The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2013—Varrian calendar to reside permanently in Park Museum

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The last printed copy of the Varrian Calendar will find a permanent home at the Park Museum.

The museum’s Board of Governors announced the acquisition in a statement released on January 18. According to the statement, The Park’s first calendar will become the centrepiece of a permanent exhibit that is tentatively entitled, “Eventualities and Artifacts.”

“The exhibit will trace the beginnings of zoocracy in The Park through an exhibition of artifacts, that is, concrete representations of the change from a more natural order to an artificially organized one. The Varrian Calendar will represent Park Animals’ attempts to delineate time and, eventually, to harness it,” the statement said.

The Varrian Calendar, which was based on the solar year, was The Park’s official calendar from the establishment of zoocracy until 28 AZ (2010). That year, the 35 Archons made the decision to harmonize the calendar with that of the world outside The Park. In 2011 (29 AZ), citizens in The Park began to use the Human Gregorian Calendar (HGC), but full calendar harmonization did not take effect until December 31, 2012.

OTD in 2015—”It’s about the message,” say protesters as standoff continues at TMD offices

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Park Police Riot SquadAs the standoff between protesters and Mammalian Daily editors enters its third day, the reasons for this historic protest are becoming clear.

“Primarily, it’s about the message you’re sending, particularly with that photograph of Gunnar]Rotte],” says Dedrick Knaagdier, Media Relations Representative for The Park’s aid group, Rodents at Risk.

Knaagdier has been in attendance at the protest since the beginning, though he wasn’t among those who started it.

“They weren’t even Gunnar’s friends, but they saw the injustice and the way the paper was manipulating the message and they couldn’t take it anymore,” he says.

“Gunnar made a legitimate complaint but it was overshadowed by that photograph.”

The photograph in question shows Rotte holding two pies that he says he purchased at a bakery outside The Park. His complaint was that he had been assaulted at the bakery while trying to buy the pies.

“The way the photograph was taken, it makes it look as if he’s a thief,” says Knaagdier.

“He looks as if he’s smiling … as if he got away with something, rather than he did his duty [by paying] but was treated terribly. The photograph just plays into the stereotyping of Rodents … something they experience on a daily basis.”

Despite attempts by all major Park media to contact Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas, no official statement has been made, nor has the name of the photographer been revealed.

“They’ve said nothing, not even ‘We stand by our story,'” says Knaagdier.

OTD in 2013—Focus on: Sortition

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January is the most important month in the political life of The Park. It is the month during which, every year, 35 Animals are selected and sworn in to serve as The Park’s leaders, or Archons. Together, these Archons will establish policies that will affect the lives of all who live in The Park.

Today, we focus on sortition, the process by which The Park’s Archons are selected.

ORIGIN
The Park’s 35 Archons are selected each year by a process known as sortition or the lottery or allotment method. This was the system put into place by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.

Sortition has its origins in some of the oldest Human societies. After completing an exhaustive study of ancient Human political systems, Jor concluded that the basic tenets of zoocracy would best be maintained through the use of sortition rather than by direct elections. With the assistance of a panel of consultants, Jor made modifications to some of the original rules of sortition and crafted the system that has been in continuous use since the establishment of zoocracy.

METHODOLOGY
The first step in the selection of Archons requires the cooperation of The Park’s citizens. By the end of November each year, all adult Park citizens are required to submit and confirm their names. Traditionally, all Animal names have included some reference to species. Third, fourth, and later generations may choose to drop this reference from their names, but some indication of species is required when Animals make their submission to stand as candidates for Archon to the Department of Political Administration (DPA). Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule. Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the DPA of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

On January 5 every year, these submitted names are divided into six groups, according to six Animal classes. These classes are: Amphibians, Birds, Fishes, Invertebrates, Mammals, and Reptiles. The names are then inscribed on cards and placed in one of six opaque boxes, according to Animal class. Each of the six boxes is shaken three times by three different members of the Department of Political Administration.

FINAL SELECTION
The final selection of Archons is made by seven Department of Political Administration staff members. The staff members must have been in the employ of the department for at least five years and have no record of criminal activity. The chosen staff members are required to swear an oath of “honest and impartial fulfillment of the task” and to sign a declaration of the same in front of two witnesses. Six of the staff members are blindfolded and asked to reach into each opaque box and to pull out one card from the box. This is done a total of five times to ensure that there are 30 Archons chosen and that each of the six Animal classes is represented by five Archons.

WILD CARD SPOTS
The cards that remain are placed together in one box and shaken three times more. The seventh staff member, blindfolded, chooses five more cards. These are the five “wild card spots” that fulfill the number of Archons required. There is no restriction on Animal class or species for these spots.

SELECTION OF CHIEF ARCHON
When the final selection of Archons has been made, the remaining cards bearing candidates’ names are destroyed. The cards with the names of the 35 new Archons are placed in one opaque box, which is, again, shaken three times. The name of the Chief Archon is selected from these cards by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

CERTIFICATION OF CHOICE
The choices of the 35 Archons, including that of the Chief Archon, is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF ARCHONS
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons is posted at the Law Courts on the morning of January 15 each year, ten days after the final selection has been made. In order for Park citizens and residents to review the names, the list remains posted until the end of the week. Any Park citizens who wish to contest the selection of any Archon or Archons may do so by submitting a formal contest form (Form 15C) to the Department of Political Administration. The deadline for Form 15C submissions is January 31.

OTD in 2012—Newt becomes Chief Archon

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newtFor the first time in Park history, a semi-aquatic Animal was sworn in as Chief Archon of The Park’s 2012 government.

In a moving ceremony held this morning at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt took the oath of office as Chief Archon in front of a crowd of thousands.

“This is a historic day,” said Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who presided over the event and administered the oath of office to all 35 Animals who will serve as Archons this year. “We should all be proud to be Park citizens.”

While thousands of Animals braved the bitter cold to attend the ceremony at the Theatre, an estimated 700,000 others watched the political process play out from the comfort of their own dwellings. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, dedicated its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

“We believe strongly in the Zoocratic process and we are proud and honoured to have a part in it,” said a statement released yesterday by PBC Executives.

Among those in attendance at the event were representatives of all The Park’s Citizen Aid and Action Associations, including proxy representatives of The Park’s many hibernating communities.

OTD in 2014—DWBS issues “Watch Your Whiskers” alert for tomorrow

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Watch your Whiskers

The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued a “Watch Your Whiskers” alert for tomorrow’s swearing-in ceremony at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety wishes to remind Park Animals that whiskers are particularly vulnerable to damage at this time of year. Those Animals who are planning to attend tomorrow’s swearing-in ceremony of the Archons at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre would be well-advised to take precautions against such damage, due to the forecasted cold temperatures and the projected large numbers of attendees,” the alert states.

This is the second such alert the DWBS has issued this Winter. The first occurred in late December, when The Park experienced record low temperatures.

OTD in 2009—Cesar Emilio Gander

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Suddenly and tragically on the afternoon of 15 January 2009, as a result of a collision with a passenger aircraft. Cesar Emilio Gander, third generation Park citizen, loyal and loving mate, father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, and friend. The son of Consuela and Arnaldo Goose, Cesar Emilio was born, bred, and educated in The Park. While a student at the University of West Terrier, he founded GooseBook and, after graduation, he opened GanderMatch.com and CyBird Dating Services, two of the most successful mating services in The Park.

An enthusiastic entrepreneur, Cesar was an ardent supporter of cross-border trade and a vocal advocate of interspecial harmony. Described as a “passionately patriotic Park citizen,” Cesar strongly believed that Park talent should be fostered and encouraged to remain in The Park and, to that end, he founded The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme, BirdBrains.

A true “Gander’s Gander,” Cesar leaves a flock of mourners, including his parents, his mate, Belinda Goose, goslings Sarah, George, Millie, Charles, Anthony, Gwendolyn, Henry, Antoinette, Marguerite, and Phoebe, his sisters Carmelita and 2009 Archon Jacinta Goose, his brothers Manuel and Romero, and his many nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends.

Donations in his memory may be made to BirdBrains, to the Trauma Centre at the University of West Terrier Medical College, or to Goose & Gander Search and Rescue Association of The Park (GGSRAP).

OTD in 2016—TMD, Avian Messenger snag outgoing Chief Archon’s only exit interview

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Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo (Chief Archon)The Mammalian Daily and The Avian Messenger have secured the only interview that outgoing Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo intends to give.

The joint interview was announced in a statement issued simultaneously by both newspapers and by Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons. It will take place tomorrow morning at ten o’clock in the Chief Archon’s office. The 2016 Archons will be sworn in on Saturday, January 16.

Chief Archon Cuckoo is expected to discuss the changes she has witnessed in The Park, the future of zoocracy, and what she believes her legacy will be. The Mammalian Daily and The Avian Messenger will each send two political reporters to the interview.

OTD in 2015—Thane Tarsier pleads not guilty to charge of “Cease to Care” this morning

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Thane TarsierThane Tarsier appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in The Park’s Superior Court this morning to plead not guilty to the charge of “Cease to Care.”

Tarsier, who stood alongside his lawyer, Delwyn Terrier, said little in court other than to acknowledge that he understood the charge. When the Justice asked how he intended to plead, Tarsier deferred to his lawyer, who said simply, “We intend to plead not guilty.”

“Cease to Care,” a little-known offence under The Park’s Participation Act, involves the deliberate withholding of one’s name as a candidate for the position of Archon.

According to the rules of zoocracy, all adult Park citizens must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon by the end of October. Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule; Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the Department of Political Administration (DPA) of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Because this was established at the time of zoocracy as an obligation of citizenship, we take it very seriously when Animals refuse to participate,” says DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi.

Laying charges against Park citizens is not the DPA’s first step, however.

“We don’t like to involve the Police or the courts,” Fourmi says. “We try to reason with our citizens, to appeal to their sense of duty. But when there is no response, that leaves us with little choice.”

On Friday, after the DPA confirmed that Tarsier had withheld his name wilfully, Park Police laid the charge against him.

Tarsier’s trial will begin after Groundhog Day, according to a spokesAnimal for the courts.

OTD in 2017—Burrowers chase Humans out of Park for photographing hibernators

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hibernatorsTwo Park burrowers are being hailed as heroes today, after police confirmed they ran a group of Humans out of The Park when they found them photographing Animals in hibernation.

At a hastily-arranged press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, praised Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, whose quick thinking, Addax said, “preserved the privacy and safety of our hibernating community.”

According to Inspector Addax, the two burrowers spotted what they believed were a couple of illegal holes near their own burrows. After further investigation, they found a cache of small video and still cameras, and several sets of Human footprints. Before they had time to call Park Police, the group of Humans returned, and the two burrowers ran them out of The Park. Police are now in possession of the cameras.

The pair, who attended the press conference this morning, say they don’t feel like heroes at all.

Królik, who calls himself, “an ordinary burrower,” told reporters the actions of the Humans offended his sense of propriety.

“I wasn’t even thinking about the law when I saw them [the Humans]. I was thinking that our vulnerable citizens needed protection and I was going to make sure they got it.”

For his part, Coelho said he could only imagine what it must feel like to be violated by Humans while you’re in hibernation.

“It’s just not right. I have many friends in the hibernating community and I know their lives are difficult. They don’t need any added stress, or the fear that their every movement will be recorded while they try to survive the Winter,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Developing story: Gunnar Rotte claims he was assaulted at bakery outside Park

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Gunnar RotteDEVELOPING STORY
Journalist Gunnar Espen Rotte, who gained notoriety in December when he published a controversial editorial in the Rodent Commoner, claims that he was assaulted this morning when he was shopping at a bakery outside The Park.

Rotte, whose opinion piece was entitled, “Why I Don’t Bleed for my Striped Brothers,” has been the target of threats since early December. He spent two weeks in hiding and was the recipient of personal security from Park Police until January 1.

Rotte told The Mammalian Daily in a call from his burrow that that he had gone on a “usual” excursion outside The Park to buy some pastries for a small gathering he is hosting tonight.

“As soon as I walked into the place, I could feel the tension,” Rotte said.

The bakery was filled with customers, most of them Humans, and Rotte said he just wanted to place his order and leave.

“But before I knew it, they’d mobilized. One got a broom; another got a spray can. I went behind the counter, picked up two pies, threw my money at the server and ran,” he said. “I didn’t even wait for the change.”

Rotte was visibly shaken when he returned to The Park, his friends say.

“He ran into his burrow and stayed there for about an hour. Then he called us to say he was all right.”

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