The Mammalian Daily

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Expense Projections show high cost of Park security

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Park Expense Projections 2012The release of The Park’s Expense Projections for the coming year has put into sharp focus the high cost of securing the safety of Animals in The Park.

The budgetary figures, which were released this morning by The Park’s Finance Office, offer a window into the challenges faced by administrators when it comes to guarding the lives and property of Park residents.

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand,” said Park Finance Officer, Milton Struts, when questioned about the high cost of security at a press conference following the release of the figures.

“We live in a turbulent world…in which the mood can change in a flash. That is the new reality, and we have to be prepared for the consequences of that reality,” he said.

The “new reality” that The Park faces is expensive, and accounts for a projected increase of 25 per cent over this year for services such as The Park Police, the Ant Security and Intelligence Agency, and The Park’s Guard Dogs.  While some increase in security may be warranted, many of those poring over the figures at the press conference worried openly about the effect the increase will have on the quality of life in The Park.

“Our resources are limited and if so much goes to the Guard Dogs, what will be left for the enjoyment of life?” asked one Park resident at the conference.

New social networking site to offer scent option

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gewpergreenlogoPark Animals who use social networking sites to connect with friends and family will soon be able to avail themselves of a new option. If all goes well with its final tweaking, gewper, set to open its virtual doors on August 1, will offer users the ability to smell those they know and those they might wish to know in the future.

Over a period of more than two years, RhinoTech, Inc., the new site’s developer, has been collaborating with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, to create what company executives are calling “the ultimate Animal experience in the virtual world.”

“This new site is nothing short of revolutionary,” said a RhinoTech spokesAnimal at a press conference last week.

“For the first time in history, a [social networking] site will be Animal-centric…able to deliver the kind of information that Animals have been asking for and need,” she said.

gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) will allow members to upload their scent to the site’s servers. Those whom members have designated as having the right to do so will be able to download the scent from the site simply by pressing the “Scent” button.

Membership in the site will be free of charge, the spokesanimal confirmed, as will be the scent download.  The site’s developers believe that gewper will be so successful that it will generate enough advertising revenue in its first year to pay for their next online venture: a site that will allow members to touch each other, literally, across cyberspace.  According to RhinoTech, the desire for that feature tops the list in its most recent consumer survey.

“I know many Animals who would just love to be able to butt heads with their friends across the world,” said the RhinoTech spokesAnimal.

Altercation with fan sends Millicent Hayberry to hospital

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Actress Millicent Hayberry, star of Mixed Nuts

Beloved Park actress, Millicent Hayberry, is said to be “resting comfortably, though still in shock” after she was rushed to hospital after a violent encounter with what some have described as a “rabid” fan.

The incident occurred early this morning on the set of the film, “Mixed Nuts.” Observers told The Mammalian Daily that the actress, who is in The Park shooting the film adaptation of her successful stage play, was on a break outside her burrow when a Fox dashed across the set and bit her on the neck.  After the Fox was subdued by members of the film crew, emergency workers swept Hayberry up and rushed her to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Park Police have not yet released the name of the offender, who is being held at the police station until charges have been laid.  Those familiar with the Fox, however, say that this morning’s violent act is “completely out of character” for him.  One neighbour, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that she knew “for a fact” that the Fox was a great fan of the actress and that he would not, ordinarily, hurt her.

“Something must have gotten into him,” the neighbour said.

Meanwhile, sources at Park General say that, though the actress is doing well, she will be kept there under observation for a few days.

“We want to make sure that the bite is healing and that Hayberry is free of viruses before we release her,” said a spokesanimal for the hospital.

While questions remain regarding the extent of the injury and whether the actress will require reparative surgery before she can continue her work, her colleagues at the film set say they are confident that filming will resume within the next few days.

“Millicent is a trouper,” says director Donald Merriami.  “She’ll come back quickly — and be even stronger,” he said.

Leaked papers link UWT researchers to social experiment

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top secretTop Secret documents leaked to The Mammalian Daily reveal that members of The Park’s Finance Office enlisted the aid of researchers at the University of West Terrier in an attempt to engineer a social experiment in The Park.

The documents, which the newspaper has had in its possession for two weeks, reveal that in the summer of 26 AZ (2008), high level functionaries in the Park Finance Office (PFO) approached researchers in the departments of chemistry and zoology at UWT to produce a serum that would inhibit hibernation and estivation.

The goal of the Finance Office’s plan, which was known internally as “Operation Wakey-Wakey,” was to stimulate the sagging Park economy by “chemically encouraging” the entire population to engage in commerce year-round.

The plan went awry when a number of groups representing hibernators began to suspect that they were being scapeGoated.  In late Autumn 26 AZ (2008), the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) filed a formal complaint against the Finance Office for repeatedly referring to the economic slowdown as “hibernation-related.”

Fearing that publicity regarding the complaint would shed light on their plan, the PFO suspended Operation Wakey-Wakey early in the Winter of 27 AZ (2009).  The documents suggest, however, that several versions of the serum were developed at UWT during the time the Operation was active, but it is unknown whether any serum was ever tested on live Animals.

Neither the University of West Terrier nor The Park’s Finance Office has released any statement regarding this matter.

University of West Terrier to open new academic department

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The University of West Terrier announced today that it has entered into a partnership agreement with Leonardo Language and Culture Institute to offer courses through its new Department of Interspecial Studies.

In a joint statement released today, the presidents of both schools praised the officials who negotiated the agreement and said they look forward to a long and happy alliance.

“This is the first time in Park history that two academic institutions have put aside their differences and agreed to collaborate for the sake of the betterment of our mutual student body. We look forward to a long and happy alliance through which we hope to offer a new perspective while meeting the educational needs of our present and future students,” the statement read.

A spokesanimal for UWT acknowledged that the driving force behind the establishment of the new department was “a new generation of students” whose profound interest in other species and their languages was not well served by UWT’s limited course offerings.

“It has been apparent for some time that the interests of the new generation of students have not been wholly served by the traditional courses offered here [UWT],” the spokesanimal said.  “We have chosen to rise to that challenge and we hope, through this new department, to be able to convince students, both present and future, that UWT is the best place to study and grow academically.”

According to a report released last week by The Park’s Department of Education, enrollment in institutions of higher learning has increased over the past five years.  Enrollment at UWT, however, has decreased by three per cent over the last two years.  Enrollment in specialized colleges, such as the Leonardo Language and Cultural Institute, has increased by seven per cent over the last two years.

Court approves continuance of 2010 Archons

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Park ArchonsAcknowledging the need for stability and continuity following this year’s calendar harmonization, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon has granted a continuance of one full year to The Park’s current Archons.

In his ruling, which was handed down early this morning, the Superior Court Justice expressed the opinion that continuity would best be served by allowing those “who were the authors of such profound change in The Park to complete their mission before passing the torch to others.”

According to the Court statement, the ruling back-dates the Archons’ term to January 2011, thus allowing the 35 law makers six more months to aid Park residents in their transition to the new calendar.

A spokesanimal for the Archons said they were “pleased” with today’s ruling.

“This will allow [the Archons] to continue on their journey to modernize The Park and bring it up to speed in order to meet the challenges that the next years will bring,” the spokesanimal said.

The 2010 Archons’ ambitious agenda, of which calendar harmonization was the first component, includes immigration reform, support for Park businesses and, possibly, the introduction of taxation.

 

TMD reporters to blog live from Groundhog Day celebrations

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Groundhog Day blogger
In a statement released today, The Mammalian Daily confirmed that it will be sending some of its reporters to blog live from The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations on 2 February.

“The Mammalian Daily is seeking to amplify the amount of fun of Park residents at the annual Groundhog Day Festival by hosting a live blog to report on events as they happen in different areas of The Park. This should allow our residents to enjoy virtually everything the Festival has to offer this year,” part of the statement read.
This is the second year that the newspaper has committed a part of its staff to reporting live from the annual celebration.

According to a TMD spokesanimal, the blog was up and running as of 26 January. The blog can be found at: http://www.groundhogdayinthepark.wordpress.com

Archons to move forward on calendar harmonization

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Less than two months into their term, The Park’s 28 AZ Archons are poised to enact legislation that many believe will forever alter life in The Park.

The announcement came in a press release issued today, just minutes after the Archons emerged from meetings that ran into the wee hours of the morning.

According to the press release, the Archons intend to enact legislation “before the end of the middle of Varrah” to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of Animals (including Humans) who live outside The Park.

Critics of the proposed legislation believe that the Archons are bowing to pressure from business groups within The Park, while those in favour of harmonization see it as an essential first step in the creation of “The New Park.”

“Once again, I think, we’re going to see Animals pitted against Animals in the struggle for survival,” said Winston Whistlepig, founder and current president of The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). “But the old ways are working against us, now. This time, there’s no turning back. It’s do or die.”

Whistlepig’s group began lobbying for calendar harmonization in 25 AZ. The idea did not gain real momentum, however, until The Park experienced a full-blown economic crisis in 27 AZ. The effects of that crisis are still being felt throughout The Park and the 28 AZ Archons began their term with a promise to end the hardship that many Animals have experienced for over a year.

The Archons’ ambitious agenda, of which calendar harmonization is the first component, includes immigration reform, support for Park businesses and, possibly, the introduction of taxation.

Lab rage ends in violence at UWT

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Park Police say they blame personality conflicts among laboratory staff members at the University of West Terrier’s Faculty of Dentistry for the recent spate of violence that resulted in the deaths yesterday afternoon of 11 laboratory volunteers. The dead include six Onions, four Carrots, and a Radish.

Investigators believe the victims were resting comfortably in their chambers following the completion of an experiment in the Faculty’s laboratory when they were fatally attacked. Laboratory volunteers are required to rest for a period of at least one hour before leaving the University’s campus.

Although the Police have not named any suspects, they confirmed that they are, at present, investigating laboratory staff.

“There is no doubt in our minds that the victims knew their attackers,” Chief Inspector Martin of the Murder Investigations Unit said at a press conference held yesterday.

All 11 victims were members of a group that volunteers its services to UWT researchers. The group, which calls itself Produce for Progress, issued a short statement late last night:

“We are deeply saddened by the events that took place at the University of West Terrier and we mourn for the victims and their families. While we have confidence in the Police and look forward to the results of their investigation, we feel it necessary to advise our members to cease their voluntary activities until such time as the perpetrator or perpetrators of this crime are apprehended.”

This morning, UWT’s Faculty of Dentistry issued a press release condemning the violent attack and assuring the University community, as well as Park citizens, that they will cooperate fully in the investigation. In the meantime, according to the press release, the Faculty has halted the experiment in which the victims were involved.

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