Satirical fiction in newspaper form
BREAKING NEWS
Park Police announced this morning that they will hold a press conference at 1:00 p.m. for the purpose of updating Park citizens on the disappearance of chef Tab Tricolore.
In attendance will be Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS).
Tab Tricolore, The Park’s most famous (and infamous) chef, has confirmed that he is collaborating with a group of Park chefs on an interspecial cookbook.
The busy chef and author won the 2013 Chitter Radio Literary Award in non-fiction for “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine,” a book that is part memoir and part cookbook. Tricolore also owns and runs four restaurants in The Park and is planning to open a fifth (The PurrrBoy Café at the Park Museum) in the near future.
The other five chefs involved in the project hail from different species, but all have one thing in common: they are generally long-lived Animals. Hence, the working title of the book: “Recipes for a Long Lifespan.”
“That title has a double meaning, though,” Tricolore said in an interview recently. “These recipes all come from a fairly long-lived group, but they are also recipes for foods that are good for you. If you use them [the recipes], you can have a longer lifespan, too. But, of course, there are no guarantees,” he warned.
What is guaranteed is that the meals cooked using these recipes will be delicious.
The 2012 Archons have revealed the second prong of their “three-pronged” plan to promote tourism in The Park.
At a press conference held this morning, Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt proudly announced that a “major construction project” will take place in The Park this Winter, with the building and erection of a number of signposts. The signposts, Newt said, will direct tourists to Park “hot spots” and make their time spent here significantly more pleasant.
“I know if I didn’t live here, I wouldn’t know where to start,” Newt said, adding that, for those who live outside it, The Park is a vast untapped resource for sports, entertainment and fine dining.
“And once The Park Museum opens, there will be even more reason to visit,” he said.
The signpost project will be overseen by Simply Structures, one of The Park’s leading construction companies. A spokesAnimal for the company said she thought the project would be completed by the end of Winter.
The Archons’ plan to promote The Park as a tourist destination, initiated this past Spring, has continued to meet with resistance from individual Park citizens, environmental groups and some businesses, who say the financial gain from tourists does not offset the physical damage to The Park and the disruption of Park life.
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Now that The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) has elected Sunniva Muldvarp 2017 Keeper of the Nut, it’s time to get serious about preparing for hibernation, say the retailers who are experts in the field.
“With not even five days left, it will be a scramble this year,” Nafari Bongo told The Mammalian Daily this morning.
Bongo, who is director of sales for GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitter, said business had been particularly slow this past week, but has picked up considerably since yesterday.
“The two elections in one week usually affect business for a day or so, but this year, Animals were exceptionally distracted by all the hoopla. They couldn’t keep their minds on the process of hibernation preparation,” he said.
Bongo said they’d hired extra staff for the next five days and tomorrow the store will host its first-ever First-Timers event.
“We’ve found that the new generation of Animals is less prepared for its first hibernation. There seems to be a gap in knowledge, so we’ve instituted this event to help them,” he said.
Things are also humming along at Burrows and Beyond, according to vice-president of sales Kerman Astoa. While the firm stopped taking orders for new burrows this past Thursday, they’re still receiving inquiries as well as an “unusually high” number of orders for their signature Burrow Safety Checks (BSC). The company considers the BSCs to be essential, so they’ve also hired extra staff to accommodate these late requests.
“We do encourage hibernators to arrange for them early in the Autumn, but we understand that it’s not the first thing on their list,” says Astoa.
Over at Provisions by Petrounel, the prestigious Park grocer that specializes in post-hibernation sustenance, owner Beatrice T. Orang says their new pre-orders for 2017 are up by thirty percent.
“We’ve kept our standing orders steady for three years now, but in terms of new business, it’s way up this year,” she says.
There was a time when many thought The Park might not be able to sustain so many hibernation specialty shops, but that fear has vanished over the past few years, in part due to the growth in the hibernating population. And Orang says that even though she has competition, she has lost very few customers.
“Hibernators tend to be loyal and we appreciate that,” she says.
All in all, 2016 looks as though it’s going to be a very profitable year for the hibernation business. That is, as long as hibernators get themselves to the shops on time.
Park Finance Officer Milton Struts has been “relieved of his duties as of November 3, 2014,” according to a communiqué distributed to Park media this afternoon.
In the communiqué, all 35 of the 2014 Archons who signed it laud Struts for his “dedication and hard work on behalf of Park citizens,” but they say simply, “it is time for a change.”
“Familiarity with a subject clouds the vision,” they say in the communiqué,” and The Park’s finances “call for clear, fresh eyes.”
To that end, The Park Finance Office says it will appoint a panel of financial experts to produce a completely new 2015 budget. A new head of the Finance Office will be named some time in the new year.
Struts, a longtime employee of the Park Finance Office, rose to prominence over the last decade and became its head six years ago. Known for his steadfast support of Park citizens. particularly refugees and immigrants, Struts was the architect of the last five Park budgets, including the most recent — and most controversial — 2015 budget, which he presented on August 30.
Struts was last seen attending the awards ceremony at the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF). He did not appear at last Tuesday’s annual Account of the State of The Park.
Park Finance Officer Milton Struts was not in attendance on Tuesday afternoon as the Park Archons delivered their annual Account of The State of The Park.
After repeated requests for clarification by members of The Park’s media, the PFO finally issued a statement this morning, confirming that the architect of the controversial 2015 budget was absent from Tuesday’s proceedings.
Although the short statement offered no explanation for Struts’s absence, many in The Park believe that he has fallen ill as a result of eating food that was offered to him by Humans.
Struts was last seen in public earlier this month when he attended the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) awards ceremony. By all accounts, he looked well that evening, though some said they thought he was showing signs of stress.
“Considering the treatment he received [that night], I thought he was holding up fantastically,” says Konrad Eule, who saw Struts beat back spitballs and suffer bites from a group of Animals.
Struts was ushered into the Cinema that night but was not seen exiting and it was believed at the time that he stayed inside until it was safe for him to be escorted home by Park Police.
Though theories abound as to his whereabouts and the reason he stayed away from the State of The Park Account, no definitive statement has been made by him or on his behalf.
The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has become the object of the public’s ire since announcing yesterday that it had hired the architectural firm of Fleck + Stone to design the 2017 prognostication pad.
According to Park Police, officials at the department began receiving hate mail and threats shortly after their morning press conference, during which they introduced the firm’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, and discussed the size and style of the new pad.
“Within hours, the department received an onslaught of written [hate] material, which they reported to us. We immediately deployed officers to the scene and an investigation of the material is underway at our forensic laboratory,” Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) told the press this morning.
Police believe the negative reaction is due to the perceived expense involved in hiring the high-end firm, which is known for designing buildings of cultural import such as the Burrow Theatre and The Park Museum.
Perhaps in anticipation of that, members of the press received a fact sheet yesterday that outlined the costs of the prognostication pad and other accoutrements deemed necessary for the popular annual event. According to those figures, the cost of this year’s pad will be only slightly higher than last year’s.
Still, optics matter, says Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja, whose last budget reduced the funds allotted to special events by two percent.
“If they’d asked me, I would have told them to hold off for a year or, at the very least, talk about the cost first. Animals who are struggling to make a living have a hard time understanding why we need a posh pad to celebrate Groundhog Day,” she said.
It’s that time of year again.
The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced today that for the second year in a row, it has engaged the services of Nesthetics to build and service the Groundhog Day prognostication pad.
In a short statement released this morning, the department said it was impressed by the sturdiness and “forward-thinking design” of the company’s 2015 pad. That pad was the first in Park history to include colours other than green.
In fact, the pad’s blue base and its range of bright colours caused quite a stir. Romulus Bowerbird, the Nesthetics designer responsible for the pad, caused a stir of his own, too, when he defended his aesthetic choices during live coverage of the Groundhog Day ceremonies by saying that he thought green was overused but, “Many of my best friends are green.”
Nevertheless, Bowerbird is considered to be one of The Park’s foremost designers, and one who is not afraid to take chances or to risk failure.
In a prognostication of his own earlier in the week, Bowerbird tweeted out that he was sure his company would be “2 for 2 on Groundhog Day.” He said nothing, however, about an early Spring.
The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced today that it has selected Nesthetics as the provider of the 2015 Groundhog Day prognostication pad.
In a short statement released this morning, the department said it was impressed by the company’s bid and by the foresight it demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.
This is a huge blow to Simply Structures, the company that has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the prognostication pad for over ten years.
In the statement, the department acknowledged its longstanding relationship with Simply Structures, expressing appreciation for their work in the past and saying it hopes they will bid again for the job in the coming years.
Simply Structures has made no response to the decision thus far, but The Park’s business leaders say they are flabbergasted by the decision.
“Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think this has to do with last year’s shadow controversy,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this afternoon.
“And I think it’s despicable if that’s the case, because they’re letting a few disgruntled Animals who didn’t like the prediction to dictate the fate of a very good business.”
Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, agrees.
“This will be a huge blow to their bottom line and, quite frankly, I don’t think the decision is justified,” he said. “I think it’s a knee-jerk reaction. They’re covering themselves in case the same kind of controversy occurs this year and I don’t think that’s the right move.”
The controversy last year began seconds after Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), declared that The Park could expect another six weeks of Winter because she had seen her shadow. A group of disgruntled spectators claimed the shadow that Marmotte had seen was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the Prognostication Pad.
The organizers brought in a team of shadow experts to rule on the matter and they decided that, given the paw and claw that appeared on the artists’ tracings, the shadow must indeed have been Marmotte’s. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon signed the Official POPS’ Proclamation.
A lawsuit filed by the group of disgruntled spectators was thrown out of the courts a short time later.
The Park Post Office has unveiled its new set of historical stamps. The stamps will go on sale on November 1 and will be available at the Post Office building as well as at selected retailers throughout The Park. The new stamps commemorate the following:
The Discovery of the Cave Paintings
The Park Interspecial Film Festival
Higher Education in The Park
The Feline Fiction Fest
The Park Broadcasting Corporation
The Archons of Zoocracy
Jor, The Park’s first leader
