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CPAP to investigate Daffy Dill’s “natural product” claims

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 The Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) confirmed today that it plans to investigate claims made by The Daffy Dill that its whisker bouquets are made exclusively of “natural” products.

At a press conference held this morning, CPAP head Ursula M. Bjørn said that, in launching its investigation, the Agency was answering to a number of concerns voiced by consumers over the past 12 months.

“Consumers have been questioning the veracity of [Daffy Dill’s] claims, particularly those made about its whisker bouquet products,” Bjørn said. “We determined that these queries warranted some further examination.”

The Agency’s decision to launch its probe may also be due, in part, to recurrent rumours that non-resident Animals have been detained illegally in The Park for the purpose of harvesting their whiskers. Bjørn would not comment on these rumours, but did not deny that such activity “would be a great concern, if it were found to be true.”

While Daffy Dill owners have remained silent about the investigation, Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), issued a statement just hours ago. In it, he chastised CPAP for “doing the bidding of a few disgruntled customers” and said the complaints may well have been connected to recent price increases.

“Many shops in The Park have experienced customer anger lately, as a result of necessary price increases. That is a fact of life in business, but customer anger should not be grounds for a full investigation,” the statement read.

Some seasonal suggestions for the Spring shedder

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The grass is green, the flowers are in bloom, and the Birds are singing in the trees. Everywhere in The Park, the signs of Spring surround us. Not all those signs are pleasant, though. The warmer temperatures and abundance of sunshine do help to elevate our moods, but they are also responsible for one of the less agreeable rites of Spring: our annual shedding frenzy.

“It’s not uncommon, at this time of year, to see Animals literally running around in circles, biting off chunks of their Winter coats,” says Dr. Bregitta Oreamnos, chief trichologist at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, and author of Hair Bawls: The 100 Most Common Complaints about Hair (The Poplar Press, 2006).

While no cure exists for our “detachment disquietude,” Dr. Oreamnos advises her patients to adopt a proactive approach to their coats, and she suggests the use of natural techniques to ease us through this season of discomfort. A few of her suggestions appear below.

“And don’t forget,” Dr. Oreamnos adds, “a good tongue-lashing can work wonders on your coat.”

The Natural Approach to Handling Shedding

SHAKE: Even undercover agents blow their covers in the Spring! Shake off that dead hair before it shakes you! A good shake before breakfast will set your day in motion!

RATTLE: Don’t just stand there — do something! Whether you’re waiting in line or hunting down lunch, remember: not all your feet need to be planted on the ground at the same time! Let’s shimmy!

ROLL: Got a nice, thick mane? Make it shine! A good, forward tumble will give you a gleam that no commercial product can match!

Excerpted from Hair Bawls: The 100 Most Common Complaints about Hair © Bregitta Oreamnos

Polar Bear finally scoops first prize in Toe-Hair Contest

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Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear finally managed to scoop top prize in The Park’s Toe-Hair Contest.

After five previous attempts, The Bear was declared the winner of the 17th annual Contest at 11:56 on May 1, after a unanimous decision was handed down by the judges.

At the awards presentation, Rufus di Rafineschi, the Contest’s head judge, said it had been a difficult competition to adjudicate.

“The quality and range of toe-hairs this year was extraordinary and, happily, it made our job that much more difficult,” he said.

In the end, though, it was the “perfect formation” of the Bear’s toe-hairs, along with their “exceptional length and quality” that won the Bear top prize.

At a press conference after the prizes were awarded, the Bear fielded questions about his tenacity.

“I wasn’t going to let this one go,” he said, finally, after a fourth reporter asked why he had entered the Contest for the sixth time.

The  Bear also praised his fellow competitors, heartily congratulating second and third prize winners, Richard “Rocky” Jerboa and Salamanca Q. Sloth.

Rufus di Rafineschi appointed Toe-Hair Contest’s head judge

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The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced early this morning that Rufus di Rafineschi has been appointed head judge of today’s Toe-Hair Contest.

The event, which is in its 17th year, is set to commence at 10:00 a.m. Park time at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

Di Rafineschi, who won the 2004 Toe-Hair Contest, will head a group of five judges in total. According to the Contest rules, di Rafineschi will vote along with his peers, but his vote also has the potential to end a tie among the other four judges.

“The position is an important one,” said a spokesAnimal for the Department. “Should there be a tie, the head judge, who is an Animal with greater expertise than the other judges, has the ability to choose the winner. It is a position of responsibility that calls for a great deal of knowledge and personal integrity,” she said.

The other four Contest judges are Oskar Sloth, Gabriel B. Bear, Kyle P. Caribou, and Duggan C. Raven.

Park’s first openly aged Archon slams news media bias

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Archon Thurmond Tortoise will celebrate his 130th birthday this year

The Park’s first openly aged Archon has slammed Park media for what he calls “overt bias in their portrayal of the elderly.”

Thurmond L. Tortoise, who will celebrate his 130th birthday this year, is the oldest Animal in the history of zoocracy to serve as Archon. As such, he says, he feels a duty to speak out against the media’s depiction of The Park’s elderly.

“If you were to believe [The Park’s] press, you’d think we [the aging] were all enfeebled,  waiting to die, or…waiting to be told what is best for us by the young, the naive, and the foolish,” he said.

The Tortoise’s remarks were made at the annual Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP) dinner, which was held last night.

Asked his opinion of the job that Park media are doing, the Tortoise did not hold back.

“These misconceptions about the elderly run rampant across the media landscape,”  he said. “We are being disrespected by a group of ignorant young Animals who have control over the media.We are the founders of this zoocracy; we fought for the freedom and independence that they [youth] are experiencing. We deserve to be treated properly,” he said.

Ask a Poodle: Collar ID

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DEAR POODLE: I am wondering what your opinion is of the latest fashion accessory for Dogs (and other Animals) – by that I mean collars that have name tags hanging from them.

I was given one as a gift, but I can’t bring myself to wear it. I have a friend who thinks I’m daft. She says that they are not only beautiful, but they are practical, as well.

What do you think?

– TRADITIONALIST

DEAR TRADITIONALIST: There are, of course, at least two sides to every story (as well as to the name tags hanging on these collars), and as many opinions as there are Animals.

But, as far as I’m concerned, this is one of the most demeaning trends in fashion The Park has ever seen. I also find it quite baffling that this fad has taken hold in the same year that we are celebrating 25 years of Animal self-rule.

These items hearken back to a time when all Animals were the chattel of Humans. Despite our best efforts, this is still a reality for many Animals and we would be much better off wearing a tag that called for their emancipation than acting as though we have all risen above this sad and shameful part of our past.

As for the practicality of wearing our identities around our necks (as opposed to our hearts on our sleeves), I don’t find this argument compelling. Nor do I believe that our young should be encouraged to sport a look that shouts “I Am Property!”

And, as for the aspect of beauty, there are many things more beautiful than an ID tag – namely, freedom, respect, and Animal dignity.

Ask a Poodle is a regular feature of The Mammlian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for the Poodle, please e-mail it to her at askapoodle@mammaliandaily.com. We regret that the Poodle cannot send responses directly to you.

Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study

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The latest economic figures released by The Park’s Finance Office indicate that Animals whose coats are striped or spotted have a tougher time securing full-time employment than those with coats of solid or mixed colours.

The 2011 statistics, known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats” were compiled for Finance Office use by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. Their release today caused an uproar among Animals of every stripe.

“This paints a very bleak picture of Park life and attitudes” said Aiofe Badger, current President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band and a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. “This is not the kind of [economic] result that Jor would have been proud of.”

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said the figures came as no surprise to her. “Some of our members have a terrible time finding work and they all know why, even though they can’t prove it,” she said.

Dominick Skiro, of The Park Alliance of Chipmunks, called the statistics “a crushing disappointment” and “something that challenges our belief in The Park’s system.”

At The Tabby Club, though, (the pub established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy), there was much frustration but little surprise among the clientele.

“I think Jor had the right idea…the right vision, being a Tabby, himself,” said Donal Ronnach. “But it’s obviously still just an ideal. It’s hard to overcome old prejudices.”

Prejudice against stripes and spots dates back thousands of years, says historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.

“Not surprisingly, it started with Humans and and the way they treated striped and spotted Animals,” she says. “They were suspicious of them, considered them evil and the bearers of bad luck. That kind of thinking eventually made its way into the minds of Animals and this is the result.”

But, at The Tabby Club, no one cares very much how it all began.

“The most important thing is that it should come to an end,” says Ronnach. “Right now.”

 

The Park’s “Share the Hair Shake for Charity” happens today!

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The Groundhog has spoken, The Park’s hibernating community has awakened, and Spring has sprung!

So, what’s next on the agenda? The Park’s semi-annual Shake for Charity, of course!

Come on! Get up and out of your lodges, dens, burrows, coops, kennels, lairs, sties, pens, or wherever you live and shake yourself silly for the benefit of others!

Volunteers from The Park’s various charities will be on hand to collect hair at the Wishing Well until midnight tonight. Refreshments will be available, as well, courtesy of The Compost Heap and Florette’s Fine Edibles.

So, come one, come all! If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t!

Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park

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A record number of unemployed Animals have left The Park to take jobs as domestic companions to Humans

The sluggish economy is taking its toll on the professional and personal lives of Park citizens.

“The situation is dire,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier and author of a new report on the economy entitled, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able.”

The report, which analyzed economic and employment data gathered by The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, paints a gloomy  picture of the future unless immediate action is taken.

According to the report, recent statistics show that a record number of Animals have had to leave their homes and families in the past year to seek work outside The Park.

“The Park is simply not generating a sufficient number of jobs for its population,” says Dr. Cissa. “As a consequence, we are losing our best and brightest…the skilled and the most diligent. And Humans are the ones who are benefitting.”

Indeed, figures cited in the report indicate that, out of financial necessity, a great many Animals have been forced to take jobs as “domestic companions” to Humans outside The Park.

“This is tragic on so many levels,” says Cissa. “These are Animals who were trained and educated at institutions in The Park, Animals who were promised a better life than their ancestors had. These are Animals who believed in the Promise of The Park, and who believed that Animals would never have to serve Humans again. They’ve been betrayed by the economy and they are starting to question their commitment to The Park, itself. It is a very challenging situation.”

Dr. Cissa’s report is scheduled to be presented to the Archons’ full assembly on Tuesday.

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