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Food production scandal rocks Park

June 6, 2012 By TMD Reporters

Police investigation found some food grown in The Park is not destined for Animals’ use

Portions of The Park’s farmland are being used to produce food for consumption by Humans who live outside The Park, Police have concluded.

At a press conference held early this morning, B.N.L.Valerian Beetle, Head of The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU), confirmed the findings of the Unit’s year-long investigation.

“This has been a long and intensive investigation, conducted over the past twelve months and it includes data from each of the last four seasons,” Beetle said.

The investigation, which involved data-gathering both inside and outside The Park, was initiated after a series of meetings between Park Police and members of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

“We knew that something was terribly wrong,” said SCPCPGF President, A.P. Civet, when she spoke briefly at the end of the press conference.

“We’d been keeping our eyes on these pieces of land for some time…we had permission to seed them and, then, we noticed plants growing in the places we’d planned to seed.”

The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons announced that they were looking at ways to maximize The Park’s food-producing lands. At the time, the Society said it intended to act as a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

At the press conference, Beetle confirmed that the investigation is ongoing, but said there are no known suspects “at this time.”

“We are working on several leads and encourage any Animals who may have seen suspicious activity in the areas of these lands to come forward with information,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life

Advice columnist to join UWT Human Studies department

June 5, 2012 By TMD Reporters

Official NoreenPopular Mammalian Daily advice columnist, Noreen, will assume a new set of duties this Autumn, when she becomes Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier’s newly-formed department of the same name.

Noreen, who is known for her signature quotation, “Humans — they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one,” is considered to be The Park’s foremost expert on Human behaviour.

“She is definitely the go-to Animal when it comes to understanding Humans,” said the President of the University in a statement released today.

“For that reason, among others, we believed she would be a great asset to the department and to our student body. We are extremely happy that she accepted our invitation and we are honoured to have her on staff.”

The new department, which is scheduled to begin offering classes in the Autumn of 2012, has appointed three other faculty members, one of whom will serve as departmental head.

In a telephone interview, Noreen confirmed that she intends to continue writing her Mammalian Daily advice column and “looks forward to combining these two careers.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education, Park Life

Retired Archon wades into sea of controversy with speech

June 4, 2012 By Nienke Varken, TMD Education Reporter

Retired Archon, Wyndham Seahorse, waded into a sea of controversy on Friday afternoon when he addressed the 2012 graduating class at the University of West Terrier.

Often described as a “soft-spoken” Animal, Seahorse, who held the position of Archon in 2008, has not been heard from very much since he left office in January, 2009. In April of this year, however, he was selected by the Governors of the University to deliver the 101st commencement address on June 1.

Seahorse’s speech, delivered from the podium at the Hippo Campus of the University, began traditionally enough, with the former Archon emphasizing the importance of education in Animals’ lives and praising the perseverance of the graduates and their families. Then, suddenly, the speech took a political turn and Seahorse began to speak negatively in reference to “The Promise of The Park.”

“The Promise of The Park is a sham. I’m afraid you’ve been had,” he declared, as many in the audience gasped. A few — likely proponents of a different political system — could be seen wagging their tails in agreement.

As he continued in the same vein, the audience became agitated until, at last, Seahorse returned to the more neutral topic of the value of education.

With the speech brought to conclusion, Seahorse exited to mild applause. After the ceremony, graduates and their families admitted to a certain degree of puzzlement.

“I think he had some good points [to make]; I’m just not sure this was the appropriate occasion for bringing them up,” said one graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism.

Indeed, although many appeared to believe that another venue would have been more suitable for the former Archon to express his opinions, an informal survey showed that many of the graduates “mildly agreed” with many of Seahorse’s statements.

Still, many more took issue with the expressed criticisms and there have been calls for public censure of the former Archon. As of this morning, however, the President and the Governors of the University of West Terrier have refused to comment on the incident.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education, Park Life Tagged With: Commencement Speaker

Jubilee cleanup most expensive in Park history

May 28, 2012 By Elspeth Duper, TMD Social Events Reporter

The cleanup bill for last week’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee has arrived and it is substantial.

The cost of straightening up The Park after this year’s event, which was the largest in its history, will “just about empty The Park’s coffers,” says Finance Officer, Milton Struts.

“Even the [celebration of the] establishment of zoocracy and calendar harmonization didn’t cost this much,” he says.

Organizers of the event say that its size and the numbers it attracts account for the hefty bill.

“The Park is growing in population and this year’s weather was extraordinary. Those two factors, alone, could account for the numbers we saw at the event,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Adding to the financial woes is the fact that some Finance Officers say the massive bill should come out of the groundskeeping account rather than the money that is allocated yearly for special events and celebrations.

“We are divided on this,” said Milton Struts in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“The Special Event account is over-budget already, and we’re not even halfway through the year. Groundskeeping, on the other hand, has a small surplus, due to this year’s extremely mild Winter. It makes sense, I think, to pull the funds from there. I’m thinking ahead to next year and we don’t want to have to say that we’re cutting back on special events. That won’t go down well with Park Animals,” he warned.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life Tagged With: Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

Park Literary Awards to bear sponsor’s name

May 23, 2012 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

The Park Annual Literary Awards (PALA) will undergo a name change at the end of May. They will bear the name of their sponsor, Chitter Radio, and be known officially as the Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

The announcement was made at a press conference late yesterday afternoon. Present at the conference were Albana Ketri, President and C.E.O. of Chitter Radio, members of the organizing committee, and the Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, Aintza Kanariar.

“We think it is fitting that the Awards should bear the name of their proud sponsor,” Ketri said, as she unveiled the new logo for the event.

Until this year, the Awards had been supported by The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations. It was announced in January that Radio 244883.7 (known as Chitter Radio) would assume full financial sponsorship of the Awards, after budgetary constraints forced the Department to pull its funding.

The Awards will take place 15 June.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

Has Anixi Agrarian Jubilee become too politicized?

May 20, 2012 By Fiona Lupu, TMD Events Reporter

A day after the most successful and best-attended Agrarian Jubilee in history, a menacing question hangs in the air: is the annual celebration becoming too politicized?

Organizers of the event, which marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season, sniff at the suggestion.

“I see no evidence of that [politicization] at all,” said Miriam Wapiti, the celebration’s chief organizer, at a post-event party. “With the numbers we get, there will always be those who see this as an opportunity to further their cause, but they’ll always be a small minority,” she said.

Not so, says Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) and a Guard Dog who was on duty during the Jubilee.

“We had to call in reinforcements, so many scuffles broke out…even among members of the [same] organization. It was three times more difficult to keep the peace and provide security this year than last year,” he said.

Sylvana Rana, of the anti-election group, Save Our Political System (SOPS), concurs with Shepherd’s view, though she sees it in a more favourable light:

“We signed up more Animals at the Jubilee than we have in the last five months,” she said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of the Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said she counted representatives of so many organizations that “I lost count after a couple of hours.”

“I know there were at least twenty,” he said.

Even so, according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the Jubilee went off “without a hitch.”

“There were no deaths, injuries, or serious incidents. I’ve seen much worse, even on Groundhog Day,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

SCENTient Beings to join line-up at Agrarian Jubilee

May 16, 2012 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

There’s a whiff of change in the air, as the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee prepares to welcome freshman artists, SCENTient Beings, to the 2012 entertainment line-up.

According to their manager, The SCENTients were invited by Jubilee organizers, “at the last minute, but they are honoured and thrilled to be performing at such an important event.”

The duo, who released their first recording, Beings and Nuttiness, ten days ago, has never performed before such a large audience.

“They have played The Tabby Club and they’ve been on the road for a few months, but they’ve never sung in such company or on such an important occasion,” their manager said.

One of the largest and most popular festivals in The Park, the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season. Traditionally a mixture of sombre and sweet, the Jubilee has historically been a venue for more “tried and true” performers, such as Thisbe and the Barkettes and The Beasts of Burden. This year, however, organizers say they decided to “add something new and untried to the mix,” while maintaining the tenor of the occasion.

Other performers in the Jubilee line-up include Les Chiens Débraillés, The Feral Four, The Endeka Elephant Band, The Canary Cousins, The Tweeters, and Will.o.be.

The Anixi Agrarian Jubilee takes place on May 20, 2012.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, SCENTient Beings, Stinktier

Have your say on interest rates!

May 15, 2012 By TMD Reporters

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life

Central Bank warns against short-term interest rate hikes

May 14, 2012 By TMD Reporters

In a statement issued this morning, the Central Bank of The Park warned financial institutions against offering high, short-term interest rates to their estivating clients.

“It is not in the interest of The Park nor of the client [for banks] to adjust interest rates for terms that occur during the dormancy period,” the Bank said.

The practice of offering high, short-term interest rates to hibernating and estivating clients has been in place for at least a decade, according to the Association of Financial Institutions of The Park (AFIP).

In fact, according to a report written by the Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) and presented to the Central Bank, local banking institutions count on the fat deposits these rates attract to boost their bottom line.

“There’s no doubt that, at this time of year, the estivating client is the preferred customer,” says CPAP head, Ursula M. Bjørn. “These clients are going nowhere for a substantial length of time and, consequently, neither is their money,” she explained.

These so-called “dormant” accounts that are offered by some of The Park’s banks come with an interest rate of up to fifteen percent above the base rate that is established every quarter-year by the Central Bank.

“This [interest] rate is substantially higher than the rate that non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals are offered on any of their accounts,” says Uzoma Serval, author of the book, BankWoe.

“But, there is a catch,” he says.

“When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They signed away that right, sometimes without even knowing it. And, their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more,” Serval says.

This has led to a rise in consumer complaints. And, non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals also have begun to complain about the practice. They say it is evidence of prejudice against them and that they are being treated unequally and unfairly by The Park’s financial institutions. It is a view the BankWoe author says may be difficult to dispute.

“The instruments of darkness tell us truths,” he says.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life

“Mating Dance Blues” are real, says expert

May 9, 2012 By Jaakkima Kuikka, TMD Mental Health Reporter

If “woe is me” describes the way you’re feeling after Sunday’s Mating Dance, take heart. A new study shows that at least a third of those who attend mating events such as Sunday’s dance suffer some kind of psychological letdown in the days and weeks that follow.

The results of the study, which was conducted by Dr. Chloris Cougar at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, also suggest that finding the right mate may be more complicated for Animals today than it was for our forebears.

“I truly believe it was simpler then,” Dr. Cougar said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

The researcher, who is renowned for her groundbreaking study of Feline depression, “Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” and for her work on Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), says that her new study shows that planned mating events can, sometimes, have a backfire effect on the participants.

“I think part of the reason is that these [planned] events raise expectations so high that they just can’t be met,” she said.

“The result is, predictably, a letdown…a deflation of sorts. But, rather than deflating our ridiculously-high expectations, these events tend to deflate our hopes of finding a suitable mate, while leaving those unrealistic expectations of others intact.”

Dr. Cougar says it is best to take it slowly and to pace yourself, in order to avoid the frenzy of a planned mating event.

“If you do choose to attend one, try to see it as a social gathering and try to enjoy the company. Try not to pressure yourself and others and do your best not to respond to the pressure of others on you,” she advises.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life

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