The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Ask a Poodle: Collar ID

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DEAR POODLE: I am wondering what your opinion is of the latest fashion accessory for Dogs (and other Animals) – by that I mean collars that have name tags hanging from them.

I was given one as a gift, but I can’t bring myself to wear it. I have a friend who thinks I’m daft. She says that they are not only beautiful, but they are practical, as well.

What do you think?

– TRADITIONALIST

DEAR TRADITIONALIST: There are, of course, at least two sides to every story (as well as to the name tags hanging on these collars), and as many opinions as there are Animals.

But, as far as I’m concerned, this is one of the most demeaning trends in fashion The Park has ever seen. I also find it quite baffling that this fad has taken hold in the same year that we are celebrating 25 years of Animal self-rule.

These items hearken back to a time when all Animals were the chattel of Humans. Despite our best efforts, this is still a reality for many Animals and we would be much better off wearing a tag that called for their emancipation than acting as though we have all risen above this sad and shameful part of our past.

As for the practicality of wearing our identities around our necks (as opposed to our hearts on our sleeves), I don’t find this argument compelling. Nor do I believe that our young should be encouraged to sport a look that shouts “I Am Property!”

And, as for the aspect of beauty, there are many things more beautiful than an ID tag – namely, freedom, respect, and Animal dignity.

Ask a Poodle is a regular feature of The Mammlian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for the Poodle, please e-mail it to her at askapoodle@mammaliandaily.com. We regret that the Poodle cannot send responses directly to you.

Feral Four release lyrics to controversial new song

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The popular Park musical group, The Feral Four, has released the lyrics to its controversial new song several months ahead of the original schedule.

Giuseppe, Giancarlo, and the Cross-Eyed Guy, had already become a hot topic on social media, as Animals posted harsh criticisms of it on Gewper and GooseBook even before they knew all the song’s lyrics.

One Gewper member, who goes by the name of “Due Claus” called it “an affront to Feline sensibilities,” while another accused the group of “sycophantic tendencies that should be treated before they become accepted in The Park.”

The group’s manager, however, shrugs off the criticism.

“It all comes with the territory. Animals are sensitive about their relationships with Humans…and rightly so. But the song is definitely not sycophantic with regard to Humans. It is meant to depict life in the Feral Feline community outside The Park and I think it does that quite well.”

A big part or the controversy over the song stems from the fact that the group has fashioned the lyrics to the rhythm of a song that was written by a Human.

“This is the first time that Park musicians have done such a thing…it’s bound to cause a stir,” says Angus Katydid, head of the Association of Park Radio Stations (APRS).

While most members of The Park’s musical community have chosen not to comment on the song, The Cynics sent this message to the group, through their manager, Damien Skyle:

“You know it’s authentic when it causes an uproar. Go the distance and don’t back down!”

Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study

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The latest economic figures released by The Park’s Finance Office indicate that Animals whose coats are striped or spotted have a tougher time securing full-time employment than those with coats of solid or mixed colours.

The 2011 statistics, known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats” were compiled for Finance Office use by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. Their release today caused an uproar among Animals of every stripe.

“This paints a very bleak picture of Park life and attitudes” said Aiofe Badger, current President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band and a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. “This is not the kind of [economic] result that Jor would have been proud of.”

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said the figures came as no surprise to her. “Some of our members have a terrible time finding work and they all know why, even though they can’t prove it,” she said.

Dominick Skiro, of The Park Alliance of Chipmunks, called the statistics “a crushing disappointment” and “something that challenges our belief in The Park’s system.”

At The Tabby Club, though, (the pub established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy), there was much frustration but little surprise among the clientele.

“I think Jor had the right idea…the right vision, being a Tabby, himself,” said Donal Ronnach. “But it’s obviously still just an ideal. It’s hard to overcome old prejudices.”

Prejudice against stripes and spots dates back thousands of years, says historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.

“Not surprisingly, it started with Humans and and the way they treated striped and spotted Animals,” she says. “They were suspicious of them, considered them evil and the bearers of bad luck. That kind of thinking eventually made its way into the minds of Animals and this is the result.”

But, at The Tabby Club, no one cares very much how it all began.

“The most important thing is that it should come to an end,” says Ronnach. “Right now.”

 

Poetry month continues

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Today’s poem is by Marcel-Marcelle T. Snail, Jr., who is best known in The Park as one of the founders of the Slow Art Movement (SAM).

 

 SnailMale
HermaphroDart

Whose conquest is this, anyway?
Our species will survive,
no matter who claims victory.
Still, my male half-self takes aim
to overpower you,
to shower you,
with love darts
from the heart.

More Park poetry

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Today’s poetry selection is by Aubrey Ant, a seventh generation Park citizen.

If the Shoe Fits

In the distance
your fair voice calls me –
traversing walkways, skirting cracks,
you steer me home.
Then I see it:
so large,
yet carefully crafted.
Fuzzy velcro at its side.
Now it is dark.
He, the wearer, calls out to you,
but you cannot hear him.
His voice, teases,
singing
“Family man?”

April is Poetry Month

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April is “Poetry Month” in the Human world and that has inspired us to publish some of the most beautiful poems that Park Animals have written.

Today’s entry is by Pietro Parrot, an outspoken member of The Park’s Avian community. Pietro’s work has appeared in The Mammalian Daily (Issue #110), as well as in Poetance and other Park poetry journals.

 

Polly: Wanna Cracker?

  and all thoughts
of heaven and earth
diminish
then converge
upon us

in our loneliness
and grief
at being struck
by mediocrity

The Park’s “Share the Hair Shake for Charity” happens today!

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The Groundhog has spoken, The Park’s hibernating community has awakened, and Spring has sprung!

So, what’s next on the agenda? The Park’s semi-annual Shake for Charity, of course!

Come on! Get up and out of your lodges, dens, burrows, coops, kennels, lairs, sties, pens, or wherever you live and shake yourself silly for the benefit of others!

Volunteers from The Park’s various charities will be on hand to collect hair at the Wishing Well until midnight tonight. Refreshments will be available, as well, courtesy of The Compost Heap and Florette’s Fine Edibles.

So, come one, come all! If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t!

Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park

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A record number of unemployed Animals have left The Park to take jobs as domestic companions to Humans

The sluggish economy is taking its toll on the professional and personal lives of Park citizens.

“The situation is dire,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier and author of a new report on the economy entitled, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able.”

The report, which analyzed economic and employment data gathered by The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, paints a gloomy  picture of the future unless immediate action is taken.

According to the report, recent statistics show that a record number of Animals have had to leave their homes and families in the past year to seek work outside The Park.

“The Park is simply not generating a sufficient number of jobs for its population,” says Dr. Cissa. “As a consequence, we are losing our best and brightest…the skilled and the most diligent. And Humans are the ones who are benefitting.”

Indeed, figures cited in the report indicate that, out of financial necessity, a great many Animals have been forced to take jobs as “domestic companions” to Humans outside The Park.

“This is tragic on so many levels,” says Cissa. “These are Animals who were trained and educated at institutions in The Park, Animals who were promised a better life than their ancestors had. These are Animals who believed in the Promise of The Park, and who believed that Animals would never have to serve Humans again. They’ve been betrayed by the economy and they are starting to question their commitment to The Park, itself. It is a very challenging situation.”

Dr. Cissa’s report is scheduled to be presented to the Archons’ full assembly on Tuesday.

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