposition to new legislation that many believe will negatively affect life in The Park.

The legislation, whose formal name is “The Calendar Harmonization Act” (“An Act to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of the calendar or calendars used outside The Park and to amend certain Acts in consequence thereof”) is scheduled to come into effect later this month. According to the 28 AZ Archons’ latest press release, however, “the full impact of the Act will not be felt in The Park until 29 AZ.”

Although there has been much discussion about a change to a harmonized calendar, Park citizens were taken by surprise this month when the Archons announced their plans to act on the idea. That announcement has resulted in a spate of criticism from a number of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

“We’re all for change, but this is too sudden and too soon,” declared Carlisle Chameleon, whose group, Lizards for Liberty, was well-represented at the rally.

“We believe in change, but in a more gradual way and we think the citizenry should have a chance to respond when it’s a change as big as this,” he said.

That sentiment was echoed by members of other groups who were in attendance. Rowena Goose, president of the vocal Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies (APIC), told The Mammalian Daily that her group is adamantly opposed to any kind of harmonization.

“It’s just a first step, but that step leads downhill, mark my words. Next, it will be currency amalgamation, then currency harmonization and, before you know it, there will tail croppings, stripe swappings, our dams will be torpedoed, and you’ll see Humans living in The Park. They say it’s for the good of commerce, but it will do us no good — that’s for sure,” she said.

Not all Park Animals are against the new law, however. Mason L. Tortoise, head of the Small Animal Reform Group, says he believes a harmonized calendar is “the only reasonable response to an ever-changing world that is opening up all around us.”

Noticeably absent from the demonstration today were several groups representing The Park’s hibernating communities. A spokesanimal for the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), said his members appreciated the fact that the Archons had waited until the end of hibernation to make the announcement.

“If they’d wanted to be devious about it, they’d have done it during hibernation, when a significant portion of The Park’s population was asleep. Instead, they waited, so I don’t see why some Animals think they’re trying to put one over on us,” he said.

For their part, the Archons say they are committed to providing full disclosure of the contents of the legislation. Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, confirmed today that plans are underway to conduct several “open meetings” with Park residents to enable them to understand the changes that are about to happen.

“This is a step-by-step process and we plan to offer a step-by-step explanation of it,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Politics/Law/Crime

Groundhog Day violence eclipses Archons’ message of hope

February 3, 2010 By TMD Crime Reporters

One of the Animals jailed after Groundhog Day violence

An outbreak of violence during an otherwise peaceful demonstration threatened to mar Groundhog Day festivities and overshadow the message of hope and renewal delivered by the Archons in their annual address.

The demonstration, which was held to protest The Park’s policy of open immigration, began outside the Law Courts at approximately 08:30, just minutes after the Archons concluded their address.

Participants described the demonstration as “initially peaceful,” until a particularly aggressive groups of Animals, wielding heavy placards, hijacked the cause and “beat up on the [other] participants.”

“It got ugly pretty quick,” said Randall Rhinoceros, a protester who was taken to the Park Hospital with injuries to his feet and snout.

While hundreds of Animals were treated for their injuries as a result of the violence, there are reports that some injured Animals were hauled off to jail before they received any treatment at all. Some of those involved blame the Guard Dogs for a substantial number of the injuries that were incurred in the demonstration.

“They were too quick off the mark, as far as I’m concerned,” said Yvonne Aardvark. “They didn’t wait to find out who was causing the trouble. They just rounded everybody up and sent them to jail.”

An investigation into the incident is underway, according to The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace, Raymond H. Mink.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction

28 AZ Archons announced

January 10, 2010 By TMD Reporters

With little fanfare, the names of the 35 Animals who will form the 28 AZ Park government were released today.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning. In order for Park citizens and residents to review the names, the list will remain posted until the end of the week, a spokesanimal for the Archon Transition Team told The Mammalian Daily. Those who are unable to attend at the Law Courts may click here to review the list.

The Archons, who were selected through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place at 10:00 on 16 Proto. Thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Politics/Law/Crime

Popular Park restaurant shut down by health inspectors

October 9, 2009 By TMD Reporters

ClosedThe popular Park restaurant, The Compost Heap, was shut down by health inspectors early this morning after several of its patrons fell ill on Tuesday.

Seven Animals, who describe themselves as “regulars” at the 24-hour eating establishment, reported feeling “violently ill” and were taken, separately, by the Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital. All were treated for gastrointestinal problems. Two Animals remain in hospital, while the other five have returned to their abodes.

According to Inspector Konrad Eule, head of The Park’s Commercial Food Safety Bureau (CFSB), the Animals fell ill several hours after ingesting food served at the restaurant. Inspector Eule said his agency, which has close ties to The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety, is treating the incident as a food safety issue unless it uncovers evidence of suspicious or criminal activity.

“We are currently investigating with regard to food preparation and storage, but we have sent samples to the laboratory for testing and we are on alert for signs of tampering,” he said at a press conference held this morning. He dismissed rumours that chemicals were found in the food and criticized such statements as “inflammatory and, generally, unhelpful.”

At the press conference, the restaurant’s manager, Winifred D. Raccoon, reading from a prepared statement, said that the restaurant “values its clientele beyond measure” and will do everything in its power to ensure that its food is safe. The restaurant’s owner, Gilbert Bartholomew Ratte, was not available for comment.

Asked whether the incident would affect The Park’s upcoming food festivals and other celebrations, the Inspector said he did not believe there was any reason to delay any events “unless and until we receive results that would prompt such action.” He warned, however, that even though most food establishments adhere to The Park’s strict safety code, Animals should always be vigilant when eating away from home.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life

Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Cricket Ball

September 26, 2009 By TMD Balls Columnist Bailey

Today’s ball is the CRICKET ball.

The cricket ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the Mediaeval period, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the cricket ball was first employed by Dogs as a tool in the annual harvesting of the fields in Mediaeval Africa.

Scholars familiar with the period cite the drama of the time, commonly known as “Meerakle Plays,” as evidence that the balls were regularly used for two purposes: the harvesting of cotton and, later, protecting the farm against thieving Meerkats in the area.

The balls, which were constructed of cork from the northern part of Africa, are believed to have been transported to the south for the purpose of harvesting cotton. This the Dogs did by rolling the balls over the cotton as it lay in mounds on the ground, after it had been picked off the bush. As the balls picked up the cotton, they grew larger and larger until they became impossible to roll. The farmers, then, collected the balls, removed the mass of cotton from the cork base, and tossed them back to the Dogs. This tossing action scared the Meerkats and the farm Dogs soon began to use this method to secure the fields. The Dogs tossed the balls, first with their paws and, later, with branches and twigs that they collected from nearby trees.

Centuries later, after cotton harvesting became automated and other methods were used to secure the farms, the tossing of the cricket ball remained a popular pastime among the farm Dogs.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the cricket ball.

Sources: MeerStories and Mediaeval Meerakle Plays; Farming in the Middle Ages; Domestic Chronicles of the Middle Ages,Volume 9, Farming; Farming and Manufacture from Their Beginnings Until Today, Volume 3, Balls; If Balls Could Talk; Ballieving; Follow the Bouncing Ball: How Dogs Introduced Balls to the Human World; various newspaper articles and reports.

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

Filed Under: Breaking News Tagged With: History of the Cricket Ball, let's talk balls, Sports

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