The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Striped and spotted Animals at risk of psychological illness: new study

By

The tiger in the mirrorA new study out of the University of West Terrier suggests that The Park’s striped and spotted Animals are at risk of psychological illness and the consequences thereof.

In a paper scheduled for publication in the May issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP), researchers say that striped and spotted Animals are at risk of developing a kind of “self-loathing” that, among other things, does not bode well for the survival of their species.

“Our findings were quite disturbing,” says the study’s lead researcher, psychology professor Dr. Luule Aednik.

“We looked at a number of different behavioural patterns and along with other physical evidence, they suggest that there is an increased incidence of certain types of difficulties in striped and spotted Park residents,” she says.

Those difficulties include depression and its manifestations, anger, low self-esteem, hopelessness, and various kinds of identity issues.

“In addition to these very serious conditions, what we are seeing more of in the [striped and spotted] population is a kind of psychological lethargy, brought on, we believe, by the stress of living among those who do not consider them to be equal.”

It has been well-documented that striped and spotted Animals have more problems securing decent employment than other Animals in The Park. Aednik says that facing that kind discrimination may be leading to an actual drop in the population.

“This psychological lethargy, we believe, is manifesting itself in the area of reproduction,” she says.

“Based on external statistics, we know that the number of striped and spotted Animals attending the annual Mating Dance, for instance, has dropped substantially over the past five years. And our interview subjects expressed a kind of hopelessness with regard to establishing a family. They openly admitted to feelings of unworthiness and lamented their economic insecurity. If this goes unchecked, we believe this could have a dire effect on The Park’s population.”

OTD in 2017—Archons, DWBS condemn “Cultivate Cuteness” campaign

By

cuteness-postersThe Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) have issued a warning about a new campaign that has taken hold in The Park.

At a press conference early this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, condemned “in no uncertain terms” the campaign that advises Park Animals to “cultivate cuteness” in order to make themselves attractive to Humans.

“No matter what challenges we face in The Park, selling ourselves to Humans is not the solution,” Alouatta said. “We condemn in no uncertain terms this campaign that undermines our efforts to bring about fairness and equality for all. We are committed to Animal self-rule and we will not back down from it, even in the face of economic challenges and interspecial disharmony.”

The DWBS also had a warning for the campaign’s organizers:

“We will remain vigilant against your anti-zoocratic efforts and we will not hesitate to prosecute should any of The Park’s laws be broken,” Kakapo said.

OTD in 2018—Is your spell check software specist?

By

As Park residents continue to embrace Human-made technology (HMT), experts have voiced concern about its psychological effects on Animals.

At a two-day conference at the University of West Terrier this past week, faculty members from the Torgeir School of Information Technology and the Departments of Psychology and Interspecial Studies discussed a variety of problems related specifically to language found in software used for word processing, texting, and email.

“The problem with much of the software, particularly with tools such as spell check and autocorrect, is that it still is not configured to deal with many of the nuances of Animal life,” technology expert Llewellyn Fox told the conference attendees.

Fox is an adjunct professor of technology at the University of West Terrier and president of the computer consulting company Quick Brown Fox Technologies, S.A.

Citing examples from his bestselling book, “The Lazy Dog’s Guide to Technology,” Fox lamented the dearth of Animal-appropriate software and laid the blame for many of our youth’s problems—including low self-esteem—on the species that developed it.

“The problem is that certain features of the applications, which have been designed by and for Humans, are what he termed “Humano-centric.”

“Their core functions appear to be trans-special,” he emphasized, “and, as such, they are easy for the average Animal to use, but this is deceiving.” The trouble occurs, he said, when some of the applications’ tools are used.

As an example, Fox pointed to what he considers a glitch in spell check and autocorrect, tools that are used in word processing and, more importantly, in texting and email functions: “No matter what species you key in, the word processor supplies the initial letter in the lower case. This, as we know, is the grammar of Humans, but it is not the grammar of Animals.”

“Some Animals might not see this as anything more than a nuisance,” he admitted. And, of course, the software can be set to change a lower case Animal name to an upper case one manually.

But the problem is less a practical one and more a matter of attitude, he told the academic gathering. And his colleagues seemed to agree.

“It’s not just a matter of a capital letter here or there. This is but one small example. Our young are now being raised on this software, and already they’ve started to write the way Humans do—partly because it takes less effort to let the software dictate the way you express yourself.”

Additional areas of concern that Fox discussed at the gathering were the dictionary and several other language tools. These functions, he said, provide the user’s vocabulary.

“It’s not so much a problem with the words that the software does supply,” he emphasized. “My complaint is that Animals are likely to be told by this software that the words they key in—that they use in everyday speech and writing—do not exist.”

Fox is not alone in being wary of Human software. Several newspapers in The Park, including The Mammalian Daily, have successfully negotiated with software companies to offer a choice of different Animal dictionaries in their word processing software. But not all Animals are even aware they have a choice.

“We tend to use what’s put in front of us and that soon becomes the norm. It becomes all that we know,” Fox said.

OTD in 2014—Weather Office to Polar Bear Poetry Picnickers: prepare for a soggy bottom

By

Varied weatherThe Park Weather Office has issued a warning to those who plan to attend this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: prepare for a soggy bottom.

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with record amounts of precipitation and a delayed thaw, have conspired to leave The Park a mushy mess,” the PWO said in a press statement released this morning.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, at a press conference today.

“Last year, with all the protests in The Park, we thought we’d have to protect ourselves. This year, it looks like it’s the poetry we’ll have to protect — from the elements,” he laughed.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving his second year of a three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by the weather.

“We have a group of wonderful poets lined up and a wonderful audience. My guess is they won’t give the weather a second thought,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Conspiracy theory or fact? Developers blame app failures on weather makers

By

squirrel-with-gpsThe Park’s technology companies have launched the latest salvo in their ongoing war with weather makers and food growers.

In a full-page statement published today in most major newspapers, SINCAP and GVC De-Techt, two of The Park’s largest technology companies, accused the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) of manipulating the weather so as to render their food apps unreliable.

According to the statement, over the past two weeks, the food apps known as Bulb Beacon and TulipTracker have been unable to determine accurately the location of Spring bulbs. Their makers claim the WMPSAP deliberately purchased weather last year so as to undermine the reliability of their products and the trust of the companies’ customers.

“It is our belief that the members of the WMPSAP took it upon themselves to purchase weather for late Winter/early Spring that would confound our food-finding applications and thus undermine our business,” says the statement which is signed by SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava and GVC De-Techt CEO R.A. Vole.

The statement goes on to accuse the WMPSAP of colluding with the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) to bring down the technology that both groups feel is a threat to their existence.

“It appears that our inability to come to an agreement regarding our rôles in the production and procurement of food in The Park has led both these groups to take aggressive action against us. We call on them to cease this illegal activity immediately,” the statement concludes.

Neither the WMPSAP nor the SCPCPGF has responded to the statement.

Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site TikTekTok, says both companies have been “swamped” by complaints from customers who purchased the apps last year.

“Most of the complaints are that the apps have turned up nothing,” Tapir says. “But some are more concerning, in that purchasers have been led astray, into some dangerous areas outside The Park. Whatever the cause, these problems need to be addressed immediately.”

OTD in 2015—Interspecial strife casts shadow over Centre’s first anniversary celebration

By

As the Centre for Interspecial Harmony (CIH) prepares to mark its first anniversary, the shadow cast by the rise in interspecial crime threatens to mar the celebration.

“It’s very worrying that this type of crime is growing, rather than receding,” said Dewi Rhinoceros, the Chair of the Centre’s Board of Directors, in an interview this afternoon.

The former Chief Archon, who was the force behind the establishment of the Centre, said she had hoped that we would be seeing a decrease in the number of incidents this far into zoocracy.

‘We know that economic stress aggravates every aspect of our life here in The Park and things have been very challenging, economically speaking, over the last few years. But I don’t think we’ve yet discovered what makes Animals actually turn on each other when in crisis. That is something that we are still trying to determine,” she said.

The Centre, which has as its mission the fostering of harmony among all species in The Park, runs educational programmes, hosts events, and funds research projects in association with the University of West Terrier.

The Rhinoceros said the Centre is currently funding one research project at UWT’s Department of Interspecial Studies, which is part of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science. Researchers there are studying the effects of interspecial tension on second and third generation Park citizens.

“We’re hoping that studying Animals who were born in The Park and who grew up with the values of interspecial harmony will lead us to a fuller understanding of why those values are being abandoned so frequently these days,” she said.

OTD in 2014—Pop-up clinics for hibernators and estivators to open this year: DWBS

By

Pop-up ClinicsThe Park will open a number of pop-up clinics for the benefit of hibernators and estivators, the Department of Well-Being and Safety announced today.

At a press conference held this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed that at least five clinics for estivators will open, beginning on May 15. Although the locations have not yet been established, Kakapo said they will be “strategically placed throughout The Park” in order to allow all Animals to avail themselves of the services the clinics will provide.

“Studies have shown that pre-hibernation and pre-estivation check-ups are of tremendous benefit. We want to encourage all our hibernators and estivators to take advantage of these new state-of-the-art facilities,” Kakapo said.

The clinics will be staffed by professionals from The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, as well as by private practitioners.

OTD in 2016—Police, DWBS confirm Humans took photos of Park Animals in hibernation

By

Hibernating AnimalPark Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) confirmed today that a group of Humans was responsible for taking and distributing photos showing Park Animals in various stages of hibernation.

At a joint press briefing this morning, Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations and Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crime Unit (SHCU) revealed the findings of their investigation.

“We are here to confirm that through extensive investigation we have determined that a group of Humans was responsible for the cache of photos in question that was distributed via the internet in January,” Addax said.

The photos, which Police confirmed were taken by cameras installed secretly in hibernators’ burrows, were posted serially, at the rate of approximately one every half-hour, on January 23. They appeared simultaneously on an internet site run by Humans and on The Park’s gossip web site, headsNtales.

Police also confirmed that they had questioned the gossip site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo. They did not say what they learned from Guacamayo, nor whether she and her co-founder would be charged for posting the photos. The name of the Humans’ web site has not been revealed.

Although police took no questions at the briefing, Kakapo was able to confirm rumours that the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) had been deployed during the investigation.

OTD in 2017—Park Museum to celebrate zoocracy’s 35th year with travelling exhibition

By

If you can’t make it to The Park Museum this year, worry not.

The museum’s Board of Governors announced today that it plans to revive its travelling exhibition, this time in honour of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary.

At a press conference this morning, Sukuta Rhinoceros announced the new travelling show which, she said, will display “relevant” samples of the museum’s holdings on a number of themes.

Rhinoceros, who is a member of Board of Governors and is one of the museum’s founders, said the travelling exhibition would make several tours of The Park throughout the year, starting in April.

“We are thrilled to be able to celebrate the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy in this fashion,” Rhinoceros said, on behalf of the board. “It enables us to meet our commitment to inclusivity and to encourage interspecial harmony through education.”

The Zoocracy 35 Travelling Exhibition will be sponsored by the Founding Families Financial Corporation.

The museum’s full announcement can be read here.

OTD in 2014—”Human values” not an oxymoronic term: Noreen

By

Official Noreen“Human values” is not an oxymoronic term.

So says Noreen in her first academic article, due to be published in the May issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

In the article, which is entitled, “Not Just Skin Deep: On Human Belief Systems and Motivations,” the Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and Mammalian Daily advice columnist shares new insights into Humans’ belief systems and the determinants of Human behaviour.

“Some of what I have learned will surprise Park Animals,” she says. “Many of the values and mores that in the past we have attributed only to ourselves have been shown to exist in Humans as well.”

For example, Noreen contends, while Human behaviour may appear random to us, it is more often than not the result of ideas and beliefs that are widely held among members of the species. 

“And these ideas and beliefs are often founded in a kind of morality. We may not recognize it, but very often Humans are trying to do what they believe is the best thing,” she writes.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031