The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Mammalian Daily signs on to media’s “Month Without Metaphor”

By

Month Without Metaphor

The Mammalian Daily will participate in The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor.”

It’s a bold idea that is sure to make waves. And, this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that The Mammalian Daily is coming on board.

“That is music to our ears,” said Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of The Park’s “Month Without Metaphor.”

The media-wide initiative, which is set to run for the entire month of May, promises to shake up what many regard as a moribund industry. And as of yesterday, almost ninety percent of The Park’s newspapers and magazines had agreed to participate in Tinamou’s “Grand Resuscitation.” The Mammalian Daily is the largest and latest to do so.

“We’re thrilled about it,” said Tinamou in an interview this afternoon. “The Mammalian Daily is such an influential paper in The Park and their participation gives us another quiver in our arsenal.”

The idea of the initiative, Tinamou says, is to “tell it like it really is…no embellishments, no idiotic comparisons, no ridiculous painting of pictures for the reading public. Just the facts. We think they’re enough. And not only do we think the facts are enough, we think all this metaphorical reporting is obscuring those facts and distracting our readers’ attention from the important issues. What we need is clarity, particularly during these challenging times, and we very much look forward to seeing how our readers react to being offered a month of just plain facts.”

The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor” will run from May 1-31, 2014.

Tavros to host third annual “Pundits’ Parlour” on Monday

By

YannisTavros


Yannis Tavros will host another “Pundits’ Parlour” on Toro Talk Radio this Monday

For the third year in a row, Yannis Tavros will host Toro Talk Radio’s “Pundits’ Parlour” on Monday, February 3.

Manfred Stier, spokesAnimal for the radio station’s programming director, confirmed today that The Park’s best known political pundits will again have the chance to express their views on our incoming government on Tavros’s popular show.

“Yannis [Tavros] will once again relinquish his usual talk show format to moderate what has become a very popular annual forum,” Stier said.

This year’s guests include Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier, historian and author Pieter Paard, Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, UWT Law Professor Fionnula L. Fox, Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces, UWT Professor of History Beatrice Zilonis, and Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Other participants include Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register, Camlin “Cayuga” Newt of The Salamander Evening Post, and Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct Professor of Human Studies.

Gossip site hints at new Mammalian Daily rôle for Noreen

By

headsNtales logo


The logo of the popular Park gossip web site, headsNtales.

Popular columnist Noreen may not be dispensing advice at The Mammalian Daily for much longer, if a popular Park gossipmonger’s sources are correct.

According to headsNtales, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site, Noreen is currently in talks with several Park newspapers to expand her rôle beyond that of counselling Animals on how to live happily with Humans.

In keeping with her present position as adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, Noreen is said to be keen on bringing her academic credentials to her newspaper writing.

“Noreen would like to share the knowledge of Humans that she has acquired over her lifetime with more of the general public,” says a source close to the columnist.

“Rather than answering Animals’ questions, she would like to offer something more substantial in a regular column or essay. She believes that many Animals are lacking knowledge of Human history, for example, and she would like to fill that gap so that Animals can better understand the world around them and make better-informed choices.”

If these are indeed Noreen’s wishes, they may well fall in line with the intentions of the University of West Terrier. While there has been no final word on the subject from the UWT Board of Governors, rumours have suggested the school is considering a major expansion of its Department of Human Studies.

Meanwhile, Noreen remains silent on her plans for the future and has declined to comment on any rumours.

Insect Intelligencer rebrands itself as “authoritative” daily

By

Serangga


The Serangga Star Adviser (formerly The Insect Intelligencer) hit the newsstands yesterday. The rebranded daily will focus on political and social issues and use its “Fly on the Wall” feature to highlight injustice in The Park.

Five months after shutting down and cleaning house, The Insect Intelligencer hit the newsstands again yesterday, but as a very different daily.

Rebranding itself as “The Park’s Most Authoritative Newspaper,” the Intelligencer has a new name, a new Editor-in-Chief and a completely new focus.

“We are going to do our best to make you forget all about the Intelligencer,” said Editor-in-Chief Priscilla Weevil at a press conference this afternoon.

Weevil, who took over after management ousted Fannia di Volo, has worked hard on the rebranding effort and insiders say she influenced everything from the hiring of new reporters to the journal’s new name.

And that name, contends Weevil, says it all.

The Serangga Star Adviser is the paper’s name, as of November 1. And, since it isn’t immediately obvious that it is an Insect newspaper, Weevil is more than prepared to deal with the inevitable questions about the decision.

“The word ‘Serangga’ means ‘Insect’ but not every Animal knows that,” says Weevil.

“We thought it was important to select a name that was Insect-inclusive, but we also wanted to illustrate our commitment to every species in The Park. We want to be the newspaper that all Animals go to for reliable information; we want every species to be able to count on our reporters for the facts and, even more than reporting the news, we want to uncover injustice in The Park and to highlight wrongs that need to be righted,” she says.

The paper’s new mission is a far cry from that of the Intelligencer, whose run came to an abrupt end last June after it printed a front page story announcing that Humans had become an extinct species.

“We try not to look back, but to look forward,” Weevil says. And of all the ambitious plans she listed for the paper she now runs, perhaps the most forward-looking is her re-make of the Intelligencer’s infamous Fly on the Wall feature.

That feature, which began as a mixture of out-of-Park news, gossip, and speculation rapidly spiralled downward as it attempted to feed its readership’s ever-increasing appetite for blood and dirt. Weevil says she intends to use it now, though, “to highlight injustice in The Park and to bring about change, even if it means having to shame those who are causing the injustice.”

To some readers, the changes in the paper may not seem so drastic, after all.

Heads roll at Insect Intelligencer in wake of scandal

By

Insect Intelligencer

The Insect Intelligencer advised on its front page that it has accepted the resignation of its Editor-in-Chief and other employees who were involved in the June 3, 2013 scandal.

A shake up at The Insect Intelligencer has left its Editor-in-Chief and a number of other workers at the paper unemployed.

The long-established Park newspaper advised on its front page yesterday that it had accepted the resignations of Editor-in-Chief Fannia di Volo, as well as those of three community editors, four staff reporters and a number of other unnamed employees, in the wake of the June 3 scandal.

As of today, these positions remain unfilled, according to a spokesAnimal for the daily. The Intelligencer will continue to publish, however, as it overhauls its hiring and editorial policies.

The paper, which launched its own investigation into the matter on Monday, is also the subject of investigation by the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP) and the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

While C-SNAP has no sanctioning authority, the ANMPN has confirmed that it is “looking very seriously” at levying a fine against the newspaper.

In an interview on Reptile Radio yesterday afternoon, ANMPN Executive Director Nathan R. DiPressa said the Association has plans to conduct a membership survey on the subject.

“This was a very serious breach of ethics and its effects are being felt by our entire membership. We intend to voice our concerns to the Intelligencer’s management in the very near future,” he said.

Animals celebrate as newspaper declares Humans extinct

By

Animals celebrate

Animals celebrate after newspaper headline declares Humans an extinct species.

Park Animals broke into a spontaneous celebration yesterday, after the Insect Intelligencer declared the Human species to be extinct.

In a bold headline splashed across its front page, the Intelligencer announced, “Human species extinct scientific body confirms.”

The headline and related story turned out to be a hoax perpetrated on the paper and The Park by two of the daily’s reporters. In a statement on the paper’s web site, editor-in-chief Fannia di Volo apologized to the public for the distasteful prank and assured Park residents that the two reporters, whose names have not been released for security reasons, have been dismissed. The article was published without bylines.

“Their actions will be dealt with in the near future,” the statement concluded.

Within a few hours, all copies of the paper had been pulled from Park stores and di Volo had contacted all subscribers and media outlets to advise them of the situation.

Di Volo confirmed later in the day that a “full-scale” internal investigation of the incident had been launched. Some related associations and agencies, including the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP), and the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN) have begun their own investigations.

Nathan R. DiPressa, Editor-in-Chief of The Reptile Register and Executive Director of the ANMPN said he was distressed by the incident, calling it “vile” and a threat to all Park newspapers.

“Our credibility is at stake here,” he said. “This is a very serious breach of protocol and ethics.”

One of The Park’s oldest newspapers, The Insect Intelligencer was once considered one of our most authoritative and upstanding dailies. But, plagued by problems and scandals over the past few years, the paper has changed course several times and some say it appears to have lost its footing. Two years ago, it ceased publication temporarily due to a scandal and the arrest of five of its reporters. The scandal and the subsequent suspension of its popular Fly on the Wall feature resulted in a marked decrease in the paper’s readership. As of yesterday, there were no plans to alter the format or mission of the paper.

See also:

Scandal rocks Insect Intelligencer
One Human dead, reporter held for questioning outside Park
Archons at work behind scenes to secure reporter’s release

Snout to Snout: Hieronymous and Yannis to meet on air

By

Hieronymous Hedgehog will sit down with Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros to discuss the controversy over Tavros’s remarks after Groundhog Day.

Calling to mind the hit song by Eggie and The Pigs, Toro Talk Radio announced today that it has signed a deal with Hieronymous Hedgehog that will have him meeting “snout to snout” with talk show host Yannis Tavros.

According to the announcement, the two will discuss “the entire controversy, from beginning to end”  on Wednesday, 08 May, during the airtime that is usually devoted to Tavros’s talk show.

Until now, Hieronymous Hedgehog has remained silent on the subject of the insults hurled at him by Yannis Tavros, which led to the talk show host’s suspension. He has also kept mum about the group that calls itself Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronmyous or LAdeH) but, through his supporters, he indicated that he has no association with the group.

A SpokesAnimal for the radio station said the fact of the meeting and any subsequent discussions the two may have will have no effect on Tavros’s suspension from his job.

“This [meeting] in no way implies that Tavros will be returning to his job and that all is forgiven,” he said. “What we are trying to do here is clear some time and space for the two to meet each other on neutral ground and to discuss what really happened. If they can come to an understanding, that will be an important first step. But our ultimate goal is reconciliation and peace among Park citizens,” he said.

The “neutral ground” referred to will, in fact, be The Park’s Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. Toro Talk Radio will be selling tickets to the event from April 27 on. Tickets will be on sale at the radio station and the theatre, as well as at Footpad Heaven. All proceeds from the sale of tickets will go to The Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening, the affliction from which former Archon and Hieronymous Hedgehog’s uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, died in 2008.

See also:

Archon’s nephew blasted over Groundhog Day remarks
Radio station suspends Tavros over Hedgehog remarks
Founding Families, Petrounel pull ads from Toro Talk Radio
Tavros “Bullish” on The Park, say his supporters 

Tavros “Bullish” on The Park, say his supporters

By

Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros is “Bullish” on The Park and only wants the best for his adopted home, says a group of his supporters who have set up camp in front of the radio station.

“I think everybody’s got it all wrong about Yannis,” says Gottfried Stier. Stier has been marching up and down in front of Toro Talk Radio’s door since Tuesday, when the radio station relieved the controversial talk show host of his duties for an indefinite period of time.

Stier points to the photo on the sign he’s been carrying, then asks in a genuinely puzzled tone:

“Does that look like the face of a Bull who’s gratuitously cruel?” he asked.

That epithet is one of many that have become attached to Tavros’s name. Always known as outspoken and often seen as controversial, many believe Tavros crossed the line last Tuesday, when he criticized the intellectual capabilities of Hieronymous Hedgehog and his family.

“Nobody here thinks he should have said that,” says Stier, who says he agrees with those who believe Tavros should come forward and apologize.

“But I don’t think it’s an indication of his views. He’s argumentative…and combative on the air. That’s his persona. But his loyalties lie with The Park and he’s a staunch supporter of zoocracy. Considering where he came from, that’s not a surprise. But you won’t find many Animals who are as willing as he is to lay it on the line so The Park can be its best. I don’t think, right now, that Park Animals have any appreciation of his real attitudes. All they can hear is this one mistake. I think we owe it to him to give him a chance to speak honestly,” Stier says.

Another protester, Jurella Tamaraw, points out the irony in Tavros not being on the air.

“The last time there was a controversy about free speech, Yannis was there to help resolve it,” she says. That controversy, which involved the decision made by the Association of Park Radio Stations to pull a Cynics song from the airwaves, was resolved when Tavros offered the Cynics a chance to defend their song on his show.

Many would argue, though, that the current issue is not, technically, one of free speech. The protesters outside Toro Talk Radio believe there is a simple solution, nevertheless.

“I think he should apologize and we should all move on from this,” says Tamaraw.

Founding Families, Petrounel pull ads from Toro Talk Radio

By

The Founding Families Financial Corporation has pulled its advertisements from Toro Talk Radio in response to remarks made on February 12 by the station’s talk show host, Yannis Tavros.

In an announcement dated today, The Park’s oldest and largest bank said it “could not in good conscience support the radio station given the nature of the remarks made by one in its employ.”

As its name suggests, Founding Families Financial Corporation was established by a number of The Park’s original families. These include Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels, Arachnids, Hedgehogs, Beavers, Wasps, Polar Bears, Cattle and Bees, among others. Many of these families are members of The Park’s hibernating communities and some have suggested that this may have been a factor in the bank’s decision.

In an interview on Chitter Radio this morning, Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP) said he thought it was “far from a coincidence that the bank’s announcement came today, [since it is ] the official end of the hibernation period.”

“Not only do some members of its Board of Directors come from our hibernating communities, but a great number of its clients do, as well. They can’t be seen to be supporting a station that appears anti-hibernator,” he said.

He also believes this is the main reason that Provisions by Petrounel pulled its ads from Toro Talk Radio.

“They’re grocers and caterers and they serve all species, but it’s been estimated that a good 40 per cent or more of their business is post-hibernation. How could they afford not to pull their ads after Tavros insulted a pair of very well-known and well-loved hibernators?” he said.

As of this afternoon, Toro Talk Radio had not responded to the companies’ announcements.

Radio station suspends Tavros over Hedgehog remarks

By

Toro Talk Radio announced this morning that it has suspended Yannis Tavros “for an indefinite period of time” over the negative comments he made on air about Hieronymous Hedgehog

After enduring more than three days of around-the-clock protests in front of its offices, Toro Talk Radio announced today that it has suspended talk show host Yannis Tavros “for an indefinite period of time.”

In a statement released this morning, the radio station said that after a review of Tavros’s remarks about Hieronymous Hedgehog the owners felt it would be best to remove the broadcaster from the airwaves for a length of time.

“Toro Talk Radio was saddened to hear the remarks that Yannis Tavros made during the essay portion of his talk show on Tuesday, February 12. These remarks in no way reflect the beliefs or opinions of this radio station or of any Animal employed here. In light of the nature of those remarks, however, and of the pain that they have caused many Park residents, we feel it would be best for all concerned if Tavros spent some time away from the airwaves. We have, therefore, suspended Yannis Tavros from his duties here at Toro Talk Radio for an indefinite period of time,” the statement said.

The station went on to assure its listeners that Toro Talk Radio “takes tremendous pride in drawing its listeners from a wide variety of species” and that it “values and respects The Park’s hibernating communities.”

One of the most contentious remarks that Tavros made concerned Hieronymous Hedgehog’s late uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, who served as Archon in 1998. Ten years later, the Hedgehog died of premature awakening from hibernation, a circumstance that Tavros blamed on the lack of intelligence that he believes afflicts the former Archon’s entire family.

Experts in the field, however, say that premature awakening, which is on the rise in The Park, has nothing at all to do with intelligence.

“For whatever reason, he is spreading a falsehood and a dangerous one at that,” says Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier and one of the authors of a recent report on premature awakening in The Park.

“There are a number of factors involved in premature awakening but none is related to intelligence,” he said.

Meanwhile, members of a group that calls itself Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) are calling for a formal on-air apology from Tavros.

“We will not be satisfied until he apologizes publicly for his treatment of Hieronymous,” said a spokesAnimal for LAdeH.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

May 2025
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031