The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Holstein Fashion plans June launch of scent to support EDAM, EQUALSS

By

grazecroppedHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, will continue its charitable work this year by launching a new scent, GRAZE, that will benefit enforced domestication awareness (EDAM) as well as the company’s own charity, EQUALSS.

A statement released this morning by company president and CEO Balbina Ko included an invitation to all Park residents to the June 15 launch party at the Reek-O-Rama.

“Please join us to celebrate the strides we’ve made in enforced domestication awareness and in achieving equality among the species, especially the striped and spotted,” the invitation reads.

In the statement, Ko describes the scent as having “notes of grass, fresh rain, and clotted earth, combined in such a way as to be reminiscent of peaceful Summer days away from the hustle and bustle of daily life.”

While the scent will be the star of the launch party, the celebration of equality and Animal self-rule will be the theme, Ko told The Mammalian Daily. All attendees will receive a sample of the scent and all proceeds from its sale in June and July will go to enforced domestication awareness. After that, the proceeds will be split between EDAM and Holstein Fashion’s own charity, EQUALSS, which supports equality for the striped and spotted.

Share

Tricolore to open pop-up version of new “grassRoutes” resto at Mating Dance

By

Tab TricoloreWith all that dancing and mingling and socializing, you can really work up an appetite at the Mating Dance.

But, this year, Tab Tricolore will come to the rescue.

In anticipation of his first annual Feral Roots Festival in July, the Celebrity chef, restaurateur, and author will open a pop-up version of his new restaurant (opening date as yet undetermined), grassRoutes.

Samples of the “all natural” fare were available this morning at a press gathering hosted by Tricolore and his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. While Tricolore walked through the crowd acting like a proud father, Burmilla expounded on each dish, discussing provenance, cooking techniques, presentation, and most important of all, flavours.

Since the permanent grassRoutes restaurant will feature naturally-sourced feral cuisine, Burmilla took pains to explain the meaning of the term, as well as the health benefits and financial rewards. He also offered these two important pieces of advice: Don’t buy anything that shouldn’t grow where you live or that is bigger than it should be. And don’t mess around with good natural ingredients.

“These are the only two rules to follow in feral cuisine,” he said. “And remember: food that is naturally grown and naturally-sourced is cheaper by half and three times as good for you.”

Despite his saucy nickname, Burmilla said he is just as “evangelical” about food as his former boss.

“Tab and I not only share a history, we share a passion for good, tasty, nutrition. Otherwise, we couldn’t work together,” he said.

Share

Grooming houses “fully booked” for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings

By

tallulahstoilettageBusiness is so good at The Park’s grooming houses that it’s almost overwhelming.

“We are fully booked for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings,” says Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “We’re even over-booked on our waiting list.”

Such is the state of grooming in The Park these days that both Tallulah and Amoltrud Poedel, owner and operator of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, say they’re on the hunt for bigger premises.

“It’s not a matter of hiring anymore; it’s a matter of where would you put more staff and customers?” says Poedel, who along with Tallulah and the owners of The Mane Event, The Pluming Room, and En Garde Hair and Skin Salon, founded the Park School of Aesthetics in 2014 in order to deal with a shortage of grooming staff in The Park.

Now, a few years later, they have a constant stream of new talent to add to their roster. But with The Park’s population growing steadily and fewer Animals doing their own grooming, many of the Big Five, as they like to call themselves, have outgrown their homes.

“It’s a good problem to have, but it’s a problem nonetheless,” says The Mane Event’s head coiffeur Marlene Bärin.

Bärin credits the growth in the number of Park events for the surge in business, but she also thinks they should be spread out more.

“I don’t envy my friends at The Pluming Room,” she says. “They’ve been booked up for the Mating Dance and the Fowl Ball since February.”

Tano Pagun, The Pluming Room’s co-owner, confirms that fact but, like Bärin, says it’s the right problem to have.

“We won’t get any sleep until June, but we’ll enjoy it all the more,” she laughs.

Share

Footpad Heaven braces for onslaught of shoppers at Sunday’s clearance sale

By

Footpad HeavenCome one. Come all. Come early. And be prepared for long lineups and security at the door. But, remember, there’ll also be treats. And music.

That is what manager Adamma Bandicoot has been telling her clientele for the past few weeks when they’ve asked about the shop’s annual clearance sale.

Even though they’ll be selling last year’s stock, as they always do at this annual sale, Bandicoot says she’s sure they’ll sell out early this year.

“We’ve got prime stock for sale, and even though it’s technically last year’s, it’s brand new and some of the most coveted items we’ve ever sold,” she says.

Bandicoot, who traces her ancestry back to the shop’s founder, sculptor Josiah Bandicoot, is particularly proud of the line from Holstein Fashion. That includes some of the designs that were seen in the fashion show last year during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), as well as their regular line of paw coverings and stick-on striped and spotted toe pads. There are also a few items for sale from the collection honouring Zuberi Tembo, the Endeka Elephant Band’s late bassist. Bandicoot says she held back a few things from each collection just for this sale, but she warns that making them yours will take some time and patience.

If that’s not for you, there will be an express line for FP’s signature toepads and other accoutrement for which the shop is famous.

“We like to think w have something for every Animal,” Bandicoot says. “After all, we’re in the business of making our customers happy.”

Who: Footpad Heaven
What: Annual Clearance Sale
When: April 15, 7:00 a.m until closing time

Share

PASS: we’ll defy any law that stops us from doing business with Humans

By

penguin waiterThe Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) sent a strong message to the Archons today: no law will stop its members from doing business with Humans.

At a press conference this morning, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig said his membership voted unanimously on Monday to defy any legislation brought forth by the Archons that would restrict Park Animals’ right to trade with Humans.

“Let’s be clear,” Whistlepig said. “There is no wiggle room here. Our membership cannot afford to pick and choose its customers. This is not about liking Humans or having any personal relationships with them. This is about the livelihood of our members.”

Asked why PASS members voted on an issue that is little more than a rumour at this point, Whistlepig was forthright.

“We felt we needed to get ahead of this, to let the Archons know where we stand on this issue and how we feel about the direction in which they seem to be heading. This is about our members’ very survival and, we believe, about the economic independence of The Park.”

 

Share

Designs by Holstein puts stripes and spots up front this Spring

By

Holstein FashionDesigns by Holstein’s 2017 Spring Collection will feature stripes and spots, according to a company statement.

In the release dated today, President and CEO Balbina Ko says the company took as inspiration for the new season the work that their charity EQUALSS has done, as well as their designers’ tribute last Summer to Zuberi Tembo, the murdered Endeka Elephant Band bass player.

Ko founded the EQUALLS charity almost two years ago to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals and others in The Park. Since the charity’s birth, Designs by Holstein has included at least one striped and one spotted item in its seasonal collections. Last year, Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, hosted a fashion show during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) in June. The show’s fashions were created to highlight the perils of domestication for all Animals.

The Spring collection, which is bound for the stores in April, includes footwear as well as body wear and, for the first time, rainwear, because as Ko remarked at the end of the company statement, “What are the first spots any Animal sees? Raindrops!”

Share

Park eateries to host “T-1” celebration tomorrow before Archons announced on Sunday

By

eat-drink-and-be-merryIt’s an idea whose time has come, say The Park’s restaurateurs. And that time is tomorrow night.

At exactly five o’clock, every one of The Park’s eateries and bars will fling open its doors for one long celebration in anticipation of the announcement of the 2017 Archons.

The Park-wide eating and drinking fest, which they’re calling, “T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry,” is the brainchild of Beatrice Orang, owner of Provisions by Petrounel, and Brantford Gander of The Cackling Goose Tavern.

“Beatrice has been providing before and after meals for hibernators and estivators for years,” Gander explains. “So I asked her what she would want if she found out she was going to serve as Archon for a year. We met over drinks and it kind of went from there.”

It was Gander’s job to rally the other owners, but he says it was effortless: “I called a meeting and I told them the idea. They all sat there wondering why we hadn’t done it before.”

Gander says the rules of the evening are simple: the first drink is free, all appetizers are free, and everything after that is half-price.

“You’re welcome to stay the whole evening or move on to other venues. Sit, stay, or crawl, you’ll have a great time,” he says.

With all The Park’s eateries and bars participating—even the high end establishments—it’s hard to imagine otherwise.

The What Who When and Where:

What: T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry
When: Five o’clock 14 January until food and drink run out (approximately four o’clock 15 January)
Where: All Park eateries and bars
Who: All Park residents are invited to participate by all Park eateries and bars

Share

Hibernation outfitter to stay open 48 hours for a long “going-under” party

By

Best GoUnderground 2015 LogoGoUnderground, The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitter has just announced that it will stay open tonight and tomorrow night in order to aid Park hibernators with their last-minute needs.

According to Nafari Bongo, the shop’s director of sales, the decision was made early this morning and was based on the number of customers they saw lined up at the door when the shop opened.

“We realized at that point that we weren’t going to be able to serve all those customers if we closed our doors tonight,” he said. “So, we decided to have a ‘going-under’ party and invite all our customers to a forty-eight hour bash.”

Bongo said there will be plenty of food available and even entertainment. He also confirmed that Hieronymous Hedgehog, GoUnderground spokesAnimal and The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, will be on hand to advise customers and assist them with their purchases.

“Hieronymous has a wealth of knowledge about hibernation and his presence here is always appreciated by customers,” Bongo said.

Share

Stripes two ways: groomer offers “WINK coiffure” in honour of PIFF premiere

By

Zebra two wayIf you blink, you could miss it.

But if you wink, you could be rewarded with a new coiffure, which emphasizes the two directions of Animals’ stripes.

In a video advertisement that will run every day of October, the proprietor of one of The Park’s most popular grooming houses says that, in honour of The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)—and, in particular, in honour of its opening film, WINK—she has created a new “do,” which she’s dubbed the “WINK coiffure.”

That proprietor, known as Amoltrud, made headlines earlier this year when she announced that her shop would no longer be offering stripe and spot removal services. The year before, she’d been quoted as saying that although she advised her clients against the procedures, she’d been forced to offer the services “in order to keep up with the competition.”

But Amoltrud changed her mind and, breaking with traditional retail behaviour, decided to challenge the competition by doing exactly the opposite of what it was doing.

“I led with my mind—and my heart,” she said in an interview with The Mammalian Daily last night at the gala opening of G.D. Zebra’s WINK. “At some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing what I believe in or am I just doing what everybody else is doing?”

Amoltrud says she’s steadfastly against stripe and spot removal and vows never to offer the service again at her shop, even though some of her competition has called the procedures “a growth industry.”

“You have to decide what you stand for and then stand for it,” Amoltrud said last night. “And I stand for equality among the species, no matter what their coats look like.”

Share

Hibernation and estivation benefit the economy in many ways: PASS

By

Wednesday Rewind
Original publication date: 4 September 2014

Hibernation and estivation are good for The Park’s economy, according to a report released today by the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).[pullquote]There seems to be less tolerance these days for the differences among us.” – Wellington Whistlepig, PASS President[/pullquote]

PASS released the report less than two weeks before our estivating population is scheduled to return to full participation in Park life.

“The timing is not insignificant,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Association.

“They’re a beleaguered bunch [estivators] and we thought we could use the findings in this report to offer them a proper welcome back to life.”

Whistlepig, who is himself a hibernator, said the last few years have been difficult for Park Animals who hibernate or estivate.

“We and our way of life have been under siege for a number of years, ever since the economic downturn, in fact,” he says. “There seems to be less tolerance these days for the differences among us.”

That was the one of the main reasons that PASS decided to commission a report on the subject.

“Some of our numbers were used in another report that was released in the Spring. It showed some gains in the fourth quarter of 2013 which were attributed to the delay in the official hibernation date and that led to the conclusion that hibernation was a drag on the economy.

As Association president, I felt that our numbers had been misconstrued, so I asked for a full accounting from our members. They were very enthusiastic in their agreement to participate,” he says.

Whistlepig says the new report, which analyzes figures from 2008-2013, demonstrates definitively that hibernation benefits The Park’s economy.

“First of all, it creates jobs on a regular basis. Every job a hibernator or estimator holds has two Animals performing it,” Whistlepig says.

“Now, to those who consider that a drag on the economy, we say ‘think again.’ That’s two Animals who have currency to spend in our shops and for our services. And one of those two Animals needs to prepare for say, hibernation, before and after. Those are purchases that wouldn’t be made, otherwise. There are shops that cater to hibernators and estivators and they wouldn’t exist without those customers,” he contends.

Whistlepig says our hibernating and estivating citizens should be seen for what they are: a stimulating presence, both economically and culturally.

“We hope this report puts this foolishness to rest,” he says.

The Association’s full report will be made available to the public next week.

Share

Where in the world can I buy Noreen’s Book?

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

Amazon.com

The Cardboard Café

Trojan Horse Press

Gunnar Rotte’s Tweets

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Yannis Tavros on Twitter

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

See what others say about us

Millicent Hayberry Tweets!

Follow Noreen on Twitter!

Join Hieronymous on Twitter!