The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2016—TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

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The Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

OTD in 2012—Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study

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The latest economic figures released by The Park’s Finance Office indicate that Animals whose coats are striped or spotted have a tougher time securing full-time employment than those with coats of solid or mixed colours.

The 2011 statistics, known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats” were compiled for Finance Office use by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. Their release today caused an uproar among Animals of every stripe.

“This paints a very bleak picture of Park life and attitudes” said Aiofe Badger, current President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band and a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. “This is not the kind of [economic] result that Jor would have been proud of.”

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said the figures came as no surprise to her. “Some of our members have a terrible time finding work and they all know why, even though they can’t prove it,” she said.

Dominick Skiro, of The Park Alliance of Chipmunks, called the statistics “a crushing disappointment” and “something that challenges our belief in The Park’s system.”

At The Tabby Club, though, (the pub established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy), there was much frustration but little surprise among the clientele.

“I think Jor had the right idea…the right vision, being a Tabby, himself,” said Donal Ronnach. “But it’s obviously still just an ideal. It’s hard to overcome old prejudices.”

Prejudice against stripes and spots dates back thousands of years, says historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.

“Not surprisingly, it started with Humans and and the way they treated striped and spotted Animals,” she says. “They were suspicious of them, considered them evil and the bearers of bad luck. That kind of thinking eventually made its way into the minds of Animals and this is the result.”

But, at The Tabby Club, no one cares very much how it all began.

“The most important thing is that it should come to an end,” says Ronnach. “Right now.”

 

OTD in 2014—Data Tree hacked: Park Police

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tree hackedOne of The Park’s oldest and largest Data Trees has been hacked, according to Park Police.

In a statement issued at ten o’clock this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed that his team is investigating the “extensive damage” to the tree that is estimated to have occurred between midnight and seven o’clock this morning.

The Oak Tree, which is believed to be at least 70 years old, was last visited at eleven o’clock last night by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners.

“We keep a lot of our raw data in that particular tree,” said the Squirrel, whose company has held long-term leases on several Park trees since 2004.

The Squirrel said he was at the tree “no more than five minutes,” which was enough time for him to check on his stored data.

“It was all there when I arrived and it was all there when I left,” he said.

But this morning, the Squirrel was shocked when Police arrived at his office to tell him that it no longer was there.

“None of it,” said Squirrel, who is now facing the daunting task of informing his clients that their information — and their savings — have been compromised.

Although Chief Inspector Addax would not reveal details of either the evidence or the investigation, he did confirm in a telephone interview this morning that he had spoken with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU), an independent division of the SHCU, and that she had agreed to lend some of her unit members to the investigation.

OTD in 2015—PFO head Valentina Abeja: “A budget is a very emotional thing.”

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Valentina AbejaSpeaking candidly in an interview with Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros on Monday, the head of the Park Finance Office explained the delay in tabling a 2015 budget:

“A budget is a very emotional thing,” said Valentina Abeja, whose two-year tenure as PFO head began February 15.

“A budget speaks to every Animal’s priorities and hopes for the future, every Animal’s identification with its own species and our collective desires for all Park citizens. The PFO head needs to be mindful of the needs and aspirations of each and every one, while acknowledging the immense diversity of The Park’s citizenry.”

Asked whether the delay in tabling a budget would affect The Park’s economy, Abeja’s demeanour changed dramatically, from one of openness to one that Tavros later described as “more befitting a leader.”

“I can tell you that we have in no way jeopardized The Park’s economy by our thoughtfulness and caution,” she said bluntly. “I have tremendous faith in the resilience of our economy and in our citizenry,” she concluded.

OTD in 2015—Holstein Fashion lends its support to The Park’s striped and spotted citizens

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Holstein FashionHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, is lending its name and support to The Park’s striped and spotted Animals, it was announced today.

In a post on the company’s web site, Balbina Ko, the President and CEO of Holstein Fashion, explained the company’s bold move:

“Our company ‘Designs by Holstein’ owes a great deal of its success to our striped and spotted customers, whom we love and respect. For that reason, among many more, we feel we cannot in all conscience profit from our spots while ignoring the plight of others with spots and stripes.

To that end, we have established the charity we call EQUALSS. The goal of our charity is to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals (as well as others) in The Park. We sincerely hope all Park Animals will join us in this endeavour.”

In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, Ko explained the driving force behind the company’s decision.

“As a company, we’ve always supported the equality of all species in The Park. After all, that’s the foundation of zoocracy. But recent events and the establishment of that horrid web site [SplotchWatch] made us realize that we could be far more vocal about our support than we have been. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to play a leading rôle in the business community and we hope others will join us,” she said.

Ko said the company’s first move will be the production of a line of striped and spotted coats, socks, and boots.

“The design has been finalized and we expect to be able to begin production this month,” she said.

Proceeds from the sale of these items will go to a special EQUALSS fund that will aid the striped and spotted in finding employment, as well as in fighting the discrimination that has been well-documented over the past few years.

“Footpad Heaven has already signed on to stock this new line and we are currently negotiating with a number of other Park shops to do the same,” Ko confirmed.

“We also have a commitment from Appaloosa Legal Services and we are trying to bring the Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff on board as well,” the CEO said.

In addition to the outerwear initiative, Ko said her company plans to become “actively involved” in The Park’s Stereotype Sundays, perhaps producing what she calls a “learning tool” for the weekly occasion.

“We are looking very seriously at that,” she said. “If Animals volunteered to spend a day in the coat of a striped or spotted Animal, perhaps they’d think a bit differently about the issue afterwards.”

OD in 2016—Food growers, app makers at odds as Tulip season begins

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TT3The Park’s technology sector has come under fire from what seems like an unlikely source: the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

In a paid advertisement, the SCPCPGF accused the makers of apps such as TulipTracker, Bulb Beacon and FoodFinder™ of working against them by setting up expectations that food growers can’t possibly meet.

In the ad, which appeared in all print media yesterday as well as on three billboards, the Society made a plea for slower adaptation of technology as it relates to food production and consumption.

“As you know, the goals of our Society include ensuring the autonomy of Park farmers and preserving our food-growing lands for the nourishment of our population. These goals are difficult enough to reach without the interference of those outside the farming community. But now, the makers of food-finding apps are encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The natural ways are paced and allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park. That would be devastating to the economy, as well as to our health,” the ad said.

Neither SINCAP Technologies, the developer of Bulb Beacon, nor TulipTracker developer GVC De-Techt has publicly commented. on Civet’s accusations.

What you need to know:
The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons interfered with farmer autonomy on The Park’s food-producing lands. In 2012, an undercover investigation revealed that the 2011 Archons and the Park Finance Officers had agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. At that time, the Society broadened its mission to include being a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

OTD in 2016—We owe our quick success to the fast pace of Park life: KwikLiks owner

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KwikLiksIt’s been almost a year since Maitea Behi opened the doors of KwikLiks, The Park’s first—and so far, only—”flash” groomer. But what a year it’s been.

“We opened at the end of April and we had a bit of a slow start, what with the warm weather taking its sweet time to arrive and being up against a number of established groomers,” she says.

Nevertheless, Behi was determined to ride out the lean times, even though, with the financial burden of a staff of groomers (five full-time and eight part-time) working long hours seven days a week, she knew the business wouldn’t turn a profit for a few years.

Even when things started to turn around in the Summer, though, Behi  says she didn’t dare take her success for granted.

“When we started, we were a new concept, so we had to explain what flash grooming was. I think it seemed impossible to many Animals, particularly those who were used to spending half a day at the groomer’s,” she says.

But with some time and what she calls “smart marketing,” Park residents were able to see the value in a place that could groom five hundred Animals an hour.

“Life is so busy these days and that makes it difficult for Animals to find the time to spend at the groomer’s. But that doesn’t stop them from wanting to look their best, and that’s where we come in. We owe our success to the quickening pace of life in The Park.”

And this year, Behi is looking forward to participating in Tuesday’s semi-annual charity “Shakeoff.”

“We’ll be on site all day, doing what we do best. It’s a great cause and we’re thrilled to be able to join The Park’s other groomers at the event. It makes me feel like we really belong,” she says.

The Shakeoff (formerly “Shake for Charity”) runs Tuesday from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park.

OTD in 2015—Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park

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The sluggish economy is taking its toll on the professional and personal lives of Park citizens.

“The situation is dire,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier and author of a new report on the economy entitled, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able.”

The report, which analyzed economic and employment data gathered by The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, paints a gloomy  picture of the future unless immediate action is taken.

According to the report, recent statistics show that a record number of Animals have had to leave their homes and families in the past year to seek work outside The Park.

“The Park is simply not generating a sufficient number of jobs for its population,” says Dr. Cissa. “As a consequence, we are losing our best and brightest…the skilled and the most diligent. And Humans are the ones who are benefitting.”

Indeed, figures cited in the report indicate that, out of financial necessity, a great many Animals have been forced to take jobs as “domestic companions” to Humans outside The Park.

“This is tragic on so many levels,” says Cissa. “These are Animals who were trained and educated at institutions in The Park, Animals who were promised a better life than their ancestors had. These are Animals who believed in the Promise of The Park, and who believed that Animals would never have to serve Humans again. They’ve been betrayed by the economy and they are starting to question their commitment to The Park, itself. It is a very challenging situation.”

Dr. Cissa’s report is scheduled to be presented to the Archons’ full assembly on Tuesday.

OTD in 2017—Travel ban will hurt our students, art school director tells Archons

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Hani Gajah School of ArtThe director of the Hani Gajah School of Art has made a heartfelt plea to the Archons: don’t restrict Animals’ travel outside The Park.

In an open letter published across Park media, Nolwazi Indlovu pleads her case for students’ “unrestricted exposure to the wider world,” while addressing the Archons’ reported concerns about safety.

“We at The Park’s premier centre of artistic education share your concern for the safety of all Park Animals. From the beginning, we have put our students’ safety first, yet we have designed curricula that require them to spend time outside The Park. We believe that the value of their enrichment through unrestricted exposure to the wider world outweighs any risk that might be involved,” the letter reads in part.

The letter is a response to the February rumour that the Archons plan to restrict Animal’s travel due to the inability of our legal representatives to aid Animals who have been charged or detained outside The Park.

While other Park educational institutions also require their students to spend some time outside The Park, the Hani Gajah School would be more adversely affected by any travel ban, since its four-year programme requires one year of full-time residency outside The Park.

The letter to the Archons was signed by Indlovu as well as by former Hani Gajah instructor and current curator of The Park Museum’s art gallery, Dorika Pumi, Hani Gajah alumni Anastazja Koci and Hanad Maroodiga, and Aamuun Maroodiga, head curator, Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA).

OTD in 2017—Archons, DWBS condemn “Cultivate Cuteness” campaign

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cuteness-postersThe Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) have issued a warning about a new campaign that has taken hold in The Park.

At a press conference early this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, condemned “in no uncertain terms” the campaign that advises Park Animals to “cultivate cuteness” in order to make themselves attractive to Humans.

“No matter what challenges we face in The Park, selling ourselves to Humans is not the solution,” Alouatta said. “We condemn in no uncertain terms this campaign that undermines our efforts to bring about fairness and equality for all. We are committed to Animal self-rule and we will not back down from it, even in the face of economic challenges and interspecial disharmony.”

The DWBS also had a warning for the campaign’s organizers:

“We will remain vigilant against your anti-zoocratic efforts and we will not hesitate to prosecute should any of The Park’s laws be broken,” Kakapo said.

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