The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Prepare for all-out food fight as farmers and app makers engage in war of words

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Bulb Beacon with borderHistorians may look back on it and jokingly call it the “Tulip War,” but at present it’s a tense situation that could cause irreparable damage to The Park’s food and technology sectors.

It started last month, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained in a print advertisement that The Park’s technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food in favour of letting apps do the searching for them. The SCPCPGF maintains that this negatively affects what it calls the “natural pacing” of food finding and will inevitably lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages.

The Park’s technology sector laid low for a short time, hoping to wait out the controversy. But when the SCPCPGF refused to give up, SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava took to the airwaves to vigorously defend her company’s app, Bulb Beacon, and assert that SINCAP and other technology companies make it their business to support access to food in The Park.

“We all take access to food very seriously. I know from personal experience that it can be very frustrating and terrifying not to be able to find enough food, or to forget where you stored your food over the Winter. I’ve had relatives who almost starved and that was the impetus for me to develop our app,” she told Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros in an interview.

But that did not placate SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet, and a few days later, he called for a moratorium on the development of food-related technology.

Now, the anger that has been brewing for weeks threatens to spill over. As both sides begin to issue threats and accusations, experts say the issue could come to blows in May, as planting begins and the Park Finance Office turns its attention to the 2017 budget.

“What’s at stake here is not just peace in The Park, but the food supply itself,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“We all should be very scared.”

Civet calls for freeze on development of all food-related technology

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A.P. Civet

SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet called for a moratorium on food-related technology

In a bold move that is sure to spark controversy, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) has called for a moratorium on the development of all food-related technology.[pullquote]Peppi Orava spoke out of ignorance, and I’m here to say that ignorance will feed neither the stomach nor the spirit.—A.P. Civet, president, Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers[/pullquote]

Society president A.P. Civet took to the airwaves this morning to announce that his members had voted unanimously last night to make the call for a temporary halt to the development of food-related technology and food-finding apps in particular.

The hastily-arranged vote came in response to remarks made yesterday by Peppi Orava, president of SINCAP Technologies, the company that released the food-finding app Bulb Beacon last year.

As a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show, Orava disputed the Society’s claims that her app encouraged Animals to abandon their natural ways of finding food.

“The SCPCPGF claims that our technologies are meant to displace the old ways. Quite the contrary. What we were aiming for—and what we’ve succeeded in doing—is allowing Animals to do what they do naturally, but without expending as much time and energy doing it,” she told Tavros.

Orava went on to say that she believed technology would enable Animals to become more efficient at finding food.

“But if we do discover a shortage of food, that is not the fault of the technology; it is the fault of the farming community. It is their job to provide for the needs of Park Animals.”

It was that last comment that so incensed Civet that he immediately arranged the SCPCPGF membership meeting that resulted in the call for a moratorium on food technology development.

Today, on the radio, Civet was unapologetic about his hasty response.

“We believe these technologies have a use, but they’ve been made available too soon. They set up expectations that can’t possibly be met by any food provider,” he said.

“There are so many factors that go into the cultivation, planting, and growing of foodstuffs. It’s as impossible to blame one group for shortages as it is to praise one group for bounty. Peppi Orava spoke out of ignorance, and I’m here to say that ignorance will feed neither the stomach nor the spirit.”

Food growers, app makers at odds as Tulip season begins

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TT3The Park’s technology sector has come under fire from what seems like an unlikely source: the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).[pullquote]The natural ways allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents used these apps, our food sources would dry up within a few days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park.—A.P. Civet, president, Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers[/pullquote]

In a paid advertisement, the SCPCPGF accused the makers of apps such as TulipTracker, Bulb Beacon and FoodFinder™ of working against them by setting up expectations that food growers can’t possibly meet.

In the ad, which appeared in all print media yesterday as well as on three billboards, the Society made a plea for slower adaptation of technology as it relates to food production and consumption.

“As you know, the goals of our Society include ensuring the autonomy of Park farmers and preserving our food-growing lands for the nourishment of our population. These goals are difficult enough to reach without the interference of those outside the farming community. But now, the makers of food-finding apps are encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The natural ways are paced and allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park. That would be devastating to the economy, as well as to our health,” the ad said.

Neither SINCAP Technologies, the developer of Bulb Beacon, nor TulipTracker developer GVC De-Techt has publicly commented. on Civet’s accusations.

What you need to know:
The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons interfered with farmer autonomy on The Park’s food-producing lands. In 2012, an undercover investigation revealed that the 2011 Archons and the Park Finance Officers had agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. At that time, the Society broadened its mission to include being a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

Park innovators to watch: abSCENT

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abSCENTFourth in a series

Can abSCENT make the heart grow fonder?

Perhaps not, but it definitely can help it stay stronger and more faithful, according to its maker, DoftTek, S.A.

A relative newcomer, DoftTek specializes in scent-related products and was voted The Park’s most promising company last year by The Cosmopolitan Pest. The abSCENT app is the company’s first foray into wearable technology.

The innovative app, which DoftTek launched on Monday, works like a “virtual locket,” allowing users to store the scents of their loved ones so that they can access them at any time.

“Physical absence need never be a barrier to relating,” said DoftTek spokesAnimal Lars Myskoxe, who demonstrated the app outside the Reek ‘O Rama yesterday.

The crowd oohed and awed as Myskoxe showed the potential users how easy the app makes it to retain a “dynamic memory” of their loved ones.

“It’s authentic,” said Keeva Moffatt, President of the Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol and a Reek ‘O Rama regular.

“It does what it says. The scent is pure and, from what I could tell, it doesn’t degrade. This is something every Park Animal will want,” she said.

Myskoxe claims the uses for the app are “unlimited,” and will grow in number as more and more Animals “make it their own.”

“In its present form, it can store up to ten scents. We are planning to expand that within the next five years,” he said. “I can see it eventually becoming a necessary tool for all stages of life,” he said.

The app is currently available only through the company and at the Reek ‘O Rama, which intends to offer it at a discount on May 5 only, the date of the annual Mating Dance.

“That will be its biggest test so far,” said Myskoxe.

See also:
TulipTracker™
FoodFinder™
gaggle

Five Park innovators to watch

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Gaggle logoFirst in a series

A recent technology conference held in The Park highlighted the enormous amount of talent that exists in this tiny space we call home.

“It’s amazing what’s developed here over the last decade,” says Fikret Kartal, President and CEO of KartalTechSolutions. Kartal’s company brought the Verifyzer™— a device that helps Animals distinguish between news and entertainment—to The Park three years ago.

“When we started, we had no real competition,” Kartal says. “Now, there are times when we feel like we’re just hovering.”

Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok, understands the feeling.

“It’s an industry that’s just exploded over the last few years. I remember when these ideas had trouble getting off the ground. But these days, it doesn’t take long for them to soar,” she says.

So, just who are these new technological wonderAnimals and what great feats can we expect from them?

Tapir gave us a list of five to watch. Today, we highlight the first:[pullquote]I felt like a rare Bird at times. — gaggle founder Kawena Palila[/pullquote]

1. gaggle
The tech genius at the core of this new social media site is Kawena Palila, an alumna of BirdBrains, The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme, which was founded by the late Cesar Emilio Gander.

Palila calls gaggle the “social networking site with a difference.”

“All the other social sites focus on the individual and try to get you to connect with other individuals. Gaggle is for groups—families, charities, even educational institutions. We want to serve the collective community in whatever form,” she says.

The minimum number of members a group must have to join gaggle is five because, Palila says, “I don’t like even numbers. They’re so restrictive and they make Animals feel left out.”

gaggle itself took five years to launch, partly because it was difficult to get outside funding.

“I felt like a rare Bird at times,” she says. “It seems unbelievable now, but I had a hard time getting Animals to understand the concept.”

Up next:

2. FoodFinder

Social media site gewper in talks to produce scented movie: rumour

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GewperThe Park’s social media darling gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) is said to be in talks with producer Egbert Bunzing to bring a scented film to the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) next year.

The social media site, which is owned by RhinoTech, Inc. has enjoyed enormous success since it ventured into scent two years ago. The company’s partnership with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, proved to be a game-changer, according to Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok.

“They opened up a whole new world with the ability to smell [those with whom they were interacting] and it has yet to be matched by any other company,” she says.

RhinoTech’s earnings skyrocketed a year after they introduced scent to the site and the company was believed to be working on a project that would allow members to touch each other across cyberspace. Tapir says that idea has been put on hold temporarily and they are now looking to break into what she calls “pure entertainment.”

For his part, those who know Bunzing say that he’s been looking for an “edgy” new idea and that this “is right up his alley.” Calls to his publicist, however, have not been returned and repeated requests for RhinoTech Chief Executive Officer Aldrich Nashorn to comment on this story have gone unanswered.

New social networking site to offer scent option

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gewpergreenlogoPark Animals who use social networking sites to connect with friends and family will soon be able to avail themselves of a new option. If all goes well with its final tweaking, gewper, set to open its virtual doors on August 1, will offer users the ability to smell those they know and those they might wish to know in the future.

Over a period of more than two years, RhinoTech, Inc., the new site’s developer, has been collaborating with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, to create what company executives are calling “the ultimate Animal experience in the virtual world.”

“This new site is nothing short of revolutionary,” said a RhinoTech spokesAnimal at a press conference last week.

“For the first time in history, a [social networking] site will be Animal-centric…able to deliver the kind of information that Animals have been asking for and need,” she said.

gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) will allow members to upload their scent to the site’s servers. Those whom members have designated as having the right to do so will be able to download the scent from the site simply by pressing the “Scent” button.

Membership in the site will be free of charge, the spokesanimal confirmed, as will be the scent download.  The site’s developers believe that gewper will be so successful that it will generate enough advertising revenue in its first year to pay for their next online venture: a site that will allow members to touch each other, literally, across cyberspace.  According to RhinoTech, the desire for that feature tops the list in its most recent consumer survey.

“I know many Animals who would just love to be able to butt heads with their friends across the world,” said the RhinoTech spokesAnimal.

Enterprises Moufettes recalls FeralNoMore™ over safety concerns

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In an unprecedented move, The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has ordered retailers to halt sales of a popular scent-masking agent.

Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the manufacturer of FeralNoMore™ says it is recalling ten thousand cans of the spray after several Animals reported suffering ill effects from the product. The DWBS reported that two Animals were so overcome that they required short-term hospitalization.

The product, which the DWBS recommended last Spring in its Travel Advisory, is used by Animals to mask their origin and species, so that they may travel more freely outside The Park. In the recent past, FeralNoMore™ and other scent-masking agents have been credited with preventing a number of crimes against Park Animals, including kidnapping and enforced domestication.

According to a spokesAnimal for the DWBS, the most common conditions associated with FeralNoMore™ include pruritus (itching) and alopecia (hair loss). Both these effects are temporary, the spokesAnimal said, and Animals can be treated either in the physician’s office or at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Reports of memory and identity loss are unsubstantiated, the spokesAnimal said.

The spray product was a popular purchase at many shops in The Park, including the Reek-O-Rama and Footpad Heaven.

In a statement issued after the recall, Enterprises Moufettes said that it hopes to isolate the problem and return the product to market “as soon as possible.”

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